Top Chef Chicago - Episode Six - "It Don't Pay to be Gay"

When we last saw our Top Cheftestants, they were in the middle of a Douchebag vs. Lesbian smackdown – with neither side achieving ultimate victory (see recap here). Today however is a new day, and Spike is feeling bad because some of his competitors thought HE should have gone home instead of Zoi. He responds by saying “I’m a talented dude”, obviously believing that if he says it enough, it will somehow become true.

Jen is still choked up about “the love of my life” (Zoi) going home. She is vowing to win this competition for the both of them. And she also promises to pee in Spike’s Corn Flakes at some point before the show ends. Don’t mess with the lesbians.

Moana Lisa is happy she won the last challenge – but she still hates Dale. And the feeling is SO mutual. Dale gives Lisa one of those “apologies” that isn’t an apology at all. Basically he says: I’m sorry if I upset you when I grabbed my teeny-tiny testicles and yelled at you – but I can’t stand your stank personality and constant negativity. And your irrational fear of shampoo.

Lisa, in the interview room, responds: “Dale can go fuck himself, as far as I’m concerned”. I’m really glad they were able to work this out.

It’s Quickfire time! As everyone enters the Top Chef Kitchen, they notice multiple pitchers of beer on the counter – and the cheftestants gear up for a chugging contest. Padma (rocking a Flashdance-inspired off-one-shoulder top) enters with the guest judge Koren Grieveson – a Chicago chef. As is my habit, I play the “Douchebag or Lesbian” game, and Chef Koren scores extremely high Lesbian marks. Let’s face it, she’s wearing a t-shirt with a hot babe graphic on it, and she doesn’t speak or smile. LESBIAN!

Padma explains that this Quickfire challenge is about “Simple Pleasures” – which could still conceivably be a chugging contest. The cheftestants will select a beer, and then create a dish that pairs perfectly with their chosen brew (alas, no chugging).

Jen is praying to the lesbian goddess Xena: Warrior Princess for a win to avenge Zoi’s loss to Spike. Xena sends her a sign from above – Jen selects “Landshark Lager” beer and quickly realizes her fauxhawk is shaped like a shark fin. Coincidence? I think not!!! Leave it to the lesbians to send fish-themed supernatural signals. Keeping with the seafood theme, Jen decides on doing shrimp & scallop beignets. Now I’ve had REAL beignets at Café du Monde in New Orleans, and all they had on them was powdered sugar. But you know the lesbians and their seafood!

Dale has decided to do pork with a pretzel crust (WTF?) – which quickly goes “to Hell in a handbag”. Butch it up Dale – it’s actually “hand basket”. You just used the drag queen version of that phrase. Dale bitches that the pretzels have turned to “dust” – which, unless it’s “David Dust”, is a bad thing.

One of Richard’s (many) strategies for winning Top Chef is boiling down each challenge to a buzzword – and working around that phrase/theme. He decides to forgo his gadgets (the smoker is on the fritz anyway) and concentrate on making a good sandwich to go with his beer. A good sandwich is indeed a “simple pleasure” – and it is so obvious that, like it or not, Richard is “simply” so much more talented than the rest of these losers.

Actually, I must interrupt for a moment and apologize for calling the cheftestants “losers”. They are not losers, by any stretch of the imagination. I don’t know if you saw my short post on Hell’s Kitchen (the show, not my neighborhood) the other day (read it here). These Top Cheftestants I write about each week are a JOY compared to the completely unlikable asshats on Hell’s Kitchen. As Kathy (aka The Minx) commented, they don’t even seem qualified to wash dishes – let alone compete on a cooking show. Seriously, our Top Chef gang is bunch of Daniel Bouluds compared to the Hell’s Kitchen Chef Boyardee’s.

Utensils down – hands up! Time for Jennifer “Padma” Beals and the Stone-Faced Lesbian to judge the beer-inspired cuisine.

They no likee NikkiSoprano’s fried shrimp, Spike’s assorted meat & clams (WTF?), and Dale’s dusty pretzeled pork.

They likee Richard’s tuna sandwich, Stephanie’s mussels, and Jen’s fishy beignets – which ultimately win. The lesbian judge TOTALLY heard that shark-fin Jen’s girlfriend was gone, and was looking for a piece of that action.

Jen is thrilled to have won this for her gal, but Spike is hatin’. He is sure Jennifer is happy to have immunity after the whole Spike/Zoi situation, and mockingly adds – “Yeah lesbians! Here we go!”. He better never show up at a WNBA game (or a Xena convention) – EVER.

The Elimination Challenge is revealed. They will be cooking at a tailgate party before a Chicago Bears game at Soldier Field. The fans will select a top and bottom three, and the judges will pick the final winner and loser.

Dale is immediately happy about this. He is a Bears fan (born and raised in Chicago) and a sports lover. Jen is also psyched about the challenge – she is extremely familiar with football (LESBIAN!) – and wants to win this for Zoi. In fact, she decides to do a Greek dish as a Sapphic tribute to her lady love

It’s off to Whole Foods for shopping. Spike literally RUNS to the butcher counter and buys every single chicken wing they have. Dale goes to “Plan B” and decides on ribs. Nikki purchases sausage for sausage/peppers heroes. Has she EVER cooked anything that wasn’t featured prominently on The Sopranos? Seriously, next week she’ll be cooking baked ziti. Richard, ever the snob, is going upscale (shocking!) and doing a “Pâté Melt” burger. Mark wants to do “Shrimp on the Barbie” – but decides on chicken skewers and soup instead (WTF?).

Ryan is NOT a sports fan. In fact he “comes out” as a “Metrosexual”, saying he spends his money on nice clothes and likes to go out dancing. Go Girl!!! He decides to do a “California Tailgate” which sounds like something they do in the back room at the Ramrod. Maybe THAT’S where Ryan has been “cooking” since age 11. As they leave Whole Foods, Ryan gives Mark a little hug, and calls him “Baby”. He is so brave.

Chef Tom Colicchio does his usual walk-through. Antonia says she is picturing “big fat men who drink beer” at the tailgate - the same thing Ryan is picturing at HIS “tailgate”. Moana Lisa is doing “Skirt Steak” (LESBIAN!) and “beating her meat”…wait…what?!?

Newly “out” Miss Ryan has decided to do a multi-course EXTRAVAGANZA with bread salad, chicken thighs (NOT breasts – gross!), poached pears, a drink, etc. He tells Chef Tom he wants it “light”, “fresh”, and “clean” – but he might as well have said “fierce”, “fabulous”, and “ferosh”. He is SO Gay.

Back at the residence – the cheftestants are “unwinding” – which is reality show code for “drinking like fish”. Ryan is slamming back white wine spritzers. And apparently Ryan’s gayness is rubbing off (so to speak) on some of the others. After about 40 beers, Spike and Mark decide to take a bubble bath together. Antonia comments that it’s like a “cheap porno” and is “kinda weird”. Note to Antonia: cheap porno is NEVER weird – it is ART.

Spike is drunkenly talking about how Mark is a “cool-looking dude” with “curly hair” who will always be a “good friend”. For goodness sakes – just do it already!! Seriously, this is getting tedious. I hate when you have to fast-forward through all the “plot” during a cheap porno. Even sports-loving Dale is getting in on the gay vibe – ironing his apron for the next day.

The next morning the cheftestants arrive at Soldier Field, amid marching bands and fat men drinking beer (Ryan must be thrilled!). The chefs have a choice of traditional charcoal grill, or fancy-schmancy gas grill – and Mark is the only one with the “testicular fortitude” to choose a charcoal “Barbie”. He is obviously trying to “butch it up” this morning after “giving it up” to Spike last night.

The judges arrive – dressed in Chicago Bears Jerseys. We see Gail Simmons, whose boobies are covered this week. I guess she found out all the guys are suddenly gay. Paul Kahan – a Chicago chef who may or may not be the stone-faced lesbian chef from the Quickfire – is the guest judge. And Chef Tom is here, and he’s wearing a VERY gay beret. This gay thing is spreading like gonorrhea at the Ramrod!

In the middle of grilling, Dale notices legendary Chicago Bears players Gale Sayers, William “The Refrigerator” Perry, and Richard Dent. All three seem to really enjoy his ribs – and the “manly” way in which he grills them. In this big pack of queens, Dale is definitely the only one who would recognize actual football players. Ryan just thought they were “fat guys drinking beer” who were lined up to get into his “tailgate”.

Antonia’s “Jamaican Jerk Chicken Sandwich” goes over big with the fat fans and the judges, but Miss Chef Tom decides the grilled pineapple should go ON the sandwich, not on the side. The Gays can be SO particular!

Andrew’s manly shrimp glazed with beer is getting good reviews (except Miss Chef Tom- who is having problems with the parsnip puree). However, the fact that Andrew is wearing a football helmet is NOT going over too well. He looks like a special needs child who must wear a helmet so he doesn’t injure himself. And Andrew can’t remove said helmet because his ears are too big. He reminds me of South Park’s Eric Cartman pretending to be retarded so he could win the Special Olympics. Except Andrew isn’t pretending...

Miss Ryan is flitting around his "tailgate" like a madwoman. In fact he has enlisted fans to help him serve – isn’t that just like a queen?!? Ryan is calling people “honey”, and really “working” the crowd (so GAY!). One of the fans calls his food “fancy” – a code word that actually means “Fagalicious!”

Nikki is running out of sausage and peppers, and by the time the judges stop by she literally serves them scraps. Not smart honey. Mark is also having troubles – his messy station and cuisine are called an “absolute disaster” by Miss Chef Tom. So catty!

Commercial break. It’s time for the Bravo Top Chef text poll, which asks the question: “Who would you most want to touch in Touch Football: Padma, Tom, or Yourself?”. Can I still vote if I’ve ALREADY touched myself?!? I really thought that whole Spike/Mark bubble bath thing was going somewhere! Anywhoo – the fags who watch Bravo selected Miss Chef Tom as the favorite by a large margin.

The cheftestants are back in the Not-So-Glad Storage Room, when Padma calls Antonia, Dale, and Stephanie. Spike and Mark, sitting next to each other against the back wall, shoot catty looks at them as they go to the Judge’s table.

These are the top three – picked by the fat men drinking beer. They likee Stephanie’s pork (although Miss Chef Tom said it should have been seasoned more). The also likee Antonia’s chicken sandwich. But they REALLY likee Manly Dale’s Manly-Man Ribs!

Dale is declared the winner (because Manly Men are winners!) and he gets a manly Top Chef football jersey, and the manliest prize of all – one of the fancy-schmancy gas grills!! Manly Dale seals his victory with a Michael Jordan fist-pump, and a Sammy Sosa kiss to the sky. Wait, I think I see actual testicles!!!

Dale is asked to send in the clowns…namely Nikki, Mark, and Ryan. They come before the judges, and Miss Ryan puts his hands on his hips like he is getting ready to tell these bitches about themselves. Go Girl!

Nikki is surprised that the fat beer-drinkers selected her dish – but Miss Chef Tom reminds Nikki that these chubby Chicagoans worship sausage. Great, now the entire CITY is gay! The judges also bitch at her for not making her own sausage, for running out of ingredients, and because her sandwich was dry.

Miss Chef Tom bitches and moans and bitches some more about Mark’s “messy station”. And also about the “gritty” texture of his soup. And his “double dipping” with a spoon. And his unclean apron – which should have been freshly pressed like Manly Dale’s. We GET IT girl…you no likee!

But most of the scorn was heaped upon Ryan’s gay ass. They bitched about his “left field” (aka GAY) dessert of Poached Pears with Crème Fraiche and Huckleberries. Okay – that IS gay. Really gay. Liberace’s manpurse full of rainbows GAY.

Ryan tries to defend himself. He was trying to show “California flair” (San Francisco GAY). He wanted to provide a “whole dining experience” (Dinner Party GAY). He doesn’t “eat heavy” or “eat ribs” (Watching His Weight GAY). This queen won’t shut up!

The “bottom” three go back to the Not-So-Glad Storage Room to await the judging. Nikki mentions how Ryan was so “long-winded” (Chatty GAY) with the judges and this has become a bona-fide Bashing!

They are called back to the Judges table and Ryan is told to pack his knives, fancy clothes, dancing shoes, hair-care products and go. He thanks the judges for the opportunity and returns to say goodbye to the other cheftestants.

As Ryan is hugging the boys (GAY), saying “ciao” (GAY), and speaking of how this experience “changed my life” (GAY) – he decided that one thing, and ONE THING ONLY got him sent home…

“I went too big”…which no true gay man would EVER say...

Buh-bye metrosexual straight boy!!!



Next week: Cooking pastries and pointing at gay guys….Till then bitches!!!