Top Chef Ep. 7 - Rep. Aaron Schock Is NOT GAY

Last week on Top Chef we had the cheesy “Cold Wars” challenge – My Kevin won and Tamesha was sent home. And my arch nemesis (in my head) Chef Michelle Bernstein was the guest judge. One of these days, Bernstein … one of these days… 

Today is a new day in Washington, D.C. – and the opening montage features footage from a cemetery as well as from the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. Foreshadowing?? 

Big Daddy Kenny – who can work a pimp robe better than Hugh Hefner and/or Kosmo Kramer – is still upset at being on the bottom last week. But he quickly decides he’s just “too much of a beast in the kitchen” to go home. Then he picked up his pimp cane and pimp cup and strolled on out the door... 

Quickfire Challenge: 

The Cheftestants enter the Top Chef Kitchen and are greeted by Padma and Aaron Schock – a freshman Republican Congressman who is totally not gay. Seriously. He’s not. Don’t even think about it. Even though he is prettier and has a better stylist than Padma… 

Aaron (which is SOOOOOOO not a gay name) is there to talk about Congressional ethics. BTW - A Republican discussing ethics is like ME giving a lecture on healthy eating, portion control, and the importance of exercise. 

Oh, and did I mention that Aaron Schock is NOT gay?!? Even though he dresses like THIS at lawn parties in the Hamptons… 

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting a very John Wayne-esque masculine vibe from that picture. 

Anywhore, it is revealed by NotGay Aaron and Padma (I hope she had her citizenship papers with her) that in order to prevent undue influence, politicians are only allowed to accept hors d’oeuvres which can fit onto a toothpick. $50,000 checks from the NRA are fine, but heaven forbid someone tries to feed a Congressman a whole crabcake. 

The chefs have 30 minutes to create an entrée on a toothpick. The winner will receive immunity AND $20,000 - $10,000 of which must be kicked back to his or her local Congressman. Just make sure to stick a toothpick in the money first. 

The Cheftestants scramble, and I am shocked (Schocked??) that half of these idiots are cooking scallops. When will they ever learn?? 

Amanda runs around like a crackhead, Angelo can’t stop looking at his reflection in the stainless steel appliances, and Ed (who reminds me of that “slow” cousin everyone has in their family) can’t seem to figure out how to get his dish onto a toothpick. Wow – maybe Ed should run for Congress. 

Utensils Down, Hands Up! 

Padma and Congressman Schock – who is not gay, how many times do I have to tell you that – taste the dishes-on-a-stick. 

Time for the results. Aaron … who looks like THIS without his shirt on but is not gay … 

… doesn’t care for Alex’s SCALLOPS, Ed’s dish with stick problems, and Kelly’s NANTUCKET BAY SCALLOPS. Dear Kelly – if a Republican is judging you, maybe you should stay away from dishes which reference the bluest of blue states – Massachusetts. Make a note of it. Oh, and SCALLOPS???? Really???!!!??? 

Representative Schock really likee My Kevin’s dish (back it up, beeyotch – I WILL CUT YOU), Angelo’s cucumber cup, and Stephen’s dish (The Congressman states – “Wow, there’s A LOT on that stick!”). Notice that all three of Schock’s “Tops” were men … coincidence??? 

Angelo is declared the winner, to which Big Daddy Kenny gives the “Smack That Biatch Up" side-eye. 

Elimination Challenge: 

For the Elimination Challenge this week, the Cheftestants will be preparing a “Power Lunch” at the Palm D.C. restaurant.  They each draw knives to determine which of the Palm proteins they will be serving. 

After the Whole Foods Grab-and-Growl, the chefs head back to the Top Chef Kitchen for 2 hours of prep. 

Angelo states that he’s not too familiar with the Power Lunch, probably because in Connecticut (where he’s from) they only have “Ladies Who Lunch”… 

Stephen, on the other hand, says he is extremely familiar with the Power Lunch, because he used to work the lunch shift at a downtown restaurant in San Francisco. However, I think he meant Power BOTTOM Lunch. 

The day comes to an end, and the Cheftestants return to the house so Kenny can get back into his pimp robe and Ed and Tiffany can work on their “friendship”. The main topic of discussion is the fact that Alex hasn’t figured out yet exactly what he’s doing with his salmon, and we also get the first uttering of the words “Pea Puree” – which will be repeated at least 30,000 times in the next half hour – despite the fact that “Pea Puree” sounds like a cure for a urinary tract problem.

The next day the chefs head over to the Palm and are greeted by some dude in a suite. He tells them Tom Colicchio will be there to make sure they don’t steal anything, the winner will get his or her dish on the Palm menu and also their caricature on the wall of the restaurant. 

Alex decides to use a PEA PUREE, and now an upset Ed all of a sudden can’t find his PEA PUREE. Tiffany tries to diffuse the PEA PUREE situation by offering Ed some of her broccolini (metaphor??). Kelly is hogging all the salt and won’t share with Amanda. 

The judges arrive, and I am thrilled to see four of my favorite things in this world… 

Gail Simmons 

Her Boobies (Lefty and Righty) … and … 

Chef Art Smith!!!! 

But then my stomach drops when I see gasbag former Republican Congressman (and current token conservative on MSNBC) Joe Scarborough. Not even Art Smith and the Boobies can make up for that asshat. 

The Cheftestants serve their dishes. Joe Scarborough likes thick meat (coincidentally, so does totally not gay Aaron Schock!) but not “foam”. Andrea serves her swordfish with some kind of butter, heavy cream, vanilla ice cream, sour cream and evaporated milk sauce (it’s described as a bit “heavy” – YATHINK???). Tiffany’s swordfish is a crowd pleaser. Art Smith flirts with cutiepie Luke Russert (git it, Girl!). Alex serves “forbidden rice” and … all together now … PEA PUREE with his salmon. Gail Simmons likes Kenny’s “fig jam” (metaphor??). 

After service, the politicians and journalists depart and Padma, Gail, The Boobies, Tom, and Art Smith discuss the Power Lunch. Art, as always, talks about food as “love”, but maybe he was just referring to Luke Russert. Then everyone heads to the Judges’ table. 

Back in the “No Longer Glad Generic Room of Pea Puree Discussion”, Padma calls Alex, Tiffany and Ed in to face the judges. They are the top three. Tiffany cries because she thought she was on the bottom. Ed is surprised to be there because he started out with unshelled lobsters which were as big as Angelo's ego. Alex was surprised to be there as well, but Art in particular loved that damn PEA PUREE and Alex is declared the winner. Tiffany and Ed give Alex the whatchutalkinboutartsmith side-eye. 

Alex will get his dish added to the Palm menu, and will get his caricature put on the wall. And since a caricature is done to make you look cartoony and weird, they can simply use this photograph - no artist necessary… 

On the bottom are My Kevin (too spicy, like Kevin himself), Andrea (swordfish had a heavy BP Gulf Oil Sauce) and Kelly (who salted her meat like an Eskimo preparing to store it for the winter). 

After the judges discuss, Andrea is sent home. She blames “mental” issues – not food issues - for her departure.

That’s ok Andrea – go back to Miami and egg Michelle Bernstein’s restaurant for me, will ya?!?  That should clear your head.