Thursday, April 24, 2008

Top Chef Chicago - Episode Seven - "Lesbians Aren't Funny"


Last episode – Jen vows to win Top Chef for her dearly departed lesbian love Zoi, and “metrosexual” Ryan was sent home for having a bad tail…gate. Read my recap here.

Episode Seven opens with a lovely shot of Andrew putting on his socks – which is just WRONG. Andrew comments on how the house got “a lot uglier” now that “pretty boy Ryan” has gone (and a lot stinkier since he removed those socks). Ever since Andrew’s first boyfriend, Spike, hooked up with Mark in the hot tub, Andrew has been bitter, lonely, and horny.

Jen has vowed, once AGAIN, to … all together now … “do this for Zoi” … WE GOT IT!! Seriously, Jen is ALSO horny and wishing she had some of her lady’s lovin’ right about now and I think they should rename this show the House of Homos.

The Quickfire challenge is pretty straightforward – make a dessert. The Guest Judge this week is also pretty – his name is Johnny Iuzzini, Johnny is a renown Pastry Chef, and has written the book called Dessert Fourplay. Mmmmm…. tastes like chicken!


Johnny is REALLY cute…but he’s one of those cute guys who shouldn’t speak. He has a very slight Rudy Giuliani-esque speech impediment – further reason why he should simply stand there and look pretty. I hate it when cute guys pretend to have “ideas” and “thoughts” in their “brains”. Meanwhile, Padma looks like she just ordered Johnny for HER dessert…which would look something like this…


Speaking of Padma, she mentions that in season’s past, desserts have been a weak spot for the cheftestants. She then plugs Top Chef – The Cookbook which features recipes from the first 3 seasons of the show. The winner of this Quickfire challenge will be the only cheftestant from Season Four included in the book. By the way, Top Chef – The Cookbook is currently 34% off on Amazon.com. Seriously – it’s THAT good. Who WOULDN’T want a recipe for one of Marcel’s foams?...

We get all the usual “none of us are trained Pastry Chefs” disclaimers, and I start to do my usual – “why didn’t these idiots prepare” rant. Lesbian Lisa HATES to bake, because is requires all kinds of precise “measuring”, intricate “recipes”, and exact “ingredients”. Lisa prefers to throw some shit in a pot and see what happens.

Lesbian Jen is going all “Rain Man” while trying to remember her dessert recipe. “Two hundred …must be two hundred … yeah, definitely two hundred … gotta be two hundred … yeah … definitely … Quantus never crashed”... Jen is going to need some sex SOON.

Dale knows exactly ONE dessert recipe – and that’s what he’s doing. It’s a Filipino “Halo-Halo” dessert he had as a child – which is basically flavored crushed ice. Note to Dale: in the United States, that’s called a “Sno-Cone”. Spike has decided to show that he “has balls” (and according to Mark, they’re quite nice) by doing the feared evil “Soufflé”. Oooooh….scary!!

Richard – who (inaccurately) describes himself as “very tongue in cheek” and “witty” has decided to do bananas as faux sea scallops – with guacamole and chocolate. Which, of course, sounds disgusting but will probably win because Richard ALWAYS wins.

Chef Iuzzini announces his not-so-favorites – but his slight lisp (and cute appearance) is reminding me a little too much of Sylvester – the cartoon cat. I’m just wondering if Johnny has a “Suffering Succotash” dessert in his book.



Anywhoo – Sylvester, er, Johnny no likee:

Antonia’s Lemon Curd Brulé. Never use ingredients that rhyme with the word “turd”.

Spike’s Ballsy Soufflé. His “balls” aren’t THAT impressive.

Mark’s ‘Nibbly Bits’ of Pavlova.


Cute Johnny likee:

Dale’s Sno-Cone. Seriously?

Lisa’s Summer Wontons and Yogurt.

Richard’s Banana “Scallops” with Guacamole & Chocolate. Natch. Padma calls it “strange and delicious” and he is SO going to win.


Unsurprisingly, Richard wins. He has immunity and will be featured in the Top Chef Cookbook. And he will be 34% off…

Padma informs everyone they will find out about their Elimination Challenge later, in the meantime they should return home and prepare to go out. Tonight they are going to Second City – the famous birthplace of “Improv” comedy.

The “House of Homos” goes into full ‘primp and pretty’ mode. The cameraman walks in on Spike and Mark half naked, Richard is wearing pink, and Jen is making her shark-fin fauxhawk EXTRA stiff.

The cheftestants enjoy the comedy show – and the performers start asking the audience to call out various colors, emotions, and food ingredients. The chefs soon realize that these drunken responses will determine their Elimination Challenge. One of the performers confirms that the cheftestants will indeed be creating a five-course meal based on random shit drunk people yell out at the show. They will have to IMPROVISE (get it?). The always upbeat and positive Lisa decides “we’re fucked”.

Back at the Top Chef House, the cheftestants have to pair up and select courses – no pulling knives, etc…they have to do this on their own. Spike and Andrew gaze at each other across the crowded room, and suddenly their love is back. Horny Jen pairs up with bi-curious Stephanie, calling her a “doll” and a “sweetheart”. Jen is GETTING SOME tonight! Dale wants to continue riding the winning Richard bandwagon – so they also pair up again.

Here are the pairings, and their “inspirations”.

Course #1 – Spike and Andrew – “Yellow, Love, Vanilla”
Course #2 – Jen and Stephanie – “Orange, Turned-On, Asparagus”
Course #3 – Richard and Dale – “Green, Perplexed, Tofu”
Course #4 – Antonia and Lisa – “Magenta, Drunk, Polish Sausage”
Course #5 – Mark and Nikki – “Purple, Depressed, Bacon”

This is going to be interesting…

Off to Whole Foods they go for shopping. Jen and Stephanie decide on a sex theme (JEN IS HORNY!!) – so they’re buying “logs” of cheese and phallic asparagus. With Lesbian Jen running the show, I would have assumed they would go with oysters or red snapper…

Richard is taking this whole “comedy” thing a little too literally (after all, he is “witty”) and starts to do an AWFUL Seinfeld impersonation. I must have missed the episode where Jerry and George decided to grill Tofu after marinating in beef fat. I can picture Kramer spitting it out and screaming – “THIS ISN’T BEEF!”. Now THAT would be funny…

Antonia and Lisa’s “ingredient” is Polish Sausage. Antonia and Lisa decide to do “Chilean Sea Bass”. I don’t know why either…

Then we come to the newly reunited couple – Spike and Andrew. It is very fitting that their “emotion” is LOVE. Because there is much love in the air between these two douchebags. Spike is FINALLY going to be able to do friggin’ SQUASH SOUP! See my recap of Episode 5 – “He’ll Have The Soup” here to refresh your memory of the importance of soup in Spike’s life.

Back at the Top Chef kitchen, they notice a dining table has been set up to serve the comedians and judges. They have 3 hours to “get er done!”.

Spike and Andrew are practically smearing squash all over each other’s bodies. They are just so happy to be together, and in love, and making soup. Spike decides (all on his own) that a perfect soup is really the true mark of a good chef. Except he DIDN’T come up with that on his own – Chef Ming Tsai told him that during Episode 5!...

Antonia declares that she will “vomit in her mouth” if Spike wins with his soup – especially since SHE was the one who vetoed his soup idea two challenges ago. If I hear Spike say “soup” one more time, I will ALSO die of barfness.

Then we get a twist…there is no electrical equipment! The cheftestants have to do everything by hand! They have to IMPROVISE! The guys keep repeating the names of the missing appliances, and each one sounds like something Dr. Suess wrote about in “How The Grinch Stole Christmas!”. “There are no Jing Tinglers, we have no Flu Floopers…they’ve taken the Tar Tinkers and even the Blum Bloopers!!”. Everyone gets a chuckle because Spike and Andrew are doing soup, and everyone knows it’s REALLY hard to make soup without an electric Jing Tingler…

Andrew states that he doesn’t need a Jing Tingler, er, BLENDER to make a “banging soup” – he will “improvise”. Besides, he adds, pureeing squash through a hand-ricer somehow equals “love” in Andrew’s book. Remind me NOT to watch him and Spike have sex…

Andrew to Spike: “You really know how to work a sack dude”! Those two are SO going to do it when this is over.

Jen and Stephanie have decided on a “ménage a tois” of orange, asparagus, and goat cheese – and are really running with the sexual theme of the dish. Personally, I would NEVER let a lesbian arrange a ménage a tois – they are more couple-oriented (Joke: What does a lesbian bring on a second date? Answer: A U-Haul). I always thought a lesbian ménage a tois was a female couple and their pet cat.

OMG – another twist! Chef Tom comes into the Top Chef kitchen and informs everyone they will actually be cooking/serving at the Top Chef House! They have 20 minutes to pack up everything in Glad wrap, Glad ware, and other Glad products – and move to their house. The dining table in the Top Chef kitchen was just a decoy! They will have to IMPROVISE!! This is getting old…

They get to the house, and everybody makes a “too many cooks in the kitchen” comment…because the kitchen is small (duh!). Spike is making “love” to his soup…tasting, adding salt, tasting, adding stock. Some call this “layering flavors”, but he and Andrew call it “foreplay”.

The judges and Second City performers arrive, and it’s time for service.

Andrew and Spike show their “Vanilla Love” and serve their squash soup with crème fraiche. I am HOPING AND PRAYING that Tom Colicchio throws one of his hissy fits about some inappropriate flavor – but everybody really LIKEE. Padma wants to lick her bowl clean – and Antonia vomits a little bit in her mouth, as promised.

Next up is Lesbian Jen, and wannabe Lesbian Stephanie. They are using bread, oranges, goat cheese and asparagus to represent sex. Lesbians are strange. They do an unfunny, and unsexy presentation about logs, etc. that doesn’t “turn on” any of the dinner guests. This “ménage a tois” does NOT go well.

We have Richard and Dale’s Green Perplexed Tofu steaks next. Chef Tom comments that if he was a cheftestant and had to utilize Tofu, he would have been “bummed”. But they all REALLY likee this “perplexing” dish.

Antonia and Lisa present their “Magenta Drunk Polish Sausage” dish. It consists of Sea Bass, Chorizo, and some other stuff that isn’t magenta. To satisfy the “drunk” requirement, the two of them do a tequila shot at the end of their presentation, but don’t offer any to the dinner guests. Um, ladies?... Comics and Chefs tend to be heavy drinkers – you might not want to deny them liquor before having them judge your dish. In fact, Tom decides they didn’t “carry out the drunkenness of the dish” – which is code for “bitches be drinking all up in my face and not sharing!”.

Finally Mark and Nikki do an immediately forgettable dish which doesn’t end up in the top or the bottom so let’s immediately forget about it.

After the commercial break, everyone has gathered in the Not-So-Glad Storage Room, and Padma calls for Dale, Richard, Spike and Andrew. They are the top two teams.

Douchy Dale is rocking his manly teal headband, and commenting about how THIS TIME Richard let him “drive” (I bet that was a “short” drive). Is EVERYONE banging at Homo House?

Spike comments on how his mother once told him that the best test of a chef was whether or not they could make a good soup. No douchebag, that was Chef Ming Tsai, and it was two episodes ago! Gay Judge Ted swoons at this idea, saying love = soup = mom. Us gay boys LOVE our Mamas (and soup)!

Chef Tom continues the Andrew/Spike love affair by saying the soup was the best seasoned dish so far this season. Antonia is vomiting back in the Not-So-Glad room, and doesn’t even know why.

But all the love in the world isn’t going to thwart Richard and Dale’s tricked-out Tofu, and they are declared the winning team. Padma announces that they will each receive $2500 worth of Calphalon kitchen equipment. I wonder how many Jing Tinglers you can buy with $2500?...

Antonia, Lisa, Jen and Stephanie are called in for judging. They are the two LEAST favorite teams.

Chef Tom acknowledges that at this point in the competition, everyone is pretty talented – so the judges have to get nit picky. Let the nitting and picking begin…

First of all, Antonia and Lisa immediately defend their lack of Polish Sausage in their Polish Sausage dish: Polish Sausage is nasty and packed in plastic. So they used Sea Bass and Chorizo – natch. Cutie Chef Johnny suggests they should have cooked Polish Sausage in beer to do “Drunken Polish Sausage”. Even the dumb gorgeous ones come up with a decent idea every once in a while. Lisa and Antonia are pissed because they are being called on what they describe as a “technicality” – but what I would call “ignoring the instructions”.

The judges tell Stephanie and Jen that their “ménage a tois” was much more like a messy orgy – and Chef Tom tries to calm the stiffie that’s rising under the Judges table. Jen tries to explain that the asparagus was supposed to be phallic – which none of the judges recognized (even the gay one). Considering that Jen is a lesbian, and has had little access to phallic examples – she should have stuck to what she knows. Hence, my suggestion of Red Snapper…

Cutie Chef Johnny says the “ménage” lacked finesse…or, as he said, “finethe”. He also said they used too much goat “cheeth”. Keep your cute mouth shut!!! He apparently also thought the asparaguth thould have been more erect…waitWHAT?!?.

They announce that Jen and Stephanie’s dish was their least favorite, and Jen is asked to pack her knives and go back to Zoi’s arms in San Francisco. Jen is choked up, defends her dish a little, and thanks the judges. Back in the Not-So-Glad room, she hugs her “brother” Richard (he of the same haircut) who tells her that she’s a “great chef”. She hugs Stephanie (who she calls “baby”), and gives everyone a final “Peace Out!”. Buh-Bye!




Next week, they force Ecuadorian children to work in the kitchen, and Chef Tom hates New Zealanders. Till then bitches!!!!

25 comments:

sfoofie said...

Hee hee...."But what I call 'Ignoring the Instructions.' "
Thank you for clearing this up!! I wonder why the judges didn't eliminate F'in Lisa? Great recap, I'm still laughing. I also am wondering how I didn't pick up on the guest judge's speech issues.

Joe said...

all i can say is - you had a whole lot to choose from this week!

jen's "raw" focus driving her out of the middle and up to the "top"...

ted allen's not polish...

anyhoo - i'm off to stalk every gay bar in town to find johnny and take him home and lock him in my cage where he will cook me desserts and love me

Kathy aka the Minx said...

I didn't catch Johnny's speech problem either! Guess I was drooling too loudly....

And I laughed out loud at the mental image of Spike and Andrew smearing squash on each other. Thanks for that. ::::scrubbing brain with Ajax::::

David Dust said...

Thanks guys and gals.

As far as the "speech" thing goes - it was VERY, VERY slight. But once I get something in my head, I tend to run with it...

Plus, I think I was playing the bitter Queen game of "find a flaw". Johnny was just TOO adorable, so I naturally had to do a little bit of hatin'.

Johnny, if you happen to read this and have been offended by what I wrote, please contact me immediately to arrange a "face-to-face" meeting so we can "discuss"...

Joy said...

Love it! Fab beginning! I could just hear you saying this when I watched it and couldn’t wait: We get all the usual “none of us are trained Pastry Chefs” disclaimers, and I start to do my usual – “why didn’t these idiots prepare” rant.

I literally laughed out loud about Marcel’s foam and the Top Chef Cookbook description. Rainman Jen – good one! Rainlesbian won’t get to be used now that she’s gone. Loved that’s called a Sno-cone here! Richard’s dessert did sound horrible, and I usually like anything with chocolate in it unless coconut is involved. Now I can add guacamole.

Good call! Johnny’s and Sylvester have the same hairdo and lisp. If he liked Richard’s dessert, he might have a suffering succotash recipe in his repertoire.

What’s with Kiwi Mark saying the guys don’t want to clash? With each other? With their skin tones as he mentioned when he noticed Richard was wearing pink? Too strange!

Oysters and red snapper! Perfect! You nailed Spike (but not in a sexual way) about his soup fetish and lust for Andrew. And how right you are here from what I’ve noticed: I always thought a lesbian ménage a tois was a female couple and their pet cat. This was priceless!

I agree that the improvisation theme got old. Yes, I wondered about the “drive” remark Dale made. They must all be having quite the orgy Tom probably suspects.

You are fabulous!

Joy said...

My idea of a ménage a tois (and I'm having one now) is Ben & Jerry and me. See what happens?

mikeinbama said...

hahahaha, I love it!

Beth said...

thank the lesbian gods! I really did. not. like. Jen!!!! She will be so much happier in San Fran...and so will everyone else!!!

as usual, you were fantastic Tranny...and so catty! MEOW!!! I love it!!!

Thufferin Thucatash!!!!!

Kwana said...

Another wonderful reacp. Jen was surprise for me though. I can't belive she went before Nikki or Spike. Spike!!!

Howard said...

Johnny was incredibly adorable, wasn't he? Far better than any of the eye-candy in the cast.

As always, a fantastic job. Who'd a thunk at the beginning of the season all these boys would be having sex?

*~~*Inger*~~* said...

I can't watch Top Chef now without wondering how long your Thursday recap will have me in hysterics!

I wish they would have given Lisa the boot, she's too negative, and she seems miserable.

barrie said...

Okay, how did none of the recaps mention Jen looking adoringly at Stephanie and saying, "I'm excited to have a menage a trois in my future"?!?

Johnny was cute until I saw him dipped in that weird white chocolate thing. I thought his speech impediment was endearing.

Psychomom said...

Ummmmm snow cones.

I too missed the speach thing until last night as I watched it for the third time. I was glad Jen was sent back to Joi so I don't have to listen to her missing her other half crap anymore. Shut up and cook me something bitch! (that's my inner lesbian talking)

Now we need to rid the House of Homo of Spike and Andrew and maybe 'Negative Nancy' Lisa too (but then the show would be even more boring).

And am I the only one who gets Mark's lame sarcastic humor, he is a regular commedian I tell you!

Great recap hon, Mama loves her baby boy too!

SailorAlphaCentauri said...

I couldn't stop laughing on this recap! I don't care if Spike and Andrew are douchebags, I want to see it when they finally hit it. What? Jerks are great in bed.

Anyway...did anyone else notice the ridiculous Calphalon plug-in that was done at the Judge's table. The cookware pulled a now-you-don't-see-it, now-you-do, and now-you-don't again maneuver. And when it was there, it was clearly filmed long after the judging was over.

And you're right; the cute ones should be quiet.

I may fail at being a gourmet chef, but the one thing I can do is dessert, so I don't understand why Top Cheftestants are so dessert incompetent. And Richard's winning dessert is just another reason why I won't be buying that cook book.

Spike wanted to play off the "perfect soup" comments like the Top Chef people would've edited out Chef Ming Tsai's comments from two episodes back (like that would happen), but it added to his douchebaggery.

I was glad the judges liked his soup only because Antonia is getting on my last nerves (bitch). I grew up eating Polish Boys [and there is no way to say that without it getting really dirty, so I give up], so I don't know why they couldn't just make something with the polish sausage and not bitch about it. Besides, LisTonia pretty much slammed the top two teams by saying they could've won by braising polish sausage in beer (and insinuating that the top two teams' dishes were craptastic), but then they turned around and said that they would've been slammed for making bar food. Have they been to a bar? I don't know any bar that serves braised anything. They don't cook in beer (unless it's in the batter), they like to sell it. My bars aren't very nice...

Anyway, great job on covering this edition of the House of Homos (love it!), and I'll end my comment with this: If you're making a menage-a-trois dish, you can't have four players on the plate...unless your tryst is being filmed and the bread is the camera (wo)man.

Howard said...

Psychomom, I not only get it, but find it oddly sexy.

jennifer from pittsburgh said...

After last week's crazy drama this week was kinda anti-climatic...in more ways than one for Jen. That whole menage thing was just such a screaming mistake, I can't believe Steph went along with it!

Psychomom said...

Howard, Mark is a cutie and maybe a little messy and I would have jumped into that bubble bath with that dirty boy in a heart beat!

Can you say 'down under'?

Howard said...

Psychomom, I hear you, and find myself thinking of a variety of uses for Ivory Soap when Mark is on my screen. And that bubblebath, well, I was a tad jealous of that ungrateful wretch Spike, and was thinking all Dave Dust-like, and thinking about cutting the bitch!

Mary said...

I did not notice the lisp either. I'm a pastry chef and yes it takes "skill." You were so right about Dale's "snow cone." What the F was that?

Did you catch how Zoi's girlfriend turned beet red when she was describing her orgy of a dish? My wet dream, Chef Tom, was blushing too!

At least Spike finally got to make his squash soup. God, enough with the soup. Kick his ass to the curb now.

Is it just me or does Nikki have a Top Chef angel working overtime for her? She is the luckiest one so far.

Dale's mortal foe, Lisa, truly annoys me, as does Antonia. What is wrong with these two and directions? In their restaurants, do they serve WHATEVER they want? I can see them now, "you really don't want lamb. I rather make salmon and you're going to eat it."
I hate lemon curd, but I still make it and serve it. What's up with these two?

J Random Blogger said...

Yeah, "not following instructions" is going to be the theme of my recap when I get to it (Monday, I think). Actually, for both recaps I'm behind on.

In the meantime, I have my little rant about Lisa's choice of chorizo when kielbasa wasn't good enough.

Anyhow. First thing I did when I finally caught up again was come read blogs. Always a pleasure to read your recaps. :)

John said...

I can't recount the number of times I have said "I hate Lisa" this week. She is an ass, and has to go. The arrogance of her and Antonia! Plus I'm still rooting for my boy Spike to be kicked out on his ass at some point soon.

As for Johnny - I can think fo a few things I'd pour on him, heheheh...

Sonia Ortega said...

Your recaps are so much fun!

Meeg said...

Johnny was definitely super cute although not un-douchey.

Also I was with the two girls kind of about how making polish sausage cooked in beer was the most obvious suggestions ever (the judges acted like it was a revelation when chef douchebag brought it up). I'm kind of with them on rejecting the obvious choice since they both agreed that they didn't like that stuff... but then maybe they could have come up with something a little more drunken and sausagey.

I think they need to just start calling this show "Top Caterer": WTF is up with having them transport the food every single episode this season?

David Dust said...

Meeg - I didn't think about that, but you are right. There is a HUGE difference between being a chef in one's own kitchen, and being a chef who caters. I guess this gives the producers more potential for variety when they "cater", but they aren't necessarily testing the best "chef" when they take it "on the road"...

TAMmommy said...

As always, a wonderful and witty recap of the show, which is actually better than watching anyway.

I had to read today and get myself psyched up for tonights episode, if I get home in time for it!

Thanks again for all you time and effort that went into a great recap!

Michelle
www.atammcreation.blogspot.com
www.atammmommy.wordpress.com

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