Project Runway 9 - Ep. 1: "Fairy Tale Hair, Baby"

Well, well, well. Here we are again – another season of Project Runway. And you wanna know something? Episode One didn’t piss me off!! And neither did the Casting Special!! Baby steps, people… 

Before I start on my recap, I need to make a disclaimer. Last season I had the benefit of a DVR – so I could pause the show and rewind if something was missed. This was FABULOUS and really helped me to write a more accurate recap. Also – it allowed me to pee and/or microwave a Lean Hot Pocket without missing anything. 

However, my roommates and I decided that we can no longer afford the DVR (air conditioning is so much more important). So, before you make a “Ummm … I think Whatshisname said ‘blah blah blah’ – not Whatshername” comment, please keep in mind that my mind is feeble and my DVR is gone. Which, btw, will be the title of my memoir – look for it at Amazon.com this fall. 

Ok, now a few bullet points about the Casting Special – which aired an hour before the Season One premiere. This is the show where they introduce us to the designers – and since there were 20 of those bitches I needed all the introductions Lifetime was willing to give me. Some thoughts: 

• Seth Aaron is still straight, right? Because he was giving me an ‘Adam Lambert’s Gay Dad’ vibe last night. Which, as vibes go, is actually pretty fabulous. 

• Speaking of Seth Aaron, isn’t it telling that HE was the one who anchored the Casting Special (and the castings) – NOT the winner of last season? In fact, unless I missed it (see above), the words “Gretchen” and “Jones” were not uttered during the entire show. 

• There WAS, however, an appearance by the true winner of Season 8 – Mondo Guerra. I still want to hug that boy. 

• I instantly hated all three of the Menswear Queens – the bronze/gay one, the closeted Mormon one and the Eurogaysian one. Sorry – first impressions and all that. 

• Did that beeyotch really say “You need a privileged Pretty Girl!”??? No ... YOU need to STFU before burping things like that out of your mouth.

But enough about the casting special – let’s get to the real deal. 

As you know, the first episode is always about getting to know the too-many-to-keep-track-of Fashiontestants. And this year they brought 20 (!) designers to NYC. Here is a list of them, along with my quick first impressions of each. 

1. Kimberly. I won't say she’s little bit ghetto, but while walking through Times Square was excited to see “Red Lobstah” - home of the delicious “Cheddah Biscuits”. Which, come to think of it, is also MY favorite thing about Times Square. It’s settled then – I love her. Also ... "Nut Juice". Yep, she's my new BFF.

2. Bryce. Gay. That’s all I got. 

3. Anya (below). Beauty queen. Seriously – she was Miss Trinidad & Tobago. Has an awesome accent. She's drop-dead gorgeous. But Anya only learned how to sew 4 months ago, which pretty much gave Tim Gunn an aneurism. 

4. Becky Ross. Sounds way too similar to “Betsy Ross”. Therefore, Miss Ross BETTER sew an American Flag dress during this season or I’ll be extremely disappointed.

5. Olivier. Eurogaysian. Frosted hair. Everyone loves his accent – but I’m not so sure. 

6. Josh C. Mormon. I’m not saying he’s a closet case … but he’s a closet case. And a little insane, methinks. I say this because he moves his mouth when others speak to him – almost like he’s lip-synching-for-his-life to the words he’s hearing. Or to the voices in his head. 

7. Laura. “Privileged Pretty Girl”. Nina Garcia seems to hate her, which warms the cockles of my cold dark heart. 

8. David. The Non-Euro Gaysian. 

9. Viktor. The Latino Gay. 

10. Julie. Snowboarder. Something ain’t quite right with her. 

11. Amanda. The Perky One. Oh honey … NO. 

12. Fallene. Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club. 

13. Gunnar. Kentucky Derby Queen. 

14. Danielle. Can’t remember her at all. Wrote “weird white girl” in my notes. Seems to be a lot of that this season.

15. Joshua. Definitely NOT in the closet. Bronze. 

16. Cecilia. Definitely foreign. Possibly evil.

17. Rafael. Bad facial hair. Really bad. EPICALLY bad. 

18. Bert. This Queen is the REAL DEAL. I have just three words for you: “Blass”, “Scaasi”, and “Halston”. Beeyotch has worked for all three before becoming a drunk. OMG, luvs him. I know he’ll probably end up being a NASTY queens (former drunks sometimes are), but for now he’s my favorite. Also – he’s 102 years old. At least. 

19. Anthony. Cancer survivor. Color blind. 

20. Serena. Tried out for Project Runway 10 years ago. Still trying. 

Anywhore, all these bitches haul in their crap and show it to the judges - Heidi, Michael Kor(ange)s, Nina Garcia, and Tim Gunn. Twenty of these desperate fabric wranglers traveled to NYC, and four of them will be going home before the first challenge even begins. 

After their presentations, everyone waits nervously in The Glad Family Of Products Stew Room the holding area – and Heidi and Tim enter to dish the good and bad news: David (Other Gaysian), Gunnar (Derby Queen), Amanda (The Perky One) and Serena (Still Trying) are going home. See ya. Wouldn’t wanna be ya. 

The 16 remaining designers have their customary toast – and Heidi gets a little tipsy (she must not pregnant for a change) and messes up her lines. “One day yerrrr out … and the next day yerrrr … um … make it work??...{{hiccup!}}”.

After drinky-drinks, the designers head over to the Atlas apartments to unpack and get some sleep. But Tim Gunn has other plans. 

At 5:00 am, Tim wakes the designers like a refined, gay Drill Sergeant. He tells them to keep their sleeping clothes on and to grab a sheet off their beds, and follow him. Unlike a real Drill Sergeant, he does not refer to them as "Maggots".

Wait ... Sheets? Oh Jeebus, I hope this isn’t the dreaded "KKK Challenge": 

Not even Bunim-Murray would go THERE, would they? {{gulp}}… 

Anywhore, Tim parades the designers through Times Square (Red Lobstah, Cheddah Biscuits, etc.) and into the workroom at Parsons. He tells them that the challenge this week will be to create a look out of what they wore to bed and a bed sheet. Thankfully this does not involve white hoods and burning crosses. At least not yet.

Sketch ... sew ... etc.

Tim Gunn visits. First up - Anthony. Tim looks concerned. “I don’t want to sexualize everything”, Tim says (don’t worry Tim, I DO), but Tim’s not feeling the “pubic patch” on the front of Anthony’s skirt. I’m serious – he’s not feeling it at all – in fact, Tim won’t even touch it. Vajayjays made out PJ’s just aren’t Tim’s thing, I guess. 

Tim visits the Puking Clown girl (she was wearing a t-shirt with a puking clown decal on it). “Is that a toilet?”, Tim inquires. He ain’t touching that either, trust me. 

“Talk to me about this top” is what Tim asks Rafael. “Talk to me about this top” was a common phrase amongst the patrons at the Times Square hustler bar I used to hang in back in the day. That was before Red Lobstah came to town. 

Anywhore, Tim notices that Rafael is still wearing his leopard-print headscarf and wonders why he’s not using it in his design. Rafael refuses to take it off, because his hair is a “hot mess”. Question: Do they make a facial hair scarf? Just saying. 

Models arrive and get naked, and Privileged Pretty Girl asks Eurogaysian if he’s “speaking foreign”. Where’s that toilet? I think I need to puke… 

It's 10 pm ("Do You Know Where Your Children Are?"), and the Fashiontestants skedaddle back to the Atlas Shrugged Home For Quirky Fashion People and get some sleep. 

The next day arrives – Runway Day! They have two hours to take their models to the L’Oreal Paris … blah blah blah, you know the drill. 

Well lookie there – Rafael's hot mess hair is now under control so he's no longer wearing the headscarf. And Rafael's hair is LAYED, hunty (WARNING: foul language ahead): 

BTW - the title of this recap (and a bunch of other stuff) won't make any sense unless you peruse this CLASSIC video. It's worth it, trust me.

Okay hunties, it’s time to start the show. Heidi welcomes everyone to the runway and introduces the judges: Michael, Nina, and … Wednesday Addams! 

The models Sashay, Shantay,and Put Some Bass in Their Walks down the runway… 

After the runway show, Heidi announces that Anthony (colorblind pubic patch guy), Rafael (like Rapunzel, bitch – see above), Born This Way Josh, Miss Trinidad & Tobago Anya, Octogenarian Bert and Snowboarder Julie are the tops and the bottoms. The rest of the designers retire to the Interior Illusions lounge to enjoy Absolute cocktails served by the Pit Crew. 

The judges grill the designers about their looks, and here’s how it breaks down: 

They Likee: 

Anthony. Pubic Patches don’t bother Wednesday Addams and Nina Garcia, obvs. 

Anya. The judges rave about her pants. 

Bert. That shizz is fierce! But the way he styled his model made her look a little dated. And by a “little dated”, I’m talking circa 1872. 

No Likee: 

Rafael. He turned his headscarf into a bib-like “Flintstone Disco Patch” (thank you Michael Kors!) – which was just NOT CUTE, hunty. 

Julie. Nina Garcia hated Julie's pants. Michael Kors – who DOES like to sexualize everything (unlike Tim) – noticed that the weird pocket placement was perfect for playing “Pocket Pool”. Alliteration, bitches ... Google it. 

Secret Friend of Dorothy Josh. “This top is terrible!” exclaimed Nina. Which is another phrase that was often bandied about at that Times Square hustler bar I mentioned earlier. 

Commercial Break: Lifetime airs a Weight Watchers commercial featuring a gal who lost 60+ plans. She now smiles so much that it “kinda hurts my cheeks” (see "Times Square bar", above).

Judges discuss, and it’s time for the results: 

Bert. Winner. Immunity. Garment was pretty damn fabulous. 

Anya, Anthony – safe 

Julie – safe. 

This leaves “I Am What I Am” Josh and “Fairy Tale Hair” Rafael. 

And … Rafael is sent home. But at least his hair is LAYED. Yes ma’am.