Thursday, July 3, 2008

Top Haircut - Episode Two - Who ARE All These Bitches?

On last week's episode, "Oshun got washed out" - his words, not mine - and Daniel won the Elimination Challenge. And again, I must remind you that I did NOT watch Shear Genius last season - so this is still a learning experience for me. Please excuse me if I don't understand all the customs, traditions, and personalities of Top Haircut.

It’s a new day, and we see morning in Los Angeles - SMOG ALERT!! Host Jaclyn Smith and mush-mouthed mentor René Steak Frites are in the Salon with the salontestants. They announce that Daniel, as the winner of the last challenge, gets to be on something called the Allure "Wall of Fame", which looks remarkably similar to the Arby's "Employee of the Month" display. But Daniel is "truly, truly, truly" amazed to be up on this wall (that's THREE "trulys"), so we should let him have his moment.

Jaclyn tells the salontestants that their Shortcut Challenge this week will be taking long hair and making it short. Okay, I know I'm new here, but isn't that the entire philosophy behind the haircut? I guess I still have a lot to learn.

In addition to having immunity, Daniel will also be able to pick his client first, and then select the order in which the others with pick their clients. After Daniel selects, he lets kinda-cute Parker pick next (Daniel obviously wants a piece). ScruffyGay Paulo is made to pick last (Daniel obviously already HAD a piece).

Jaclyn tells them to "shake it!" - and all I can think of is how much I DON'T want my Barber "shaking it" when he has the scissors near my ear. The bitches get to cutting.

Nekisa immediately starts dissing her client for dying her hair too much, including literally slapping her client's wrist. René Steak Frites walks around talking gibberish and giving us gayface. LesbiDee has decided she wants "bad ass haircutter" Nicole to go home. Lesbians can be mean.

Jaclyn comes back into the salon and tells everyone to stop - the Guest Judge is finally here (traffic in L.A. can be a bitch!). Some cranky broad named Tabatha enters (no last name – like Cher). Tabatha is apparently known for NOT winning last season and for being a bitch. She too has a funny accent. I'm glad that at least Jaclyn speaks American - like the Good Lord intended.

The salontestants seem genuinely frightened of Tabatha, and we soon see why. She is ONE.EVIL.BIATCH. She basically walks around and tells everyone how much they suck and what they're doing wrong. Wait, correct me if I'm wrong, but this Ho was NOT named Shear Genius last season, correct? She's pretty damn judgmental, considering she's a loser. I'm just waiting for her to say: "I don't care if you have to cry and cut, but you have to CRY AND CUT". Lesbians can be mean!

The Shortcut challenge is over, and everyone lines up with their clients. Tabatha slings the stank to each salontestant - one by one. When all is said and done, ScruffyGay Paulo and Nekisa are the bottom two. You could tell they were going to be on the bottom because Tabatha fought with both of them the longest. Nekisa is the loser. Charlie is announced to be the winner. Why does Charlie’s voice today sound like Bea Arthur after a bottle of Scotch and three packs of Benson & Hedges?

The next morning, the salontestants awake to find a bowl of numbered oranges in their kitchen. Charlie hopes their challenge WON'T involve the Real Housewives of Orange County, because he's already talked shit about them. And we're only half-way through the SECOND episode. Charlie's not wasting any time. Glenn, on the other hand, thinks they might be going to an Orange County correctional facility. I'm with Glenn, I'd MUCH rather deal with inmates than those Orange County Ho's. But then again, I have a weakness for men behind bars.

They return to the salon, and René Steak Frites mumbles their challenge. Something about haircuts...that's all I got. He tells everyone to go meet their clients.

They will indeed be styling the UnReal Housewives of Orange County (and their daughters). Why are the daughters there? Weren't there enough Housewives to go around? It seems to me that there would be AT LEAST eleven plastic Orange County bitches willing to be on television. Again, I have to apologize, because I never watched the Housewives either. Wait, I didn’t know Wynonna Judd had a twin sister?? And Daniel, who was described by the boys at Project Rungay as a cute blond boy with Lady Bird Johnson's voice - is losing his mind. Apparently Lady Bird is "a fan". So much of a fan, that when someone named Laurie got married, he got dressed up, ate canapés, and cried. They have people you can talk to for stuff like this Daniel. Seriously, you need help.

The salontestants and Ho’s match up using a complicated numbered orange system that I won’t go into here. No one seems to want the Ho named Vicki – she’s a handful. Daniel is still stalking Laurie and wants to pet her and put her in his pocket (a POCKET HO!). Laurie’s attorneys are filing restraining orders with the proper authorities as we speak.

It seems that we are going to have a battle this season with NiceGay Daniel, and EvilGay Charlie. Charlie is definitely angling for an Omarosa-esque career after the show is over. Since Charlie won the Shortcut Challenge – he can switch with someone. He switches up with Daniel – who seems upset. Go pet Laurie, that should make you feel better.

The salontestants start serving Champagne to the Ho’s to calm them down and keep them in line. Good plan. Vicki won’t stay in her chair. Parker is clueless about color – he just cuts hair all day. Bravo Reality Show Pet Peeve #1: Bitches who come on Project Runway that are clueless about menswear, bitches on Top Chef who can’t make dessert, and bitches on Top Haircut that can’t do color. Mama Bunny has been coloring her own hair for 30 years – it can’t be that hard!! Red, in case you’re wondering (her natural color).

They manage to do their thing to the Ho’s/Daughter – and it’s time for the Hair Show. Seriously, that’s the BEST tag line on Bravo. WAY better than “One day you’re in, and the next day, YOU’RE OUT”. The judges are “Master Colorist” Lippy Kim Vo, Kelly from Allure, and Tabatha from Hell.

Ho’s and Daughters walk the runway and do a little “flip” with the back of their hair. The only emotion that registers on Tabatha’s face is stank. There is NOTHING registering on Jaclyn and Kim’s faces – Botox will do that to a gal/tranny.

After the Hair Show, the salontestants go to the “Break Room” (classy!) to worry. They are called back out for the judges’ decision.

On top, we have Glenn, Dee, and Charlie. Charlie is the winner, and vows to keep his “shit tight” for the next challenge. Which would definitely give Charlie the advantage if they go to that correctional facility. Charlie has immunity for the next challenge.

On the bottom, we have Paulo, Gail, and Parker. When they announce the bottom three, NiceGay Daniel Bird Johnson starts to cry – because he loves everyone, and everyone is love. Charlie counters with “the Oscars are ovah Baby.” Snarky is just AWFUL, isn’t it? I’m so glad I’m not that way…

Parker (who’s own hair looked like HELL, by the way) is sent home because he can’t sew menswear. No, I’m sorry, he was sent home because of his lack of dessert knowledge. Or maybe it was because Bitch is a hairdresser who doesn’t know how to do color. Whichever the case may be – if you don’t prepare, you go home.

Next week: Charlie yells at René Steak Frites, and there are Drunken Prom Queens. Till then bitches!!!!


SailorAlphaCentauri said...

Where do I begin on this one?

Daniel apparently wanted to throw in one more Jem reference with his "truly, truly, truly" comment, despite not doing the Jem hair challenge [The first theme song for the show; I know too much about this. *sigh*].

There were some really choice lines in this one (and I didn't watch the Real HouseHo's of Orange Glo either, so I don't know them from a hole in the wall), so I can't choose a favorite. It's between "...and Tabatha from Hell" or telling Daniel that he needs help (recommendations for therapy are always funny). behind bars would make a great photo shoot. Just thinking out loud.

Great recap, as always. I have to agree with you on your pet peeve with these shows. I can barely do my own hair and even I can color it without screwing it up, so what is wrong with these people? Maybe they don't ask enough questions when they cast for these shows (probably intentionally).

Keep up the great work!

And now...back to work.

Psychomom said...

(a POCKET HO!) Oh, You're thinking about me again?

I don't know about Bravo anymore, they sure are whoring themselves out a little more than usual. Can't we keep these reality shows apart and do those rich bitches really need more air time and free hairdos. What's next?

mikeinbama said...

I know I'm going to lose interest in Top Haircut/Mullet soon. Why does everyone have to be so fucking emotional? It's a fucking haircut. The shit grows back and if it doesn't buy some more. They need to do a black peoples version of this show and the quick challenge round would be to play the dozens.(Yo momma is so fat)

When Rene Fritas was talking, all I could think about was Eurotrash .....LOL

Great recap.

shirlsd said...

again, HILARIOUS and CLEVER!!!! your closing paragraph - fabulous! i missed the episode and now i realize my place is simply to read your recaps FIRST and THEN sit with comfort food/wine to live vicariously (if that's possible?) what goes through your head and flows off your fingertips when you recap. your recaps always have pay off! thanks for the chuckles! ~ smooches!

(and by the way - i'm looking forward to your project runway recaps - yes?!))

Howard said...

Well, well, well. Another brilliant job, although it is tough to give you as much credit as when you did SU&D, since these maniacs are practically lofting softballs up for you. They are crazy-ass bitches, that is for sure.

While I agree with you pet peeves, I have to say I was saddened to see Parker leave, since he is a cutie and worth watching. Can't be said for many of the others.

However, I have to admit I did love Tabitha last season. She is just outwardly aggressively bitchy, but could cut hair, so I was sort of pulling for her. I know it is wrong, but she wasn't really pure evil and bad, just evil and good. And why should I be the only bitchy person commenting on the show while it is on?

The prison challenge might be tough, because the prisoners on MSNBC's Lock Up tend to shave their heads or at least crop it very short. No, there is no preoccupation with prisoners here, just like watching documentaries, and Lock Up seems like that to me. [crossing my fingers and hoping that everyone buys that BS answer]

Timmy said...

I too have never watched RHoOC and I thought the same thing about Winona's twin sister!

Just because Tabatha was fan favorite from Season 1 is no reason to bring her back as a judge. WTF was that about?

David Dust said...

Sailor - you really DO know a lot about this "Jem". And the "Real HouseHo's of Orange Glo" needs to be the new title of that show.

Psychomom - will you be MY Pocket Ho?!?!

Mike - Your proposed show sounds like a "reality" version of "Barber/Beauty Shop". Coming to BET next fall...

ShirlSD - Thank you dear. YES, I WILL be recapping Project Runway. That's where my recapping journey began - just a few short months ago.

Howard - Don't even get me started. The stories I could tell...

Timmy - Yeah, WTF with Tabatha - she LOST. That's like bringing back SourFace Victorya next season to judge a challenge - just 'cause she was EVIL!

theminx said...

You've beaten me to the Wynonna punch (although I prepared the graphic this morning, just haven't had time to write the recap yet).

There's something about Tabatha's stank that I enjoy watching. She's going to have her own Gordon Ramsay-style salon-makeover show come August, you know....

Thanks for the giggles, as always!

David Dust said...

Dearest Minx - Thanks for showing me the correct spelling of Ms. Judd's name. I KNEW something didn't look right.

Oh LORD - a Tabatha show!?! I am SO not available...


mistress maddie said...

Does this mean girl your doing a recap every week now?I'm am watching this one,but I still don't think it's as good as last year.Tabatha made it intresting last year.And I swear Rene is either sporting nipple or a basket every week,but last night he sported both!Lets face it,he's the only reason I'm watching this year at all.I would do him in a minute,but he would have to keep that dam mouth shut!

Kwana said...

Oh David Ho happy am I that you are recapping this show. You're recap makes it so much more fun! I love the Bea Arthur reference. Perfect for Charlie.

David Dust said...

Dearest Maddie & Kwana - I'm not promising anything, because Project Runway starts in 1 1/2 weeks. I don't know if I can recap two shows in one night.

For NOW, Top Haircut keeps me busy until the Big Kahuna - Project Runway.


Joy said...

I'm so not watching that Tabitha show either. No thanks! It would be like watching an albino

Loved the comparison with Bea Arthur and Charlie's voice! Perfect!

I've never watched the Real Ho's either and now I know why. I thought about the Wy resemblance, too. K. T. Oslin called them Wyoming and Nairobi Judd on some show.

Being on the Allure Wall of Fame was a jinx last season.

So many good lines in this recap! Well done, you!

Howard, I've watched many episodes of Lock Up, too. Do I need to worry?

Renee said...

Another hilarious recap. My faves:

René Steak Frites
Why does Charlie’s voice today sound like Bea Arthur after a bottle of Scotch and three packs of Benson & Hedges?

Lippy Kim Vo's permanently frozen fake smile is really scary.

Yeah! Mama Bunny and I both color our hair red!

Berry Blog said...

Not sure I could get into this one. Don't know nuthin bout clipping no hair.
I could do a review every 7 weeks on Russ's Rusty Razor in downtown Mechanic Falls, Me- the last of the old time barber shops a la cracker barrel style. It's complete with deer head and fish trophies, and framed news clippings like "Nixon Resigns". After 25 years, I am accepted as the newbie old timer which makes me privy to the gossip and sports news of the village elders. (not to mention the goddamned parking lot nobody needed and tearing down the old abandoned hotel that didn't have customers but was part of the tax base)
Urban life up heah, is pretty damned politicks.

Meeg said...

I also love "Welcome to the Hair Show!" They should totally have Jaclyn saying that on all the commercials.

Last season Tabitha got cut in the episode where the judges got rid of the two best contestants in one fell swoop.

Anonymous said...

For not watching it last season
you got Tabitha down in a heartbeat! Thanks for the chuckles :-)

haireality said...

I did watch the real Ho-Wives (yes, I know I need help) To get the lowdown (and the downlow) on these skanky bitches, read "rotting Oranges" at

Anonymous said...

in defense of the OC women. I am addicted to the show. the show is NOT about money at all. in fact, it's about the women. Great women. for all the gays, all the women on that show SUPPORT gays. Lauri has talked about her brother's death of AIDs. The Wynona Twin - Jeanna Keough - has a best friend name Franky who is gay. Plus her son SHANE KEOUGH is HOT! Vicki is a hoot! i thought i would hate the show, but ended up buying season one and two.

BohoPoetGirl said...

David! I am so happy I started watching Shear Genius b/c you have started blogging it!I haven't visited in a few weeks but watching SG made me think of you. OMG I just laughed out loud so many times reading I woke my husband up. I Heart You!!!!

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