Thursday, July 31, 2008

Project Runway Episode Three - Goiters and Grommets and Nipples - OH MY!


On last week’s Project Runway: the models did the shopping, Queen Amidala did the judging, and Suede did the annoying (and the winning). And sad Wesley did the leaving. See my Episode 2 recap here.

It’s morning in the Atlas apartments, and Daniel is missing Wesley. “We were connecting”, Daniel says. And by “connecting”, he means "screwing". The kids don’t waste any time these days.

On to the runway for model selection. Suede, as the winner last week, can stick with his model, or swap with someone else. “Suede loves Tia”, Suede annoyingly says – and he stays with his model. “David hates Suede”, I say, still plotting to stab him in the neck with a dirty fork.

Heidi instructs the fashiontestants to head back to the apartments and prepare for a “night on the town”. Tim, dressed like a flasher in a long raincoat, gathers everyone and takes them to the “City Sights” double-decker tour bus stop. These are the stalkers who harass me every day on my way to work. They yell “City Tour?!?” and “Double-Decker Bus Tour!!” every morning as they try to sell me a ticket to see my own city. Outta my way, I'm late!!

The challenge this week will be to design a look inspired by New York at night. The bus will make four stops, discharging designers along the way. The designers will take photos, and choose one photo to be their inspiration for their outfit.

For a bunch of people riding on the top of an open-air bus in the rain, they seem to have a good time. Stella, a native New Yorker, remarks that she’s never been on one of these buses, but it’s “amazing”. She is so high. I’ve never been on one of those buses either, but Mama Bunny and StepDaddy are visiting me this weekend, so maybe I’ll put them on a bus. After all, Burnout Stella recommended it!

First stop: Columbus Circle. Suede, Daniel, and the two white girls who I can’t tell apart disembark. One of the girls is a “Silent Fashion Assassin”, and the other has some connection to “Salvador Dali”. Or maybe one’s a “Salvador Fashion Assassin” and the other is a “Silent Dolly”. Like I said, I can’t tell them apart. Anywhoo, they get off the bus and start taking pictures.

Next stop: Times Square. Tango thinks the area is “stimulating”. He should have been here before they cleaned it up – stimulation came fast, cheap and easy - which will be the name of Tango's upcoming fashion collection. Tango wonders if there is a tanning salon around. I suggest he presses his face against the huge neon Coca-Cola sign – that should do the trick.

Keith is one of the Times Square wanderers, and is getting hated on by Kenley and Stella. He tells us about his Mormon family back in his hometown of Salt Lake City, where it is extremely “difficult to be gay”. So Kenley’s and Stella’s stank doesn’t bother him – he has been hated on by the Church of Latter Day Saints, bitches! Keith also remarks that he has thought about moving to New York City. Darling Keith: I have PLENTY of room in my apartment, as long as you keep your shirt off. Oh, and I have some socks that need darning.

Third stop: the NYC Public Library. This is where I watch the Gay Pride parade every year (there is shade under the trees, a bathroom, and my favorite Dollar Store is across the street). This neighborhood is DEAD at night, and I can’t imagine what they would find that would be “inspiring”.

Last stop: Greenwich Village. I notice they are one block away from where I work. Terri takes a picture of some graffiti, which – for the record – I didn’t create. But I DID spray paint the phrase “David Dust Is a SEXY BEAST” down the block. It never hurts to advertise.

Later, it’s bedtime in the Atlas apartments, and JerHell puts on his Queen Helene Mint Julep Mask. They also show Tango in teeny, tiny shorts and no shirt. I think it was that exact moment when my sick kitty Emmy barfed on my notes. I’m serious! Even cats shouldn’t have to see that, especially sick ones.

The next day in the workroom, the fashiontestants select one picture for their inspiration, and then everybody heads to Mood for fabric shopping. Stella keeps yelling “Who’s helping me?!?”. This is the same phrase she has uttered at Detox Clinics all over New York City. Terri, who’s very sassy today, instructs her helper at Mood: “Give me three yards, and let’s bounce”. Keep it real, girl.

Back in the workroom, Tim tells everyone they will have until 1:00 am to finish. Suede pins his name on the mannequin with his winning design from last week – and then kisses it on the boobie. “Suede has issues”, I think to myself, followed by “Where is that dirty fork?” Speaking of boobies, sexy Keith is displaying some perky Mormon nipples. It must be cold in the workroom today.

Tango stares at Kenley with his crackhead bug-eyes, and says in a weird voice: “I am gonna eat you”. He has turned into The Lord of the Ring’s villain “Gollum” – with a tan. He is trying a little TOO hard to be a “character” on reality television. Kenley calls him a “total weirdo”, which doesn’t even begin to cover it.

In the midst of working, the designers hate on the other designers’ outfits. Straight Joe hates on Kenley’s outfit. Kenley hates on Emily. Burnout Stella hates on Keith. Daniel hates on Jennifer, but that’s just because he’s horny and misses his “connection” with sad boy Wesley.

Burnout Stella is working with … all together now … LEAH-THA! She is hammering studs into her leah-tha, and remarks “what a gay little grommet!” – obviously referring to Tango. Her noisy grommet-pounding is pissing everyone off, but Stella is remaining true to her edgy roots. “I’m gonna die being rock and roll”! If “being rock and roll” means “heroin overdose”, then I can believe it.

Tim does his consultations. Terri is all about “street culture”, and describes her look as “street” and “funk”. This also describes Stella’s condition after a week-long bender. Tim no likee Emily’s “black dress with an oversized corsage”, but Emily thinks she knows better and ignores Tim’s advice. For true fans of the show, you know what that means.

Before Tim leaves, Tango tries to teach him to say “Holla atcha boy!”. Terri has to step in – after all, she is from the streets, yo – to spell “H-o-l-l-a”. Tim gives us a “make it work carry on holla atcha boy” as he walks out the door, and I wish someone would shove a darned sock in Tango’s mouth and nip this catch-phrase bullshit in the bud. What a Gay Little Grommet!

It’s the morning of the runway show, and we get our gratuitous peek at a shirtless Keith. Keith asks Suede “How you doing?”. “Suede’s OK”, Suede replies. “Suede is the most annoying biatch on the planet”, I think to myself. Remind me to Google the term “Jugular Vein”, so I know EXACTLY where to stick that dirty fork…

Everyone scrambles with hair, makeup, and last-minute adjustments before Tim herds them to the runway.

On the runway, Heidi is rocking a short, shiny, and tight outfit (!). Today’s guest judge is the hilarious Sandra Bernhard. Burnout Stella has her pretty “runway day” makeup on – her lip liner is fierce and she looks like Toni Basil! I love it when junkies clean up nicely.

Bitches walk, and when it’s over the judges want to see Keith, Kenley, Emily, Terri, and the two Silent Salvador Fashion Dali Assassins. The rest are safe.

The judges likee Kenley’s outfit, but when Sandra Bernhard says the word “goiter”, Nina looks like she wants to barf like my kitty. Nina thinks Kenley’s dress looks like LaCroix or Ungaro updated for today. Michael likes the “power-bitch” aspect of Kenley’s garment.

Keith’s inspiration was an old, wet and dirty magazine – and it shows. Michael thinks it looks like “toilet paper caught in a windstorm”. Keith’s Mormon nipples instantly deflate upon hearing this.

Sandra Bernhard thinks Terri’s graffiti-inspired outfit is “fierce” and looks like “I have a knife, and I’ll cut you up!”. If someone is going to be cutting, please find Suede immediately. Or the Gay Little Grommet.

The judges no likee Emily’s dress. Nina Garcia compares it to “Carmen Miranda”, but later say’s “no comment” – which Michael calls the worst critique of all. And Sandra calls it “cha-cha”. And if there’s anyone who knows about the “cha-cha”, it’s big lez Sandra Bernhard.

Everyone lines back up onstage for the results. Streetwise Terri is safe, and Kenley is the winner. White girl twin Leanne is also safe.

Of the bottom three, Keith is safe, because someone has to keep us Gays happy with his perky nipples and tattooed hairy chest. This leaves Emily and her Cha-Cha dress, and other white girl twin Jennifer and her “matronly” clock-inspired dress.

Emily is sent home – yet another victim of “IDidntListenToTimGunnitis”. She leaves still thinking that her dress was “beautiful”. When will they ever learn that NO ONE knows better than Tim Gunn? Holla atcha boy!


Next week: Tango doesn’t know what a “Sgt. Pepper” is, and Straight Joe thinks there are “too many queens” around. He better be careful, or the Gay Little Grommet will eat him.


Till then, bitches!!

37 comments:

Timmy said...

...but Emily thinks she knows better and ignores Tim’s advice. (cue the dirge music)

Tango needs to shut up and sew (sort of like Shut Up and Dance). He is trying too hard to stand out and be the next fiercest thing on PR.

Stella keeps yelling “Who’s helping me?!?”. This is the same phrase she has uttered at Detox Clinics all over New York City. This made me LOL 'cause you are so right!

And I wish Sandra Bernhard could be a judge every week on PR AND Shear Genius. LOL

And one more thing...Michael Kors is like me. We laugh at our jokes. The worst review is no review. and then he laughed.

SailorAlphaCentauri said...

I have got to start reading these at home, because I laugh too often and someone might notice. Then again, nobody seems to care what I'm doing here, so whatever...

Anyway, the "holla" moment made me so uncomfortable; it's like when the kids in school try to get the teacher to say some "slang" just to have a reason to laugh at them without them catching on. Tres uncool.

And as for the outfits, Terri's was the only one that I would wear in a heartbeat. Seriously, I would love that to be the outfit I wear for my first day of classes (I'm fierce like that) so I'm going to be on the lookout for something of that type because of it. Thanks, Terri, for coming up with something fashionable that even my fat ass can wear (I love the backless, I like to boogie...).

I knew they weren't going to get rid of Keith. There's no way you can dump somebody after you wait until the last minute to tell them that their model has dropped out. Besides, if he had made his rags into a flat print instead of hanging shingles, it would've looked better. He's equal-opportunity eye-candy (all eyes can snatch a piece), so I can't hate on him.

I am loving Stella just because she is getting on everyone's nerves (which is always fun). But between Tango and Suede (don't they sound like "I Love New York Reject-testants"?), I don't know who is more annoying. I would love to see them fight it out Thunderdome-style, but I'd rather not see either of them come back.

And the producers screwed up a little: The show listed Terri's hometown as Columbus, Ohio and I thought "How many people did they get from here?" Turns out they goofed and switched her with Kelli (how?)...and I still can't find Kelli's damn boutique.

All in all, great recap. Especially the Tim Gunn as flasher image that is now implanted in my mind (if only I could draw, that would make for some great comic strip fodder). I might be tempted to tag “David Dust Is a SEXY BEAST” somewhere just to try and start an internet/Flickr thing to see how far that would go (Wow. Hormones are fun). Anyway, this was just awesome and enjoyable! Thanks for doing it again with the humor, Mr. Famous ;-)

[This was way too long a comment!]

Beth said...

I noticed that too Sailor!!! KELLI is from Columbus....get it right people!!

Emily should have stayed and one of the White Girl Twins should have gone...I can't tell the difference either, and I AM a White Girl! All White people look alike....but THOSE White Girls kinda freak me out....serial killer white girls.

My kid was watching with me last night and Suede came on....he asked me, "Does he always talk in 3rd person?" I said "Yes, Suede rocks it like that!" then , get this...this is what he said..."Bravo has to be the most useless channel on tv." OH NO HE DI'INT!!!!! I don't claim him...he doesn't belong to me.

and the "holla" thing? Tango is just trying too. hard. It aint workin. He is no Christian. GIVE IT UP ALREADY!

I'm feeling kinda bitchy today...

David Dust said...

Timmy -

I laugh at my own jokes too. I SERIOUSLY crack myself up sometimes.

Sailor. Your comments can NEVER be too long. Ever! And I want pictures when you find a streetwise Terri outfit!

TrannyBeth - Which one of my nephews spoke such BLASPHEMY about Bravo!?? "Uncle Tranny is Mad". "Uncle Tranny is not happy!".

XOXOXOXOXO

Lorraine said...

Poodle, The Neighbor and I were going to make a drinking game of Suede's 3rd person thing but then we realized we'd be drunk by the first commercial break.

I'm going to send you an extra dirty fork, just in case you leave yours in your other jacket. While you're at it, something must be done about Blayne. Please.

Mark in DE said...

Great recap!

For the record:
* Me likee Keith's graffiti/toilet paper dress
* Me likee LeeAnn's black dress with the spiral skirt
* Me no likee Emily's Carmen Miranda dress
* Me no likee Terri's dress with pants

Mark :-)
* Me no likee Suede speaking in the 3rd person all the time

Mark in DE said...

P.S. Did anyone else notice this was the exact same challenge they gave last season's designtestants? Only it was daylight.

Mark :-)

Kyle/TheBookPolice said...

'Grommet' works on the same level as 'Gollum', and I dig it. Blayne's new name should officially be G.L. Grommet.

Plus, you're getting your white girls all mixed up. Slow Talking Mouse Leanne is twins with Matronly Mouse Jennifer, while Greek Goddess Headband Brunette Emily is (was) twins with I Took All Of This Out Of Feist's Closet Brunette Kenley.

Good stuff!

Come on over to Reading this will not make you popular. when you're done here!

donotdrinkme said...

This is fabulously hilarious. I love you.

mikeinbama said...

You are so right about Tango being a character. I can't wait for them to drop kick his ass off the show. You can somewhat tell that they are not going the "twinked out" gay route this year.

Keith is my new favorite along with Terri. When Stella said leah-tha, I immediately started laughing. She is a true burn-out.

Great Recap.

Stay away from Keith or I will cut you! You had Mikey V, so leave Keith to the rest of us.

Christopher said...

Dayum...that was the perfect recap! If you need help holding down Suede (or Gollum) while you plunge the fork in, call me!

TWISI said...

i now have soda on my keyboard...thanks!

HILARIOUS!

Joy said...

What's with these slow, whining voices so many of them have? They make me feel stoned.

I get those mousey twin white girls mixed up, too. Tango really is trying too hard and is more annoying each time. He and Suede get on all my nerves. You must find that fork and the jugular.

I still can't all their names straight and will get on board with that soon. If I try to discuss them, Bernice will be in charge.

Heidi had on Christian Louboutin shoes with that short, tight black dress. How tall is she?

Love the recap as always!!!

Leonardo D'Cato said...

love your recap! just hilarious!

Don't these people listen? If you don't pay attention to Tim Gunn, then your ass is out! Emily's an idiot for not following Tim, that's why her dress looks like the model's boobs exploded.

Psychomom said...

Please make them stop with the getto slang and third person crap, if they were 12 then it might be okay and Tim Gunn should not even be allowed to utter such nonsense. WTF! And Heidi has nice legs but come on, when the designers make a dress that short it's hoochie and cheep but for Hiedi it's fashion?

I'm sending you my dirty forks too and maybe a dirty needle for Leather Face (that one did make me laugh).

Hello, Anna! said...

haha i love your recap of yesterdays PR! and the white girl twins? i still cant tell them apart. and even worse, they both look like another girl i know. holla atcha boy!

Renee said...

Flasher Tim Gunn! OMG too funny!

Tango wonders if there is a tanning salon around. I suggest he presses his face against the huge neon Coca-Cola sign – that should do the trick. I can see him doing that lol.

JerHell in that face mask- so priceless. And Stella just cracks me up.

I wish Terri or Leanne would have won. I loved both of their designs.

Here's a link to some information on the jugular vein:

http://home.comcast.net/~WNOR/lesson7.htm

You can use the second dirty fork from Lorraine on Tango lol.


DAVID DUST YOU ARE A SEXY BEAST!

chef_the_city said...

omg, sooo funny, as usual!!!

i don't think emily should have gone, the matronly dress was MUCH worse, but kenley didn't listen to tim either and she won... weird. i think kenley has good instincts, tho, b/c the one person she criticized most (emily) lost. i heart her more every show!

lev_i_mote said...

I love your reviews. When will Suede stop speaking in 3rd person?

"IDidntListenToTimGunnitis”

love it.


-Lauren

theminx said...

Ugh...I don't like the word "discharge."

And Stella did clean up nicely. Surprise!

Fab recap as always - kisses to Miss Emmy kitty! (and you)

xoxoxox

don't forget to read my pr recap!

Maria said...

Suede dropped the 3rd person a few times last night, which makes me think the pretentiousness is a recent invention. He said that "I live in NY and I love it", not 'Suede lives in NY'. He dropped it a coupld other times too.

Stella's last name is Zotis, but I think that it was really just Otis, but after one join the ranks of the leather undead, one adds a Z to their name. Everytime I see her interview with the spider leg eye makeup I want to send an ambulance full of Clinique people to fix it.

Dagny said...

Oh please do something about Suede. And then do something about Tango.

I was a wee bit surprised about Emily because if you ripped that Carmen Miranda stuff off, it would have been a cute dress. The Stepford girl? There was no helping that piece of fug she created.

Joy said...

I went to the gym again today. Mikeinbama is my inspiration. Not that I could ever even consider looking like a female version of him. He's just inspiring.

PLEASE, let's not say that holla thing Tango hopes will catch on. He must be stopped!!!

You, David, are a Sexy Bunny Beast!

shirlsd said...

thanks for yet another hilarious and clever recap! if you are starting a dirty fork club, sactofloyd and i are in!

guerrillastylist said...

David, you are so darned cute. I SAW the show, but was riveted (or should I say Grommeted?) by your telling of it.
Yes, Leanne should have won...and yeah, I was confused that there were TWO of them...I thought she/they were one person. Yin and yang. talent/no-talent. ouch! I didn't just say that, I swear.
BTW, you're my new best friend.

Admiral Freckles said...

Admiral Freckles thanks you for making my daylicious. save that dirty bloody fork and Holla when you stick it into Tango too.

Jennie said...

The Gay Little Grommet remark has me rolling. She is a burnout, but I love me some Stella. And some leah-tha, now that I think about it. Oh Mickey, you're so fine...

Kyle/TheBookPolice said...

Emily's all full of sour grapes in her exit Q&A on EW.com. But she hypes her own line as "feminine" and "dressy." So I followed her encouragement, and visited the website.

Nothing says "feminine" and "dressy" like red-raw knees and a bend-over-and-take-it posture!

Dodi said...

"On the runway, Heidi is rocking a short, shiny, and tight outfit (!). "

Per Nina, isn't this the quickest way to look cheap????

D & D said...

David,

Below is a link that tickled my funny bone, where ever that is! You might enjoy it.

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=fashion

twodonnas

elise - All Or Nothing said...

If rock and roll means "heroin overdose" then I believe it. Ha! Never fails, I laugh every week at your recaps. Keep 'em coming!

Mine's here.

Cliff O'Neill said...

Oh, so damn much to say!!!

First ...

"Tango wonders if there is a tanning salon around. I suggest he presses his face against the huge neon Coca-Cola sign – that should do the trick."

TOTALLY cracked me up!!

As did everything else, of course.

* Am totally missing Wesley, since Keith does zero for me after having seen a.) the tattoos, b.) the rattail and c.) the total lack of personality three weeks running.

* Beth asked and I answer: BOTH Kelli and Terri (what's with the "i's?) are from C-Bus. Kelli's a native who left and came back and opened a boutique here. Terri appears to have been originally from Chicago, but is from Columbus now.

* And, lastly, and I have NO IDEA if this is spoiler-y in ANY WAY, but if you're thinking it is, run away now ... When the husband drove by Kelli's store today to get a closer look, he noticed it was closed for some unknown reason. (Could our girl be someplace that would take her away from her shop?)

That's it. Love your recap, darlin'!

Maisy said...

If I ever miss an episode (blasphemy!), I know where to go to find out the entire scoop.
Very comprehensive and hilarious!

Linda Merrill said...

Terri is all about “street culture”, and describes her look as “street” and “funk”. This also describes Stella’s condition after a week-long bender.

DD baby - I actually did a "spit take" when I read this line. I'll be sending you a bill for a new MacBook.

xxoo

eric3000 said...

"Gay Little Grommet" is a totally adorable nickname for Blayne! I love it!

SailorAlphaCentauri said...

Okay Cliff, where the hell is this damn boutique? I have no idea where it is, and I'm getting annoyed that I can't find it. And if Terri is currently in Columbus, why does it say she is from Chicago on the Bravo website?

Kwana said...

I know I'm say late but I'm still getting my time zones correct. Another wonderful recap. I'm loving the image of Keith shirtless and darning socks in your apartment. Oh how I wish I could make that happen!

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