Project Runway Episode 9 - "You Put Diamonds On the Crotch, and You're Home Free"

In last week’s episode of Project Runway, a bunch of divorced ladies traded in their old wedding gowns for something FIEEEEEEERCE – and some got luckier than others. Gordana won (and received the last immunity prize of the season), but Epperson was sent home for his not-so-Oktoberfestive creation. And during the challenge, Shirin’s client requested a Bob Mackie/Cher gown, but unfortunately her request came one week too early.

Its morning in Los Angeles, and everyone heads to the runway to receive the next challenge. However, as is often the case, Heidi doesn’t give the children their instructions – she tells them to go talk to their father (Tim Gunn). Mama is tired and doesn’t want to be bothered. After all, making babies with Seal is hard work (pun intended).

The designers meet Tim back at FIDM (wait, where is the runway?) – at a retrospective featuring the legendary Bob Mackie’s work. When the designers see Tim AND Mr. Mackie, they all seemed thrilled – especially The Feather Queen Prince (Nicolas). Nicolas is practically having a gay coronary over the thought of meeting his idol. I felt the same way when I met Ronald McDonald as a child. Goosebumps.

Tim explains that the challenge this week will be to create an “extravagant stage look”. Mackie states that creating for the stage is different from “fashion” – you have to take it to another level. You also have to create something that can be seen from far away (on stage) as well as close up (on huge video screens).

Tim then tells them that they will be creating this extravagant stage look for none other than Christina "Xtina" Aguilera. Nicolas immediately has his second gay orgasm of the day. I hope he brought extra underwear.

The designers have some time to sketch amongst the fabulous Bob Mackie gowns, then it’s off to Mood for fabric shopping. At Mood, most of the fashiontestants head directly for the Drag Queen Department (sequins, beads, lamé, feathers, and duct tape) – but Nicolas makes a detour to the white cotton and elastic departments - he needs to sew himself a new pair of Hanes. Thanks Mood!

Back to the workroom. Mini workroom recap: Nicolas is going to “blast this challenge” (will he need MORE underwear??). Logan calls this a “Sequin Party” (I’ve been to a few of those). Deliciously stank Irina says that some people look like deer caught in the headlights, as they show Shirin talking to some red fabric. Finally, Christopher has decided to go the “80’s Punk Prom” route. OMG … no. Seriously - don’t do that.

More workroom – and more delicious stank from Irina. She says Carol Hannah bought “crappy-looking” cheap Halloween costume fabric. Carol Hannah says she doesn’t normally do over-the-top. Gordana is “frazzled”. And Logan isn’t as familiar with Miss Aguilera as some of the “other designers”. And by “other designers”, he means “The Gays”. The evening draws to a close, and the designers go home.

The next morning they return to the workroom for more sequin-wrangling. Nicolas has a lot more “featherwork” to do (code for “making new tighty-whities”) – and he’s trying to figure out a way to showcase Xtina’s boobies. Unlike Logan, Nicolas IS familiar with Christina’s work. She’s DIRRTY!


Tim Gunn visits – and he starts with Christopher. Christopher wants to do some kind of “reveal”. Tim thinks the reveal needs to actually reveal something – specifically “super sexy slut”. Tim, obviously, is extremely familiar with Xtina’s “work”. She’s DIRRTY!!


Tim Gunn visit highlights: Althea also wants to do a reveal and Tim is all like "WTF?". Gordana is “mentally drained” – but she has immunity. Nicolas’ look is very similar to his winning “Ice Queen” movie look. Tim hopes the judges won’t notice the similarity. Considering that the judges are different every week, there is absolutely zero chance of that happening.

More Tim Gunn visit. He likee Carol Hannah’s long black gown. On the other hand, Tim HATES Shirin’s mess – calling it “Guinevere meets Vampira”. Ouch. In the background, Irina is giving Shirin the stank eye, and wondering aloud why Shirin is still here – calling her design sensibility “bargain basement”. Delicious.

Model fittings. And then we have a weird scene (complete with chika WAH WOW porn music) between Carol Hannah and Logan. “Am I distracting you?”, the pretty boy asks. No, but the producers are trying way too hard to create a “romance” storyline - THAT’S distracting. By the end of the night, everyone is losing it – and Gordana is laughing hysterically at her horrible (but immune) dress. I doubt Nina will be as jolly about it on the runway tomorrow.

Finally, it’s runway day. There is hair, makeup, and accessory walls to deal with. Irina has now turned her stank eye back toward Carol Hannah – saying that Carol Hannah “annoys” her and calls her “mediocre”. Furthermore, Irina states that if you’re going to be mediocre, you could at least have a good personality to make up for it. Delicious.

Even more delicious is Nicolas’ assessment of Irina. “Irina is actually a really good designer”, he states. “The only problem with her is that she’s a bitch”. The Feather Queen is not messing around on Bob Mackie Day. Learn it.

Runway time. Heidi introduces the judges – Bob Mackie, the Dirrty Girl herself, and Nina motherhumpin Garcia!!!!! Time to walk.

I am surprised by how many people showed LONG dresses/gowns on the runway. Seriously, do they know about Xtina? She’s DIRRTY!!!


Results. Irina is stank safe. Gordana has immunity – so she is also safe. And she’s lucky, because her dress was a mess.

The judges likee Carol Hannah’s long black gown. They also likee Althea’s sparkly dress with a long train. And finally, they likee Nicolas’ feathered number. And, as predicted, none of the judges mention the similarity to Nicolas’ previous winning look. Because none of them (besides Heidi) were there that week. Duh.

The judges no likee Logan’s look. It’s a little too Betty Rubble in Viva Rock Vegas. Heidi states that Shirin’s dress looks like an “Upscale Halloween Witch outfit”. I wouldn’t call it “upscale”. And, finally, Christopher tried to create an outfit that Xtina could wear while singing a Cyndi Lauper song (because, you know, Christina doesn’t have any songs of her own to sing) – and after the “reveal”, Xtina could sing one of her own songs. Which is just a fancy way of saying “I created two ugly-ass outfits”. Nina, in particular, hates it – saying it is too similar to Xtina’s skanky old “Lady Marmalade” outfit. Remember, she’s DIRRTY!!!


That is NOT a look that needs to be resurrected.

The judges discuss amongst themselves. Some highlights: Bob Mackie wouldn’t put Christopher’s outfit on a chorus girl, and says it looked like “the road company of the Pussycat Dolls”. Delicious. Mackie also suggested a way to take Logan’s outfit to the next level: “You put diamonds on the crotch and you’re home free”. Unless your crotch area is this size...

All those diamonds could bankrupt a biatch.

Time for the results. Althea is in, and Carol Hannah is the winner. Nicolas is crushed – and immediately resigns as President of the Bob Mackie Fan Club. Logan is also in, and will be bedazzling diamonds onto the crotch of his shiny pants when he gets back to the apartment.

This leaves Shirin and Christopher. Shirin is out, and Christopher is safe. Lady Marmalade stays, while Witchiepoo (below) goes.


Next week: Rodeo Drive! More stank from Irina! And Michael Kors and Nina Garcia – TOGETHER on the judging panel at long last!

What did YOU think of Episode 9 and the outcome? Please feel free to vent in the comments section…