Project Runway Episode Eight - "En Garde"

Wow! That’s how you sum up last night’s Project Runway episode – Wow! From the twists and turns, to the bitchiness, to the haute couture fashion, to the eventual winner and loser – last night’s episode was a doozy.

In the “morning in Manhattan” opening shot, the fist person we see is SourFace, AKA lemon-sucking Victorya, followed closely by a shirtless Ricky. Ricky is definitely not my first choice for the obligatory shirtless shot, but it’s better than Christian or Chris. Or Sweet P.

Mango/Christian is STILL bitter about the prom challenge, where his client Maddie made mincemeat out of him. He declares he should NOT have been in the bottom two because there was a lot of other fugliness on that runway. True dat.

Half-naked Ricky decides he’s “got a lot of work to do” since he seems to be near the bottom almost every week (he is SUCH a bottom…). I don’t think all the work in the world can keep him in this competition much longer. Maybe if his seamstress Mamacita rolled in and gave him some sewing assistance…

Mango barks: “Alright bitches, let’s go…” and they’re off to the runway to receive their next challenge.

On the runway, Heidi calls for the models – who come out with CRAZY ASS hairstyles! “Oh my stars!” Ricky declares, practically clutching the pearls. Ricky is obviously in a “Southern Belle” state of mind – all he needs now is a lace fan and a mint julep. Don’t get the vapors, girl – it’s only fashion. But trust me readers, this “southern” thing will come up later…

Heidi explains that the designers will be creating conceptual, avante-garde fashion – using the models’ hairstyles for inspiration. Chris is excited – visions of follicle-inspired parade floats no doubt dancing in his head.

They pick models…blah, blah, blah (seriously producers, picking models is BORING)…Sweet P steals model Lee from Mango, who goes back to his old model…apparently old model is fierce again…Ricky wants to “play with Amanda”…Two models go home…

Back to the workroom, where Tim Gunn provides more details about the challenge. The look doesn’t have to be practical, or even very wearable (although it needs to be wearable enough to walk down the runway and back). They have $300, and two days. Oh, and by the way, you bitches are pairing up…based on the names Tim will pull out of that magic velvet bag.

SourFace sucks another lemon, Mango rolls his eyes (seriously, I could predict these reactions in my sleep)…and Tim starts reading names.

Kit and Ricky. Sweet P and Rami. Chris and Mango. SourFace Victorya and Jillian. Tim then informs them they must pick a team leader (also known as the “person who will go home”) for each pair.

Optimistic Mango decides to be the leader of “Team Fierce” (Chris ain’t making that same mistake twice), Kit Pistol will rule over Ricky, and Rami (who is more “avante-garde” than Sweet P) will lead his duo.

Then we get to SourFace (Victorya) and Mumbles McGee (Jillian). Since they have paired up, they BOTH have started talking in that emotionless, Xanax-induced, robotic monotone that Jillian always uses. They are both too smart and/or conniving to volunteer to be the leader – so they literally flip for it. I watched the show TWO TIMES last night, and for the life of me I could not figure out who they decided on to be leader… “mumble, mumble…are you comfortable with that?...mumble, mumble…”. After looking at BravoTV.com this morning, the leader was apparently Jillian.

“Team Fierce” immediately decides ORGANZA! will be their fabric, theme, and battle cry. Nothing says Faggy Fierce like ORGANZA! SourFace and Mumbles (“Team Robot Monotone”) decide to base their design on an “apocalyptic” jacket. I think this bodes well for both teams – they have boiled their idea down to a single, simple idea.

The other two teams, on the other hand, are all over the place. Rami put on his tightest bitchpants this morning, and is getting really snippy with Sweet P. He’s talking about corsets, “hard and soft”, and basically shooting down every idea Sweet P happens to muster – while sketching EXACTLY what he wants to create. You KNOW he’s going to drape SOMETHING – no matter what anyone says. Ricky and Kit ("Team Pistol") discuss aprons, birds nests, and gardens…huh??

Off they go to Mood for fabric…designers run around…ORGANZA!... "Thank you Mood!”.

Back to the workroom. “Team Pistol” discusses their design – Kit wants to make sure it doesn’t look too much like “Little House On the Prairie”, and Ricky decides that “the girl in me, and the bitch in you” are going to have to team up to make this work. Who is this girl who lives inside of Ricky? I wish the bitch could sew – and would stop crying.

“Team Fierce” is in full fledged fashion mode. ORGANZA! Mango declares that “if he was a diva” (if??!) – he would be named “Feroce”, or “Ferosh”, or whatever is short for "Ferocious", I’m assuming. I think Chris’ actual diva drag name is ORGANZA! Chris declares he is building a cell phone tower – based on instructions left by space-alien and former competitor Elisa – so they can contact her planet. ORGANZA!

The members of “Team Robot Monotone” are discussing their “rebellion” theme, and both are worried about their time management issues. I just wish I could tell which one of them was speaking – it’s like watching two ventriloquist dummies, with no ventriloquist.

Rami is talking to Sweet P like she is twelve years old, and is asking if she can “handle” making a simple pair of trousers. He then throws a hissy fit when said trousers aren’t completed in approximately 8 minutes. Sweet P is getting frustrated, and can’t understand why Rami is so far up her ass, when they are so far “ahead of the game”. Rami realizes that, as the team leader, HE is on the line if they screw up. Apparently he takes this as an invitation to be an insufferable fucking bitch.

Ricky and Kit are still discussing/sewing aprons and ruffles…(???)…Day 1 is over.

It’s a new day in the New York City – and Ricky is again in a towel. Seriously producers – ENOUGH! I think I spied Ricky’s thong peaking out from his clam diggers during the Candy challenge, and that was PLENTY of Ricky for me. Stop the insanity.

Sweet P is wondering aloud if she has enough cigarettes to get her through another day of Rami’s bitchiness. I don’t think there is enough tobacco even on Ricky’s southern plantation for that. Oh my stars!

Kit is giving direction to Ricky – who’s feeling strangely confident. “We’re there girl”, he states. Now which girl was he talking to – Kit, or the girl inside of him? I’m confused!

Rami is “consulting” with Sweet P. When I say “consulting”, I really should say – “asking Sweet P what she thinks and then dismissing it”. Sweet P wants a bustle to pump up the drama. Rami’s not biting on the bustle idea.

Tim walks in… “Gather Round” for a special announcement…designers look worried. Tim then drops the bomb: they must create ANOTHER look – a “ready-to-wear” version of their avante guarde design.

HOMOSAYWHAT??!!?? Designers start to contemplate jumping out the windows of the workroom. Mango “wanted to throw up” and “was so pissed” (of course) and Jillian mumbles something about being behind on the FIRST garment, and can’t seem to wrap her mind around how they will get a second look completed. Her teammate SourFace reacts with “horror” and “nausea”…just like she reacted when Sweet P put her arm around her during the last challenge. Ricky thinks this will be a piece of cake for him to get done (it must be that confident girl inside of him talking). Rami is still bitching at Sweet P.

Back to Mood…each has $50 to spend…running around…Mango is “fast” (as opposed to Chris, duh!)…more ORGANZA!...Sweet P gets silver fabric…Thanks again Mood!

Back in the workroom, the models come in for a fitting.

Sweet P isn’t happy with all the crap Rami is doing to his dress, especially after he burst her bustle bubble. It’s basically Rami’s same old draped schmatta – this time with pants underneath. Sweet P decides SHE is going to hook up her little ready-to-wear dress so she doesn’t go home.

“Team Pistol” seems to be happy with their apron/nest/garden/hoopskirt/Scarlett O’Hara-looking creation. Whatevs.

Jillian is pissed that everyone else is on schedule, but she and SourFace are still behind. She knows that SourFace has immunity, so if they come in last, Mumbles McGee is outta here.

“Team Fierce” is trying to get the ORGANZA! creation on their model – “does this hurt?”, Chris asks. Fierce fashion is painful! Mango is so happy with their progress, that he decides to give an impromptu runway lesson – “you got to bring it back girls, from the side, then turn!” he declares, all the while strutting, spinning, snapping, and showing the children how it’s done. Learn it bitches – and LEARN IT WELL! “Team Fierce” is out for blood!

Meanwhile, over at “Team Rami Is A Bitch”, Sweet P is now literally crying. She is so frazzled by Rami’s mania, that the MODEL has to calm her down. I now officially hate Rami with all my heart and soul. THAT should teach him.

Tim Gunn enters AGAIN… “gather round!”…there is a “special guest”. Who could this be? Could it be an actual Couturier? Maybe it’s Valentino! Or Christian Lacroix!!! Oh, it’s just the Tresemme Hair Queen, here to do a “consultation”. Boring. But he DOES inform them that the winners will be featured in a Tresemme ad in Elle magazine.

Tim then does HIS consultations… “How’s Team Fierce?”, he asks Mango and Chris. Tim is GAGGING on all the ORGANZA glamour! He describes it as “staggering” and “stunning”, but the ready-to-wear version worries him a little. Tim REALLY likee.

Tim tells “Team Pistol” that their ribbon/apron/nest is “costume” and needs more “drama”. Tim no likee. Ricky begins praying to the Blessed Virgin Mary, in Spanish. This is going to be good.

Rami and Sweet P’s design is “worrying” Tim. He doesn’t think they’re straying far enough from Rami’s trademark DRAPED GOWN. Sweet P notes that Rami’s sub par design is ALL RAMI, and has nothing to do with The P. She vows to make sure her ready-to-wear dress is strong, so she doesn’t go home. Tim no likee.

“Team Robot Monotone” gets raves from Tim for the Matrix-like coat. Jillian sleepily declares “we are moving as fast as we can” about their un-started ready-to-wear look. SourFace and Mumbles seems to be tolerating each other – but they still have a lot of work to do. Make it work!

It’s now Runway Day! Sweet P has lowered her expectations of her relationship with Rami so low that she just hopes they don’t start fist-fighting. Jillian robotically vows to “move like the speed of light” to get her dress done. Yeah, right. Ricky is having doubts about the ready-to-wear dress he is doing – noting it might be too “simple”. Kit is also nervous because their avante-garde look is somewhat “different” from the others. By “different”, she must mean “not as good”.

And then we have “Team Fierce”. All that ORGANZA! seems to have motivated them this morning. Mango puts on a Brian Boitano-inspired outfit with boots instead of skates. And Big Chris is rocking his fierce faux leopard big boy blouse. “I know we’re going to win”, says Mango – and Chris confirms with an “I smell a Tresemme ad!”. “Team Fierce” is BRINGING IT.

“Team Robot Monotone” has now become “Team Last-Minute” and has finally finished the second look. SourFace and Mumbles pin and pick until the very last minute, when Tim pushes them out of the workroom.

Time for the show. Designer Alberta Ferretti is the guest judge. She is Italian. She is a woman. She is older. If she is divorced, she might cause trouble for Victorya (if you saw last week’s episode, you’ll know what I mean). Racist!

Rami’s “couture” look comes down the runway. Same old draped shit. Sweet P’s ready-to-wear dress is cute.

It’s time for ORGANZA! “ORGANZA ORGASM” is probably more accurate. Even the normally unflappable Nina Garcia was…flapped?? “Team Fierce” has totally lived up to their name. The ready-to-wear outfit was cute, although looked a little “lady in the typing pool” to me. Mango was “ten thousand percent happy.”

“Team Pistol’s” look comes sashaying down the runway. All I could think of was the “Went With The Wind” sketch on the old Carol Burnet Show (WITHOUT the curtain rod). “Miss Scarlett!, Miss Scarlett!, Miss Scarlett!!!!”. “Oh My Stars!”.



"Team Robot Monotone's" Matrix-esque outfit was next. It WAS cool. The ready-to-wear dress was just there – nothing special.

Heidi calls everyone back on the runway. “Team Rami Is A Douchebag” and “Team Pistol” are announced as the lowest two teams…they slink backstage for their eventual judging.

“Team Fierce” and “Team Robot Monotone” have the highest scores. They speak to the judges.

Mango informs the judges that he and Chris used 45 yards of ORGANZA! We then have what I can only describe as a “Lovin’ Moment” – the exact opposite of the “Hatin’ Moment”. Michael Kors describes all that ORGANZA! as “important”, “exciting”, “beautifully crafted”, and “soigné” (which I think is a good thing). Again, this from the man who barks out descriptions like “Paris Hooker!”, “Hootchie Mama!”, and “French Maid At A Funeral!”. Nina Garcia states that this could be a possible magazine cover. Unfuckingbelievable! They LOVE it. Love, love, love it.

They also gush over “Team Robot Monotone’s” punk/equestrian look. They even like the blouse and trousers under the “Matrix Jacket”. Nina loved everything, and Michael declares that women would want to wear this look.

Now for the Lonesome Losers.

Rami and Sweet P’s look was the same old draped Rami dress. Michael Kors bitched about the poorly-made pants – “Her ass is in the front!”. This from the man that practically got misty-eyed describing all that ORGANZA! Sweet P explained that she had wanted a bustle for an “explosion out of her rear”, but Rami decided to go “sans explosion”. The judges don’t appreciate the way Rami blames Sweet P for their problems, when it was Sweet P’s dress that was the better of the two.

The Hatin’ Moment is reserved for “Team Pistol”. The Old Italian Lady REALLY hated it (maybe she thought Victorya made it). The fabric was described as “cheap”, the design was “not avant-garde”, “everything looked amateur”, and the dress looked too much like something Scarlett O’Hara would wear. Michael Kors then notes that “Scarlett ripped the drapes down, but she made a couture dress!”. Now everybody knows Mammy actually turned those green velvet curtains into an outfit. Racist! Heidi bitches about all the wrinkles and the need for a good steaming (she likes to sweat the small stuff). Nina declares that this look would NOT be considered for a photo shoot – under any circumstances. THEY.HATED.IT.

Time for the Results. “Team Fierce” wins! SourFace gives them a fake-ass smile. Mango has immunity next week. Well played bitches!! “Ren and Stimpy” skip off the runway, and Mango dances a celebratory jig. “It was total destiny”, he adds. “Team Fierce” gets to do the photo shoot for the Tresemme ad.

SourFace Victorya and Mumbles McGee Jillian are safe and also leave the runway.

That leaves us with Ricky, Sweet P, Rami, and Kit. I start hoping that THIS will be the week that "Señor Weepy" (Ricky) finally leaves us! Compared to Kit and Rami, he is a much weaker designer, and Sweet P is obviously going to be safe, because her dress was cute.

Heidi announces:

Ricky is...IN. OMG!!! WTF??? KFC!!! ASPCA!!!
Sweet P is...IN.

It’s down to Rami and Kit. As much as Rami was a total asshat, I KNEW he wouldn’t go home when compared to Kit. And sure enough, Kit is sent home. The judges REALLY screwed the pooch on this one.

Kit goes backstage and tries not to cry while saying her goodbyes. She says she doesn’t have any regrets – she “went out big” and made a lot of friends.

But then she says something that is SO true. Kit declares it’s “unfortunate for the COMPETITION that I’m out”. And that is completely accurate – this competition suffers when a designer like Ricky is still in, and the Pistol is sent packing.


Next Week: Jillian seems to go off her mood stabilizers, Ricky cries (natch!), and the designers go on a field trip to some facility run by the Port Authority. If you’ve ever been to the Port Authority bus terminal here in NYC, you know that is probably NOT a good thing.

Till next week bitches!