Thursday, April 17, 2008

Top Chef Chicago - Episode Six - "It Don't Pay to be Gay"

When we last saw our Top Cheftestants, they were in the middle of a Douchebag vs. Lesbian smackdown – with neither side achieving ultimate victory (see recap here). Today however is a new day, and Spike is feeling bad because some of his competitors thought HE should have gone home instead of Zoi. He responds by saying “I’m a talented dude”, obviously believing that if he says it enough, it will somehow become true.

Jen is still choked up about “the love of my life” (Zoi) going home. She is vowing to win this competition for the both of them. And she also promises to pee in Spike’s Corn Flakes at some point before the show ends. Don’t mess with the lesbians.

Moana Lisa is happy she won the last challenge – but she still hates Dale. And the feeling is SO mutual. Dale gives Lisa one of those “apologies” that isn’t an apology at all. Basically he says: I’m sorry if I upset you when I grabbed my teeny-tiny testicles and yelled at you – but I can’t stand your stank personality and constant negativity. And your irrational fear of shampoo.

Lisa, in the interview room, responds: “Dale can go fuck himself, as far as I’m concerned”. I’m really glad they were able to work this out.

It’s Quickfire time! As everyone enters the Top Chef Kitchen, they notice multiple pitchers of beer on the counter – and the cheftestants gear up for a chugging contest. Padma (rocking a Flashdance-inspired off-one-shoulder top) enters with the guest judge Koren Grieveson – a Chicago chef. As is my habit, I play the “Douchebag or Lesbian” game, and Chef Koren scores extremely high Lesbian marks. Let’s face it, she’s wearing a t-shirt with a hot babe graphic on it, and she doesn’t speak or smile. LESBIAN!

Padma explains that this Quickfire challenge is about “Simple Pleasures” – which could still conceivably be a chugging contest. The cheftestants will select a beer, and then create a dish that pairs perfectly with their chosen brew (alas, no chugging).

Jen is praying to the lesbian goddess Xena: Warrior Princess for a win to avenge Zoi’s loss to Spike. Xena sends her a sign from above – Jen selects “Landshark Lager” beer and quickly realizes her fauxhawk is shaped like a shark fin. Coincidence? I think not!!! Leave it to the lesbians to send fish-themed supernatural signals. Keeping with the seafood theme, Jen decides on doing shrimp & scallop beignets. Now I’ve had REAL beignets at Café du Monde in New Orleans, and all they had on them was powdered sugar. But you know the lesbians and their seafood!

Dale has decided to do pork with a pretzel crust (WTF?) – which quickly goes “to Hell in a handbag”. Butch it up Dale – it’s actually “hand basket”. You just used the drag queen version of that phrase. Dale bitches that the pretzels have turned to “dust” – which, unless it’s “David Dust”, is a bad thing.

One of Richard’s (many) strategies for winning Top Chef is boiling down each challenge to a buzzword – and working around that phrase/theme. He decides to forgo his gadgets (the smoker is on the fritz anyway) and concentrate on making a good sandwich to go with his beer. A good sandwich is indeed a “simple pleasure” – and it is so obvious that, like it or not, Richard is “simply” so much more talented than the rest of these losers.

Actually, I must interrupt for a moment and apologize for calling the cheftestants “losers”. They are not losers, by any stretch of the imagination. I don’t know if you saw my short post on Hell’s Kitchen (the show, not my neighborhood) the other day (read it here). These Top Cheftestants I write about each week are a JOY compared to the completely unlikable asshats on Hell’s Kitchen. As Kathy (aka The Minx) commented, they don’t even seem qualified to wash dishes – let alone compete on a cooking show. Seriously, our Top Chef gang is bunch of Daniel Bouluds compared to the Hell’s Kitchen Chef Boyardee’s.

Utensils down – hands up! Time for Jennifer “Padma” Beals and the Stone-Faced Lesbian to judge the beer-inspired cuisine.

They no likee NikkiSoprano’s fried shrimp, Spike’s assorted meat & clams (WTF?), and Dale’s dusty pretzeled pork.

They likee Richard’s tuna sandwich, Stephanie’s mussels, and Jen’s fishy beignets – which ultimately win. The lesbian judge TOTALLY heard that shark-fin Jen’s girlfriend was gone, and was looking for a piece of that action.

Jen is thrilled to have won this for her gal, but Spike is hatin’. He is sure Jennifer is happy to have immunity after the whole Spike/Zoi situation, and mockingly adds – “Yeah lesbians! Here we go!”. He better never show up at a WNBA game (or a Xena convention) – EVER.

The Elimination Challenge is revealed. They will be cooking at a tailgate party before a Chicago Bears game at Soldier Field. The fans will select a top and bottom three, and the judges will pick the final winner and loser.

Dale is immediately happy about this. He is a Bears fan (born and raised in Chicago) and a sports lover. Jen is also psyched about the challenge – she is extremely familiar with football (LESBIAN!) – and wants to win this for Zoi. In fact, she decides to do a Greek dish as a Sapphic tribute to her lady love

It’s off to Whole Foods for shopping. Spike literally RUNS to the butcher counter and buys every single chicken wing they have. Dale goes to “Plan B” and decides on ribs. Nikki purchases sausage for sausage/peppers heroes. Has she EVER cooked anything that wasn’t featured prominently on The Sopranos? Seriously, next week she’ll be cooking baked ziti. Richard, ever the snob, is going upscale (shocking!) and doing a “Pâté Melt” burger. Mark wants to do “Shrimp on the Barbie” – but decides on chicken skewers and soup instead (WTF?).

Ryan is NOT a sports fan. In fact he “comes out” as a “Metrosexual”, saying he spends his money on nice clothes and likes to go out dancing. Go Girl!!! He decides to do a “California Tailgate” which sounds like something they do in the back room at the Ramrod. Maybe THAT’S where Ryan has been “cooking” since age 11. As they leave Whole Foods, Ryan gives Mark a little hug, and calls him “Baby”. He is so brave.

Chef Tom Colicchio does his usual walk-through. Antonia says she is picturing “big fat men who drink beer” at the tailgate - the same thing Ryan is picturing at HIS “tailgate”. Moana Lisa is doing “Skirt Steak” (LESBIAN!) and “beating her meat”…waitwhat?!?

Newly “out” Miss Ryan has decided to do a multi-course EXTRAVAGANZA with bread salad, chicken thighs (NOT breasts – gross!), poached pears, a drink, etc. He tells Chef Tom he wants it “light”, “fresh”, and “clean” – but he might as well have said “fierce”, “fabulous”, and “ferosh”. He is SO Gay.

Back at the residence – the cheftestants are “unwinding” – which is reality show code for “drinking like fish”. Ryan is slamming back white wine spritzers. And apparently Ryan’s gayness is rubbing off (so to speak) on some of the others. After about 40 beers, Spike and Mark decide to take a bubble bath together. Antonia comments that it’s like a “cheap porno” and is “kinda weird”. Note to Antonia: cheap porno is NEVER weird – it is ART.

Spike is drunkenly talking about how Mark is a “cool-looking dude” with “curly hair” who will always be a “good friend”. For goodness sakes – just do it already!! Seriously, this is getting tedious. I hate when you have to fast-forward through all the “plot” during a cheap porno. Even sports-loving Dale is getting in on the gay vibe – ironing his apron for the next day.

The next morning the cheftestants arrive at Soldier Field, amid marching bands and fat men drinking beer (Ryan must be thrilled!). The chefs have a choice of traditional charcoal grill, or fancy-schmancy gas grill – and Mark is the only one with the “testicular fortitude” to choose a charcoal “Barbie”. He is obviously trying to “butch it up” this morning after “giving it up” to Spike last night.

The judges arrive – dressed in Chicago Bears Jerseys. We see Gail Simmons, whose boobies are covered this week. I guess she found out all the guys are suddenly gay. Paul Kahan – a Chicago chef who may or may not be the stone-faced lesbian chef from the Quickfire – is the guest judge. And Chef Tom is here, and he’s wearing a VERY gay beret. This gay thing is spreading like gonorrhea at the Ramrod!

In the middle of grilling, Dale notices legendary Chicago Bears players Gale Sayers, William “The Refrigerator” Perry, and Richard Dent. All three seem to really enjoy his ribs – and the “manly” way in which he grills them. In this big pack of queens, Dale is definitely the only one who would recognize actual football players. Ryan just thought they were “fat guys drinking beer” who were lined up to get into his “tailgate”.

Antonia’s “Jamaican Jerk Chicken Sandwich” goes over big with the fat fans and the judges, but Miss Chef Tom decides the grilled pineapple should go ON the sandwich, not on the side. The Gays can be SO particular!

Andrew’s manly shrimp glazed with beer is getting good reviews (except Miss Chef Tom- who is having problems with the parsnip puree). However, the fact that Andrew is wearing a football helmet is NOT going over too well. He looks like a special needs child who must wear a helmet so he doesn’t injure himself. And Andrew can’t remove said helmet because his ears are too big. He reminds me of South Park’s Eric Cartman pretending to be retarded so he could win the Special Olympics. Except Andrew isn’t pretending...

Miss Ryan is flitting around his "tailgate" like a madwoman. In fact he has enlisted fans to help him serve – isn’t that just like a queen?!? Ryan is calling people “honey”, and really “working” the crowd (so GAY!). One of the fans calls his food “fancy” – a code word that actually means “Fagalicious!”

Nikki is running out of sausage and peppers, and by the time the judges stop by she literally serves them scraps. Not smart honey. Mark is also having troubles – his messy station and cuisine are called an “absolute disaster” by Miss Chef Tom. So catty!

Commercial break. It’s time for the Bravo Top Chef text poll, which asks the question: “Who would you most want to touch in Touch Football: Padma, Tom, or Yourself?”. Can I still vote if I’ve ALREADY touched myself?!? I really thought that whole Spike/Mark bubble bath thing was going somewhere! Anywhoo – the fags who watch Bravo selected Miss Chef Tom as the favorite by a large margin.

The cheftestants are back in the Not-So-Glad Storage Room, when Padma calls Antonia, Dale, and Stephanie. Spike and Mark, sitting next to each other against the back wall, shoot catty looks at them as they go to the Judge’s table.

These are the top three – picked by the fat men drinking beer. They likee Stephanie’s pork (although Miss Chef Tom said it should have been seasoned more). The also likee Antonia’s chicken sandwich. But they REALLY likee Manly Dale’s Manly-Man Ribs!

Dale is declared the winner (because Manly Men are winners!) and he gets a manly Top Chef football jersey, and the manliest prize of all – one of the fancy-schmancy gas grills!! Manly Dale seals his victory with a Michael Jordan fist-pump, and a Sammy Sosa kiss to the sky. Wait, I think I see actual testicles!!!

Dale is asked to send in the clowns…namely Nikki, Mark, and Ryan. They come before the judges, and Miss Ryan puts his hands on his hips like he is getting ready to tell these bitches about themselves. Go Girl!

Nikki is surprised that the fat beer-drinkers selected her dish – but Miss Chef Tom reminds Nikki that these chubby Chicagoans worship sausage. Great, now the entire CITY is gay! The judges also bitch at her for not making her own sausage, for running out of ingredients, and because her sandwich was dry.

Miss Chef Tom bitches and moans and bitches some more about Mark’s “messy station”. And also about the “gritty” texture of his soup. And his “double dipping” with a spoon. And his unclean apron – which should have been freshly pressed like Manly Dale’s. We GET IT girl…you no likee!

But most of the scorn was heaped upon Ryan’s gay ass. They bitched about his “left field” (aka GAY) dessert of Poached Pears with Crème Fraiche and Huckleberries. Okay – that IS gay. Really gay. Liberace’s manpurse full of rainbows GAY.

Ryan tries to defend himself. He was trying to show “California flair” (San Francisco GAY). He wanted to provide a “whole dining experience” (Dinner Party GAY). He doesn’t “eat heavy” or “eat ribs” (Watching His Weight GAY). This queen won’t shut up!

The “bottom” three go back to the Not-So-Glad Storage Room to await the judging. Nikki mentions how Ryan was so “long-winded” (Chatty GAY) with the judges and this has become a bona-fide Bashing!

They are called back to the Judges table and Ryan is told to pack his knives, fancy clothes, dancing shoes, hair-care products and go. He thanks the judges for the opportunity and returns to say goodbye to the other cheftestants.

As Ryan is hugging the boys (GAY), saying “ciao” (GAY), and speaking of how this experience “changed my life” (GAY) – he decided that one thing, and ONE THING ONLY got him sent home…

“I went too big”…which no true gay man would EVER say...

Buh-bye metrosexual straight boy!!!

Next week: Cooking pastries and pointing at gay guys….Till then bitches!!!


Kyle/TheBookPolice said...

Brilliant lead-up to the end! I know my tension was rising.

At the risk of writing this comment like Chris Farley interviewing Paul McCartney, I have to give special props to the following moments:

"Paul Kahan – a Chicago chef who may or may not be the stone-faced lesbian chef from the Quickfire – is the guest judge."

"He looks like a special needs child who must wear a helmet so he doesn’t injure himself"

"Can I still vote if I’ve ALREADY touched myself?!?"

"Miss Ryan puts his hands on his hips like he is getting ready to tell these bitches about themselves"

"Liberace’s manpurse full of rainbows GAY."

David Dust said...

Thank you Kyle! And I think it's more along the lines of Walter Cronkite interviewing Eric Cartman...with my helmet on!


Kathy aka the Minx said...

It's a gay gay gay gay world! Brilliant recap, DD - and I loved the Liberace line (I think his manpurse is on display at the Liberace museum in Vegas).

Psychomom said...

Isn't beating your meat the same as touching yourself?

Great recap as usual Ms Dust!

Jen and all her Zoi talk made me want to puke in my mouth a little and Gail making fun of special needs Andrew was great. But like Dale, I was like so excited to see Gale, Dent and the Refridgerator Perry chew on those rib bones.

Hell, I think this episode made me gay too! Better a lesbian than a douchbag. Right (buh-bye) Ryan?

Dan said...

I wanted to see some lesbian smackdow,I was very dissapointed.

I laughed out loud when Lisa kept talking about beating her meat!

Mary said...

My Ryan voodoo doll worked! That scum sucker is GONE! It made my night complete.

Great recap! I thought it was funny when Ryan called football fans "fat bald men" while he was looking at chef Tom! You know chef Tom was going to ax him for that alone.

I tell you it will come down to Dale, Stephanie, and Lisa.

Mary said...

Hey why don't they use that chunky female judge more? She's got a big ass and boobs. She's got more zip than Pandma. I think her old man Rushdie left her, because he get leaving her in roons and turning off the lights.

Andrew in the helmet reminded me of the "special needs" puppet from Crank Yankers on Comedy Central. He looked just like him!

Joe said...

dd - just for the record, antonia lost points this week for repeatedly high-fiving dale during judging. i think they high-fived maybe 6-7 times, but i lost count. LESBIAN?

sfoofie said...

OK...this was one of your FINEST recaps! "The Not-So-Glad Storage Room" should be trademarked!!
Sorry, I don't have any single papis around, but I'm still laughing. You brightened my day...

David Dust said...

Kathy - I'm booking my Vegas pilgrimage now to see the manpurse...

PsychoLesbianMom - I'm SO glad you're not a douchebag!

Dan - I was waiting for Spike and/or mark to start beating their meat...NOT Moana Lisa!

Mary - 'SPECIAL ED' from Crank Yankers! Yeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!

Joe - Antonia's either a Lesbian or a Douchebag. And if she is high-fiving, I'd bet on "douchebag".

Sfoofie - If you find any Papis for me, send them to the Not-So-Glad Storage Room!

Howard said...

Brilliance on a stick! How you consistently make the recaps better than the actual show, is beyond me.

While I support them trying to make it easier for you by packing in the GAY this episode, I felt so dirty after the episode, since I was strangely aroused by the bathing Aussie.

Mary said...

Ryan got sent home, because he is a DUMBASS. Who the hell serves a 5 course meal at a tailgate party? A DUMDASS! It wasn't even a good 5 course meal. So he never went to a football game, doesn't he know how to research? I knew he was stupid from school, but he is the special needs person. He has no personality and he is a DUMBASS. He is too stupid to be gay, because to be a gay male you have to have a personality and some brains.

Margo said...

OMG!! That was a faaabulous recap! Still laughing. My husband and I rewound Lisa and her beating her meat comment a few times. This ep really was showcasing the gay on Bravo. Did you notice Stephanie's "jazz fingers" at the end of the QF challenge? Gayle giddily skipping to get some of Dale's manly-man ribs? Hot tub scene! And the poll was just awesome! As was your comment about it and the cheap porn! ;-) Ha! And I agree with sfoofie - the "not-so-glad storage room" is AWESOME!

You outdid yourself on this one! You must have been inspired by the Papi Michael pics.

David Dust said...

Howard - you felt dirty, because you ARE Blanche! You ARE dirty!! And so am I!

Mary - good riddance to Dumbass Ryan!

Margo - OMG - you must be right - I was INSPIRED yesterday by Sexy Papi Michael! Sorry, gotta look at those pics again...and maybe touch myself...

mikeinbama said...

Liberace’s manpurse full of rainbows GAY......hahahahaha

I'm going tos start using these quotes as my own...hahaha

David Dust said...

Mike - what's mine is YOURS!

Beth said...

ahhhh Tranny, you outdid yourself this time!!! I feel like I'm right there with you watching all the gays!!!

and what was that crack about lesbians and fish?.....

Jen kinda scares me a little....I bet she can really strap one on and go at it....scary!

You come up with some good ones realy do.

I gotta go get my gay purse full of rainbows and go shopping!


Steve and Des said...

Seriously, does the average voter care about the capital gains tax? What a gay gay gay debate!

Kwana said...

David, once again you were perfect. I loved it. Ryan was a mess with those pears! Buh Bye.

Timmy said...

David...your recap made me LOL a few times and it startled The Calvinator.

I was tired last night and was too tired to send in my text vote. I knew that Chef Tom would win.

I did laugh when Lisa was beating her meat. And she was really beating it. LOL

Thanx for the laugh. It's almost time for Shut Up and Dance!

*~~*Inger*~~* said...

"Liberace’s manpurse full of rainbows GAY."

I'm SO using this phrase some day!!
As always, excellent recap!

Joy said...

Ditto about the comments - I do agree. Your recaps keep getting better and better! Wonderful!

I also expected Kiwi Mark the Brokeback Barbie Tranny Mess and Spike's bubble bath to go somewhere. I thought the same thing about the beignets and wish I were back there right now in New Orleans.

Excellent post! You're brilliant!


JG said...

I usually read a few different top chef blogs but since discovering David Dust's diamond there's no need for others...seldom do i laugh out loud reading a tv show recap, but your's does it every time...Your blog is better than the show...?Thanks!

David Dust said...

Attn: All Dust Bunnies

From: Your Fearless Leader

Thank you my darlings!!!!!


quartergoddess said...

Very funny stuff.
Even LOL, especially at the Cartman reference since I thought the same thing! Ha!

SailorAlphaCentauri said...

I loved this recap! This was brilliant from the word go (and gay, and ferosh). I think it's so interesting that Ryan acted as if he shouldn't have been in the bottom because he did something unexpected, but he lost because he can't cook. If it had been prepared well, he wouldn't have been sent packing but he still would've ended up in the bottom three. If you want to do something light for a tailgate, it still has to be easy to eat (dummy).

Considering that in the first two weeks he screwed up dishes that were supposed to be chef basics, I'm not surprised that he finally got sent home.

Poor Mark was having what I call a Murphy day. It's when Murphy's law plays itself out in everything you try to do (I've been known to have Murphy days, weeks and months).

And Antonia needs to lighten up! Cheap porn is not weird; it's great for parties!

melissa said...

The minute I heard the poll question during this ep I thought of you! I knew you'd run with it and you didn't disappoint! Keep 'em coming. Uh, know what I mean. ;)

TAMmommy said...

Oh my gawd! David you had me rolling with laughter at your recap!

I look forward to your recaps almost as much if not more than the show itself!


Meeg said...

I can't believe they didn't send Nikki home! Also, it was annoying how Ryan was like "oh I got sent home for trying to serve fancy food at a tailgate" I mean obviously it was also not so good. And more people wanted to touch Tom than Padma? Even I would choose to touch Padma.

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