Top Chef All Stars Ep. 12 - The Most Amazing Episode EVER!

OMG – did you see last night’s episode of Top Chef All Stars?!? Wow!! SO MUCH HAPPENED!!! It was an action-packed 75 minutes, so let’s just dive right in – we have a lot to cover.

FYI: my notes are a little sketchy (I was just so enthralled with all the fast-paced events taking place on-screen), so my facts might be a little bit off…

It is morning in Brooklyn, and the Cheftestants gather in the Top Chef apartment to try and predict what might be in store for them. Antonia thinks maybe Padma could be stopping by, but she couldn’t have been more wrong! Chef Tom Colicchio shows up at the door, wearing nothing but a leather harness and assless chaps!! The Cheftestants totally freak out!

Tom tells them to meet him in the basement, which just happens to be the official Top Chef Dungeon. I’m not quite sure why they had to meet there, besides the fact that they all got a chance to flog a shirtless Marcel (he was chained to the wall). Fun!

After the flogging, Tom instructs the Cheftestants to head over to the Staten Island Ferry. For those of you who are unfamiliar, the Staten Island Ferry is a commuter boat which carries people back and forth from Staten Island – New York’s only Republican borough. That why we let the Ferry crash every now and again – we don’t want those Republicans getting too comfortable in our very Democratic city.

Anywhore, the Cheftestants head to the tip of Manhattan and get on the Ferry. Once there, they find a note which informs them that their Quickfire Challenge will actually take place ON the Ferry! They are instructed to create a dish out of whatever they can find on the boat – cigarette butts, old life preservers, discarded Dunkin’ Donuts cups, etc.

And as if that wasn't hard enough – the Cheftestants won’t even have a clock to time themselves! They will be cooking “toot to toot”. A homeless man (who sleeps on the Ferry) will fart to mark the beginning of the challenge, and when enough gas has built up, will fart again to indicate the Quickfire is over.

Ready … set … TOOT!!!

The Chefs scramble, and before they know it they hear a loud, familiar sputtering sound - indicating that they must stop.

The Ferry docks in Staten Island, where the Chefs are greeted by Padma and a Barbershop Quartet!

This particular Barbershop Quartet is known for its four-part harmonies and love of local, sustainable food. So Diverse! After tasting, the Barbershop Quartet actually SINGS the results (in pitch-perfect harmony – natch). On the bottom were Bighead Mike for a soup he made out of a discarded New York Times, and on top was Carla – who made a salad out of an orange peel she found in the trash can. Blais was visibly annoyed that he didn’t win – especially since he poisoned a couple of seagulls (he carries poison in his knife bag, always) and roasted them with a Bic lighter. Blais called his dish “Chicken of the Sea, Flambé”, but it failed to impress Padma and the harmonizing, locally-grown vocalists. Too bad!

Padma notes that this will be their last challenge in New York City, and only four of them will continue to the Bahamas for the finals.

For this week’s elimination challenge, the Cheftestants must create a dish that represents their family and their heritage. And to help them, each Cheftestant gets a visit from … … THEIR EVIL TWINS!!!!!

Yep, that’s right – apparently each of the five remaining Cheftestants have Evil Twins, and Top Chef flew them in to assist in the challenge. All except Bighead Mikey, of course, who IS the Evil Twin – so his Good Twin showed up.

The Cheftestants sit down with their twins to discuss their families, and their dishes. Not much came out of this, besides the HUGE bombshell that ANTONIA AND BIGHEAD MIKE ARE ACTUALLY BROTHER AND SISTER!!! AND DARTH VADER IS THEIR FATHER!!! I know, right?!? Weird!!!

Anywhore, after meeting with their twins, they head to Coney Island to cook family-inspired hot dogs at Nathan’s Famous. I'm not sure why they picked Coney Island - it seems to me that Ellis Island would have been a better location for a family challenge, but whatevs.

The Cheftestants cook and cook and cook and pray that they make it to the Bahamas, hoping to impress the judges and their twins with their magnificent wieners.

The judges and Evil Twins arrive, and sit down at an open-air table outside Nathans. One by one the Cheftestants present their wieners to the table. And one by one, the judges and Evil Twins began to twitch and vomit violently. Everything was gross!!!

All the diners, it turns out, had to be rushed to the hospital! Apparently Blais’ seagull poison somehow got into everyone wieners!! And when the judges and twins put those nasty wieners in their mouths, THEY ALL DIED!!! Yep, Padma, the Barbershop Quartet, Tom (still in his assless chaps, ‘cause that’s how he rolls), and all the Evil Twins were pronounced dead upon arrival at Coney Island Hospital of Acute Wiener Toxoplasmosis. In layman's terms, that's "Death By Hot Dog".

However, there was one survivor. Actually, make that two. Gail’s Boobies – which are immortal and immune to wieners – were not affected by the poison. So, as the last surviving judges, they told all five Cheftestants to pack their knives, their poison, their wieners, and get the hell out of town. Now!

Then Gail’s Boobies cancelled the Top Chef finale in the Bahamas and signed a six-figure deal to write a tell-all book about their harrowing experience.

THE END.

NOTE: Actually, none of that happened – but the episode was such a touchy-feelgoodathon, that it was hard to find stuff to be snarky about. Even Bighead Mikey was likeable. So I made everything up. When life gives you lemons (or orange peels)...

Actually, Antonia and Mike are distant cousins and all five will go to the Bahamas to compete against the Chefs who won their particular season.

THE END. Forealz this time.

What did YOU think of last night's episode. Please share with us in the Comments.


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