DAVID DUST: July 2012

Last time on Project Runway … Times Square! … Python bibs!! … A crazy Asian!!! Christopher won the challenge (and now has immunity) and someone named Beatrice was sent home.

This week begins with yawns and coffee in the Atlas Apartments. Lantie is shocked … SHOCKED I tells ya … that she was in the bottom two last time. And Ven is also shocked … that he didn’t win. Ven strikes me as the type of guy who expects to win every challenge, forever, and gets a case of the sadds when he doesn’t.

The designers head to the runway, where they are greeted by Heidi. Ms. Klum tells them that Tim is waiting for them at another location. Wait, is Elena wearing a burka?

The location of the challenge is Dylan’s Candy Bar – a candy store owned by Dylan Lauren (Ralph’s little girl). Who I kept calling “Lauren Dylan” in my notes for some reason. She is there with Tim to greet the fashiontestants. Tim announces that this will be the “unconventional challenge”. Obviously ~~psychotic~~ psychic Gunnar announces that he had a dream about a candy challenge before he came on the show, but he was probably just napping during reruns of the Hershey’s challenge and thought it was a dream.

The designers have 30 minutes to do their best “Supermarket Sweep” inside the store. Ready ... set … PILLAGE!!!

Melissa goes immediately to the black candy … Andrea keeps draping fabric on the sales people … Tim Gunn is amazed at the candy LEGOs … and Christopher wants a chocolate boyfriend. So do I, and his name is Tyson Beckford…

Thank you Lauren Dylan’s Candy Bar!

Back in the workroom, Elena has ditched her burka, Sonjia is working with gummy sharks and the lesbian announces that she will be doing an overall, because that’s what lesbians do.

Christopher and Gunnar continue the intricate “Stank Dance of the Gays” which they started last week. This complicated ritual includes rolling of eyes, evil laughs and accusations of being “threatened by me”. Christopher and Gunnar either REALLY hate each other or they’ll be having sexytimes at any moment. You can never really tell with the gays.

More workroom … Buffi is slaying ~~vampires~~ umbrellas with a hammer … Lantie used to be bankrupt. Andrea, who was born on Halloween, is all like “I got this”, while Killer Kooan is all like “I’m gonna weave sweater out of Twizzler”. We also find out that Ven graduated cum laude, summa cum laude, and super summa cum laude at FIT. And he’s not ashamed to talk about it.

Tim Gun visits the workroom. Nathan is making a heavy candy lampshade (which doesn’t seem to bother Tim). Elena, somehow, has found beige licorice – and has decided it would make the PERFECT dress. Fabio is having a “Glue the shit out of it moment”. And Gunnar is all “peplum” this and “peplum” that – which I would make a joke about but I have no idea what a “peplum” is.

Then Tim comes to Andrea. Andrea, remember, is all “I got this ‘cause I was born on Halloween and have candy in my veins”. However, Tim knocks the wind out of her candy-coated sails when he says:

“I don’t have the adequate words to tell you how completely underwhelmed I am by this”.

Ouch.

This makes Andrea cry and then she cuts up her outfit in an attempt to start over. Later she regrets this and goes back to her original idea. Tim Gunn be damned.

Finally, with time running out, Lantie decides to start over and make a dress out of umbrellas and absolutely no candy. If you haven’t guessed, this probably won’t go over well with the judges. But Lantie, much like the Honey Badger, doesn’t seem to give a shizz.

Commercial break: Coming up on Lifetime … “The Week The Women Went”… OMG Jethro, who will cook and clean and do the laundry and feed us?!? I don’t know Cleetus, but I sure wish them womenfolk were back.

Also coming up on Lifetime: “The Week Without Paper Towels” and the dark thriller “OMG I Lost My Bus Pass”.

Day one ends and Runway Day begins. Kooan and Buffi are having shrinkage issues … with their cotton candy. Elena’s beige licorice masterpiece is literally falling apart. And Ven instructs his model not to slouch or bend or fix her shoe or touch anyone or touch herself or touch anyone else’s shoe or think about touching anything ever.

Runway time. Heidi welcomes the judges: Michael, Nina, and ~~Lauren Dylan~~ Dylan Lauren. Let’s start the show…

My weekly “Looks Like ASS” award goes to … Killer Kooan:

Models walk and the judges gawk. When it’s all said and done, Heidi calls out the following names:

Gunnar, Elena, Ven, Sonjia, Lantie and Buffi. These are the top and bottom three – the rest are safe. Surprisingly, Killer Kooan’s “Looks Like Ass” garment is safe.

Judges likee: Gunnar (candy looks like fabric); Sonjia (cute aquatic theme); and Ven (stained glass theme).

They no likee: Buffi (looks like a 5 year-old going to a birthday party); Elena (“Rigatoni Mad Max” – Kors); and Lantie (no candy, no transformation, just decoration).