Design Star Episode Seven - We Are Family

On last week's Design Star, Stank Tracee went home – filling my snarky heart with joy, but undoubtedly leaving me with less comic material. Then Mikey V went home and I missed his tattooed biceps immediately. Bye Mikey ... call me?!? You can get my number from Matt.

It's morning in Nashville, and Clive greets the final 3 designtestants - Jennifer, Trish, and Matt. He informs them that they will receive $10,000 for this last regular challenge - and they will be "re-designing rooms for a family" with the assistance of a carpenter. Clive cranks up the flatscreen TV to show them who they'll be working for.

Jennifer finds out she will be working for her SISTER in Sioux City, Iowa. Sis works two jobs (including loading trucks at 3:00 am), has 2 kids, and just doesn't have the money to decorate. Or the energy, I’d imagine. Maybe Jennifer can get her sister a robot maid, like Rosie on The Jetsons.

Trish's parents from Michigan are the family Trish will be helping. Mom and Dad tell her over the television screen how much they miss her - prompting Trish to cry. Her Dad has had some recent health problems, and decorating has been the LAST thing on their minds - until now.

Finally, it's Matt's turn, and sure enough he is greeted via video by his parents - who live in Colorado Springs. Matt gets emotional and tells us of a mysterious family falling-out, where they did not speak for a period of time. But competing on Design Star (which his mother is a big fan of), got them communicating again. Remind me to ask Matt about this ordeal when I interview him - and also remind me to ask him about that wedding ring he wears. And also remind me to ask him if one is related to the other. Matt is SO not calling me back now, is he?...

We see each designtestant heading home and reuniting with their families. It’s all hugs, love and tears. Then the designers are told which rooms they will re-design.

Jennifer’s sister would like her living/dining room done. She likes “comfortable” and earth tones – just like I like my men.

Trish’s dad wants a Jacuzzi in his “Great Room”, and I’m liking the way Trish's Pop rolls. The other thing Dad needs is a recliner, which he must sleep on because of health issues. Trust me, the LAST thing a decorator wants to hear is “recliner”. It’s like asking a gourmet chef for frozen scallops. Anywhoo, they trust their daughter to do her magic and give her “carte blanche”, just like they used to give her “American Express” when she attended decorator school.

Then we have Matt’s family. Matt’s mom has just a couple of ideas for her “Craft Room” (which is bigger than my 2 bedroom apartment, BTW). She would like the room to be appropriate for adults and children with a curtain to cover that wall and you’ll have to keep the kiln for when they do pottery and a games table would be nice you know the kind that has multiple games which I happened to see at the store the other day but it’s not exactly the one I want maybe you could go one town over and check that really nice furniture store after all Matt you do have $10,000 to spend and that’s a lot of money and we are your parents for God’s sake. Matt’s dad would like a chair. Dad is obviously the ball-breaker of the family.

Matt describes his mother as “very vocal”. I know what “very vocal” means. MY mother is also “very vocal”. And I wouldn’t trade her for the world. [Ed. Note: Please read what Mama Bunny had to say in the comments section.]

Clive wastes expensive helicopter fuel and copters over to Michigan to surprise Trish. That money could have bought Dad's Jacuzzi - you waster! Clive announces that time has begun…

We get to meet the carpenters. “I’m on the, TOP OF THE WORLD, lookin’, DOWN ON CREATION, and the only explanation I can find …”. No, not THOSE Carpenters – the guys with toolbelts and visible ass-cracks.

Jennifer’s carpenter is named Bill and he’s a little older. After she rattles off a “to-do” list that would make Matt’s mom proud, Bill remarks: “good thing I didn’t bring my wheelchair”. Carpenters are funny!

Matt’s carpenter is named Damon – and looks like someone named "Damon". Damon is kinda hot. Matt is kinda happy. I just want to see Damon’s ass-crack.

Then we meet Ray. I am in total, complete, and hopeless love with big, dumb, lovable lug Ray. Trish asks him about his carpentry credentials, to which Ray replies: “Uhhh… I brought a screwdriver …?” He also never worked with laminate hardwood flooring before. But he DID look like he wanted to pick skinny Trish up and make her his pet. “I will love her and squeeze her and call her ‘George’!”. Here is a picture of Big Ray and Trish:

All three designers leave their carpenters with their ‘things-to-do’, and go shopping. Perpetually polite Matt compliments the lumberyard on the quality of their plywood. Matt likes good wood. Trish is shopping for a recliner, and is obviously uncomfortable with such an un-chic piece of furniture. She looks like a guy buying tampons for his girlfriend in a crowded drugstore.

Trish returns home and presents the “click and lock” flooring to Big Ray. After looking at it for a while, scratching his head, thinking about it, and picking the underwear out of his butt – he has an epiphany. The flooring is “just like Lego’s”. Ray likes Lego’s. Lego’s are good. “I will click it and lock it and call it ‘Floor’!”. Go to it, big boy!

Matt is happy with Damon’s progress, and is asking Damon about his painting skills. “I couldn’t ask for a better carpenter”, Matt proclaims. Could mutual back massages be far behind?

They cut to Ray again, and TRISH is showing him how to do the flooring. Didn’t Mikey V just teach HER how to do it? Trish is trying to be polite to Ray, but you can tell it’s difficult. Be nice to my future husband, BIATCH.

Day #1 is over, and Day #2 begins. Damon and Matt greet each other enthusiastically – maybe a little TOO enthusiastically?? No – Matt is so nice he probably greets Telemarketers the same way.

Big Lug Ray rolls into Trish’s house on Day #2 looking hung over. Trish goes shopping, and Ray is left to deal with the floor all by himself. In the process, he hits himself in the head with pieces of wood. Luckily there’s nothing there to damage. Did I mention that I am in total, unbridled LOVE with this big simpleton? Stupid is hot.

Jennifer purchases carpet made of recycled “pop bottles” (she’s buying glass carpet??). The carpet people assure her that they’ll install later that day. But after measuring, they must come back early on day three. This cuts it close and makes Jennifer worry. Pop bottles must take a long time to make into glass carpet. And, by the way, it’s called “soda”, not pop. I can’t tell you how many hours at Penn State we argued about this. Anyone from Pittsburgh west says “pop”, and they’re wrong. I guess I should have studied instead of participating in worthless arguments, but that’s something for another post…

Anywhoo, Matt goes shopping for the games table his mother happened to mention in passing that she “might like”. He also looks at four black leather chairs, then other chairs, and then pretty much everything else in the store. He is turning into Tracee. I swear, if nice Matt throws someone under the bus during judging I will be the happiest queen alive.

Matt, however, is not happy. Shopping has taken up his entire day (a la Tracee and Stephanie) and it makes him “sick” that he has to return to buy chairs.

Trish’s shopping has gone “perfectly”, but she’s not so sure how Ray’s flooring project is coming along. She is worried that when she returns, Ray may have gotten distracted by something shiny on the ceiling, and forgotten all about the floor. But when Trish walks in, she finds a beautiful wood floor, and Ray looking like a good puppy waiting to get his belly rubbed. You KNOW I’d rub on that belly, big boy!

It is now the final day – Day #3. Matt greets his carpenter even MORE warmly than yesterday with a “Damon – MY MAN!!!”. Just keep your hands off Ray and we’ll be just fine, Mr. Nice Guy. Matt goes out to get chairs, and Damon continues to be perfect in Matt’s eyes.

Trish is wondering how long the fireplace shelves are going to take Ray (“45 minutes”, he says), but then Ray gets tired and “needs a seat”. If Ray WAS a puppy, Trish would have had him euthanized by now.

We see the last-minute touches being done, and Clive helicopters into Colorado to blow his annoying “times up” air horn into Matt’s ear. TIME’S UP, BITCHES! They show Jennifer hugging her carpenter, and even Trish hugging Ray (back off!), but they don’t show Matt and Damon hugging. OMG – if they got together, they’d be called “MattDamon”!! I should end this recap now – “MattDamon” just put me SO far ahead of the game… That’s all folks – till next week!!!!.....

I kid. It’s time for the judging. We see Jennifer’s video first – she reveals the new living/dining area to an ecstatic sister and nephews, and then does her “hosting” segment. The room looks great, and her hosting has improved greatly. The judges likee.

Matt is next – and his hard-to-please father is thrilled, so is careless-and-fancy-free mom. And guess what – NO MOOBS! The judges love the creative way he hid the kiln (how many people have a friggin' KILN in their house, anyway), and his hosting has also improved greatly. Martha didn’t like the four heavy chairs that took Tracee, I mean, MATT all day to buy. Other than that, the judges likee.

Finally, we see Trish’s “reveal” to her happy parents (although Pops didn’t get his Jacuzzi). Trish does her hosting segment and even gives a shout-out to Ray’s work on the fireplace/mantle. Back off, sister! The judges seem to likee, although Cynthia mentions the extremely predictable and “traditional” layout/materials.

Time for the judging. At this point, I honestly have NO idea who is going to get sent home. The judges comment that these are the strongest three finalists they’ve ever had, and even their hosting is fantastic.

In the green room, Matt, Trish, and Jennifer love on each other – saying they are honored to be in the presence of the others. This is SO different from some OTHER reality shows I’ve recapped. Remember the Top Chef Not-So-Glad-Storage Room? Can you imagine Lesbian Lisa saying nice things about ANYONE? Me neither. But she DID make for an exciting recap, that’s for sure. Not as good as “MattDamon”, but good nonetheless.

They go back out and stand in front of the judges, and without much explanation, TRISH is sent home – leaving Matt and Jennifer to compete in the finals. Trish is disappointed, but happy that she pleased her parents.

Then we find out what they’ll be doing for the final challenge, and I am EXCITED! Each will help a family in my second-favorite city, New Orleans, get their houses back after being devastated by Katrina. It’s been THREE years, and there is still so much work to be done.

And here’s a little hint for Matt and Jennifer … it rains unexpectedly, and HARD in New Orleans…


Till then bitches!!! Don’t forget to keep an eye out for my interview with Matt Locke next week! That is, if he answers his phone after reading this recap.