Top Haircut - Episode Three - We Get It Girl, You're MARRIED...

Last week's Top Haircut was all about Ho's – Orange County Ho's, Pocket Ho's, and a cranky Ho named Tabatha. Charlie (Gay Ho from Hell) won, and Parker was sent HOme for his hairdo 'HO-mage' to Cher. What? Too much with the "Ho" thing??? See my Episode Two recap here.

It's new day on Shear Genius, and the salontestants are greeted by host Jaclyn Smith. She congratulates Charlie on his win. Every time Jaclyn says "Charlie", I always expect to hear John Forsyth's voice on a speaker phone – talking to his "Angels". And for Kate Jackson to give the other two broads an annoyed look for being dumb bitches.

The Shortcut Challenge clients enter, and Jaclyn says "ladies, let it loose". I am instantly terrified – as much as I appreciate the boobies, I certainly don't need to see 20 of them right now. But it turns out the "clients" all have long hair (ranging from over the shoulder, to dragging on the floor) and THAT'S what they "let loose". The salontestants freak out. I'm just glad it's hair and not boobies.

Their challenge will be to create an interesting and structurally complicated hairstyle. Sounds simple enough, right? Wrong. They must use one accessory (handbag?, belt?). And they can't do a simple ponytail or bun. Oh, and they can't cut ANY hair off these hippie freaks. And they have to include "at least fifteen pieces of flair". And they get extra points if they can incorporate live animals (monkeys and songbirds are best) into these nappy messes. Okay, I made up the last two. Regardless, this ain’t going to be easy.

Campbell McCauley is the guest judge. He is responsible for Cameron Diaz and Christina Aguilera's hair. I CERTAINLY hope he didn't create this mess:

Since this is a "long hair" challenge, a BETTER guest judge would be the southern-fried Queen responsible for country legend Crystal Gayle's hair:


Meredith, my new favorite salontestant, gets the "client" with the 5 ½ foot-long hair. Meredith suddenly gets a visit from the Holy Spirit, and prays: "My Lord Jesus, I'm so sorry for my sins…" She asks 'Cousin It' how long she's been growing her hair. "First Grade", 'Client It' responds. "Jesus!", Meredith reacts. Bad hair can bring out the religious radical in a gal. Meredith has to literally use her FEET to help style Miss Rapunzel. I'm sorry, but I don't want no feets up in my 'do. Foreals.

"Straight" Matt has decided to do a "headdress of curls", while weaving a pearl necklace in his client's up-do. Because nothing says masculinity like headdresses and pearls – and hairdressing. LesbiDee is TOTALLY mackin' on Nekisa – saying she really "connects" with her, and besides, Nekisa "looks hot". Slow down there, Rosie. But Dee realizes that Nekisa sucks ass and won't be in the competition for long – so she needs to make her move soon.

Campbell does his judging, and sure enough – Nekisa loses. She didn't have time to incorporate the accessory (or pieces of flair, or monkey) into her client's hair. Nekisa is "not cool under pressure", she admits. Wait until LesbiDee makes her move – talk about pressure!

"Straight" Matt's extremely masculine "headdress" with the pearl necklace is the winner. He will get first pick of client for the Elimination Challenge, and will get to pick the order in which the other salontestants will select. Matt gives a little acceptance speech, in which he mentions his "wife". This is the first of about 2,000 mentions of said "wife" in this one episode alone. Knowing Bravo's blatant use of product placement, I was waiting for a promo for Bravo's new show "Straight Matt and His Wife – Adventures in Texas Hairdressing". But apparently it wasn't Bravo – it was just Matt making sure we ALL knew that he had a "wife". I've made a mental note honey – calm down.

Matt is now target #1 for ass-kissing, since he will determine in which order the others will select their clients. The salontestants return to the residence and break out the cheap vodka and plastic cups. Matt goes to bed, which freaks everyone out. "Wait, he CAN'T go to bed - we haven't even BEGUN to insert our noses up his butt yet!" Drunk Meredith (did I mention she's growing on me?) drags him back downstairs and proposes a toast in his honor. "This is not a suck-up", Meredith slurs, "This is a genuine, genuine ... suck up". Remind me NOT to ask Meredith give a toast at my wedding reception. You know, when Franky G and I get married. What??? It could happen!

After a night of suckuppery, it's a new day in the Shear Genius Salon. René Steak Frites is there, murdering the English Language ("Engwish Wangwuage"). If Elmer Fudd were gay and from Denmark, this is exactly what he would sound like. René Fudd tells the salontestants that their Elimination Challenge will be all about "Wed Cawpet Gwamour Her". In English, that's "Red Carpet Glamour Hair". I'm hunting Wabbits!

René shows them their "clients", which are actually dresses. They will pick the dresses first, and THEN get to see their actual models. Matt gets to pick first, and of course has to select the dress that would look best on his WIFE(!). And for good measure, Miss Thing announces to the world that he is INDEED "happily married". Note to Matt: NO ONE IS TRYING TO GET WITH YOU - man OR woman. Chill out, Mary!

Matt lets Paulo select next. ScruffyGay Paulo is a consistent bottom-dweller, so Miss Matt must have her THINKING HEADDRESS (with pearls) on this morning! Matt selects Glenn last, because the two can't stand each other. You know she called him a "nelly fag" when the cameras weren't rolling, prompting Matt's hatred.

The actual women arrive, and they have two hours to "shake it" (which I STILL don't get). The camera focuses for a moment on Matt, who tells us, once again, about the simple black dress he selected because it would look good on his - all together now - BOYFRIEND! Oh, sorry, I mean WIFE! He asks his client if her hair curls easily. She says "no", in fact - it doesn't curl at all. He proceeds to go with curls anyway, because a REAL MAN can get ANY hair to curl! Matt also starts taunting Charlie, calling him a bitch. Because that's what straight guys do - tease and call the other boys "girlfriend" and "bitch". Locker rooms catfights can be vicious! Me-ow!!

Charlie, who gives it right back to Matt ("only if you're rough with me Baby!") is planning a 48-stage hairdo that would normally take 15 hours and a staff of 10. But of course he's going to get it done, alone, in two hours. And you KNOW he's going to win. Charlie even yells at René Steak Frites, telling him to stop talking Euro-gay-gibberish and let him get his hair extravaganza finished!

Lady Daniel Bird Johnson, after he "wet himself" over the Orange County Ho's, is trying to do his best, because he might meet another "celebrity". His name needs to be placed in some kind of Celebrity Stalker Database - he's just a little too anxious to meet famous people.

René Steak Frites exclaims "Won Minutes Weft!", which I'm assuming means they only have one more minute to work. It's time for the Hair Show, bitches!

For a change of scenery, the Hair Show is held outside, where the salontestant's "models" will exit from a limo (clown-car style), and walk the red carpet. Guest Judges this week are famed Hair Stylist Marc Townsend (who looks like a stockbroker but sounds gayer than Liberace), and Days of our Lives actress Alison Sweeney. After all, nothing says "Wed Cawpet Gwamour" like the Soap Opera Digest Awards.

All ten models strut their stuff, and Jaclyn announces that Meredith, Dee, Nekisa, and Daniel Bird Johnson are safe. They go to the backroom, where Dee can start making moves on Nekisa.

The judges judge the various hairdo's and hair don’ts - and this is how it breaks down. They really likee Glenn's "polished" look, Charlie's "flawless" design, and Gail's "elegant" creation. "Flawless" Charlie wins. Ever humble, he exclaims "I rocked the shit out of the color ... OKAY?!?". Girl's getting ghetto up in this piece. You won bitch - stop instigating!

The bottom three were Paulo ("Princess Leia on Crystal Meth"), Nicole ("Asian Bridezilla") and Straight Matt ("My Pretty Gay Pony". After much deliberation, it is determined that Matt is going home.

"Good, thank you", he tells the judges. You see, Matt's been missing his WIFE. In fact, he says he's "happy to lose", so he can go home to his WIFE. It was lonely there without his WIFE. Did he mention that he is MARRIED, and has a WIFE?!? He did??? Well, please know, HE LOVES HIS WIFE.

Guess what Matt? Senator Larry "Wide Stance" Craig loves his "wife" also...among other things...



Next week: It's SABOTAGE!! Till then bitches!!!!!