Top Chef Episode Twelve - The Skank Must Go

First of all, I have to tell you that I’m writing this recap under severe duress. I have been fighting a cold for a week, and have been coughing up technicolor neon Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go green phlegm for days. Furthermore, I wasn’t able to re-watch last night’s episode (like I usually do) to fill in where my notes are lacking. The NyQuil kicked in at 11:00 pm, and I was out like a light. So don’t leave any comments saying “OMG – I can’t believe you didn’t mention the part where Fabio said “Pooping shoes out of his ass” – because I missed a lot of stuff. Including Fabio saying something about shoes coming out of his butt. This will be short, sweet, and probably unfunny.


On last week’s episode of Top Chef, the Cheftestants took a trip to Lay-Burn-Uh-Dan and ate a bunch of feesh. Superior European Stefan won, and his lesbian lady-love Jamie was sent home. Meanwhile, skanky Leah lived to “just kiss” the Hose for another day.

It’s morning in Brooklyn, and the five remaining Cheftestants are contemplating their last days in New York before four of them go to New Orleans for the finale. Some of them are even looking back on their culinary careers.

Leah tells us that she was an idiot who sucked at college, so she went to culinary school instead (surprise, surprise). She also tells us that cooking is the only thing she does well. I bet Hosea knows of at least 5 other things Leah does well. And she probably has them listed on her resume. References available upon request.

Carla’s culinary career came via a different path – she was originally a model. She refers to herself as a “Dark Horse” in this competition – since she hasn’t exactly dominated thus far. Carla certainly wouldn’t be the first horse to reach the top. For instance, look at Sarah Jessica Parker…


I know – that’s so wrong. I LOVE My Pretty Pony, I mean … SARAH JESSICA PARKER. Oh Willllbuuurrrrrrrrr!

They head over to the Top Chef Kitchen for the last New York Quickfire. They find Padma standing with Chef Wylie Dufresne – who seriously looks like an online child predator. Attention Chris Hanson – send some people to follow Wylie during his daily “jog” in the park. Seriously. Those sideburns make me want to scream “STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!!”


Wylie loves eggs, so the Quickfire this week will be to create an amazing egg dish for “Egghead” Wylie.

Fabio, who has never won a Quickfire, is happy to cook for Chef “Doo – Frez – Nay” (3 syllables), which is absolutely how that creepy weirdo’s name should be pronounced. Or, you could just call him “Uncle Touchy”.


Everyone seems to be running around and freaking out. Fabio is sprinting around the kitchen, Hosea’s bald head is sweating, Howie-style, into his Japanese-inspired egg dish, and Stefan takes a moment or two out of rushing to remind us how great of a Chef he is.

“Dark Horse” Carla, on the other hand, is going slow and steady. The first idea that popped into her head was Dr. Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham – my favorite book when I was a kid. I would read it in a box; I would read it with a fox. I used to read it in the car; I used to read it at the bar (my parents couldn’t afford a babysitter). The “Dark Horse”, Carla, is now referring to herself as the “Tortoise” who slowly and steadily beats the Hare.

Utensils Down, Hands Up, Bitches!

Chef Greasy Dufresne tastes everyone’s dishes. He no likee Leah, Hosea, and Fabio – who is upset. Fabio, be glad he DIDN’T like you – because you might have ended up in his "Van of Lost Children".

Chef Wylie really likee Stefan’s strong technique, and Carla’s “playfulness”. Naturally, Chef “Come and Sit On My Lap” Dufresne picks the dish inspired by a children’s book and Carla is the winner. She will get an “advantage” during the Elimination Challenge.

The Cheftestants are told to draw knives, and each knife has a name of a foodie icon printed on it. The Elimination Challenge this week will be to prepare a “last meal” for their foodie icon. The matchups and requested dishes are as follows:

Fabio – Lidia Bastianich – Roasted Chicken with a Leafy Salad. Fabio is excited because Lidia is Italian, and Fabio is also from Italy. At least I think he is – he hasn’t really mentioned it much.

Hosea – Susan Ungaro – Shrimp Scampi with Tomatoes Provencal.

Stefan – Marcus Samuelsson – Salmon with Spinach and Roasted Potatoes. Now MARCUS is someone who could lure me into his nondescript van with promises of candy. He is yummy.


Leah – Wylie Dufresne – Eggs Benedict – preferably served in the game room at Chuck E. Cheese.

Carla – Jacques Pepin – Squab with Peas. Carla has the opportunity to swap with anyone since she won the Quickfire, but the idea of cooking peas really turns our Tortoise on.

The next day they have $300 and 30 minutes at Whole Foods. Then everyone heads over to Capitale – the former bank and grand events space that will be the venue for this “Last Supper”. The Cheftestants have two hours to prepare their dishes.

The producers seem to really be setting Stefan up for a shocking fall. He, naturally, talks about how great of a Chef he is, how much experience he has, and how there is absolutely no way he could screw up Swedish Salmon. After all, he is probably from Sweden – as well as Finland, Czechland, Germanland, and Lapland. Wait, I think Wylie Dufresne might be from Lapland … as in, “come over here and sit on my Lapland, little girl…”.

Anywhoo, Fabio breaks his finger, but refuses to go to the hospital. It’s just a flesh wound!! This does, however, slow Fabio’s roll. In fact, he curses in at least two languages while trying to peel onions and potatoes. And instead of gently cutting up his chicken for roasting, he takes a meat cleaver and hacks away like a crazed serial killer.


Fabio remarks that he would definitely NOT want his last meal prepared by Top Chef losers. He would want it “pre-pare–ed” (three syllables) by his Grandma – who “dye-ed” (two syllables) two years ago. I was “touch-ed” by this.

The legendary Food Icons gather around the “Last Supper” table and sit down. As they prepare to eat their “last meals”, I start to think about what MY last supper would look like…


First up is Leah and her Eggs Benedict. The judges don’t seem to likee. How does a Chef screw up Eggs Benedict?

Next up is Superior Stefan. They all say the salmon is overcooked. They no likee.

Third is Hosea, whos hands are shaking as he plates his food – as always. What a wuss – grow a pair, will ya?!? The judges no likee his Shrimp Scampi.

Next is Fabio, who gets a “Grazie” from Italian Lidia. I like Lidia a lot, I just wish Miss Thing would put on a wig. Her hair is obviously very thin, so I think she should just go for it…


See?!? Now THAT’S Glamour!! Lidia and the rest of the Judges seem to really likee Fabio’s hacked up Cheeken.

Finally we have Carla’s Squab and Peas for the legendary Jacques Pepin. He seems to love it, saying he could “die happy” if it was his last meal. Somebody check his pulse – they may have to use Dufresne’s MolesterVan to rush Pepin to the hospital. He’s certainly no Spring Cheeken.

It’s time for the last Judge’s Table in New York – and the Cheftestants have gathered one last time in the Not-So-Glad Storage Room. Again, Fabio says something funny – but I was busy coughing up neon green Martian fetuses from my lungs, so I didn’t hear what he said. Padma walks in and say they would like to see all five of them.

After speaking to the five Cheftestants, the Judges deliberate. Back in the Not-So-Glad Storage Room, Stefan is shitting bricks and they are making fun of Fabio because Chef Molesty Dufresne thought Fabio’s salad would be something they would serve on an airplane. Salad? – on a plane? When was the last time Wylie flew in the U.S. – 1989??

All five are called back in front of the Judges. Fabio and Carla are the top two – and Fabio is the winner – despite his “Braniff Salad". He wins a big bottle of Vino and a three-day trip to California - which is where he lives.

Fabio is safe, and so is our “Tortoise”, Carla. She is picking up steam, and passing the other competitors. Go Tortoise, Go!!


On the bottom, we have Hosea, Stefan, and Leah. It is obvious that Hosea’s Shrimp Scampi wasn’t perfect – but it’s not worthy of sending him home. No matter what AssHat Toby Young says. So it comes down to Stefan’s overcooked Salmon, or Leah’s sucky Eggs Benedict.

Leah is told to pack her knives and go – and it’s about time.

She goes back to the Storage Room and says her goodbyes, and then stands there stupidly at one point and asks … “Can I leave now?...”

I thought you would never ask. Buh-bye!!!!


Next week on Top Chef – New Orleans! Emeril! And, bestest of all, THE RETURN OF GAIL AND HER BOOBIES!!!!!!! Oh HAPPY DAY!!!!!