First of all, I want to say that I’m pissed at Bravo for not showing back-to-back episodes of Top Chef last night – they put Step It Up and Dance between the new episode and the usual repeat. Although I enjoy SIUaD (see my recap of Episode One here), Bravo forced me to stay up WAY too late last night taking notes for this recap. So now I am cranky and tired – thanks a lot Bravo!
With that being said, last night’s episode begins with Antonia and Zoi still bitching about being in the bottom group during the last challenge. Zoi, in particular, is saying they got “jacked”, which must be some kind of lesbian code because I don’t know what it means. But "jacked", in this case, doesn’t sound good – maybe it’s like being “car-jacked”, or “hi-jacked”. I’m just guessing here because I don’t speak lesbianese.
Zoi’s gal Jen is also surprised that Zoi was “on the bottom” – which sounds like a personal matter and is none of our business. Jen says that Zoi is an “incredible chef”, and she’s “a fan” of Zoi’s, which certainly isn’t very romantic.
Time for the Quickfire Challenge. Padma is in the kitchen with Chef Ming Tsai, which immediately makes Lisa perk up. Lisa is “a fan” of Chef Tsai (although I didn’t think she swung that way). Ming is known for his “east meets west” cuisine, which is something that Lisa is apparently good at. Let’s hope she doesn’t get jacked during this challenge, whatever that means.
This week’s Quickfire is the annual “blindfold” taste test. Antonia is psyched, because this is her “favorite”! Top Chef does this every season, and Miss Thang is PREPARED. I bitch almost every week about cheftestants being unprepared (not knowing basic techniques or recipes, etc.) but someone has FINALLY showed some preparation. I’m starting to like our non-lesbian, non-mafia wife, non-douchebag Antonia. I guess you could say I’m a fan (although I DEFINITELY don’t swing that way).
Each chef is given 15 items to taste. For each item there are two samples – one high-end, and one cheap. Here are some highlights…
Ryan didn’t eat breakfast, which can inhibit learning and make you a dumbass. Andrew makes a comment about sucking blind, which I’m sure has something to do with Spike. Stephanie/Rachel Ray almost gagged on crab (it wasn’t Yummo!) – but she incorrectly skeeved the good stuff. Lesbian Lisa is “a little shaky” in the presence of Chef Ming – and is knocking over water bottles. Douchy Dale LOVES caviar, ESPECIALLY the cheap shit. Jen is extremely familiar with pork. And Antonia is ALL OVER this challenge – using a patented multi-finger/water-swishing method to insure victory. Wait, she’s NOT a lesbian, right?!?
In the end, Stephanie gagged, er, CHOKED – and came in last. Ryan and Jen did very well, but Antonia won this Quickfire. See bitches, PREPARATION PAYS! She literally pats herself on the back, and now has immunity.
Padma announces the Elimination Challenge this week: they will be preparing the first course for the annual Meals on Wheels Chicago Celebrity Chef’s Ball. They draw knives and separate into four teams – each team will represent one of the basic elements (fire, earth, water, air). They must use their element as inspiration in creating their dish.
Here are the teams:
Water: Richard, Andrew, Mark
Air: Nikki, Ryan, Jen
Earth: Antonia, Spike, Zoi
Fire: Dale, Lisa, Stephanie
The teams have 15 minutes to plan their menus and the cheftestants begin to brainstorm. Jen thinks Team Airhead should do some kind of bird dish, because birds fly in the air. I just hope they have some better ideas than that. MY “air” dish would revolve around marshmallow fluff. But then again I’m no expert…
Team Fire discusses their options, and Dale reveals his vast stupidity. He suggests a beef tartar dish, which is raw beef that hasn’t been near ANY fire. Then he does some truly ridiculous word association: “Fire?...Devil?...DEVILED EGGS!”. Yeah, nothing say’s FIRE like deviled eggs, you douchebag. Lisa isn’t having it – she is all about impressing Ming the Merciless and thinks they should do something Asian. Asian Dale doesn’t want to do Asian, due to obvious self-esteem issues. All Stephanie cares about is making sure her secret lesbian crush (Lisa) – who has a “strong personality” – gets along with Douchy Dale. Stephanie is one of Lisa’s biggest fans…
Spike and Antonia over at Team Earth are battling over their ideas. Spike is obsessed with Butternut Squash Soup, but Antonia hates the idea. Antonia likes the idea of a Beef Carpaccio dish – she doesn’t think soup will say “quality” – which she’s now the expert on since she won the blindfold taste test. I wonder how she did with the “Pepsi Challenge”?…
Antonia passively-aggressively says that she will make soup if that’s what Zoi and Spike really want – but she thinks it’s a horrible idea. And she has immunity, so she could give a shit. They decide on the carpaccio, but Spike isn’t really convinced. Zoi doesn’t seem to care one way or the other – obviously still upset by the whole “jacking” incident.
Time for shopping at Whole Foods. Each team has $500 and 45 minutes. Richard immediately goes to the fish counter and wants to know what’s fresh. He is all ‘pumped’ about his “fish cooked in water” idea, which sounds like simple poached fish to me. But he has decided to cook salmon in plastic vacuum bags, which Richard states is his “specialty”. I’m pretty sure he has a least a dozen “specialties” – which seems to defeat the purpose of actually having a specialty. But again, I’m no expert…
Team Fire STILL isn’t sure what they’re doing, and Dale and Lisa are progressing towards violence. Lisa is still insisting on Asian, she wants to knock Chef Ming’s ‘pants off’, which makes Stephanie a little jealous. After much debate, they decide on a spicy shrimp dish. Lisa finally gets on board, and Stephanie breathes a sigh of relief.
Spike is wandering around Whole Foods grumbling about Butternut Squash Soup and wanting to strangle Antonia and Zoi. He wonders aloud if they are going to “get screwed for only doing a carpaccio”. We shall soon see, Soup Boy!
All the cheftestants head over to the old Marshall Fields building, where the event will be held. Richard, as always, has appointed himself the Executive Chef of Team Water. Andrew makes a snide comment about this, but it’s a smart strategy for Andrew. He is teamed with Richard – who is a very strong chef – so chances are they might win. If they SUCK however, RICHARD will be responsible and will therefore go home. Andrew isn’t as stupid as he looks (or acts). He’s still a douchebag, but he’s not a dumbass.
Lisa is finally excited about Team Fire’s spicy prawns and bacon dish, and is in charge of the bacon. What’s up with lesbians and pork? Stephanie dreamily states that Lisa has a “nice method” of cooking bacon and I didn’t realize you needed a “method”. Lisa will create a glaze for the bacon which will give it a “gooey, sticky” flavor. This also sounds vaguely lesbianesque, but again I’m not sure.
Team Airhead has decided to do a duck breast salad – and Jen is in charge of the breasts. Natch.
Lisa is starting to turn into Andrew – with every other word out of her mouth being “fuck”. Some highlights: “Fuck me!”; “Motherfucker!”; and “Move your fucking equipment!”. Her method of cooking bacon obviously has a distinct verbal component.
Dale comments about how Lisa is so “negative” and at one point says she’s just being “normal Lisa”, but he might have said “Moana Lisa” – which I like better and will now use. Thanks Dale! Moana Lisa states that she “can be that bitch that everyone hates”. At this point she is WAY past the “can be” phase, and has moved to “IS that bitch that everyone hates”.
Chef Tom does his usual walk-through and discusses the various dishes with the various teams. Richard states the obvious by saying that having a “rapport with Tom is important”. Translation: “I must suck ass in order to win”. This is Richard’s “special method”. He tries joking with Chef Tom about cooking fish, blue aprons, and Jacuzzis, but Colicchio doesn’t even crack a smile. Tom is NOT a fan.
The big gala event begins. Here is judge Gail and her Boobies! Her breasteses will be guest judges #2 and #3. Those hooters are huge!
Normally cocky Richard, after having bombed during his comedy debut with Tom Colicchio, is suddenly nervous. Andrew and Mark keep asking their “Executive Chef” questions, but he suddenly doesn’t have any answers. Quick, get him a gadget! Smoke some African spices! Put something in a bag and boil it! Do something!!!
Andrew has found scales on some of the fish, and smartly asks if Richard if is “comfortable” sending it out. That Andrew is tricky! If they get penalized for scaly fish, Andrew can always say that Richard was comfortable serving it.
Time to eat. Team Water is indeed busted for fish scales. The judges LOVE Team Fire’s spicy shrimp, and Lisa is hitting on a sturdy waitress who’s name is undoubtedly “Loretta”. Padma can’t get enough of Lisa’s gooey bacon – which is a disgusting sentence that should be reworded, but I’m behind schedule as it is.
Team Airhead sends out their “Duck and a Drink”. Tom Colicchio HATES the current trend of sending out “little drinks” with a dish. I too prefer EXTRA LARGE drinks with every course. Tom and I should go to dinner sometime.
Team Earth’s Beef Carpaccio is bland. Very bland. Except for the fact that Gail and her Bazoombas tasted some inappropriate rosemary, it had no “earthy” taste. One of the dinner attendees (or maybe it was one of Gail’s breasts?) states that a member of Team Earth is “going home” tonight. Wow – tough crowd.
The judges do a little judging. They really likee Team Fire’s Spicy Shrimp with Bacon. They no likee the Salmon Scales Supreme, and the Bland Beef Carpaccio. Before the cheftestants leave the kitchen, Lisa burns the Team Fire sign for ‘good luck’, and Dale looks like he would like to set the Moana Lisa on fire.
Back at Top Chef headquarters, the cheftestants go on their usual drinking binge in the Glad storage room. Padma strolls in and asks to see Team Fire. Richard, who is not used to being on the bottom (yeah, right) looks like he wants HIMSELF sealed in a plastic bag and immersed in boiling water.
Team Fire (Stephanie, Dale, and Lisa) is congratulated for being the winning team. But there is a special surprise for our Fiery Trio. The overall winner of this challenge will win a trip for two to Italy! Ming Tsai announces that Moana Lisa is the overall winner, due to her gooey bacon. This pisses Dale off, who exclaims (in a separate interview) – “She made bacon! Are you kidding me!?!”. Now who’s being negative???
Team Water (Richard, Andrew, and Mark) are called in, along with Team Earth (Antonia, Zoi, and Spike). They are the two lowest teams. Gail and her Boobies demand to know who cleaned the fish from Team Water (answer: Richard). She comments about the scales that were left on much of the salmon, and Richard is shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, to hear this news! The judges also rag on the fish’s blah texture, Andrew’s repeated faux caviar, and Mark’s parsnips.
It’s time to get negative with Team Earth. Padma snottily asks Antonia if she tasted their dish with her “excellent palette”. Ouch. Antonia thought it tasted great (but she’s immune, so what does she care!?!). They find out that Zoi was responsible for the rosemary-flavored mushrooms, which apparently were a BIG problem. Global warming is NOTHING compared to Zoi’s mushrooms!
Spike says (again!) that he wanted to do … all together now … a Butternut Squash Soup! Ming says that would have been an EXCELLENT idea. In France, he says, the test for a good cook is “make me a soup”. So Spike now thinks he’s a genius. Great.
Everyone returns to the not-so-Glad room for more cocktails and negativity. Spike is vowing, in front of God and country, to make Butternut Squash Soup next time! We get it dude. Jen is trying to console Zoi, telling her – for the millionth time – that she’s an excellent chef. Someone is needy!
The bottom group is called back in, and we soon learn that Team Earth (Antonia, Zoi, and Spike) had the lowest score – with the judges and the diners. And apparently the main failure of this dish was the nasty mushrooms – which Zoi prepared.
Zoi, please pack your knives and go. She has been jacked one final time.
But that’s not the end. The losers walk back into the storage room, and Zoi says that she is going home. Jen: “What!?! Are you fucking kidding me?!?”. No more sneaky bathroom sex for you!! Jen is NOT happy!
After Zoi exits (to applause), the alcohol-dependent cheftestants continue binge drinking. Spike has suddenly grown a large set of “beer balls”, and starts ragging on Antonia for not letting him make…yes, you guessed it…Butternut Friggin Squash Friggin Soup! Antonia reminds him that she DID say she would do soup, if that’s what they really wanted. “It’s on Film!”, she yells – and I can see this going to Judy Judy or The People's Court.
Jen, who is pissed at Spike because Zoi is gone and Spike is still here, also starts yelling at Spike. She eventually throws a chair. Note: when lesbians start throwing chairs, it is time to go. Nothing good can come of this.
Dale tries to get in on the yelling (he’s grown a teeny tiny set of beer balls), and Lisa tries to get him to stay out of it. He uses this as his opportunity to vent his frustrations at Moana Lisa. Again, now who’s being a Negative Nancy!? He throws a tantrum like a spoiled 6-year-old for NO reason. Note to the little dillweed: your team won!
Things are getting heated, and the two remaining lesbians are ANGRY!. This is seriously what I wrote in my notebook:
There’s gonna be a lesbian SMACKDOWN up in here!!!!
But before you know it, the show ends without a punch… I wanted to see the lesbians beat the shit out of Dale and Spike!!!! This isn’t fair!!!!! We’ll have to wait for the next episode...
Next week: Spike and Mark make a cheap porno in a bubble bath. Ewwwww. Till then bitches!!
With that being said, last night’s episode begins with Antonia and Zoi still bitching about being in the bottom group during the last challenge. Zoi, in particular, is saying they got “jacked”, which must be some kind of lesbian code because I don’t know what it means. But "jacked", in this case, doesn’t sound good – maybe it’s like being “car-jacked”, or “hi-jacked”. I’m just guessing here because I don’t speak lesbianese.
Zoi’s gal Jen is also surprised that Zoi was “on the bottom” – which sounds like a personal matter and is none of our business. Jen says that Zoi is an “incredible chef”, and she’s “a fan” of Zoi’s, which certainly isn’t very romantic.
Time for the Quickfire Challenge. Padma is in the kitchen with Chef Ming Tsai, which immediately makes Lisa perk up. Lisa is “a fan” of Chef Tsai (although I didn’t think she swung that way). Ming is known for his “east meets west” cuisine, which is something that Lisa is apparently good at. Let’s hope she doesn’t get jacked during this challenge, whatever that means.
This week’s Quickfire is the annual “blindfold” taste test. Antonia is psyched, because this is her “favorite”! Top Chef does this every season, and Miss Thang is PREPARED. I bitch almost every week about cheftestants being unprepared (not knowing basic techniques or recipes, etc.) but someone has FINALLY showed some preparation. I’m starting to like our non-lesbian, non-mafia wife, non-douchebag Antonia. I guess you could say I’m a fan (although I DEFINITELY don’t swing that way).
Each chef is given 15 items to taste. For each item there are two samples – one high-end, and one cheap. Here are some highlights…
Ryan didn’t eat breakfast, which can inhibit learning and make you a dumbass. Andrew makes a comment about sucking blind, which I’m sure has something to do with Spike. Stephanie/Rachel Ray almost gagged on crab (it wasn’t Yummo!) – but she incorrectly skeeved the good stuff. Lesbian Lisa is “a little shaky” in the presence of Chef Ming – and is knocking over water bottles. Douchy Dale LOVES caviar, ESPECIALLY the cheap shit. Jen is extremely familiar with pork. And Antonia is ALL OVER this challenge – using a patented multi-finger/water-swishing method to insure victory. Wait, she’s NOT a lesbian, right?!?
In the end, Stephanie gagged, er, CHOKED – and came in last. Ryan and Jen did very well, but Antonia won this Quickfire. See bitches, PREPARATION PAYS! She literally pats herself on the back, and now has immunity.
Padma announces the Elimination Challenge this week: they will be preparing the first course for the annual Meals on Wheels Chicago Celebrity Chef’s Ball. They draw knives and separate into four teams – each team will represent one of the basic elements (fire, earth, water, air). They must use their element as inspiration in creating their dish.
Here are the teams:
Water: Richard, Andrew, Mark
Air: Nikki, Ryan, Jen
Earth: Antonia, Spike, Zoi
Fire: Dale, Lisa, Stephanie
The teams have 15 minutes to plan their menus and the cheftestants begin to brainstorm. Jen thinks Team Airhead should do some kind of bird dish, because birds fly in the air. I just hope they have some better ideas than that. MY “air” dish would revolve around marshmallow fluff. But then again I’m no expert…
Team Fire discusses their options, and Dale reveals his vast stupidity. He suggests a beef tartar dish, which is raw beef that hasn’t been near ANY fire. Then he does some truly ridiculous word association: “Fire?...Devil?...DEVILED EGGS!”. Yeah, nothing say’s FIRE like deviled eggs, you douchebag. Lisa isn’t having it – she is all about impressing Ming the Merciless and thinks they should do something Asian. Asian Dale doesn’t want to do Asian, due to obvious self-esteem issues. All Stephanie cares about is making sure her secret lesbian crush (Lisa) – who has a “strong personality” – gets along with Douchy Dale. Stephanie is one of Lisa’s biggest fans…
Spike and Antonia over at Team Earth are battling over their ideas. Spike is obsessed with Butternut Squash Soup, but Antonia hates the idea. Antonia likes the idea of a Beef Carpaccio dish – she doesn’t think soup will say “quality” – which she’s now the expert on since she won the blindfold taste test. I wonder how she did with the “Pepsi Challenge”?…
Antonia passively-aggressively says that she will make soup if that’s what Zoi and Spike really want – but she thinks it’s a horrible idea. And she has immunity, so she could give a shit. They decide on the carpaccio, but Spike isn’t really convinced. Zoi doesn’t seem to care one way or the other – obviously still upset by the whole “jacking” incident.
Time for shopping at Whole Foods. Each team has $500 and 45 minutes. Richard immediately goes to the fish counter and wants to know what’s fresh. He is all ‘pumped’ about his “fish cooked in water” idea, which sounds like simple poached fish to me. But he has decided to cook salmon in plastic vacuum bags, which Richard states is his “specialty”. I’m pretty sure he has a least a dozen “specialties” – which seems to defeat the purpose of actually having a specialty. But again, I’m no expert…
Team Fire STILL isn’t sure what they’re doing, and Dale and Lisa are progressing towards violence. Lisa is still insisting on Asian, she wants to knock Chef Ming’s ‘pants off’, which makes Stephanie a little jealous. After much debate, they decide on a spicy shrimp dish. Lisa finally gets on board, and Stephanie breathes a sigh of relief.
Spike is wandering around Whole Foods grumbling about Butternut Squash Soup and wanting to strangle Antonia and Zoi. He wonders aloud if they are going to “get screwed for only doing a carpaccio”. We shall soon see, Soup Boy!
All the cheftestants head over to the old Marshall Fields building, where the event will be held. Richard, as always, has appointed himself the Executive Chef of Team Water. Andrew makes a snide comment about this, but it’s a smart strategy for Andrew. He is teamed with Richard – who is a very strong chef – so chances are they might win. If they SUCK however, RICHARD will be responsible and will therefore go home. Andrew isn’t as stupid as he looks (or acts). He’s still a douchebag, but he’s not a dumbass.
Lisa is finally excited about Team Fire’s spicy prawns and bacon dish, and is in charge of the bacon. What’s up with lesbians and pork? Stephanie dreamily states that Lisa has a “nice method” of cooking bacon and I didn’t realize you needed a “method”. Lisa will create a glaze for the bacon which will give it a “gooey, sticky” flavor. This also sounds vaguely lesbianesque, but again I’m not sure.
Team Airhead has decided to do a duck breast salad – and Jen is in charge of the breasts. Natch.
Lisa is starting to turn into Andrew – with every other word out of her mouth being “fuck”. Some highlights: “Fuck me!”; “Motherfucker!”; and “Move your fucking equipment!”. Her method of cooking bacon obviously has a distinct verbal component.
Dale comments about how Lisa is so “negative” and at one point says she’s just being “normal Lisa”, but he might have said “Moana Lisa” – which I like better and will now use. Thanks Dale! Moana Lisa states that she “can be that bitch that everyone hates”. At this point she is WAY past the “can be” phase, and has moved to “IS that bitch that everyone hates”.
Chef Tom does his usual walk-through and discusses the various dishes with the various teams. Richard states the obvious by saying that having a “rapport with Tom is important”. Translation: “I must suck ass in order to win”. This is Richard’s “special method”. He tries joking with Chef Tom about cooking fish, blue aprons, and Jacuzzis, but Colicchio doesn’t even crack a smile. Tom is NOT a fan.
The big gala event begins. Here is judge Gail and her Boobies! Her breasteses will be guest judges #2 and #3. Those hooters are huge!
Normally cocky Richard, after having bombed during his comedy debut with Tom Colicchio, is suddenly nervous. Andrew and Mark keep asking their “Executive Chef” questions, but he suddenly doesn’t have any answers. Quick, get him a gadget! Smoke some African spices! Put something in a bag and boil it! Do something!!!
Andrew has found scales on some of the fish, and smartly asks if Richard if is “comfortable” sending it out. That Andrew is tricky! If they get penalized for scaly fish, Andrew can always say that Richard was comfortable serving it.
Time to eat. Team Water is indeed busted for fish scales. The judges LOVE Team Fire’s spicy shrimp, and Lisa is hitting on a sturdy waitress who’s name is undoubtedly “Loretta”. Padma can’t get enough of Lisa’s gooey bacon – which is a disgusting sentence that should be reworded, but I’m behind schedule as it is.
Team Airhead sends out their “Duck and a Drink”. Tom Colicchio HATES the current trend of sending out “little drinks” with a dish. I too prefer EXTRA LARGE drinks with every course. Tom and I should go to dinner sometime.
Team Earth’s Beef Carpaccio is bland. Very bland. Except for the fact that Gail and her Bazoombas tasted some inappropriate rosemary, it had no “earthy” taste. One of the dinner attendees (or maybe it was one of Gail’s breasts?) states that a member of Team Earth is “going home” tonight. Wow – tough crowd.
The judges do a little judging. They really likee Team Fire’s Spicy Shrimp with Bacon. They no likee the Salmon Scales Supreme, and the Bland Beef Carpaccio. Before the cheftestants leave the kitchen, Lisa burns the Team Fire sign for ‘good luck’, and Dale looks like he would like to set the Moana Lisa on fire.
Back at Top Chef headquarters, the cheftestants go on their usual drinking binge in the Glad storage room. Padma strolls in and asks to see Team Fire. Richard, who is not used to being on the bottom (yeah, right) looks like he wants HIMSELF sealed in a plastic bag and immersed in boiling water.
Team Fire (Stephanie, Dale, and Lisa) is congratulated for being the winning team. But there is a special surprise for our Fiery Trio. The overall winner of this challenge will win a trip for two to Italy! Ming Tsai announces that Moana Lisa is the overall winner, due to her gooey bacon. This pisses Dale off, who exclaims (in a separate interview) – “She made bacon! Are you kidding me!?!”. Now who’s being negative???
Team Water (Richard, Andrew, and Mark) are called in, along with Team Earth (Antonia, Zoi, and Spike). They are the two lowest teams. Gail and her Boobies demand to know who cleaned the fish from Team Water (answer: Richard). She comments about the scales that were left on much of the salmon, and Richard is shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, to hear this news! The judges also rag on the fish’s blah texture, Andrew’s repeated faux caviar, and Mark’s parsnips.
It’s time to get negative with Team Earth. Padma snottily asks Antonia if she tasted their dish with her “excellent palette”. Ouch. Antonia thought it tasted great (but she’s immune, so what does she care!?!). They find out that Zoi was responsible for the rosemary-flavored mushrooms, which apparently were a BIG problem. Global warming is NOTHING compared to Zoi’s mushrooms!
Spike says (again!) that he wanted to do … all together now … a Butternut Squash Soup! Ming says that would have been an EXCELLENT idea. In France, he says, the test for a good cook is “make me a soup”. So Spike now thinks he’s a genius. Great.
Everyone returns to the not-so-Glad room for more cocktails and negativity. Spike is vowing, in front of God and country, to make Butternut Squash Soup next time! We get it dude. Jen is trying to console Zoi, telling her – for the millionth time – that she’s an excellent chef. Someone is needy!
The bottom group is called back in, and we soon learn that Team Earth (Antonia, Zoi, and Spike) had the lowest score – with the judges and the diners. And apparently the main failure of this dish was the nasty mushrooms – which Zoi prepared.
Zoi, please pack your knives and go. She has been jacked one final time.
But that’s not the end. The losers walk back into the storage room, and Zoi says that she is going home. Jen: “What!?! Are you fucking kidding me?!?”. No more sneaky bathroom sex for you!! Jen is NOT happy!
After Zoi exits (to applause), the alcohol-dependent cheftestants continue binge drinking. Spike has suddenly grown a large set of “beer balls”, and starts ragging on Antonia for not letting him make…yes, you guessed it…Butternut Friggin Squash Friggin Soup! Antonia reminds him that she DID say she would do soup, if that’s what they really wanted. “It’s on Film!”, she yells – and I can see this going to Judy Judy or The People's Court.
Jen, who is pissed at Spike because Zoi is gone and Spike is still here, also starts yelling at Spike. She eventually throws a chair. Note: when lesbians start throwing chairs, it is time to go. Nothing good can come of this.
Dale tries to get in on the yelling (he’s grown a teeny tiny set of beer balls), and Lisa tries to get him to stay out of it. He uses this as his opportunity to vent his frustrations at Moana Lisa. Again, now who’s being a Negative Nancy!? He throws a tantrum like a spoiled 6-year-old for NO reason. Note to the little dillweed: your team won!
Things are getting heated, and the two remaining lesbians are ANGRY!. This is seriously what I wrote in my notebook:
There’s gonna be a lesbian SMACKDOWN up in here!!!!
But before you know it, the show ends without a punch… I wanted to see the lesbians beat the shit out of Dale and Spike!!!! This isn’t fair!!!!! We’ll have to wait for the next episode...
Next week: Spike and Mark make a cheap porno in a bubble bath. Ewwwww. Till then bitches!!
39 comments:
I had a bet going that one of the lez-b-friends would be going home this week, and I won! Since that carries no prize whatsoever, I'll move on....
Andrew really surprised me with his sneaky-smart douchebaggery this time. When he was criticized for his faux caviar, he seemed to actually listen to the criticism and take it seriously. And while Spike was accused of sandbaggging Antonia in the post-result slap-down, she should've kept out of the decision-making process. Apparently she doesn't know the rules of reality-showdom: Once you have immunity, you actually try to screw people to get rid of someone you don't like (i.e. Spike). Instead, Zoi gets sent home and all the women get pissy about it. They were surprised? Really? Because she was cooking crap for weeks, so it shouldn't have been a shock to anyone that Miss Bland-on-a-Plate got sent home. I wonder if Dale would've been so bent out of shape if Stephanie had won the prize instead (because it certainly wasn't going to go to sauce-boy)?
Great recap, and I agree with you about Bravo being really stupid about their schedule, because I was up really late trying to watch the show.
Excellent job, and I too was looking for that lesbian throw-down! Frankly, either Douchy-Dale or Dillweed-Spike could have been on the receiving end of it, but thought it had to be Douchy-Dale since he was thinking in advance and protecting his testicles.
Oddly enough, I am looking forward to the cheap porn, 'cause this show needs some sort of pick-me-up if they aren't going to let the lesbians beat the crap out of stupid boys.
This is my first season watching Top Chef, due to my loathing of Ryan Scott. Once he is eliminated, I might stay on to watch Judge Tom though. Notice how Judge Tom wears a blue chef’s coat to bring out his eyes? He also is a lefty with some horrid southpaw table manners. Did you see how he held his folk? He ate like he was in a prison canteen. I was quite shocked, because he comes off as so polished. Pima Padma puts me to sleep. Enough already with showing off your ugly arm scar! We get it! You have a scar to display how valiantly you survived a car accident and to live another day. Can you go buy a personality now?
After poking in my pins on my Ryan Scott doll, I made a few observations. Ryan and Nikki are INCREDIBLY lucky! They always end up with easy stuff and in the piss ass middle of every challenge. No judge ever hates or loves anything they do in teams. I need more pins for my Ryan Voodoo doll. This is the same guy who in our plated deserts class put green tea gelato with fried cheese! He never quite grasped the concept of sweet versus savory. We use to make fun of him and say, “I just love your poached salmon ice cream, Ryan!” He used to get mad and stop away to complain to our chef/professor. He was such a royal ass licker.
Maybe I am imagining this, but is personality what this show is all about? Spike was bad last week and this week too yet he gets to stay. Manny and Zoi are just personality zeros from what I can tell and that’s why they got chucked. Only Padma can be personality less on this show. This does not bode well for Antonia and Stephanie.
Richard did worse than Zoi by chef’s standards. If any chef served fish with scales, he or she would be FIRED by the end of the night. A person can die from eating those. It’s comparable to serving a half live lobster or leaving feathers on a chicken. He was actually the worse of the night, but he has a fake Mohawk!
From what I can tell of this show, Dale seems to be the favored winner. He has the talent and asshole personality this show seems to favor. The judges seem to like Stephanie, but she will never be on the Food Network with her own show. Wretched Ray she is not. My bets are on Dale, Andrew, and Lisa going down to the final three.
Sailor - Congrats on your bet. I remember you said "week 5" - and you were right. Please send me some lotto numbers.
Darling Howard - I too am looking forward to cheap porn. It's SO sad how pitiful my life is...
Mary - very astute observations! And as I said before, I love that you are able to confirm that Ryan is truly a dumbass.
I have to dig up some dirt I read on Dale. Apparently he is absolutely HATED at Buddakhan (where he presently works, I think). After the first 5 episodes of Top Chef, I can see why. I CERTAINLY hope he doesn't win.
am i alone in feeling sad that zoi left? i thought she was the most down-to-earth cheftestant...she even made me lol a little when she was talking about her pasta salad a few eps ago.
BUT - now jen and zoi are LONG DISTANCE! and jen needs comforting...
totes agree that richard is all smoke and mirrors (i mean that hair just screams I AM TRYING VERY HARD) and the fish scales should have sent him home. but tom likee richard...
also i think antonia is my fave. ok bye.
You're so right - it was awesome to see Richard's crestfallen face when Tom just smirked and sneered in response to the ass-kissing! Nice recap, too!
Yeah, I heard Dale is a complete dick, but he can cook! You can be an asshole as long as you have the talent. Ryan is an asshole with no talent. Did you read what chefs Rocco, Bayless and Daniel said about Ryan on Bravo? They were pretty harsh and I don’t believe I am the only one with a Ryan voodoo doll. Actually, his fellow classmates all have them. Dale is hated at his job, but they do admit he has talent. Try to find a good reference for Ryan? His parents’ Burger King joints don’t count. Ryan was fired from Boulevard, Gary Danko’s, and was ready to be axed from Café Myth, which is not that great of a restaurant. Dale has much better references.
I'm putting Spike up for the Howie Memorial Team Killer award for the cheftestant most likely to have his/her team end up in the loser half of judges table.
Bye Bye Zoi
What, no lesbian SMACKDOWN? We got jacked!
And I guess I'm a non-lesbian because I didn't even notice guest judges #2 and #3, yet you did. Hummmm
I thought Richard was going to cry in the loser line-up. He got lucky because that fish scales fiasco was the worst! Maybe he hasn't used all his gadgets yet or something. Weird.
Do we predict that Moana Lisa (love your nicknames for the cheftestants) will take Stephanie with her to Italy? Or maybe Jen will branch out now that Zoi is gone.
Dale reminds me of Hung in many ways. His mini-tantrum was strange. I'm glad to get the scoop on him and Ryan. How good for us that Mary knew him.
David, another gem of a recap! How wonderful are you anyway! I always think about you while I'm watching Top Chef and wondering how you'll write about it and if you see things the same way I do. You exceed my expectations. Your recap makes it even more fun.
Now I can do that with Stand Up and Dance now, too.
Mwah!
omg...I laughed at...everything! "Lesbianese" and your air dish revolving around marshmallow fluff expecially.
I wish I could be as funny without pictures. :)
xoxoxo
la minx
I MISSED Top chef last night!!! I know...what the hell kind of dust bunny am I, right? But you made me feel as if I was right in the kitchen with them..Way to go Tranny!
I can't belive the "Oompa Loompa" guy i still there!! WTH?! I think Richard is going to win, don't you? He just looks like a winner to me....No I am SO not crushing on him. I do not go that way!!! HA! I just spelled TWAT by mistake!! OOPS!!
I freakin LOVE you Tranny!
As usual love your recap!!!
Do you watch Big Brother?
James finally got voted off. I saw a photo of his gay porn video. You must check out his package. It is very large.
Couldn't be more pleased with Zoi getting the boot. Everytime she faced elimination at the judge's table (which was just about every single week, Ms. Pasta Salad) she cried 'woe is me' and acted like the world was out to get her. Meanwhile her apologist lesbian boyfriend Jenn acts surprised every time. Reality check, the only reason that jacked hack Zoi was on the show in the first place was for the couple gimmick. The nerve of Jenn for immediately going after Spike (who has actually shown some talent) was great cathartic fun.
Such a fun recap David. I loved it. I was so mad that it ended. man it could have been 2 hours. Let the fight go on!
Once again, a great recap. Mr. Fish Scales should have gone home. Can you imagine getting served a piece of fish with scales? I wouldn't eat it. Those rosemary mushrooms must have been really bad. LOL
OK Dust Bunnies, we have a lot to go over here - so listen up!
Joe - Antonia is moving up in my book. And although I’m not going to jump off a cliff because Zoi left, she was definitely more likeable than some of these idiots.
Iko - Thanks. Yes, it was time for Richard’s bubble to burst a little.
Mary Anne - I didn’t read what the other chefs said about Ryan - but I can imagine.
Blake - Spike is TOTALLY this season’s Howie!
Psychomom - I have talked about this before: GAY MEN LOVE THE BOOBIES!! That’s why some quee ns do drag - TO HAVE THE BOOBIES! I think it’s because we all have ‘mother issues’ - except ME, of course. My mom and I have NO issues - right Mom?!? Seriously - absolutely NO ISSUES. NONE...
Joy - Thank you my darling. And yes, as other bloggers have stated - in the real world, fish scales are a BIG DEAL, and Richard should have gone home. Look for my Step it up and Dance recap sometime over the weekend.
Minxi Darling - I wish I could be as funny without words. :) Have fun this weekend!
TrannyBeth - You are slacking in your 'Empress of the Dust Bunnies' duties. But then again, if I was married to that hunky husband of yours, I wouldn’t have any time to watch TV either! Love you more!!
Eileen - Darling, if there are pictures of something LONG and DANGLING on the interwebz, I am the FIRST to know about it. In fact, I blogged about it when Big Brother first started this season. I watch Big Brother every once in awhile, but all they do is sit around and whine. At least on Top Chef , SIUaD, and Project Runway, these people are there because they have some kind of SKILL. And THEN they sit around and whine…
Steve and Des - I agree, Zoi was there as the weak half of the lesbian couple “gimmick”. But I have NO respect for Spike whatsoever.
Dear Kwana - I wanted those Lezzies to BRANG IT!! Seriously, I wanted to see blood, but they cut us off!
Timmy - this "mushroom problem" is so serious that Al Gore is starting a new slide presentation...
Quick! Get him a gadget! and the discussion of Gail's charitable endowment were top-notch. Good stuff, and thanks for commenting on my recap. A little cross-promotion never hurt anybody.
thebookpolice.blogspot.com ; )
Hi!
somehow you found my blog and commented on "Step it up and Dance" my new guilty pleasure. :-)
So I thought I'd post on your blog! I don't know you and I'm new to this blogging thing, but am enjoying myself so far. I haven't watched Top Chef yet, but I think I will . . .
Dearest Amy - Welcome! You MUST watch Top Chef - then read my recaps - and then tell me how fabulously witty I am. That's the way shit works around here.
Seriously - you are officially a Dust Bunny, so come back (and comment) often! And look for my SIUaD recap sometime over the weekend...
XOXOXO
Kyle - thanks for YOUR comment. And thank you for confirming the fact that Gail actually HAS boobies. After Psychmom's comment, I was begining to wonder if I just made that part up...
David, if you want to hear the horrible things about the chefs, you should read the Bravo blogs. Rocco, with his new eyes, is quite cruel to Ryan so he is my new favorite celeb chef. He can leave the scales on his fish. The guest chefs are quite frank. I read about Dale on Aunser Batch (sp) and on a Chicago blog. I was looking for places to vent my loathing of Ryan, but could only find Dale haters.
BTW, Stephanie surprised me with how badly she screwed up the blindfold test. The crab should have been easy by the texture. I saw that on the TV. She only got six out of fifteen and that is pretty bad for a "professional" chef.
Don't want to rain on any Zoi fan's parade, but she freely admitted she is not a classically trained chef. She would not be able to go too far with the guest chefs with that, but hey what do I know. I would never let a fish go out with scales!
Hey, just thought I'd drop by and say thanks for the comment and I'm enjoying your recaps.
As to the whole lesbian-couple drama, eh, I don't know... Zoi isn't any weaker a cook than some of the other people we've seen on the show. I suspect she's someone that doesn't do well with a time crunch in terms of creativity, which obviously is the kiss of death on the show but isn't necessarily an indication of lack of talent. Some people are better planners than improvisers.
Of course, Bravo being Bravo, they obviously played the whole lesbian relationship up as much as possible (I sometimes think the only reason they came up with a dance show was to find a way to include more gay guys in their programming), but I don't think the couple aspect was the only reason she was chosen.
I soo can not wait until next week. Nothing like a lesbo scorned to make things more interesting. And WTF are those two doing in the tub?
Dust Bunny reporting for duty here... thank you once again for the recap. And I've past your reviews along to some freinds of mine who are Top Chef fans. As for SIUaD, I don't know if I can get through it. I read your review of the first one so I thought I'd give it a go, and fell asleep last night through both episodes... :-/
I wish Step Up and Dance was called "Shut Up and Dance" instead. Mostly b/c I got pretty tipsy watching Top Chef Wednesday night and that's what came out of my mouth. I think it's more appropriate.
Great recap! It was certainly an action packed episode! I didn't necessarily think that Zoi was a bad chef. I just couldn't stand her bratty attitude. Lisa was definitely acting like a bitch, but I could understand that more, because she felt she had no control over the situation. I think that Spike is the one that I dislike the most. He is just the biggest jerk! I actually like Dale. And, I kind of feel sorry for Richard. He reminds me of the geeky kid in class who always tried too hard.
"Spike is TOTALLY this season’s Howie!"
I agree in the "his team will always lose" aspect, but that sweaty bulldog had some heart.
I just friggin' hate Spike. What a douche.
David, your reviews are STILL awesome. I'm officially retiring.
Dale comments about how Lisa is so “negative”
Because Dale is such a ray of fucking sunshine.
I love "Moana Lisa". I wish I had thought of it first.
It's nice to see I'm not the only person who hates Spike :D still, I was happy to see the Zo-meistress go. Would have rather seen Spike kicked out, but if I can't have that, this is the next best thing. The two of them - nay, half the cast - is quite insufferable.
Glad that Zoi got the boot, it was time. Your recaps are almost -almost! - better than the show itself!
Dale's major asshat, and Spike is starting to reveal his limited abilities. He shoulda tried out for Hell's Kitchen, home of the McHack.
I think you've got the wrong info on Dale about him being hated at Buddakan..I personally know that's not true since i work there..
Thanks Mary Ann for saying you can be the biggest douche as long as you can cook...let him be a douche as long as he can back it up with his cooking...
I love Spike's righteous anger about the carpaccio v. butternut squash soup. As Ted Allen pointed out, they didn't end up in the bottom for making the wrong dish but because they did a bad job making it. And everyone seemed to agree Zoi's mushrooms weren't seasoned well... She kind of seemed to be over the competition anyway. I also feel like maybe Spike was partly saved from elimination last week because the producer's feel like viwers think he's cute and decided they better keep him around longer.
oh one more thing. the last two top chefs were total douchebags -- Hung and Ilan -- so maybe that's what they're looking for...
So my comment is a bit delayed; I had to regain my composure first! (ok, & clean up the beer that came out of my nose...) You are the BEST part of watching this mess!
Note to Top Chef Execs: Consider a "need not apply" clause in your application process. To wit: If you cannot tell the diff b/t CRAB & KRAB (the imitation SHIT we in Louisiana like to call "K-rab") you NEED NOT APPLY! [ahem, Stephie!]
Jen's constant "reassurance" to Zoi was disturbing at best..even JEN seemed to think so there in the (not-so-)GLAD room; did anyone else pick up on that?! [Jento Zoi:It's OKAY..REALLY, it's OKAY!]
And any guess as to why Zoi was only upset w/ Spike? I mean I know Antonia had immunity & Zoi wanted a scapegoat for her LesBLANDian chica in the WORST way, but why did Antonia not also incur Zoi's wrath for sticking her already-covered-ass into the menu decision that ultimately screwed them? Why only Spike? Curious, I am.
Finally, even though I find Moana Lisa (which is what caused said beer thru nose, btw)COMPLETELY annoying this episode & Zoi's tirade completely pathetic (in a meltdown-just-bc-my-lesblandian-is-gone kind of way), I am still secretly hoping they buck up in the not-so-GLAD storage "arena" & kick some tiny beer ball ass on Dave! (mostly for your recap of such an event!)
Keep 'em comin!
oops- keep mixing zoi & jen up..jen looked more like a zoi to me & vice versa. Whatever.
Somehow I missed this recap the other week! What was I doing?!?!
Must have been tax season, and now that it is over I can devote more time to Top Chef, and blogging.
As always, your recaps are the best part of Top Chef, and I love the witty humor in them.
Thanks for taking the time to share them with us all!!
Michelle
www.atammcreation.blogspot.com
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