Step It Up and Dance - THE RECAP

Yes Dust Bunnies, please don't be disappointed, but this is my "big surprise" - I'm recapping Bravo's Step It Up and Dance this season! Many of you have requested more recaps, and after watching the first episode, I think I can manage to fit this one into my schedule.

Since SIUaD airs on Thursday nights (when I usually work my part-time job), I won't be posting my recap until Sunday or Monday. I'll catch the repeats over the weekend and write my recap afterwards.

You might be wondering why I chose Step It Up and Dance. Well, most of you know how I love the drama. And the gays. And the dramatic gays. And a mirrored dance studio has more dramatic gays than almost anywhere else - besides a workroom full of fashion designers. I hope these dancing queens don't prove me wrong…

The show begins and we meet our first dancer - Miguel. JACKPOT!! Oh honey, in the dictionary under “Dramatic Gay" is this picture of Miguel.

Lord, lord, lord…Bravo's going to make this easy for me. Miguel's specialty is "Jazz Funk". His fugly mug and his horrible outfit are putting ME in a funk.

One-by-one we get to meet more of the dancers. Janelle is an 18-yearl-old white hip hop dancer. James is another dramatic gay, who describes himself (inaccurately) as young and beautiful. Oscar has a Eurotrash accent that he says is "Italian", but sounds more like Southern Albanian by way of Jackson Heights, Queens (the gay section). Nicole is a "Go-Go Dancer" - NOT a stripper (yeah, right). Tovah is an African-American ballet dancer with a Jewish grandmother's name. Adriana Falcon is a skinny Jennifer Beals look-alike with a porn star's name.

We also have our Bravo-patented token straight guy - Nick, who's been dancing since he was a child so he can "meet women". Apparently he hasn't met any yet. Oh, and by the way, he was "inspired" by Kevin Bacon in Footloose - as was I, and every other gay man in the world. Please reference all the Will and Grace episodes featuring Kevin Bacon if you don't believe me. But his straightness is definitely confirmed by his outfit in this picture:



We meet Elizabeth Berkley, the Heidi Klum wannabe hostess of the show. We also meet Jerry Mitchell - the Broadway Choreographer responsible for Hairspray and Legally Blond. He will be acting as the Tim Gunn-style mentor, and tells the dancers he will NOT be one of the people judging them. As a big queen wearing a Fire Island Pines t-shirt, being non-judgmental is probably the hardest thing he's ever done.

The dancers immediately mention Elizabeth's starring role as Nomi Malone in Showgirls, and she gives them a little Nomi move. I must admit, I am the only fag who has never seen Showgirls in its entirety. I know it's supposed to be a "Camp Classic" - and us queens LOVE camp classics. But Showgirls is also EXTREMELY bad. The few times I've had an opportunity to watch it, it's been like watching a train wreck that's SO bad you MUST look away. I can take about 10 minutes, and then I gotta change the channel. Whatever Happened to Baby Jane is a camp classic, Showgirls is just …TRAGIC. Gina Gershon’s facial expressions ALONE make me want to become straight.

Anwhoo, Jerry and Elizabeth tell the dancers to go back to their apartments and get ready because they are all going out that evening. Miguel doesn't care WHERE they go, as long as there's free liquor and I'm starting to like these bitches already…

They hit the club and it's jumping. Jerry and Elizabeth are on the dance floor getting footloose and fancy free. The dancers grab a drink, and then hit the floor and start freestyling. The Asian chick, Mochi, keeps doing the "Running Man", which was popular during the time of MC Hammer. That's all you got girl?!? Then they introduce Michael Silas and time just stops cold. I am in love. Anyone who has seen this blog even a little bit will understand why…

Oh Papi! Michael has toured with Mary J. Blige (I love me some MJB!), Kelly Rowland, and Beyonce. And he looks like most of the “leading men” in my vast porno collection. OMG - he's dancing in Timberland boots! This isn't fair - how in the HELL am I supposed to pay attention to the rest of these people with a fine Papi like this smoldering on my television screen. If he gets voted off, it’ll be worse than the day Arby’s closed…

At one point things take a rather stomach-churning turn. Eurotrash Oscar takes his shirt off, and is grinding on some poor unsuspecting soul. Simple words just can’t convey the grossness . It was bad … really bad … SHOWGIRLS bad.

All of a sudden, the music stops, and Elizabeth tells the “Extras” (the other dancers apparently were just props) they can leave. She informs the dancetestants that their first challenge has already begun…

Jamie King, an accomplish Choreographer and a judge, has been observing them from the balcony. Oscar is looking for a rock to crawl under, because he has just made an ass out of himself with his shirtless bump and grind. Jamie wants to do a little dance-off and separate the dancers into “top” and “bottom” groups. Ain’t that always what a queen wants to do…

Groups of 4 dancers at a time are called to the dance floor. Music is played, and after a few seconds the music changes to another style. Their dancing needs to reflect the changes in the music. The highlights from this are when Gay James decides to push an Ottoman (a footstool, not a Turk) across the dance floor (and Jamie LIKED it!?!). Go-Go Nicole, who decided to wear stripper, er, GO-GO boots, is starting to feel her legs throbbing as a result. Note to dumbass Nicole: they told you that you were going out DANCING. This is a DANCE competition. Why in the hell would you wear boots that you couldn’t DANCE in?

Papi Michael was great – and is sent to the “top” group and I’m going to have to find that DVD with the Puerto Rican Bike Messengers looking for the ‘lost package’… Is it just me, or is it HOT in here?!?

Anywhoo - The top and bottom groups are finally determined – but Jamie wants to see one last thing. He calls out Adriana – who’s in the top group – and Jessica – who’s in the bottom group. After a mini-dance off, he switches them: Jessica is now on top, and Adriana is now on the bottom. Some bitches just can’t make up their minds.

It is explained that one of the members of the “A” (top) group will get immunity, and one of the members of the “B” (bottom) group will be going home. They leave the club and head back to the apartments.

Back home, blond Jessica asks everyone about their dance experience, and quickly finds out that she’s the ONLY one who hasn’t danced professionally. Cody has danced in a few Broadway shows, Mochi is currently in the Lion King, etc… Jessica is intimidated by her competition’s vast experience.

James and Miguel – the Gay Wondertwins – are lying in a bed and talking shit about the other dancers. One of them even says something about my Papi Michael. Note to James and Miguel: I WILL cut a bitch. They call each other “sisters”, and refer to themselves as the “Mean Girls”. It is obvious they are totally overcompensating for years of gay insecurity by being bitchy, sarcastic, and judgmental. I’m so glad I don’t do that…

The next day rolls around (note to producers, I suggest a shirtless shot of Michael sipping coffee and gazing out the window next week) and they go to the rehearsal studio. They are introduced to Nick and RJ – two prominent Choreographers who have worked with the Spice Girls. At first that doesn’t seem like a big deal to me – but getting that robot Posh Spice (Victoria Beckham) to bust a move CAN’T be easy. Each group (A and B) will get 1 ½ hours to learn a short dance routine.

The A team goes first, and Jessica (who was switched with Adriana to get to the “elite” team) is screwing up royally. She is poking bitches in the eyes, missing her cues, and generally stinking up the joint. In an interview (away from the dance studio), she tearfully tells us how proud she is of being in the top group, even though she is intimidated by her competition. Don’t worry sweetie, you won’t be there long…

Time for the B team. Go Go Nicole’s leg is now black and blue (dumbass!), and she isn’t able to give it her all. Choreographer RJ asks if anyone in the group knows how to tumble – Cody says “I’ll Tumble 4 Ya!” (sorry, the Culture Club fan in me just HAD to). Cody, being a Broadway veteran, is surprised to be in the bottom group. But he also says it’s like running from a bear – you don’t have to win, you just can’t come in last. I didn’t realize Broadway dancers could be so wise.

Adriana is messing up big-time and Tovah's not lighting any fires with HER performance. Oscar isn’t impressing anybody either, saying the choreographers don’t “click” with his ballet background. No darling, you suck, it's THAT simple…

After the routine is over, Go Go Nicole decides to go to the hospital to get her leg checked out. The rest of Team Loser is freaking because it screws up the choreography – and everyone talks about how dancers often perform while injured. Jerry Mitchell tells them that “the show must go on!”. So basically, there is NO sympathy for our Stripper. This is a tough crowd!

Both teams are called back to the main stage for a surprise announcement! Not only will the dancetestants have to do the routine, they will each take a turn freestyling at the end. They are told they must “sell themselves”. It’s a shame Go Go Nicole is in the hospital, “selling herself” probably isn’t a problem for her – one dollar at a time.

Speaking of Nicole – she finally returns from the hospital and informs everyone she must drop out. Miguel responds (in his Latino gay valley girl accent): “That’s CRAY-zie”. Translation: “C-YA chica, wouldn’t wanna B-YA!!”. Nicole is go-going home…

It’s time for the “Callback Performance” and we are introduced to the judges. Choreographer Vincent Paterson (who has worked with Madonna), Nancy O’Meara (who is currently working with Hanna Montana), and special Guest Judge…Scary Spice herself – Mel B., who looks adorable and happy to be away from babydaddy Eddie Murphy.

Janelle, the white hip hopper, is VERY excited to see Mel B. because she’s been a Spice Girls fan “forever”. She’s only 18 years old, so that’s conceivable. There is one last announcement: even with Nicole leaving due to health reasons, SOMEONE from Team B will go home tonight, and the winner from Team A will have immunity next week.

Team A performs. Or at least I think they do, because Michael is dancing and I can’t take my eyes off him. I am forced to look away only when I see “No Experience Jessica” running OFF THE STAGE in the middle of the routine! In a voiceover, she hysterically says “all of a sudden, everybody’s moving real fast” (it’s called DANCING, you dumbass!), and she got overwhelmed. StraightNick snaps her out of it by practically throwing her back onstage. And Miss Miguel is PISSED because Jessica was his partner and he had to improvise without her.

After their performance, they line up for the judges to get their “notes”. Jessica is crying and I can’t believe she got switched into the A Team. Neither can Elizabeth – she informs Jessica that had she been in the Elimination group, Jessica would be going home. Needless to say, this doesn’t help Miss Thang's hysterics.

Judge Vincent Paterson warns the other two gals (Mochi and Janelle) not to dance like “angry men”, although the angry-man-dancing doesn’t bother Jamie. Jamie liked their “Hootspah” – which sounds like something a Jewish owl would say.

But my fave comment of the night came from judge Nancy. She told Miguel he had to “butch it up”. “I don’t care if you like girls, boys, giraffes or monkeys”, she says, but he needs to “man up”.

“Did I look like a fag?”, Manuel asks, much like the Pope might ask: “Did I look Catholic?”. “Yes”, Nancy answers flatly. For someone working with Miley Cyrus, this bitch has balls. Me likee Nasty Nancy!

Then my Papi Michael, who has been standing silently, asks for some feedback from the judges. I have some feedback for you baby: move to Manhattan and make babies with me! Goodness, it IS hot in here!! Jamie tells Michael that he’s good, but needs to be GREAT. Careful Jamie – I WILL cut a bitch!

It is determined that Janelle (even though she danced like an angry man) and Gay James are the top two. Nasty Nancy really liked James – saying “he could sell me a sneaker full of poop”. Okay, maybe I DON’T like Nancy after all. After more discussion, It is decided that Janelle is the winner, and has immunity next week. They are told to “exit stage right”, which is almost as good as Top Chef’s “utensils down, hands up!”.

It’s time for the Elimination Group (Team B). Before the music starts, they all look horrified – but the routine isn’t bad. At least no one runs offstage.

Team Loser lines up for the firing squad. Mel B. wants a piece of Cute Cody – and pretty much invites him back to her hotel room. Elizabeth calls StraightNick a “handsome guy”, and I start to wonder if she’s stumbled upon Paula Abdul’s pharmacist.

Adriana, Oscar, and Tovah are the bottom three. Vincent Paterson yells at Oscar: “I don’t know what you were trying to do, except it looked like you couldn’t dance!”. He tells Adriana that she messed up a lot, and needs to learn how to cover up her mistakes. Tovah is called “too passive”, to which she replies that hip hop isn’t her specialty. Mel B. gets racial and screams – “you’re black, come on!”. Nancy comments that she wouldn’t be disappointed if ANY of these three losers went home and I’m liking her again.

After more judgementalism, it is announced that Oscar is safe. “You Guys!!!” he joyfully exclaims, but with his accent sound like “You Gays!!”. Either one works in this case.

Adriana and Tovah are left on the firing line. Finally, Elizabeth utters the words: “Adriana, the show’s over – time for your last dance”, which is even better than “pack your knives and go”. Then they make the poor loser dance alone in the studio, complete with somber mood lighting. Buh-bye Adriana!

Next (and every) week: Gay Drama! Till then bitches!!