Top Chef All Stars - Ep. 2 - "I'd Rather Be Too Saucy Than Bland"

Last week on Top Chef All Stars, about 856 former Cheftestant losers arrived in New York City to compete. Elia, she of the shaved head and the French accent, was sent home – and smug Angelo, he who was raised on the mean streets of suburban Connecticut, got the first win.

This week’s episode begins with everyone breathing a sigh of relief for getting through the first challenge. Everyone but Elia, that is, who is still angrily throwing baguettes and escargot at her cat after going home. Fabio, in particular, feels “lacky” to be there after almost losing the “Who has the biggest cannoli?” contest with Anthony Bourdain.

The Cheftestants enter the Top Chef kitchen and are greeted by Padma and Joe Jonas. Which makes perfect sense to me, because I saw this picture on the internet …

He’s obviously a big fan - of Top Chef AND of tight jeans. And maybe boners??...

Antonia, who has a daughter who loves the Jonas Brothers, immediately recognizes Joe, as does Spike – who calls him a “teenage heartthrob”. NOTE TO JOE JONAS: Don't let Spike trick you into taking a drunken bubble-bath with him. Just saying...

Dale Talde, on the other hand, has no earthly idea who Joe Jonas is – thinking he is a pastry chef or maybe Padma’s new assistant.

Padma announces that the Quickfire this week will be for the Cheftestants to create a midnight snack for kids at the American Museum of Natural History’s annual sleepover. Bravo obviously got a handful of two-for-one museum passes, because the Natural History Museum was also the backdrop of a recent The Fashion Show Ultimate Collection challenge. In this economy, who can blame Bravo for wanting to save a little cash?? After all, Andy Cohen’s budget for blazers and open-necked dress shirts has got to be HUGE.

Anywhore, the chefs must create a “brown bag” snack that does not require utensils – and they have 45 minutes to complete it. Joe Jonas will pick the winner, because he totally knows what little kids like. Or something.

And they’re off! Dale L decides to create Crack for kids – consisting of pretzels, marshmallows, Whoppers (the candy, not the burgers), crystal meth and oxycontin – toped with a PCP glaze. It may end up tasting like crap, but Joe Jonas (and the kids) will be WAY too high to notice.

Meanwhile Dale T is still wondering why this “Joe Jonas” person gets to judge his food. He realizes Stage Hands are unionized and everything, but he didn’t think Quickfire judging was part of their collective bargaining agreement. Regardless, Dale briefly considers using NyQuil as the main ingredient for his corn cakes.

Utensils Down, Hands Up!  Joe “I’m Not Padma’s Makeup Gay” Jonas and Padma make the rounds.

No Likee:

Tiffany D, Mike I (who made POLENTA for kids) and Stephen’s healthy cookie.

Likee:

Spike’s carrot chips and dip and Tiffani’s rice crispy treat thingy. Joe Jonas can’t decide which one he likes best, so the kids will decide the winner tonight at the museum. Crafty Spike immediately realizes he is screwed because carrot chips vs. Tiffani’s sweet gooey deliciousness = him losing. So unless Spike can get his hands on one of the Dale’s drug-laced snacks and feed it to the kids beforehand – he is doomed.

The teams get to work on their brown bag snacks and then head over to the museum and set up shop. All of a sudden a horde of children runs into the room like a swarm of crazed Mongols invading China. Actually, the Mongols were probably better behaved.

After a little while of getting the kids hopped up on sugar, Padma and Joe Jonas enter the room. Now THERE’S a great idea. Let the kids whip themselves up into a frenzy, and THEN have one of their idols walk into the room. I think at that point Joe Jonas wished he really was just Padma’s intern.

By a show of applause (and by 'applause' I mean 'blood-curdling screams') Tiffani’s rice crispy thingy is judged to be the winner. She gets immunity and “an advantage later”.

The tired Cheftestants turn around to go home and get some sleep, when Tom Colicchio appears. Uh oh – this is trouble. He announces that the Elimination Challenge begins NOW – the Cheftestants will also be sleeping over at the museum and preparing breakfast for the kids and their parents in the morning.

Then Chef Colicchio, who is also a noted Paleontologist (don’t question me on this – it’s true), gives the chefs a quick lesson about pre-historic times. Back in the day, the Tyrannosaurus Rex ate meat (thankfully there was no Paleolithic PETA), and Brontosaurususeses’ (Brontosauri??) - the Hippies of the Jurassic age – ate only vegetables.

Anywhore, since Tiffani won the Quickfire she gets to choose either Team T-Rex (cooking with meat and eggs) or Team Hippie Brontosaurus (fruits and veggies). She chooses meat and eggs over twigs and bark – thinking this will give them a clear advantage for a breakfast challenge.

The Cheftestants are given cots to sleep on – and some of them settle right in. Tre, on the other hand, is uncomfortable because he normally sleeps in the nude to which I say: PLEASE MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE! Seriously, the world would be a better place if that man was more naked.

Prissy Stephen is also uncomfortable – because he’s used to sleeping in a fancy loft on fancy sheets beside his fancy life-sized blow-up doll named "Trixie". Barf.

The teams meet and discuss menus/strategy and both teams decide to pair-up in order to get their menus done. However, the Cheftestants won’t know exactly which ingredients they have to work with until tomorrow morning.

At 4:00 am, after some slept and others explored the museum, everyone heads into the kitchen. Team T-Rex finds meat and eggs but that’s about it – no herbs or NyQuil or PCP. Team Brontosaurus discovers a plethora of fruits and vegetables but nothing else.

In the midst of cooking, Jamie cuts her finger and is told to go get stitches. After she leaves, everyone is all like “WTF?” and “Really??” and “I thought lesbians were accustomed to finger injuries?!”. Fabio notes that during the finale of his season, he broke his “feenger” but kept on cooking. And Fabio isn’t even a lesbian.

Jen – Jamie’s cooking partner – decides she’ll just have to suck it up and complete their dish by herself. Casey remarks that she knows a whole bunch about dinosaurs because she has all the Jurassic Park movies on VHS – and, also, Jen’s pork belly tastes like “wet bacon”. And Fabio freaks out when Spike doesn’t treat his precious gnocchi like fragile antique porcelain dolls.

Everyone heads outside to set up their buffets, and Marcel immediately gets into a “I’m a bigger douchebag than YOU” contest with Angelo. Boy, that match up could go either way. Jamie returns and everyone is still all like “Whatever, Lady!” and gives her the side eye for not wrapping her wound in banana peels and butcher’s twine instead of going to the hospital.

The kids and parents arrive – and although the meat & eggs line (Team T-Rex) is longer, Team Brontosaurus has a secret weapon – the charming Fabio and his accent of gold. He charms the children (and especially their mothers) by describing his gnocchi as “leetle peelows made outta potatoes”. He got my vote.

The judges arrive, and Katie Lee (no longer) Joel is this week's guest judge. This is noteworthy because Katie was the host of Top Chef’s first season, but was replaced by Padma. This is also noteworthy because next to Katie Lee, Padma seems to have the most expressive and exuberant personality this side of Phyllis Diller. Katie Lee looks like she nibbles on NyQuil Corn Cakes during commercial breaks.

Everybody eats, the judges meet and discuss, and the Cheftestants head back to the Not-So-Glad Storage Room. Jen, who has obviously gotten some of Dale L’s Kiddie Crack, is making weird faces and talking smack. She is acting like that alcoholic Aunt everyone hates sitting beside at family reunions.

Padma enters and asks to see Team Brontosaurus – they are the winners. In particular, Angelo, Marcel and Blais are the overall winners for their banana parfait.

The losing Team T-Rex goes in front of the judges and immediately starts complaining. Tiffani moans that no one told her it would ONLY be meat and eggs, everyone moans because Jamie didn’t cut off her damaged finger (lesbian blasphemy!) and keep on cooking, and Jen continues to make faces reminiscent of that certifiably crazy Seth guy from Top Chef Just Desserts.

Padma finally calls out Jen for looking “pissed off”, and Jen proceeds to yell at the judges for being stupid or not asking for plates or something. Who knows – it’s just the Crack talking at this point. Tre is also called out for his salty sauce (even I won’t go there) and Antonia and Tiffany are close to the bottom for their inconsistently cooked frittatas.

They go back to the Not-So-Glad Storage Room and Jen admits to yelling at the judges – “Welcome to Jen All Stars” she slurs. Didn't Jen ever see one of those "This Is Your Brain On Drugs" commercials?? 

The judges discuss and bring Team T-Rex back in front of the Judges Table. Unsurprisingly, Jen and her crack-talk is sent home. She melts down further and actually yells on the way out the door. Jen also decides that maybe “she was too strong” and this is the reason she was sent home.

Yeah … I’m sure that was it.

Next week – Tiffani freezes her melons!! 

You can read my recap from last week HERE.

What did YOU think of last night's episode? Please leave a comment and share your thoughts.

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