Project Runway Episode Seven - What A Girl Wants

Last night’s Project Runway featured so many memorable quotes from Mango/Christian that I seriously considered just listing them as my recap. But then Ricky tearfully telephoned his poor immigrant seamstress mother, and it became obvious that a proper recap was necessary.

We open, as always, back in the apartments, where we find a shirtless RAMI, and the rest of the designers (not shirtless, thank God), getting ready for their day. Hey, wait a minute, I thought Kevin was supposed to be shirtless!?! Has the "Shirtless Beefcake" torch been passed AGAIN? We shall she...

On to the runway to get their assignment from Heidi. She tells the designers they will be "creating memories" for this challenge. Hmmmmmm...

Time for the models...and, as in the past, an unknown shape appears behind the shadow screen. When I say "unknown shape", I really mean "something that isn’t one of those skinny bitch models". Anytime the designers have to use non-model-type models, they always panic. Straight boy Kevin thinks they may be working with midgets or "Oompa Loomps". Kevin dear, that’s Oompa LoomPAS - it’s plural. Get your grammar right when dealing with Willy Wonka characters.

The "models" are revealed, and they turn out to be Catholic high school girls from New Jersey. They strut onto the runway accompanied by some PRICELESS music - which I’m sure was called "March of the Midgets", or "The Oompa Loompa Waltz" or some shit. It further emphasized the fact that these were NOT REAL MODELS (we GET IT!). I bet they borrowed that music from an old Bugs Bunny or Road Runner cartoon.

Heidi informs the designers they will be creating prom dresses for these girls. As always, Victorya and Mango put on the stankface. Mango declares: "I think prom is horrible, tacky, and gross". Of course that’s what he says about everything that isn’t "fierce", so it’s hard to judge how upset he really is. And why does Victorya always look like she’s sucking a big sour lemon?

It turns out that the GIRLS have chosen with whom they’d like to work, after perusing the designer’s portfolios. Chris (our resident drag pageant EXTRAVAGANZA designer), can’t imagine what kind of warped high school chick would pick him.

Back to the workroom . Tim gives them 2 days, and $250 for this challenge. The girls come in and meet their designers for the first time. It seems like all of these 16 and 17 year old girls want to look like the proverbial "Hootchie Mama" on prom night, and even the rootin’, tootin’ Kit Pistol says they will have to be more modest than usual when designing for these little angels. But Kevin, who hails from New Jersey, tells us what prom in the Garden State is all about: tanning, stealing booze from your parents, and having sex. After contemplating this, he decides to incorporate a chastity belt into his dress. Awwwww...the designers are feeling parental!

The most priceless moment during this "meet and greet" was when Victorya asks her model/client, Jessica, why she chose to work with Victorya. Jessica, trying to be polite, finally comes out with the truth - she had to choose LAST, and Victorya was the ONLY DESIGNER LEFT. I almost choked on my Diet Coke...Victorya now looked like she just sucked A DOZEN lemons - and a lime. So let me get this straight, the Catholic schoolgirls were perusing through the portfolios, and RICKY, SWEET P, and CHRIS were selected before Victorya? There IS a God.

Then Mango meets his client, Maddie - the most fabulous girl in the galaxy. Maddie informs Sister Christian that she too is a designer, and proceeds to grab his pencil and start sketching on Mango’s pad. I am in love. She tells a horrified Mango that her favorite colors are white, brown and gold. I am in TOTAL love. Mango, with the most annoyed look he has ever mustered, states to Maddie: "you’re killing me". This show is fucking fantastic.

The designers go to Mood to run around feverishly and spend their $250. Straight Kevin has selected a "gorgeous" red silk (natch!) and Sweet P avoids the wedding dress colors her client asked for, and goes for a Champagne-colored charmeuse. "Thank you Mood!"

Back to the workroom. Mango informs everyone that HE was the best dressed at his prom. Chris wants to know if that’s just Mango’s opinion, or "did they take a vote"? Apparently they voted. A photo from Mango’s prom is shown...let’s just say it’s NOT fierce...

And then we come to Ricky. Ricky...Ricky...Ricky. Our hat-wearing, go-go dancing Ricky. What are we going to do with Ricky? You see, while sewing, Ricky starts thinking about his seamstress Moms, and proceeds to give us the details of a sad, immigrant childhood. He gets so choked up that he decides to call up Mamacita - and they chat away in Spanish. He informs her that he’s been working "like a slave". Wait a minute...last week he was wearing a Confederate cap, and today he’s talking about slaves....Racist!!

Just kidding...through his tears he tells us how "creativity wasn’t allowed" growing up, because it "didn’t pay the rent" (apparently go-go dancing DID). Ricky states that winning Project Runway would just be the best.thing.ever. Cue the sympathetic violins...It’s not an episode until Ricky cries. It’s now an official episode.

Day #1 is winding down, and Mango is HATING his design. "It’s so tickety-tack right now". But he decides that no seventeen year old girl is going to "overpower" him. Mango darling, have you looked in the mirror at your little elf body?? A five-year-old could kick your ass sweetie, and you know it.

It’s now Day #2 and the designers re-enter the workroom. Mango greets his dress like he would greet Susie in Accounting - "Good morning dress, how are you today". I was waiting for Mango to ask the dress if it needed anything from the Coffee Shop on the corner.

Lemon-sucking Victorya is having her usual existential crises - she has decided her dress looks like something an "Italian, older, divorcee would wear". She hates Italians! Racist! Victorya decides to make some changes.

Now the models AND their mothers come in for a fitting. Ricky tells Katie how sexy she looks, and the mother protectively barks, "Hey, that’s my daughter!". Note to Katie’s Moms: Ricky ain’t trying to hit that, seriously. She’s cute, but she doesn’t have a penis, so Katie will be fine.

Tizi (Kevin’s client) is trying on her dress, and Tizi’s mother is NOT liking it. Kevin is trying to lie and say that every part of his dress is up to the minute fashion that "just came out". Time for YOU to come out darling...

Sweet P’s dress is looking really pretty. She didn’t cut it nearly as low as Nicole wanted, otherwise her "parents would have her arrested". Good move Sweet P. She has come so close to going home so many times that this time she really wants to win.

Sweet P's design

And then there’s Mango and Maddie. "Mango and Maddie" needs to be a new show on Bravo next season. They can send them to various places, and we can all sit back and watch Maddie TORTURE Mango. Mango and Maddie at the D.M.V...Mango and Maddie at Niagra Falls...Mango and Maddie at Arby’s...the possibilities are endless.

Mango and Maddie

Bottom line: Maddie isn’t thrilled with her prom dress. Mango declares that he’s not a dress maker, "I’m a DESIGNER". Smell her! Note to Mango: never get a job in customer service.

Time for Tim Gunn’s guidance. Tim is concerned over Kevin’s lack of a finished hem. Ok, wait a minute...this is SEASON #4 of this show. It is a KNOWN FACT that if Tim Gunn tells you to do something - DO IT. He even reminds Kevin: "Nina will notice!". Tim is right - Nina can smell FEAR, let alone spot an unfinished hem on the runway. Not a good sign.

Tim is also fearful for Rami, who has created his typical Greek Goddess, draped within an inch of it’s life, serious GOWN. Tim thinks it looks too old for a high school girl. But Rami has immunity, so he couldn’t care less.

Then Tim goes over to Mango, who has pretty much given up and is preparing to go home tomorrow. Mango has HAD IT with Miss Maddie. But Tim tells our fierce little elf to "rally" - the dress isn’t that bad, and it can be fixed. Mango doesn’t look convinced. "Make it work!".

Back at the apartment, Mango tells everyone how much they will miss him after his imminent elimination, with a towel wrapped around his head ("Erika BaDon’t"). Hmmm, where else have I seen someone fierce with a towel wrapped around their head...?

It’s runway day, and the designers have some time with their models/clients before hair & makeup. Maddie is lunging for the BlueFly wall’s collection of shoes, and Mango is trying to keep her still. "Admit it, you love me!", Maddie demands. Mango doesn’t love you my dear, but I certainly do.

The girls walk the runway, and Kit, Jillian, and Chris have cute designs. Heidi declares they are safe. That leaves Sweet P, Kevin, Victorya, Mango, and Ricky.

In a departure from the norm, the judges like only 2 of the 6 remaining - Sweet P and Victorya. Sweet P’s gown is "sophisticated", and "pretty"; and Victorya’s is "chic", "young" and "appropriate".

Kevin is criticized for his "matronly" look, and UNFINISHED HEM (duh!), and Heidi thinks it looks "cheap".

Mango basically blames his client as being too difficult to work with, and Maddie isn’t helping matters by pointed out how different the dress is from what she originally asked for. Maddie, seriously, will you marry me?

In defense of his creation, Ricky declares that "the girl inside me would wear this". Translation: at the next Gay/Lesbian/ Bisexual/Transgender Center’s Prom Dance, Ricky is SO wearing that dress. The judges think it looks sloppy.

Rami is criticized for creating a gown appropriate for, as Heidi says, a "lady at lunch". Our German supermodel was trying to say "a lady who lunches", a socialite who goes to lunch each day instead of having a job. But it’s her show, so who’s going to stop her? We get the point - it looks too old for a teenager. Rami snottily declares that his work is "always sophisticated" (smell her!). He has immunity, so Rami isn’t going anywhere.

Judges judge, and we have the Hatin’ Moment: Michael Kors bellows that Kevin’s dress looks like the girl was going to the "$29.95 Prom!", and Nina dismisses the look as being in "poor taste". Not looking good...

Victorya is declared the winner (damn!), and has immunity next week. Sweet P did well, and came in second. The two of them leave the runway. As they are walking backstage, Sweet P puts her arm around Victorya’s shoulder, and lemon-sucking Victorya looks horrified that this tattooed, non-size-zero woman has actually touched her.

Victorya's Winning Design

Ricky (and the girl inside of him) is safe, Rami is safe (duh - immunity!). The loser will either be Mango or Straight Kevin...

Kevin’s look is described as "seventeen, going on forty", and is sent packing. YOU CAN’T HAVE-A THE MANGO!!!!!!

Kevin's Losing Design

Kevin looks devastated, but vows to put out a line of his own some day. Plus, he’s happy he got a hug from Heidi Klum (because he’s straight, you know) - and "that’s not the worst thing in the world". That may be true Kevin, but it’s not nearly as good as winning Project Runway.