Top Chef D.C. Recap - "Hell To The Chef"

As always during a reality show season premiere, we must learn about a bunch of people in a short amount of time. And last night's Top Chef Washington D.C. premiere was no exception. Some people were highlighted extensively, while others were barely mentioned. So I might not talk about everyone in this first recap, just the most annoying, sexy, talented, and freakiest biatches of the bunch.

Cheftestants begin arriving at a rooftop space (what is it with Bravo and rooftops??) at the Smithsonian Institute Newseum. We meet Tracey, a big girl from Atlanta who I instantly fall in love with. Yay Team Big Girl from Atlanta!

We meet Kenny, who is from Colorado and who describes his confidence level at a "10" (on a scale from 1 to 10). We also meet bald Alex, who was born in Russia.

People meet, greet and mingle, while the producers show us a mix of footage from the rooftop as well as clips from Cheftestant audition tapes. One standout of this segment is Arnold Myint who is wearing a sassy scarf and danced in his audition video (maybe the tape was supposed to be sent to So You Think You Can Dance?). Arnold declares that before he arrived for filming, he got a facial (no comment) and hired a Wardrobe Stylist. If his stylist was responsible for that scarf then he/she needs to be fired immediately.

Then we meet Kevin Sbraga (below) who I will refer to from now on as "My Kevin", or "Big Daddy", or "Big Poppa" or "IKnowYouRMarriedButICouldMakeYouHappy". This man is right up my alley (pun definitely intended).

I don't know much about Kevin, because while he was on the television I was blinded by all the Big Daddyness in front of me. But I think he said he's from Jersey. I won't hold that against you, Papi.

We also meet a handsome gentleman named Angelo Sosa (below)...

Those of you who know would expect me to be head over high-heels in love with Angelo, but as soon as he's on camera Angelo name-drops famous Chefs and lists the fabulous exotic places he's visited. I bet he's never even been to the Bronx.  Pfft.

And, finally, we meet a curious-looking weirdo named John Somerville (below) who has Sideshow Bob hair (only nappier) and talks like Grover from Sesame Street. John remarks that he feels like a "stranger in a strange land". I don't know how strange the land is, but John seems like a straight-up freak.

Padma (whose rack is exquisite after giving birth) and Tom Colicchio walk onto the roof (a la Tim and Heidi) and greet the Cheftestants. They immediately announce the Quickfire.

Quickfire Challenge:

The Cheftestant's basic skills and speed will be tested in the Mise En Place challenge. There will be four rounds, with a number of the slowest chefs getting eliminated after each round.

Rounds:

1. Peel Potatoes

2. Finely Chop Onions

3. Massacre Some Chickens

4. Cook That Shizz

The winner recieves $20,000 from some sponsor that isn't the Glad Family of Products - which gives me a case of the sads. But, like my Mama told me - don't get mad, get Glad.  And yes, I believe I used that same line in a recap last season - get over it.

The competition begins with potato-peeling, and Kenny from Colorado KILLS the competition - which makes Fancy Cheftestant Angelo Sosa take notice. Arnold and his Big Gay Scarf is among the first group of chefs eliminated.

Round two - chopping onions (AKA "The Crying Game"). Kenny smokes those slow biatches AGAIN, and I'm starting to think I might have picked the wrong Big Daddy.

Round three - you guessed it, Kenny wins. This man is a maniac with a knife. Wait, I think I said that wrong...

This leaves Kenny, Been-Around-The-World-And-I-I-I Angelo, My Kevin, and Tim - who is a local chef from Washington D.C. They must use all the stuff they just hacked up to create a dish.

Kenny, as expected, stays cool-as-a-cucumber, while Angelo creates some kind of pretentious dish with all kinds of fancy ingredients. I don't know what My Kevin creates, but he mentions that he has a daughter - who I plan on treating like my own once Kevin and I get gaymarried in one of those heathen states. Yeah, I realize Kevin is straight and also has a wife, but I've never let that get in my way before. And I have the Orders of Protection to prove it.

Padma-And-Her-Boobies (I can't believe I just wrote that) and Tom walk around, nibble and judge. Tom announces that Tim and My Kevin are the bottom two, while already-archrivals Kenny and Angelo are the top two. Angelo wins the Quickfire and the $20,000 - much to my (and Kenny's) dismay.

Elimination Challenge:

The first Elimination Challenge is a pretty basic one: Create a dish which respresents where you're from. The Cheftestants will cater a fancy D.C. Cherry Blossom party, and will be put into four groups.

Within each group, the judges will pick a top person and a bottom person. The Four Tops will sing Sugar Pie Honey Bunch be eligible to win the challenge, and one of the four bitter bottoms will be sent home. True Fact: bitter bottoms are often sent home in shame. And I have the Orders of Protection to prove it.

The four people who competed in the final leg of the Quickfire get to choose the people they will compete against. I'm not going to list their names 'cause I still don't know who half these people are (especially all the nondescript white girls).

The next morning the Cheftestants do their first "Everybody-Crowd-The-Butcher-Counter" clustershop at Whole Foods. When that is over, they all head to the Top Chef Kitchen.

As always, many of the Cheftestants oooh and aaah over the fancy new kitchen stocked with state-of-the-art appliances (but no Glad products, dammit). Gay Arnold, who brings a flower with him to the kitchen (another suggestion from the Stylist?) is impressed with all the "fancy tools", which he CLAIMS not to have back home in Tennessee. Someone check his bottom dresser-drawer to see if that's true or not.

The Cheftestants begin preparing their dishes. We find out that Mr. Fancypants Angelo Sosa is from the rough-and-tumble streets of Connecticut. East Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide!!!! Angelo also states that he is like an Orchestra Conductor with flavors, he "can tell you when it's gonna hit your mouth". Which, in my world, is simply called "being polite".

Freaky John gives us some weird speech about how "maple really flows through the trees of Michigan". I think it's more like "Some good weed flows through the lungs of John". Dreadlocks has decided to do a dreaded, risky dessert. Cue Dramatic Chipmunk ... Dun dun DUN!!!

 

Some white girl is doing a Chicken Liver Mousse, but is trying to do it without butter or fat. Cue the rodent again (this time just a pic) ... Dun dun DUN!!!

Time is up in the Top Chef Kitchen, and everyone moves to the event venue. Soon after setting up, the Boobie Brigade/Judges arrive. And I am shocked to report that two of my favorite things on the face of this earth - Gail Simmons boobies - have been outshined. By PADMA. Exibit A ...

I am a little dismayed by this development, but I gotta say - that's one helluva set of Double-Whammies.

The judges visit the Cheftestants, eat and judge. When they approach Sideshow John, both Padma and Gail seem to back up a step when he opens his mouth, revealing his Silence of the Lambs "It rubs the lotion on its skin" voice. Furthermore, the judges don't seem too impressed with John's maple dessert - saying they can't even taste the maple.

The event concludes and the Cheftestants gather in the "No-Longer-Glad Storage Room of Generic Empty Cardboard Boxes". Padma enters and calls My Kevin, Russian Alex, Kenny and Angelo. They are the top four.

After discussions with all four of the top Cheftestants, Angelo (straight from the mean streets of Greenwich, CT - across from Neiman Marcus) is announced as the winner. 

The bottom four are called in. They are: someone named Stephen, Sideshow John, White-Girl-with-the-low-fat-pâté, and D.C. Timothy - who is shocked and PISSED to be in the bottom.

The judges discuss with the bottom four, the highlight (for me) being the part when they ask Sideshow John why he used pre-made pastry dough as one of the ingredients in his dessert. John's reply? "Uhhhhh ... I guess I was just being stupid". John may be weird, but that was probably the most honest answer to ever come out of someone's mouth at Judges Table EVER.

But, as we all know, honesty is NEVER the best policy (don't listen to your Grandma's lies), and John is told to pack his knives, his nappy dreadlocks, and that serial-killer voice and hit the road.