Top Chef Chicago - Episode Five - "He'll Have The Soup"

First of all, I want to say that I’m pissed at Bravo for not showing back-to-back episodes of Top Chef last night – they put Step It Up and Dance between the new episode and the usual repeat. Although I enjoy SIUaD (see my recap of Episode One here), Bravo forced me to stay up WAY too late last night taking notes for this recap. So now I am cranky and tired – thanks a lot Bravo!

With that being said, last night’s episode begins with Antonia and Zoi still bitching about being in the bottom group during the last challenge. Zoi, in particular, is saying they got “jacked”, which must be some kind of lesbian code because I don’t know what it means. But "jacked", in this case, doesn’t sound good – maybe it’s like being “car-jacked”, or “hi-jacked”. I’m just guessing here because I don’t speak lesbianese.

Zoi’s gal Jen is also surprised that Zoi was “on the bottom” – which sounds like a personal matter and is none of our business. Jen says that Zoi is an “incredible chef”, and she’s “a fan” of Zoi’s, which certainly isn’t very romantic.

Time for the Quickfire Challenge. Padma is in the kitchen with Chef Ming Tsai, which immediately makes Lisa perk up. Lisa is “a fan” of Chef Tsai (although I didn’t think she swung that way). Ming is known for his “east meets west” cuisine, which is something that Lisa is apparently good at. Let’s hope she doesn’t get jacked during this challenge, whatever that means.

This week’s Quickfire is the annual “blindfold” taste test. Antonia is psyched, because this is her “favorite”! Top Chef does this every season, and Miss Thang is PREPARED. I bitch almost every week about cheftestants being unprepared (not knowing basic techniques or recipes, etc.) but someone has FINALLY showed some preparation. I’m starting to like our non-lesbian, non-mafia wife, non-douchebag Antonia. I guess you could say I’m a fan (although I DEFINITELY don’t swing that way).

Each chef is given 15 items to taste. For each item there are two samples – one high-end, and one cheap. Here are some highlights…

Ryan didn’t eat breakfast, which can inhibit learning and make you a dumbass. Andrew makes a comment about sucking blind, which I’m sure has something to do with Spike. Stephanie/Rachel Ray almost gagged on crab (it wasn’t Yummo!) – but she incorrectly skeeved the good stuff. Lesbian Lisa is “a little shaky” in the presence of Chef Ming – and is knocking over water bottles. Douchy Dale LOVES caviar, ESPECIALLY the cheap shit. Jen is extremely familiar with pork. And Antonia is ALL OVER this challenge – using a patented multi-finger/water-swishing method to insure victory. Wait, she’s NOT a lesbian, right?!?

In the end, Stephanie gagged, er, CHOKED – and came in last. Ryan and Jen did very well, but Antonia won this Quickfire. See bitches, PREPARATION PAYS! She literally pats herself on the back, and now has immunity.

Padma announces the Elimination Challenge this week: they will be preparing the first course for the annual Meals on Wheels Chicago Celebrity Chef’s Ball. They draw knives and separate into four teams – each team will represent one of the basic elements (fire, earth, water, air). They must use their element as inspiration in creating their dish.

Here are the teams:

Water: Richard, Andrew, Mark
Air: Nikki, Ryan, Jen
Earth: Antonia, Spike, Zoi
Fire: Dale, Lisa, Stephanie

The teams have 15 minutes to plan their menus and the cheftestants begin to brainstorm. Jen thinks Team Airhead should do some kind of bird dish, because birds fly in the air. I just hope they have some better ideas than that. MY “air” dish would revolve around marshmallow fluff. But then again I’m no expert…

Team Fire discusses their options, and Dale reveals his vast stupidity. He suggests a beef tartar dish, which is raw beef that hasn’t been near ANY fire. Then he does some truly ridiculous word association: “Fire?...Devil?...DEVILED EGGS!”. Yeah, nothing say’s FIRE like deviled eggs, you douchebag. Lisa isn’t having it – she is all about impressing Ming the Merciless and thinks they should do something Asian. Asian Dale doesn’t want to do Asian, due to obvious self-esteem issues. All Stephanie cares about is making sure her secret lesbian crush (Lisa) – who has a “strong personality” – gets along with Douchy Dale. Stephanie is one of Lisa’s biggest fans…

Spike and Antonia over at Team Earth are battling over their ideas. Spike is obsessed with Butternut Squash Soup, but Antonia hates the idea. Antonia likes the idea of a Beef Carpaccio dish – she doesn’t think soup will say “quality” – which she’s now the expert on since she won the blindfold taste test. I wonder how she did with the “Pepsi Challenge”?…

Antonia passively-aggressively says that she will make soup if that’s what Zoi and Spike really want – but she thinks it’s a horrible idea. And she has immunity, so she could give a shit. They decide on the carpaccio, but Spike isn’t really convinced. Zoi doesn’t seem to care one way or the other – obviously still upset by the whole “jacking” incident.

Time for shopping at Whole Foods. Each team has $500 and 45 minutes. Richard immediately goes to the fish counter and wants to know what’s fresh. He is all ‘pumped’ about his “fish cooked in water” idea, which sounds like simple poached fish to me. But he has decided to cook salmon in plastic vacuum bags, which Richard states is his “specialty”. I’m pretty sure he has a least a dozen “specialties” – which seems to defeat the purpose of actually having a specialty. But again, I’m no expert…

Team Fire STILL isn’t sure what they’re doing, and Dale and Lisa are progressing towards violence. Lisa is still insisting on Asian, she wants to knock Chef Ming’s ‘pants off’, which makes Stephanie a little jealous. After much debate, they decide on a spicy shrimp dish. Lisa finally gets on board, and Stephanie breathes a sigh of relief.

Spike is wandering around Whole Foods grumbling about Butternut Squash Soup and wanting to strangle Antonia and Zoi. He wonders aloud if they are going to “get screwed for only doing a carpaccio”. We shall soon see, Soup Boy!

All the cheftestants head over to the old Marshall Fields building, where the event will be held. Richard, as always, has appointed himself the Executive Chef of Team Water. Andrew makes a snide comment about this, but it’s a smart strategy for Andrew. He is teamed with Richard – who is a very strong chef – so chances are they might win. If they SUCK however, RICHARD will be responsible and will therefore go home. Andrew isn’t as stupid as he looks (or acts). He’s still a douchebag, but he’s not a dumbass.

Lisa is finally excited about Team Fire’s spicy prawns and bacon dish, and is in charge of the bacon. What’s up with lesbians and pork? Stephanie dreamily states that Lisa has a “nice method” of cooking bacon and I didn’t realize you needed a “method”. Lisa will create a glaze for the bacon which will give it a “gooey, sticky” flavor. This also sounds vaguely lesbianesque, but again I’m not sure.

Team Airhead has decided to do a duck breast salad – and Jen is in charge of the breasts. Natch.

Lisa is starting to turn into Andrew – with every other word out of her mouth being “fuck”. Some highlights: “Fuck me!”; “Motherfucker!”; and “Move your fucking equipment!”. Her method of cooking bacon obviously has a distinct verbal component.

Dale comments about how Lisa is so “negative” and at one point says she’s just being “normal Lisa”, but he might have said “Moana Lisa” – which I like better and will now use. Thanks Dale! Moana Lisa states that she “can be that bitch that everyone hates”. At this point she is WAY past the “can be” phase, and has moved to “IS that bitch that everyone hates”.

Chef Tom does his usual walk-through and discusses the various dishes with the various teams. Richard states the obvious by saying that having a “rapport with Tom is important”. Translation: “I must suck ass in order to win”. This is Richard’s “special method”. He tries joking with Chef Tom about cooking fish, blue aprons, and Jacuzzis, but Colicchio doesn’t even crack a smile. Tom is NOT a fan.

The big gala event begins. Here is judge Gail and her Boobies! Her breasteses will be guest judges #2 and #3. Those hooters are huge!

Normally cocky Richard, after having bombed during his comedy debut with Tom Colicchio, is suddenly nervous. Andrew and Mark keep asking their “Executive Chef” questions, but he suddenly doesn’t have any answers. Quick, get him a gadget! Smoke some African spices! Put something in a bag and boil it! Do something!!!

Andrew has found scales on some of the fish, and smartly asks if Richard if is “comfortable” sending it out. That Andrew is tricky! If they get penalized for scaly fish, Andrew can always say that Richard was comfortable serving it.

Time to eat. Team Water is indeed busted for fish scales. The judges LOVE Team Fire’s spicy shrimp, and Lisa is hitting on a sturdy waitress who’s name is undoubtedly “Loretta”. Padma can’t get enough of Lisa’s gooey bacon – which is a disgusting sentence that should be reworded, but I’m behind schedule as it is.

Team Airhead sends out their “Duck and a Drink”. Tom Colicchio HATES the current trend of sending out “little drinks” with a dish. I too prefer EXTRA LARGE drinks with every course. Tom and I should go to dinner sometime.

Team Earth’s Beef Carpaccio is bland. Very bland. Except for the fact that Gail and her Bazoombas tasted some inappropriate rosemary, it had no “earthy” taste. One of the dinner attendees (or maybe it was one of Gail’s breasts?) states that a member of Team Earth is “going home” tonight. Wow – tough crowd.

The judges do a little judging. They really likee Team Fire’s Spicy Shrimp with Bacon. They no likee the Salmon Scales Supreme, and the Bland Beef Carpaccio. Before the cheftestants leave the kitchen, Lisa burns the Team Fire sign for ‘good luck’, and Dale looks like he would like to set the Moana Lisa on fire.

Back at Top Chef headquarters, the cheftestants go on their usual drinking binge in the Glad storage room. Padma strolls in and asks to see Team Fire. Richard, who is not used to being on the bottom (yeah, right) looks like he wants HIMSELF sealed in a plastic bag and immersed in boiling water.

Team Fire (Stephanie, Dale, and Lisa) is congratulated for being the winning team. But there is a special surprise for our Fiery Trio. The overall winner of this challenge will win a trip for two to Italy! Ming Tsai announces that Moana Lisa is the overall winner, due to her gooey bacon. This pisses Dale off, who exclaims (in a separate interview) – “She made bacon! Are you kidding me!?!”. Now who’s being negative???

Team Water (Richard, Andrew, and Mark) are called in, along with Team Earth (Antonia, Zoi, and Spike). They are the two lowest teams. Gail and her Boobies demand to know who cleaned the fish from Team Water (answer: Richard). She comments about the scales that were left on much of the salmon, and Richard is shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, to hear this news! The judges also rag on the fish’s blah texture, Andrew’s repeated faux caviar, and Mark’s parsnips.

It’s time to get negative with Team Earth. Padma snottily asks Antonia if she tasted their dish with her “excellent palette”. Ouch. Antonia thought it tasted great (but she’s immune, so what does she care!?!). They find out that Zoi was responsible for the rosemary-flavored mushrooms, which apparently were a BIG problem. Global warming is NOTHING compared to Zoi’s mushrooms!

Spike says (again!) that he wanted to do … all together now … a Butternut Squash Soup! Ming says that would have been an EXCELLENT idea. In France, he says, the test for a good cook is “make me a soup”. So Spike now thinks he’s a genius. Great.

Everyone returns to the not-so-Glad room for more cocktails and negativity. Spike is vowing, in front of God and country, to make Butternut Squash Soup next time! We get it dude. Jen is trying to console Zoi, telling her – for the millionth time – that she’s an excellent chef. Someone is needy!

The bottom group is called back in, and we soon learn that Team Earth (Antonia, Zoi, and Spike) had the lowest score – with the judges and the diners. And apparently the main failure of this dish was the nasty mushrooms – which Zoi prepared.

Zoi, please pack your knives and go. She has been jacked one final time.

But that’s not the end. The losers walk back into the storage room, and Zoi says that she is going home. Jen: “What!?! Are you fucking kidding me?!?”. No more sneaky bathroom sex for you!! Jen is NOT happy!

After Zoi exits (to applause), the alcohol-dependent cheftestants continue binge drinking. Spike has suddenly grown a large set of “beer balls”, and starts ragging on Antonia for not letting him make…yes, you guessed it…Butternut Friggin Squash Friggin Soup! Antonia reminds him that she DID say she would do soup, if that’s what they really wanted. “It’s on Film!”, she yells – and I can see this going to Judy Judy or The People's Court.

Jen, who is pissed at Spike because Zoi is gone and Spike is still here, also starts yelling at Spike. She eventually throws a chair. Note: when lesbians start throwing chairs, it is time to go. Nothing good can come of this.

Dale tries to get in on the yelling (he’s grown a teeny tiny set of beer balls), and Lisa tries to get him to stay out of it. He uses this as his opportunity to vent his frustrations at Moana Lisa. Again, now who’s being a Negative Nancy!? He throws a tantrum like a spoiled 6-year-old for NO reason. Note to the little dillweed: your team won!

Things are getting heated, and the two remaining lesbians are ANGRY!. This is seriously what I wrote in my notebook:

There’s gonna be a lesbian SMACKDOWN up in here!!!!

But before you know it, the show ends without a punch… I wanted to see the lesbians beat the shit out of Dale and Spike!!!! This isn’t fair!!!!! We’ll have to wait for the next episode...



Next week: Spike and Mark make a cheap porno in a bubble bath. Ewwwww. Till then bitches!!