Last time on The Fashion Show, stuff happened but it was two
weeks ago and I can’t remember what that stuff was. Hell, at this age I can’t
remember what I had for lunch unless I floss my teeth and examine the evidence.
This week on The Fashion NO – Dominique has a sad, and the
last episode is slowly starting to come back to me. Dominique had to speak up
for her man - the undoubtedly cute but questionably heterosexual David – after
he was too wussy to stick up for himself in front of the judges. This made
Dominique all …
David thinks Dominique is upset about their teammate Ro going home – not because David probably likes peen more than he likes Dominique.
The usual cheesy note is slipped under the door, instructing the Fashiontestants to report to the swanky Upper East
Side .
They arrive at Restaurant Daniel and adorable Eduardo
notices that it looks “berry spensive”. That one’s a regular Agatha Christie
(by way of Ricky Ricardo), isn’t he?
Inside, Isaac explains that Daniel is the place where
upper-crusty rich biatches go to discuss couture and society balls and gigolos and shizz. This week the designers will be creating gowns for a “high
society charity ball” for some “out of town” “real clients".
The “clients” this week, as we all know, are Bravo’s
HouseHo’s – the New Jersey clan and the Orange County Jersey ones (I really miss
Carmela Soprano, what can I say?) – but not the Orange County HouseHos.
Question: Are you required to actually BE orange to live in Orange County Long Island ??
Anyprostitutionwhores, the House of Emerald gets to pick
which HouseHos to work with since they won last week – and they choose the Orange chicks. This leaves the House of Nami dealing with
the refined ladies of the Garden
State
The designers meet with their clients for air-kissing, idea
swapping, and measurement-taking. The House of Emerald is basically told by the
House of Orange County that they would like to be naked – but in a classy way.
All fake body parts must be on display at all times – forever and ever. Amen.
The House of Nami, on the other hand – is told what the
ladies want covered up. After all, these New Jersey Housewives are the epitome
of modesty and class. This is until you mess with their family, then it’s all …
… and …
… and …
DON’T.MESS.WITH.THE.FAMILY.
David, that notorious lover of vajayjays, mentions that
Caroline has the same build as his mother. Please don’t be surprised when they
find his decomposed (but still adorable) corpse somewhere in the New Jersey
It’s time for Isaac consultations and Mood Boards. Here is this
week’s Mood Board for House of Nami/New Jersey …
Unsurprisingly, the teammates can’t seem to come together
about color, design and cohesion – and the ever-perceptive David mentions again
that poor Dominique is still upset about Ro leaving. That one really knows how
to read women, doesn’t he?
The House of Emerald/Orange County presents THEIR Mood Board
to Isaac …
They decide on using gold and champagne tones – because gold
is all classy and shizz – like their clients.
The designers go to NotMood for fabric shopping, and then to
the workroom to begin creating their masterpieces.
Cesar, who ends up with Ashley as his client, mentions about
5,000 times that Ashley has REAL boobs, and he has to strap those puppies down
because real boobs move a lot. Or something. Sorry, not my area of expertise.
Golnessa is paired with Gretchen – who, naturally, wants to show
off her (unnatural) boobs. Unfortunately Golnessa doesn’t “drape, cut or sew”
very well (according to Cesar), which sounds like a big problem on a show which
requires you to drape, cut and sew on the regular.
David remarks (again) that Caroline Manzo is “big-chested” and short. And
Dominique mentions (again) how she and David just “get each other” – which is a
“distraction”. And, again, she’s all …
Dominique is REALLY going to be upset when David is last spotted on the Manzo family boat off the coast of Long Branch
Day One ends and Day Two begins – with client fittings
scheduled at 3:00 pm. Jeffrey’s client, Lynne, reacts to his dress by saying “wow” and “I never
wore that color before” (not a good sign). Then Lynne demands that he remove most
of fabric. Jeffrey agrees, although he privately grumbles about his
dress formerly being “modest and elegant” and now it’s, um, NOT.
Gretchen likes her dress so much that she does a little
bounce in it, which rips out the side of the gown. Golnessa remarks that either
the dress shrunk or Gretchen grew, and decides to add another strip of fabric
in order to fix it. When Golnessa’s buddy Cindy sees her Ms. Fixit job, she
remarks that it looks like a “side vajayjay”. David, undoubtedly, will be repulsed THRILLED by this.
Calvin completely finishes not one but TWO dresses
for refined lady Teresa – but she can’t decide which one she likes better. On
one hand there’s the dress which makes her look like a tramp, and on the other
hand there’s the one which makes her look like a tramp from Scores. Scores, for
those of you not from around NYC, is a “gentleman’s club” that may or may not
be controlled by the Gambino Crime family. What a coinky dink!! Naturally, she
picks the Scores dress – family obligations, dontcha know.
Cut to Dominique, who is all …
… because David’s dress is an ugly horrible green (he
decided to go with the color of cold hard cash – which he thought Caroline
would respond to) and he might be going home. Dominique literally has to leave
the room “to get some air” because she is so upset about this. DEAR
DANIELLE – HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. Trust me honey.
Eduardo, with his adorable accent and vast knowledge of
gown-making, suggests to David that he cover up that mess with some chiffon and make it look more 'spensive. This
improvement might at least buy enough time for David to get out of the
metropolitan area before Caroline makes that phone call … “Hey Big Lou, this is
Caroline Manzo. Howyoodoin? Listen carefully: We’re gonna need some more
concrete for that ‘paving job’ I told you about. Meet me at the usual place and
bring the guy with the thing. I’ll call you from the pay phone in a half hour”.
The judges and audience arrives for the show. The lights
come up and the House of Emerald shows first. The ladies of Orange County
Seriously honey, you need to get that checked.
It’s now time for the Real HouseHos of New Joisey to show
the plastic orange ladies how it’s done. They perform a Garden State
Time for judging. The House of Emerald/Orange County is up first.
The judges seem to likee Cindy’s dress and were impressed with Cesar’s ability
to lock down Ashley’s unruly natural boobs. On the other hand, they thought
Jeffrey’s original and less hoochie-ish design would have been better. And they
REALLY hated the way Golnessa put a side vajayjay on Gretchen. One vajayjay is more
than enough, thankyouverymuch.
The House of Nami is up next. The judges no likee Calvin’s
and Dominique’s designs – but they do likee David's revamped dress and the gown Eduardo made for Dina...
The House of Nami wins – and Eduardo is the overall winner for the third time. Naturally, a relieved Dominique is all
like …
Oy.
The House of Emerald goes back in front of the judges and
gets chastised for their “muddled” and “unflattering” color palette – as well
as some design issues. Cindy and Cesar are safe, leaving Jeffrey and Golnessa
on the bottom.
In the end, it is Golnessa who is “out of fashion” for THIS
…
And, unsurprisingly, she is all like …
But I choose to look at the bright side – at least I won’t
have to worry about telling Cindy and Golnessa apart anymore. And that makes me
all like …
LOLOLOLOL!!
ReplyDeleteI love, love, LOVE the mood boards!
And what woman wants to be told she resembles someone's mother!!! I'm a mother and I'd have put him in concrete overalls or whatever it is you all do out there in Mafia Land. (I actually have been east of the Mississippi which is why I can view that area with caution... don't even get me
started on the South, bwa-ha-ha!).
Do you suppose David is going to make a big announcement and send Dominque on to the ledge? So many reality shows so few storylines left.
xoxoxoxox
Your mood boards were hysterical! I didn't watch the show, but judging from the picture you posted, Golnessa's dress could have been saved by ripping off the bottom frill part. It would have been a little plain but might not have caused her to go home. C'est la vie.
ReplyDeleteThere were some really ugly designs, especially from the Emeralds. I didn't see much elegance there, and it made me glad again that I don't watch those Housewives shows.
ReplyDeleteWonderful recap! You make it all better!!
Oops...sorry I forgot to do a Recapalooza on BB. I'm just so not into that blog (I quit, actually, as soon as TFSUC is over).
ReplyDeleteI think David will have to make the big announcement soon - he's not going to last much longer. On the show, that is. :)
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo