Michelle Obama: "I Challenge You To A Duel"...

... or a game or a match - whatever it is they call a Hopscotch competition.

The picture above shows First Lady Michelle Obama playing hopscotch with some children in Mumbai. I just want everyone to know that - as Lindner Park Hopscotch Champion (Summer, 1970-something), I could TOTALLY beat her at hopscotch. In fact, I DOUBLE-DARE Mrs. Obama to meet me on the sidewalk in front of my apartment here in Astoria so we can throw down. Bring the chalk, ma'am.

And yes - I realize that the First Lady is obviously very physically fit and in wonderful shape, whereas I'm ... um ... NOT. And I also know that if I won, Mrs. Obama could unleash her loyal army of ACORN Socialist Community Organizers on me. At least that's what they tell me on Fox News.

But that doesn't matter - because I have a secret weapon. All I have to do is recreate my championship hopscotch marker - just like the one I used to win the Lindner Park Hopscotch Championship all those many years ago. My very special marker wasn't a rock or a bean-bag - it was a custom-made bracelet made out of plastic beads strung onto yarn. And YES, I made it myself during art class at Lindner Park that summer. And it was fabulous ... all the other girls said so.

{{BTW - for those of you just tuning in - I'm REALLY gay ... like "No white after Labor Day" gay ... i.e. "If you beat me at hopscotch I'll challenge you to a vogue-off contest" gay. This is also known as "LIBERACE gay". Just thought you should know...}}

Anywhore, all I need to do is locate some vintage 1970's plastic beads in various colors and string those suckers together into a child-sized bracelet, and I'm good to go.

You're GOING DOWN, First Lady Michelle Obama ... you're going down...