Top Haircut - Episode Two - Who ARE All These Bitches?

On last week's episode, "Oshun got washed out" - his words, not mine - and Daniel won the Elimination Challenge. And again, I must remind you that I did NOT watch Shear Genius last season - so this is still a learning experience for me. Please excuse me if I don't understand all the customs, traditions, and personalities of Top Haircut.

It’s a new day, and we see morning in Los Angeles - SMOG ALERT!! Host Jaclyn Smith and mush-mouthed mentor René Steak Frites are in the Salon with the salontestants. They announce that Daniel, as the winner of the last challenge, gets to be on something called the Allure "Wall of Fame", which looks remarkably similar to the Arby's "Employee of the Month" display. But Daniel is "truly, truly, truly" amazed to be up on this wall (that's THREE "trulys"), so we should let him have his moment.

Jaclyn tells the salontestants that their Shortcut Challenge this week will be taking long hair and making it short. Okay, I know I'm new here, but isn't that the entire philosophy behind the haircut? I guess I still have a lot to learn.

In addition to having immunity, Daniel will also be able to pick his client first, and then select the order in which the others with pick their clients. After Daniel selects, he lets kinda-cute Parker pick next (Daniel obviously wants a piece). ScruffyGay Paulo is made to pick last (Daniel obviously already HAD a piece).

Jaclyn tells them to "shake it!" - and all I can think of is how much I DON'T want my Barber "shaking it" when he has the scissors near my ear. The bitches get to cutting.

Nekisa immediately starts dissing her client for dying her hair too much, including literally slapping her client's wrist. René Steak Frites walks around talking gibberish and giving us gayface. LesbiDee has decided she wants "bad ass haircutter" Nicole to go home. Lesbians can be mean.

Jaclyn comes back into the salon and tells everyone to stop - the Guest Judge is finally here (traffic in L.A. can be a bitch!). Some cranky broad named Tabatha enters (no last name – like Cher). Tabatha is apparently known for NOT winning last season and for being a bitch. She too has a funny accent. I'm glad that at least Jaclyn speaks American - like the Good Lord intended.

The salontestants seem genuinely frightened of Tabatha, and we soon see why. She is ONE.EVIL.BIATCH. She basically walks around and tells everyone how much they suck and what they're doing wrong. Wait, correct me if I'm wrong, but this Ho was NOT named Shear Genius last season, correct? She's pretty damn judgmental, considering she's a loser. I'm just waiting for her to say: "I don't care if you have to cry and cut, but you have to CRY AND CUT". Lesbians can be mean!

The Shortcut challenge is over, and everyone lines up with their clients. Tabatha slings the stank to each salontestant - one by one. When all is said and done, ScruffyGay Paulo and Nekisa are the bottom two. You could tell they were going to be on the bottom because Tabatha fought with both of them the longest. Nekisa is the loser. Charlie is announced to be the winner. Why does Charlie’s voice today sound like Bea Arthur after a bottle of Scotch and three packs of Benson & Hedges?

The next morning, the salontestants awake to find a bowl of numbered oranges in their kitchen. Charlie hopes their challenge WON'T involve the Real Housewives of Orange County, because he's already talked shit about them. And we're only half-way through the SECOND episode. Charlie's not wasting any time. Glenn, on the other hand, thinks they might be going to an Orange County correctional facility. I'm with Glenn, I'd MUCH rather deal with inmates than those Orange County Ho's. But then again, I have a weakness for men behind bars.

They return to the salon, and René Steak Frites mumbles their challenge. Something about haircuts...that's all I got. He tells everyone to go meet their clients.

They will indeed be styling the UnReal Housewives of Orange County (and their daughters). Why are the daughters there? Weren't there enough Housewives to go around? It seems to me that there would be AT LEAST eleven plastic Orange County bitches willing to be on television. Again, I have to apologize, because I never watched the Housewives either. Wait, I didn’t know Wynonna Judd had a twin sister?? And Daniel, who was described by the boys at Project Rungay as a cute blond boy with Lady Bird Johnson's voice - is losing his mind. Apparently Lady Bird is "a fan". So much of a fan, that when someone named Laurie got married, he got dressed up, ate canapés, and cried. They have people you can talk to for stuff like this Daniel. Seriously, you need help.

The salontestants and Ho’s match up using a complicated numbered orange system that I won’t go into here. No one seems to want the Ho named Vicki – she’s a handful. Daniel is still stalking Laurie and wants to pet her and put her in his pocket (a POCKET HO!). Laurie’s attorneys are filing restraining orders with the proper authorities as we speak.

It seems that we are going to have a battle this season with NiceGay Daniel, and EvilGay Charlie. Charlie is definitely angling for an Omarosa-esque career after the show is over. Since Charlie won the Shortcut Challenge – he can switch with someone. He switches up with Daniel – who seems upset. Go pet Laurie, that should make you feel better.

The salontestants start serving Champagne to the Ho’s to calm them down and keep them in line. Good plan. Vicki won’t stay in her chair. Parker is clueless about color – he just cuts hair all day. Bravo Reality Show Pet Peeve #1: Bitches who come on Project Runway that are clueless about menswear, bitches on Top Chef who can’t make dessert, and bitches on Top Haircut that can’t do color. Mama Bunny has been coloring her own hair for 30 years – it can’t be that hard!! Red, in case you’re wondering (her natural color).

They manage to do their thing to the Ho’s/Daughter – and it’s time for the Hair Show. Seriously, that’s the BEST tag line on Bravo. WAY better than “One day you’re in, and the next day, YOU’RE OUT”. The judges are “Master Colorist” Lippy Kim Vo, Kelly from Allure, and Tabatha from Hell.

Ho’s and Daughters walk the runway and do a little “flip” with the back of their hair. The only emotion that registers on Tabatha’s face is stank. There is NOTHING registering on Jaclyn and Kim’s faces – Botox will do that to a gal/tranny.

After the Hair Show, the salontestants go to the “Break Room” (classy!) to worry. They are called back out for the judges’ decision.

On top, we have Glenn, Dee, and Charlie. Charlie is the winner, and vows to keep his “shit tight” for the next challenge. Which would definitely give Charlie the advantage if they go to that correctional facility. Charlie has immunity for the next challenge.

On the bottom, we have Paulo, Gail, and Parker. When they announce the bottom three, NiceGay Daniel Bird Johnson starts to cry – because he loves everyone, and everyone is love. Charlie counters with “the Oscars are ovah Baby.” Snarky is just AWFUL, isn’t it? I’m so glad I’m not that way…

Parker (who’s own hair looked like HELL, by the way) is sent home because he can’t sew menswear. No, I’m sorry, he was sent home because of his lack of dessert knowledge. Or maybe it was because Bitch is a hairdresser who doesn’t know how to do color. Whichever the case may be – if you don’t prepare, you go home.

Next week: Charlie yells at René Steak Frites, and there are Drunken Prom Queens. Till then bitches!!!!