Top Chef Chicago - Episode Four - "Movie Night"

Opening scenes...Chicago has sailboats???

The Cheftestants are doing the typical "mourning the loss" of the person who was just sent home - Satan/Erik. Mexican Memo is sad to see the "big guy, with a big heart" go. Memo is also missing his kids. Or maybe his kids are missing…abducted into the fires of Hell by that big guy with a big heart.

Jen feels bad, because EVERYONE misses their kids and/or significant others. But she has her Hot Mama Zoi so close she can actually TOUCH HER! So Jen and Zoi are trying to keep a physical distance, and aren't going all Ellen DeGeneres/Portia de Rossi in public. It's strictly sneaky bathroom sex for these ladies. Now THAT'S a strategy!

Spike "loves those girls" (don't tell his boyfriend Andrew), but thinks the lesbian couple has an advantage because they can work together…and share clogs. If he and Andrew wore the same size clog, he would probably feel differently. Nevertheless, Spike is ready for one of the ladies to go, and I'm ready for at least one of Spike's fedoras to go.

Time for the Quickfire Challenge. Padma introduces world-renown chef, Daniel Boulud. She states that if they don't already know who he is, they should go home. I guess I would be going home. He looks familiar…but I can never remember if it's Boulud, or Bouley, or Boulevard. And, he pronounces his first name all Frenchy-esque ("Danielle", as in "Steel" or "Brisebois"). It's not very manly - DANIEL is my straight, NASCAR-loving brother's name, "Danielle" is the name of a stripper from Quebec.

Anywhoo, "Chef Danni" stresses the importance of technique (aka "cutting stuff up nice and pretty"), and the challenge is to create a Vegetable Plate using three classic techniques that will impress Chef Boulud. Just like my Aunt Marge's veggie plate at Thanksgiving, except with FRESH vegetables that look nice.

Chef Boulud mentions that both Richard and Ryan have worked with him previously, but it will not affect the judging in any way. Ryan states that he was employed by Boulud for a "VERY short time", which totally means he got fired as soon as they figured out he was a dumbass. Ryan might be a chef, but you KNOW he always brings the soda to the picnic.

Immediately, Lesbian Lisa, NikkiSoprano, and Lesbian Zoi admit that they are more “do it yourself” kinda gals, and don’t follow “classic” techniques. As I’ve said time and time again, don’t these people realize these things will be tested during the course of the show? Don’t they prepare ahead of time? I would be brushing up on chiffanades and tournés (whatever THEY are) BIG TIME so I didn’t make a fool of myself. But I guess you can’t teach an old lesbian (or Mafia Wife) new tricks. Or OLD tricks. Whatever.

The knives start flying. Memo mentions (with absolutely ZERO accent) that he has good knife skills, and I’ve seen West Side Story, so I can imagine. Andrew’s hands are shaking, which worries me. Spike is using some kind of French Tickler (or something) to curl scallions. Lisa wanted to do something with a cucumber, but Dale did it first, and did it better, and I’m NOT going to comment further.

Richard has decided to show off, as usual, and demonstrate that technique is “more than just knife skills” – he’s going to put his typical fauxhawked spin on HIS veggie plate. That’ll show ‘em. Oh, and he TOTALLY sucks up to his former employer, Daniel, by mentioning that Chef Boulud taught him “restraint”, and “a radish, on its own, is a beautiful thing”. Yeah, but it still tastes like a nasty radish, you suckass.

Daniel likee: Zoi’s Poached Eggs (that’s a vegetable?), Richard’s Suckassery, and Dale’s execution and knife skills. I didn’t realize there was also a Filippino gang in West Side Story.

Boulud no likee: Nikki’s Endive Boat, Lisa’s combo platter, and Memo’s “Dots on a Plate”.

Dale is the winner (whatever he did with that cucumber put him over the top, so to speak) and has immunity for the Elimination Challenge.

Elimination Challenge:

Padma announces that the cheftestants will be catering a 6-course dinner party that Chicago film critic, Richard Roeper, will be throwing for his friend – actress Aisha Tyler. They all draw knives (except Dale) to see which course they will be doing.

Teams of two are determined, and Dale is able to work with any team he wants. He has decided to work with Richard and Andrew, doing course #1. Which makes them, officially, “Team Douchebag”.

The chefs are informed that their dish must be inspired by their favorite movie. Here are the teams, and their movie choices:

Course #1: Team Douchebag. Richard, Dale, and Andrew decide on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory as their movie inspiration. Actually, Richard decides on Willy Wonka, and the other two nod their heads in approval.

Course #2: Team Slacker. Spike and Memo decide to they want to do Vietnamese (since that is Spike’s specialty), so they pick Good Morning Vietnam. Actually, Spike decides on the cuisine and movie, and Memo says “Si”.

Course #3: Team NoTechnique. Jen and Nikki have chosen Il Postino, and Italian movie which will allow NikkiSoprano to cook pasta, as usual. Jen just wants to hold Nikki’s hand (like in the movie). I hope Zoi doesn’t find out about this.

Course #4: Zoi and Antonia select Talk to Her, a Spanish film about two creative and passionate women. I hope JEN doesn’t find out about THIS.

Course #5: Team Dumbass. StudpidRyan and KiwiMark don’t have any movies in common. Mark wants to create their dish based on a movie called Bad Boy Bubby (WTF?), or Mad Max. What in the HELL would you serve for a Mad Max inspired dish? Maybe dried road kill, or dusty Tina Turner wigs? And Ryan isn’t quite sure if Mark is from New Zealand, or New England. Seriously.

Ryan’s favorite movies are…wait for it…Dumb and Dumber(!) and Old School. Then he has a “brainstorm” (and I use that term EXTREMELY loosely). He tries to think of the name of “that Christmas Movie”, and proceeds to recite the whole plot about how “it’s the movie with the family that eats Christmas dinner at a Chinese restaurant, and it’s a Christmas movie, and what is the name of that Christmas movie?!?” It’s A Christmas Story you idiot! Someone finally tells him the name, and that’s the movie they select. Mark is ALMOST positive A Christmas Story is a comedy and I am almost positive these two are ‘developmentally disabled’. Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? would be a better inspiration for these two dolts, but unfortunately that’s not a movie.

Finally, Course #6: Lisa and Stephanie. Stephanie has a TOTAL girl crush on Lisa – and describes her as “bold” and “strong”. Lisa picks the cow scene from the movie Top Secret as their inspiration. They decide NOT to do dessert – it’s all about the beef.

Time for shopping at Whole Foods. Dale harasses the fishmonger, Antonia laments about the price of lamb, ‘Dumb and Dumber’ settle on quail (instead of duck), Spike wants to use Tilapia in his summer roll (which is the cheapest, NASTIEST fish ever), and Andrew is predicting that the partygoers will “crap their pants” after tasting Team Douchebag’s dish. Now THAT’S a party!

The next day, they all head over to Gallery 37, the location of the shindig. Richard has decided he’s not holding back anymore, and has appointed himself the leader of Team Douchebag. Spike is wearing his yellow felt fedora, which makes him an HONORARY member of Team Douchebag. Stephanie mentions AGAIN how “strong” Lisa is, and I’m waiting for THEM to sneak off to the bathroom for a little afternoon delight.

Team Douchebag experiences a bone-chilling crisis. The electric smoker (that Richard has used in EVERY challenge) has finally gone kaput, and the Three Stooges are in full panic mode. They are lighting things on fire and burning the Glad wrap (careful fellas!). They finally decide to light a piece of wood on fire and wave it over a dish, like a Shaman or a High Priestess during a purification ceremony. Okay??......

Time for service. Team Douchebag brings out their Willy Wonka-inspired dish – along with a foamy drink. Richard does a rather charming (who knew?!?) speech about Willy Wonka and the guests floating and burping. Everyone REALLY likee.

Course #2 comes out – Good Morning Vietnam summer rolls. Everybody is hatin’ on the dish, even with Memo’s Charo-esque pronunciation of “cilantro”. Cootchie Cootchie!

Nikki and Jen are next with their Il Postino-inspired pasta dish. Their intention is to transport the guests to Italy, but I think they missed their connection at Heathrow.

Team Dumbass comes out with their Christmas Story Quail dish. Mark does the talking (he can actually form sentences, unlike Ryan) – and he uses his New Zealand (or is it New England?) accent, and words like “cheeky”, to charm the partygoers. It works - they actually likee. Aisha Tyler is practically licking the carrot puree off her plate.

Antonia and Zoi come out with their Talk to Her Spanish lamb chops – and give a short presentation about the vibrant colors of Spain. Tom Colicchio is disappointed that the dish doesn’t really have these rich colors. In fact, he’s a little obsessed about the lack of color in this dish. He could care less how it tastes, HE WANT”S FOOD WITH PRETTY COLORS! Calm yourself Mary.

Lastly, it’s Lisa and Stephanie with their Top Secret beef dish. The judges likee, and Aisha Tyler appreciates the dish’s originality. Ted Allen, however, wonders if the dish says “Val Kilmer in a cow suit”. Ted.Allen.Rocks.

The judges do their judging. After discussing all the dishes, Padma announces: “we have our tops, we have our bottom”, which sounds a lot like Room 1608 at the Sheraton Manhattan after the Black Party. Don't ask...don't tell...

The cheftestants are slamming beers in the Glad storage room, when Padma calls for the Willy Wonka team (Richard, Andrew, and Dale), and the Top Secret team (Lisa and Stephanie). They are told they are winners, and everyone hugs (ESPECIALLY Lisa and Stephanie). Team Douchebag/Willy Wonka is the winning team – and Richard is announced as the overall winner for his leadership. His fauxhawk seems just a little bit longer, and a little bit stiffer as a result.

Back in the not-so-Glad room, the losers are talking SHIT on Richard (who EVERYONE knows is going to win this season). Zoi is hammered, and is talking about Richard’s horrible flavor combinations (note to drunken Zoi: he won!). The winners come in and send the Talk to Her gals (Zoi and Antonia), and the Good Morning Vietnam guys (Spike and Memo) to their doom.

Zoi and Antonia are STILL being criticized by Tom for not having nicer colors. Zoi is drunkenly and belligerently trying to defend their dish. By the way, Tom Colicchio will be replacing Jonathan Adler as head judge on Bravo’s Top Design this season. Work it Girl!

Spike and Memo are really getting crapped on for their shitty Vietnamese summer rolls. Tom says you could have gotten the same thing for $8.00 at a local Vietnamese takeout place – and wonders where all their money was spent (answer: weed and cerveza). They aren’t sure who was worse – Spike for leading the team down this loser path, or Memo for happily following along.

Padma asks Spike who should go home, which he refuses to answer, saying “I don’t go that way”. That’s not what we hear from Andrew...

Memo was happy to simply learn about Vietnamese cuisine from Spike (and also how to roll a proper joint). Memo states that he tries to learn something new every day. My personal note to Memo: I want to know what love is – I want you to show me. To their credit, neither will throw each other under the bus – much to the chagrin of the judges, who LIVE for that shit.

After more discussion, Antonia and Drunk Zoi are safe. It’s down to Spike and Memo – who are told that their dish was hated by EVERYONE at the table. And also that everything they touch would turn to crap, and they’d never amount to anything, and they should be ashamed of themselves. Or something like that.

Memo is sent home, and goes back into the Glad storage room and gives a little speech. It kinda reminds me of what it would look like if Fred Flintstone was Mexican, and was giving an Oscar acceptance speech…in a storage room. “And most of all, I’d like to thank that fine-ass Mamacita, Wilma, for always being there for me…”.

Adios Papi!

Next week: Spike picks fights with lesbians and people get fish scales in their mouths. Till then bitches!!