Top Chef All Stars Ep. 5 - "Grand (Dis)Harmony Palace

Last time on Top Chef All Stars, Spike was sent home even though Jamie somehow managed to get away with not doing much of anything. In fact, Richard Blais compared Jamie to the elusive giant octopus – lurking unseen in the deep, only venturing out occasionally to cook chick peas before disappearing again. I had no idea Octolesbians knew how to cook chick peas – obviously I need to watch more of the Discovery Lesbian Channel. 

On this week’s Quickfire, the Cheftestants enter the Top Chef kitchen and find out they will be competing head-to-head with Daddybear Chef Tom Colicchio. Tom will create a dish in the fastest time possible – and the Cheftestants will then create their own dishes in the same amount of time (or less). The only other rule is that they cannot make a raw, uncooked dish. Also, the winner will receive immunity and a Toyota “Prius” – a vehicle which sounds like it was named after a Pope or a surgical instrument. Amirite? 

Ready, set, cook! The All Stars look on in awe as they observe Chef Colicchio and his madd culinary skillz. And as Tom moves around the kitchen, they follow him blindly - like Arkansas blackbirds (watch out for those power lines!). 

After all is said, done and sautéed – Chef Tom prepared his Black Sea Bass dish at 8 minutes, 37 seconds. Which is about the same amount of time it takes me to finish my second McRib – although I’ve been known to come in at under 5 minutes if I’m really hungry. 

Ready, set, QUICKFIRE! Everyone heads to the pantry – except for the shifty, crafty, sneaky, lurking, octopus-like Marcel – who grabs Tom’s leftover Black Sea Bass. {{using my best Kung Fu voice}} “You learn quickly, young douchehopper…”. 

Everyone cooks for 8 minutes and 37 seconds, and then Padma and Tom taste the results. Some didn’t finish (Dale, Jamie) and Angelo, of course, prepared a raw dish, even though he wasn’t supposed to. On the other hand, Richard Blais, Marcel and Mike Isabella prepared dishes they liked. 

In the end, Mike Isabella wins immunity and the car – and I throw up a little in my mouth. I REALLY just don’t like that guy. And did you ever notice when they interview Mike on camera his head takes up your ENTIRE television screen? Look for it next time. Actually, you won't be able to miss it - trust me. 

Anywhore, Mike Isabella, his giant head, and Marcel get into Mike’s new car – thus making the Toyota Prius the Official Vehicle of Douchenozzles and Their Extremely Large Heads. 

Elimination Challenge: 

In this week’s elimination challenge, the Cheftestants will take over the Grand Harmony Restaurant in Chinatown for a Dim Sum lunch rush. Douchy Marcel is psyched to go to Chinatown, because it’s where he gets “cheap massages”. Ewwwww. Dale is also happy because he works in a Dim Sum restaurant – and also because as a kid he had to go home and eat sticky rice when the little David Dusts of the neighborhood were scarfing down McRibs. Sometimes life is just unfair that way. 

The Cheftestants return to the apartment for menu planning, drinking, and boobtalk – which for some reason makes the men flee. Um, I thought straight guys would be into that kind of stuff. I would understand if this was ProjectRunwayTopDesignTheFashionShow – but Top Chef??? Wow. 

They decide that Mike Isabella will “expedite” during tomorrow’s service. “Expedite" is restaurant code for “Stand around and yell about how badly you need food to serve the customers”. Coincidentally, this is also what I do in line at McDonald’s waiting for my double-McRib order. They also decide that Casey and Carla will be “Front of House” and push the Dim Sum carts. Oh, and Jamie has decided to do scallops, which makes Fabio recite the Top Chef sound bite of the ages. Everybody say it with me: “This issa Top Chef – notta Top Scallop!”. Jamie also decides to do two dishes – but not really because Antonia is going to help her with one of them. Or something. 

At this point I called the local Chinese restaurant and ordered delivery – because I realized McDonalds stopped serving McRibs and all this Dim Sum talk was making me hongray. 

The next day they go to the Chinatown equivalent of Whole Foods. And I mean, seriously, they serve WHOLE foods. Whole frogs, whole eels, and whole turtles. Poor Fabio – who has a pet turtle that he calls his “Preensess” and takes for walks on a leash – is traumatized by how the “mean” people at the market keep cutting up little Preensesses and making soup. 

The ever-sensible (and OhMyGodSEXY) Tre decides to take a different approach – walking up to the meat counter and inquiring: “What’s dead?”. But no one speaks English there, so Tre probably got a bag of slithering eels and was sent on his sexy way. 

In addition to pushing a Dim Sum cart, Casey decides to go WAY out there and prepare a chicken feet dish – which is ALMOST as disgusting as the thought of Marcel getting a rubdown across the street at Fun Yung Tings Massage Palace. 

They all head to the boiling hot Grand Harmony kitchen to prepare their dishes. A while later, the dining room fills up with 250 ravenous Chinatown residents. When you're a kid and your Mom reminded you to think of those “people starving in China” who would be “MORE THAN HAPPY” to eat those Brussels sprouts – THESE were apparently the people she was talking about. Because they were HONGRAY. 

So hungry, in fact, that some literally grab food off the Dim Sum carts as they go by. The diners obviously thought they were at the Grand Harmony Country Buffet, which is actually located on the New Jersey turnpike just south of Tenafly. I think.

The judges arrive – and they include Top Chef Master Susur Lee – the calm, cool, zen-like Mr. Miyagi of cuisine. The judges seem to get food rather quickly – but after looking around the room and seeing the starving masses, Chef Tom decides to go down to the kitchen and bust some heads. 

The scene in the hot Grand Harmony kitchen is chaotic. The Cheftestants are trying to meticulously prepare their dishes – but when you’re cooking for 250 starving former Communists you shouldn’t worry about presentation. Tom tries to get the chefs to send food out faster, and at one point Casey had to come downstairs because Antonia hadn’t sent out her chicken feet as she had promised. Dale, meanwhile, isn't even breaking a sweat – wiping of his Chef’s clogs and taking it easy. Dale has GOT THIS… 

He’s such a cute little fella, isn’t he?!? 

At the end of service, everyone feels pretty beaten up and not at all positive about what may happen at Judges Table. They gather in the Not-So-Glad Storage Room and await a stone-face Padma – who asks to see Casey, Antonia, Carla, Jamie and Tre. 

These five are on the bottom. Casey for her nasty chicken feet, Antonia for her part in Jamie’s bean dish, Carla for bland summer rolls, Tre for his warm custard dessert (insert inappropriate “hot cream” remark HERE), and Jamie because … well … because Jamie is always in the bottom. Despite having 8 suction-cup-equipped tentacles which should really help her while cooking. 

The top four dishes were made by Tiffany D, Angelo, Dale and Fabio (who prepared ribs which he declared were a divine Top Chef “MARACLE” for turning out so well). In the end Dale T – the Dim Sum Daddy – wins the challenge. As I told you, he GOT THIS.

As for the Chef who was sent home, everyone thought it would be Jamie. Including Jamie herself. After all, Jamie made one bad dish (scallop dumplings) and assisted in making another atrocity (General Tso’s Greasy Beans). HOWEVER, it is Casey who is sent home for her nasty chicken feet – much to everyone’s surprise. 

Then Jamie – having survived another day - returned to her hidden undersea cave to rest and prepare for the next challenge. 

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