Last week on SIUaD, the dancetestants did Pimp/Ho dance routines. Gay James got sent home for not being Pimpalicious, and Oscar won the challenge and got immunity. Read my recap here.
This week’s episode opens with Miguel bitching about losing his “sister” James - and hatin’ on some of the remaining dancers. Of course he singles out Sexy Papi Michael. I seriously would LOVE to know why Miguel has such a problem with “nice guy” Mike. Remind me to ask Miguel that question AFTER I cut him…
Then the Bravo producers ‘throw me a bone’ (so to speak), by giving me a shirtless shot of Sexy Papi Michael ironing his t-shirt. Laundry never looked so good!
Elizabeth Berkely arrives at the dancer apartment bearing coffee and muffins. Sexy Papi Michael - sporting his freshly-pressed T-shirt - asks Elizabeth her thoughts on the performances thus far. Elizabeth gets verklempt - saying she sometimes wants to cry while watching them perform - and then starts actually crying. What a coincidence, I sometimes cry while watching HER. Elizabeth says she “knows what it takes” - because, although not a dancer herself, she DID play a dancer in a movie once. The whole scene is every bit as awkward as the acting on Showgirls.
Elizabeth tells them to get ready for “the streets”. Being a New Yorker, I’m wondering if that means they will be doing rhythmic panhandling, or teaching homeless people how to tango. But unfortunately Elizabeth doesn’t go into detail.
Everyone heads over to the Step It Up and Dance Studio - and mentor Jerry Mitchell is there with this week’s guest choreographer - Dave Scott. Sexy Papi Michael immediately recognizes Mr. Scott as the choreographer from Stomp The Yard, and You Got Served. Apparently this is a GOOD thing…
They are told that this week’s challenge will be a “Street Battle”. Dave Scott and Rob Hoffman, star of the upcoming movie Step Up 2 - The Streets, demonstrate how to battle via “the dance”.
Some of the dancetestants reveal their thoughts on this whole “battle” theme. Nick, who grew up in the suburbs of Houston, has never seen street crews battling before. Janelle is hating on guest judge (and CUTE white boy) Rob Hoffman, because she ALSO auditioned for Step Up 2, but didn’t get the part. Tovah (our African-American ballerina) is nervous, saying that when she does hip hop it looks forced and fake. She will have to keep in mind the wise words of Scary Spice during the first challenge: “You’re Black!!!!”.
After the demonstration, Jerry informs the dancers they will learn a short routine and will also have to do a short freestyle. Dave will pick his top three, who will serve as dance crew “Captains”.
We get the usual dancer moans and groans. Nick and Mochi bitch about the choreography being “too fast” - I guess they’re still waiting for the “waltz” challenge. Jessica is lamenting her lack of hip-hopitude. Oscar doesn’t like the hip hop genre either - it is “ground”, and he likes “to jump” in the air like a gay gazelle (“gayzelle”?).
On the other hand, Canadian Cody is doing well - with Michael noting that “Ballet Boy“ has some break dancing moves. Janelle is excelling at the choreography, although Miguel describes her dance style as “White Girl at the Club”. I want to know when was the last time Miguel was in a club with ANY (real) women? Finally, Sexy Papi Michael is dancing in Timberland boots and sweatpants and I could watch those sweatpants for hours…
It’s time to pick the “Crew Captains” based on their performance. Dave Scott picks Janelle, Cody, and Miguel - upsetting Sexy Papi Michael. Each captain picks their crew - and this is what we get:
Team PapiSweatpants: Janelle/Sexy Papi Michael/Tovah
Team WhiteRiceEggrollOnSide: Cody/Jessica/Mochi
Team NotCuteAtAll: Miguel, Nick, Oscar (who gets picked last due to his “non-grounded” dancing and immunity).
Jerry informs the dancetestants that they will be competing tonight, and will have to come up with two routines and also freestyle for their “battles”.
Team PapiSweatpants goes first. They are “clowning” (making fun of) their competitors during their routine. They spoof Jessica running off stage during the first challenge. They make fun of short Asian Mochi (which seemed a little racist - but at least they didn‘t give themselves “slanty eyes” like Pat Robertson).
TeamPapiSweatpants also did a move called the “curtain pull’, which Jerry Mitchell playfully claims they stole from Legally Blond (his current Broadway musical). His only advice to the team: “make it tight”. He’s like a wise, gay Yoda…
Waiting to rehearse, the two other teams are trying to come up with names. Team Cody is the “blue” team, and is trying to think of “blue” names. Annoying Jessica is chewing gum like she’s in Middle School, and suggesting girly names like “Bright Blue” and “Blue Babies”. I’m waiting for Smurf-inspired names to follow. Note to Jessica - this is supposed to be a street battle, not your 8th grade talent show. They finally settle on “Breaking Blue”.
Miguel, Nick and Oscar are the “black” team, and are concentrating on picking a name that doesn’t sound racist. They come up with “BT Slam”, which I think I ordered the last time I was at Denny’s. Mmmmm …… bacon and toast!
Janelle, Michael and Tovah decide on the name “Everest” - which is tall, intimidating, and hard to climb. Hmmmm, where ELSE did I see something this week that was large and intimidating?….
The “Breaking Blue” team dances next. And although Cody cutely reminds everyone: “I’ve never done a street battle, I’m from Canada”, he IS familiar with many of the moves. It turns out that Cody’s mom owned the local dance school while he was growing up, and encouraged Cody to take all different forms of dance. Mama even formed a little Canadian white bread break dancing crew. I can just picture them “battling” all those tough crews from Manitoba and Saskatchewan. Life on the streets is hard - even in Canada. So Cody has decided to dedicate his performance to his mother - and go Canadian “old-school” on they asses!. Yes, I said “THEY asses” - that’s how one speaks when one happens to be on the streets. In Canada.
During Breaking Blue’s rehearsal, Cody does great, Mochi does OK, and Jessica looks HORRIBLE. Jerry no likee, and gives them the totally ineffective advice “you better work”…which is less like Yoda, and more like RuPaul.
BT Slam rehearses last and I‘m getting hungry for pancakes. Miguel is very happy with the “mix” of the team: eccentric Mexican gay man (Miguel), off-the wall Italian diva (Oscar), and the All-American hick (Nick). Miguel says they will use their sense of humor and have a good time.
During the rehearsal, Nick utters my favorite dance instructions EVER: “ …5, 6 … and then pee on ‘em …7, 8 …”. Last week we had an “Apache Dance”, and this week we’re getting a “Pis …” …never mind. I’m not sure everyone is going to “get” their sense of humor.
Jerry seems to likee their routine - squealing “that’s nasty!” (he is SO into water sports!). But then the only advice he gives is for Miguel to wear his cap - because the cap gives the performance “flavor”. Okay, this advice is less like Yoda, less like Rupaul, and more like a Jenny Jones makeover show. He also tells them that everyone will meet at “the special location” in 15 minutes.
The “special location”, it turns out, looks like the set of Michael Jackson’s Beat It video - a graffiti-filled “warehouse” probably also known as “Studio 18-B” at the Universal lot. As they enter the faux-gritty room, they notice a crowd and the judges - this battle will take place in front of an audience.
Elizabeth introduces the judges. Creepy middle-aged guy Vincent Paterson - trying to “keep it real” in a hoodie (and a sport jacket, natch), Nancy “Oh Meany” O’Meara, and the guest judges Dave Scott and Rob Hoffman. It is announced that there will be 2 elimination teams, and one winning team.
First up, Red Everest (Janelle, Michael, Tovah) goes up against BT Slam (Miguel, Nick, Oscar). Sexy Papi Michael and the gang TOTALLY gets in Miguel’s fugly face - doing gay air snaps and vogue moves. Miguel’s snippy response “oh shut up!”. “The Streets” STILL haven’t toughened Miguel up.
BT Slam comes out with a lot of crotch grabbing, - but not much else happens except that Miguel’s “flavorful” hat flies off. In their “head-to-head” freestyle battles, Tovah looks seriously convincing as a tough street bitch, Oscar does some ballerina twirls (what street is that from?: Christopher Street? Castro Street?). Janelle counters with fierce twirls of her own, before falling onto the floor into a full split. And Miguel looks like he is still auditioning for Madonna’s Vogue video, even though it was cast in 1990.
The crowd judges Red Everest to be the winner of the first round.
It is now time for Breaking Blue (Cody, Mochi, and Jessica) to battle BT Slam. Cody does great, Jessica tries (and fails) to do “the worm”, Oscar continued to perform the second act of Swan Lake, and Nick’s best move is giving the other team “the finger”. Breaking Blue wins, and BT Slam is eligible for elimination.
Red Everest and Breaking Blue are doing the final battle to determine the winner. Janelle shows off her vast hip hop skills. Mochi LOOKED like she was from the streets - but didn’t dance that way. Cody really went for it - and for the most part succeeded. Jessica was AWFUL, and looked like she was also doing Swan Lake - with a broken wing.
But the move of the night came from Sexy Papi Michael. In the heat of the “battle”, he goes up to the other team and does a move that can only be described as “pretending to whip it out and pee on his competition”. More water sports - Jerry must be thrilled! Actually, based on Sexy Papi Michaels nude photos, it would be more accurate to say “hauling that big-boy out and hosing down the losers”! O.M.F.G.
The Big Hose (and Ho’s) of Red Everest win the challenge! Back at the Step It Up and Dance main stage, Sexy Papi Michael, Janelle and Tovah line up. The judges thought Tovah looked authentic (she remembered what Scary Spice told her), and all in all it was a great team effort.
The judges are deadlocked between Sexy Papi Michael and Janelle as the winner. Nancy called Michael a “filthy scoundrel”, and you could tell the next time she wanted to see the REAL hose. Vincent compliments Michael saying it was “nice to see your body sing”. Wait … what? … How much of Michael's body did that old queen see?!? Someone get my knife!!!
Janelle is the overall winner - for a combination of great moves and leadership ability. Papi Michael is bummed, but says he is still the champ in his own mind. And also in mine Baby - don’t you ever forget that. Janelle now has immunity for the next challenge.
The six losers line up on stage - and Cody, Miguel, and Oscar (with immunity) are quickly announced to be safe. That leaves Nick, Jessica, and Mochi still onstage - one of them will be going home.
The judges note that Nick kept holding back - he would start something, but then wouldn’t “pull the trigger”. “Shoot me next time”, Nancy says - obviously stealing Vincent’s line. Also, Nick’s only memorable moment was giving the other team the finger.
They also note that Mochi didn’t really stand out, except for her authentic appearance. And Jessica not only lacked hip-hop skills, she didn’t demonstrate basic technical dance skills.
Hard-looking, soft-dancing Mochi is safe and she leaves the stage. That leaves us with Nick and his middle finger, and Messica, er, Jessica.
Jessica, the show is over. It’s time for your last dance. Unsurprisingly, she cries.
Backstage, Sexy Papi Michael gives her a big hug and tells her that she’s an “amazing dancer”. I think he forgot the word “bad” in between “amazing” and “dancer” - but Michael is WAY to nice to be evil like me.
But even MORE evil is Miguel, who says: “I don’t know Jessica enough to say I’ll miss her, but at least I know I won’t get left onstage again”. Ouch.
Next week - STOMP!. Till then bitches!!