Project Runway Episode One - Haven't We Done This Already?

Dearest readers, I have to say I was extremely excited about last night’s premiere of Project Runway. It was great to see Tim, Heidi, Michael, and even Meana, er, NINA. The designers, on the other hand, failed to impress me much.

The main goal of the first show is always to introduce us to the Tranny Messes that will be competing over the next few months. There were some who stood out, but a lot of them seemed like “filler” – sort of like Raymundo from Season 2, or Marion from Season 4. Remember them? Me neither.

We see the fashiontestants arriving one-by-one to the Atlas apartments. Some of them are notable, such as former model Jerell (who I’ve already decided to call “JerHELL” if he gets on my nerves). And Blayne, who is orange (due to his tanning “addiction”) and says “Holla!” a lot. I need to think of a nickname for him QUICK, because he’s already on my nerves.

Then we have Joe from Detroit, who looks like he works on the Oldsmobile assembly line. Wait. What’s that? He has two daughters? Ladies and Gentlemen, we have spotted the obligatory token straight guy.

We meet Burnout Stella. She specializes in designing “rock regalia” for Hookers, Pimps, and Blondie. Sounds like she has all her bases covered. Jennifer currently lives in Italy, and describes her style as “Holly Golightly goes to a Salvador Dali exhibit”. I don’t know what that means, but I’m pretty sure Michael Kors used the same phrase during Season 2 to describe one of Raymundo’s outfits. Or was it Marion?

Suede lives in NYC, and likes to refer to himself in the third person. As in, “Suede is going to rock it!”. Suede needs to shut the hell up. And Keith is tattooed, muscular, and gorgeous. FYI: Dan has already claimed him.

After everyone arrives, they are instructed to go up to the roof of the Atlas building to meet Tim and Heidi. This is our first clue that Bravo ain’t spending SHIT on their last season of Project Runway. I can hear the producers discussing it now…

Production Assistant: “Did you want me to book a club or restaurant for the opening day meet-and-greet?”

Producer: “Screw that, we’ll put ‘em on the roof. Get a card table and some plastic cups.”


Heidi and Tim welcome everybody and give them a little pep talk. Then the Champagne starts flowing and all is right with the world.

It’s 4:00 am the next morning, and Tim wakes everyone up. And that’s when we get our first shirtless hottie of the season. They show Keith sitting up in bed and taking a huge swig of water. He obviously has cottonmouth from all that Champagne last night. Dehydration has NEVER looked so sexy.

Everyone meets in the lobby, and Tim takes them on their first “field trip”. They end up at a Gristedes grocery store, and I’m experiencing déjà vu. Didn’t they do this before? Wow, Bravo really doesn't give a crap this season. I wonder if EVERY challenge will be recycled. If so, PLEASE do the prom challenge and bring Maddie back. For those of you who don’t remember, Maddie was the fabulous girl who gave Christian fits last season while he tried to design her prom dress. Maddie was too fierce.

And who is this pretty lady walking toward the group? That’s no lady, it’s Austin Scarlett, winner of the first “grocery store” challenge. Gee, that was predictable. Daniel, who wants to be a designer or a crazy bird lady when he grows up, is EXTREMELY exited when he sees Austin. Miss Scarlett might be getting lucky tonight!

The designers will have ½ hour, and $75.00 dollars to shop. Everyone starts scrambling – Terri is all about mop heads, Burnout Stella is grabbing trash bags, and Korto is buying Kale and Bell Peppers. Is she making salad? Almost everyone else plays it safe and grabs tablecloths and shower curtains.

They haul their crap back to the workroom, where they will work until midnight. Suede uses the phase “whackerdoodle”, in hopes that it will be the new “fierce”. It doesn’t work. “Suede is annoying!”.

Straight Joe is doing an Olive Garden theme – with pasta and tomato print oven mitts. “Excuse me, can I get some more breadsticks?”. I think Project Runway needs to rexamine its straight-inclusion policy. Some things are better left to the Gays.

Kelli is working with bleach, die, and vacuum bags. Good luck with that. And Daniel is ironing blue plastic cups for his dress. Korto is tossing salad to add onto her garment.

Blayne is working Jerell’s last gay nerve by saying the word “girlicious” at least 400 times. Jerell wants Orange Blayne to pack up the “licious” and “take it to the girl next door”. Jerell also jokes that maybe the NEXT challenge will ALSO start at Gristedes. At this point I wouldn’t put it past Bravo and the producers.

Tim does his usual visitations, and Burnout Stella is playing with her trash bags and complaining “this is the worst fabric”. Note to Stella: trash bags aren’t fabric. Tim no likee. He also seems to hate Orange Blayne’s “Girlicious” dress. But he likee Kelli’s concoction, and Daniel’s plastic cup extravaganza.

Then Tim proceeds to Jerry’s shower curtain/tablecloth labcoat frightfest. Jerry – who remarked earlier that he is already a successful designer – is going with an “April showers bring May flowers” theme. It’s more “Flower’s In The Attic” if you ask me. How successful can Jerry be if THIS is what he came up with?

Tim suddenly has a revelation. Most of these bitches are using tablecloths. Tim gets pissed and tells them all to be more creative. MAKE IT WORK, BITCHES!! Most of these losers simply start sewing crap onto their tablecloths. I’m sure Nina will LOVE that.

Commercial Break. Tonight’s Text Vote asks viewers to select which challenge they would like to see again. “Maddie’s Prom Challenge” isn’t one of the choices, so I don’t vote. But this is yet another sign that Bravo can’t even be bothered to think up new challenges.

It’s a new day – the day of the first runway show. The models arrive and they do the hair/makeup/fitting scramble. Blayne has to adjust the crotch on his garment before pronouncing it “girlicious”. I REALLY need to figure out a nickname for this douche. How about “Orange Douchalicious”?

Kenley remarks that Jerry’s “April Showers” dress looks like something an axe murderer would wear. Korto runs around gathering her veggies. And Burnout Stella wants to "vomit". She must have skipped the Methadone Clinic this morning. Everyone heads to the runway.

Heidi introduces the judges: Michael Kors, Nina Garcia (who’s now an “Editor at Large”), and Pretty Lady Austin Scarlett.

The models do their thing, and Heidi announces that they would like to talk to Daniel (cups), Jerry (“Singing in the Acid Rain”), Korto (tablecloth and vegetables), Burnout Stella (garbage bags), Kelli (vacuum bags), and Blayne (girlicious). The rest are safe.

The judges speak to each of them one-by-one, and then do their judging. They likee Daniel's cup dress, Kelli’s dyed vacuum bag dress, and Korto's tablecloth with veggies on the side. Kelli is pronounced the winner.

This leaves Jerry, Burnout Stella, and Blaynelicious. They REALLY seem to hate on Jerry, describing his garment as “freaky”, “a handiwipe gone wrong”, and “hospital plumber”. Finally the judges all agree that this is the perfect garment to wear if you were going to kill someone. Jerry is sent home. Apparently he’s not a successful as he thought he was. He could always try selling this mess to Showtime for Dexter to wear.



Next week: The Post Office Challenge? Sarah Jessica Parker? How about the Levi’s denim challenge? Then they can bring back Ricky as the judge. He could cry and showcase his new caps. Till then bitches!!