Thursday, July 17, 2008

Project Runway Episode One - Haven't We Done This Already?

Dearest readers, I have to say I was extremely excited about last night’s premiere of Project Runway. It was great to see Tim, Heidi, Michael, and even Meana, er, NINA. The designers, on the other hand, failed to impress me much.

The main goal of the first show is always to introduce us to the Tranny Messes that will be competing over the next few months. There were some who stood out, but a lot of them seemed like “filler” – sort of like Raymundo from Season 2, or Marion from Season 4. Remember them? Me neither.

We see the fashiontestants arriving one-by-one to the Atlas apartments. Some of them are notable, such as former model Jerell (who I’ve already decided to call “JerHELL” if he gets on my nerves). And Blayne, who is orange (due to his tanning “addiction”) and says “Holla!” a lot. I need to think of a nickname for him QUICK, because he’s already on my nerves.

Then we have Joe from Detroit, who looks like he works on the Oldsmobile assembly line. Wait. What’s that? He has two daughters? Ladies and Gentlemen, we have spotted the obligatory token straight guy.

We meet Burnout Stella. She specializes in designing “rock regalia” for Hookers, Pimps, and Blondie. Sounds like she has all her bases covered. Jennifer currently lives in Italy, and describes her style as “Holly Golightly goes to a Salvador Dali exhibit”. I don’t know what that means, but I’m pretty sure Michael Kors used the same phrase during Season 2 to describe one of Raymundo’s outfits. Or was it Marion?

Suede lives in NYC, and likes to refer to himself in the third person. As in, “Suede is going to rock it!”. Suede needs to shut the hell up. And Keith is tattooed, muscular, and gorgeous. FYI: Dan has already claimed him.

After everyone arrives, they are instructed to go up to the roof of the Atlas building to meet Tim and Heidi. This is our first clue that Bravo ain’t spending SHIT on their last season of Project Runway. I can hear the producers discussing it now…

Production Assistant: “Did you want me to book a club or restaurant for the opening day meet-and-greet?”

Producer: “Screw that, we’ll put ‘em on the roof. Get a card table and some plastic cups.”

Heidi and Tim welcome everybody and give them a little pep talk. Then the Champagne starts flowing and all is right with the world.

It’s 4:00 am the next morning, and Tim wakes everyone up. And that’s when we get our first shirtless hottie of the season. They show Keith sitting up in bed and taking a huge swig of water. He obviously has cottonmouth from all that Champagne last night. Dehydration has NEVER looked so sexy.

Everyone meets in the lobby, and Tim takes them on their first “field trip”. They end up at a Gristedes grocery store, and I’m experiencing déjà vu. Didn’t they do this before? Wow, Bravo really doesn't give a crap this season. I wonder if EVERY challenge will be recycled. If so, PLEASE do the prom challenge and bring Maddie back. For those of you who don’t remember, Maddie was the fabulous girl who gave Christian fits last season while he tried to design her prom dress. Maddie was too fierce.

And who is this pretty lady walking toward the group? That’s no lady, it’s Austin Scarlett, winner of the first “grocery store” challenge. Gee, that was predictable. Daniel, who wants to be a designer or a crazy bird lady when he grows up, is EXTREMELY exited when he sees Austin. Miss Scarlett might be getting lucky tonight!

The designers will have ½ hour, and $75.00 dollars to shop. Everyone starts scrambling – Terri is all about mop heads, Burnout Stella is grabbing trash bags, and Korto is buying Kale and Bell Peppers. Is she making salad? Almost everyone else plays it safe and grabs tablecloths and shower curtains.

They haul their crap back to the workroom, where they will work until midnight. Suede uses the phase “whackerdoodle”, in hopes that it will be the new “fierce”. It doesn’t work. “Suede is annoying!”.

Straight Joe is doing an Olive Garden theme – with pasta and tomato print oven mitts. “Excuse me, can I get some more breadsticks?”. I think Project Runway needs to rexamine its straight-inclusion policy. Some things are better left to the Gays.

Kelli is working with bleach, die, and vacuum bags. Good luck with that. And Daniel is ironing blue plastic cups for his dress. Korto is tossing salad to add onto her garment.

Blayne is working Jerell’s last gay nerve by saying the word “girlicious” at least 400 times. Jerell wants Orange Blayne to pack up the “licious” and “take it to the girl next door”. Jerell also jokes that maybe the NEXT challenge will ALSO start at Gristedes. At this point I wouldn’t put it past Bravo and the producers.

Tim does his usual visitations, and Burnout Stella is playing with her trash bags and complaining “this is the worst fabric”. Note to Stella: trash bags aren’t fabric. Tim no likee. He also seems to hate Orange Blayne’s “Girlicious” dress. But he likee Kelli’s concoction, and Daniel’s plastic cup extravaganza.

Then Tim proceeds to Jerry’s shower curtain/tablecloth labcoat frightfest. Jerry – who remarked earlier that he is already a successful designer – is going with an “April showers bring May flowers” theme. It’s more “Flower’s In The Attic” if you ask me. How successful can Jerry be if THIS is what he came up with?

Tim suddenly has a revelation. Most of these bitches are using tablecloths. Tim gets pissed and tells them all to be more creative. MAKE IT WORK, BITCHES!! Most of these losers simply start sewing crap onto their tablecloths. I’m sure Nina will LOVE that.

Commercial Break. Tonight’s Text Vote asks viewers to select which challenge they would like to see again. “Maddie’s Prom Challenge” isn’t one of the choices, so I don’t vote. But this is yet another sign that Bravo can’t even be bothered to think up new challenges.

It’s a new day – the day of the first runway show. The models arrive and they do the hair/makeup/fitting scramble. Blayne has to adjust the crotch on his garment before pronouncing it “girlicious”. I REALLY need to figure out a nickname for this douche. How about “Orange Douchalicious”?

Kenley remarks that Jerry’s “April Showers” dress looks like something an axe murderer would wear. Korto runs around gathering her veggies. And Burnout Stella wants to "vomit". She must have skipped the Methadone Clinic this morning. Everyone heads to the runway.

Heidi introduces the judges: Michael Kors, Nina Garcia (who’s now an “Editor at Large”), and Pretty Lady Austin Scarlett.

The models do their thing, and Heidi announces that they would like to talk to Daniel (cups), Jerry (“Singing in the Acid Rain”), Korto (tablecloth and vegetables), Burnout Stella (garbage bags), Kelli (vacuum bags), and Blayne (girlicious). The rest are safe.

The judges speak to each of them one-by-one, and then do their judging. They likee Daniel's cup dress, Kelli’s dyed vacuum bag dress, and Korto's tablecloth with veggies on the side. Kelli is pronounced the winner.

This leaves Jerry, Burnout Stella, and Blaynelicious. They REALLY seem to hate on Jerry, describing his garment as “freaky”, “a handiwipe gone wrong”, and “hospital plumber”. Finally the judges all agree that this is the perfect garment to wear if you were going to kill someone. Jerry is sent home. Apparently he’s not a successful as he thought he was. He could always try selling this mess to Showtime for Dexter to wear.

Next week: The Post Office Challenge? Sarah Jessica Parker? How about the Levi’s denim challenge? Then they can bring back Ricky as the judge. He could cry and showcase his new caps. Till then bitches!!


mikeinbama said...

Great recap...LOL That tan dude that kept saying girlicious, I can't wait for them to drop kick his ass off the show.

Made me laugh out loud:

Producer: “Screw that, we’ll put ‘em on the roof. Get a card table and some plastic cups.”

And Burnout Stella wants to "vomit". She must have skipped the Methadone Clinic this morning.

Korto is tossing salad to add onto her garment.

”. Note to Stella: trash bags aren’t fabric. Tim no likee

Then we have Joe from Detroit, who looks like he works on the Oldsmobile assembly line.

mistress maddie said...

I was very excited to see it last night,but I have to agree about the cast of characters.It may take another show first.I also agree that Blayne? the organge one, got on my nerves.He looked like a gaint Oompa-Loompa!The color of him and those creepy eyes!I think I do like Kelly the winner,Keith,and the two black girls.They seemed pretty cool.I also did like alot of the fashion I did see though.And as always- a entertaining recap girl!Enjoy your concert tonight!

mark said...

i want to see the hotness that is keith give it to the innocence that is wesley

you know rough up his thom browne look

leazwell said...

If the show gets any more repetitive I might have to mop off.

What, you don't like diaper boy? ;)

Mark in DE said...

Like you, I found the cast of characters to be disappointedly bland.

LOVED your recap comments; several made me LOL.

Pretty Lady Miss Austin Scarlett (which I bet isn't his real name) was a total tranny mess last night!

I totally called Kelli winning the challenge with that gorgeously bleached and dyed vacuum cleaner bag and coffee filter dress. You go, girl!

I also totally called Scarey Jerry being sent home for that Dexter serial killer rain coat whatever. Especially since early in the show he basically said EVERYONE was inferior to him during the 'confessional' interview.

I thought Terri's braided mop top dress and Daniel's Solo cup dress were clever re-uses of materials.

I thought Wesley showed some promise with the shoulder decorations on his garment.

Looking forward to next week!!!

Mark :-)

Howard said...

Great recap, and an interesting show. And so far for me, the cast is neither interesting nor great.

There are certainly a few pieces of cannon fodder waiting to rush the line to save the good ones, Jerry being one of them. The 'Orangina Kid' was too annoying to live, but somehow he managed to get through.

And Keith is hot, and better stick around a while as eyecandy, whether he can design or not. After all, I put up with the hell that was Santino and Mango, so at least give me my happiness.

Str8 boi gotta go soon, and teach his daughters that str8 men don't design.

kylee said...

I like your, "April Flowers bring May showers," more like, "Flowers in the Attic" comment.

You're right on.

And as a PP said, the cast is uber-bland thus far.

Laura K said...

DD, rumor has it that the "blossoming romance" this season is between two guys. Have you picked up any signals? Keep us posted.

Joy said...

Wonderful to have PR back and to have your recaps! Love it!

I haven't decided how I feel about the designtestants yet but agreed with the decisions.

theminx said...

Flowers in the Attic! Good one! Sometimes you are even more clever than moi ;)

Speaking of my recap!


SailorAlphaCentauri said...

I keep forgetting that your PR recaps always make me lol at work, but nobody seems to care. Moving on...

Tanlicious needs to stop with his "Girlicious" and his "Holla at 'cha boy" as one saying is a crappy singing group from the makers of The Pussyhat Dolls, and the other (from the preview for the rest of the season) rubs off on Tim Gunn and he says it. The horror!

I love the fact that the winner has a store in Columbus that I have neither seen, heard of, or driven past in 12 years, but it was a nice dress. I would've like to have seen more of the outfit made with the mopheads, but they wanted to stick to a three bottoms - three tops format.

Someone else said this on the Project Runway blog, but Stella should've splurged for Hefty bags with her $75 instead of going for the cheap crap. That was her own fault for not checking the merchandise before leaving the store.

Suede is annoying, and I wanted to clock him for the Ned Flanders whackadoodle comment. And as much as Jerell has annoying potential, he cracked me up when scolded Stella into making something by saying "You better get to draping those garbage bags on that form and stop complaining" while everyone else was offering up half-hearted encouragement.

And wasn't it cute when Jerry said that the things that the top three contestants used were things that he would throw in the garbage? Shows what you know, Mr "Almost" Famous.

Great recap that definitely makes up for the lackluster contestants and the we-don't-give-a-damn-anymore challenges.

chef_the_city said...

is it just me or does Orangina look like a tan (and tall) verne troyer...? i swear if he says 'holla at y'boy' again i will swear off comcast forevs.

...and i love how EVERYONE is throwing 'catch phrases' out there trying to be like christian... tranny messes!

most of the designers were big ol' bricks, both personally and professionally, but i did like the dita von teese/betty page girl. her style rocks. and the chick who won, she also won me over b/c when she first started playing w/ those vacuum bags i was like 'idk: looks like a loser' and then it looked awesome, so...

tim was right, tho: no real blow-me-out-of-the-water talent here!

chef_the_city said...

@ HOWARD: omg, i called him Orangina too!!! lol, gmta!

Psychomom said...

Not a whole lot to add other than they need to get their own imagination and I kind of wanted mister solo cup to win.

And finally! mikeinbama, thank you for that profile pic!

The Shoenista said...

an "oompa-damn-loompa" is what blayne is! and really blayne, girlicious is taken. you'll have to fight those skanks over on the CW11 for it.

jerry- hated it! you're gay and asian, so why wasn't your creation top of the line?? I hate me!

oh yeah, this has nada to do with the post, but commenter "mikeinbama" if thats you in the pic...HOTNESS!

deuces bitches...
The Shoenista!

Jimbo said...

Darling, I think your recaps are going to be way more exciting than the season.

Maybe they'll bring back the gal wrestling challenge and Girlicious will get body slammed by his "model." One can hope.

Cliff O'Neill said...

Hey Mikeinbama! Funny to see you here too!

Oh, David, loved the "pretty lady" references!

And still howling over "Singing in the Acid Rain!"

Just posted my recap too. Don't know how I'm gonna do both this and Geer Sheenius.

Kwana said...

Great recap. I was on overload with this and Shear Genius. You're right they were too cheap. Tan Blayne was a mess. I wanted to knock that stupid hat right off! Till next week.

Beth said...

ahhhh Tranny...I wanted to call you SO. BAD!!!!! But I knew you would say, "BITCH! Whatchoo callin me for?!!" ;)

Stella needs to go home...plain and simple. and "Tango" needs to leave the tanning bed alone for a while...

Love you Tranny! But I think the shopw might be a tad bit boring this season......

Renee said...

LOL at your recap. You made the designers seem so much more interesting. I won't miss Tim Gunn's podcast now that I have your recaps!

Mr. Sunset Tan Blayne better watch how many rays he's getting. I think his brain is fried.

It cracked me up when Stella said that her fabric was "trash" and "garbage."

I loved Terri's mop top. Very cool.

I wonder if Tim killed anyone with that champagne cork. I checked The Drudge Report but didn't see any mug shots of him LOL.

Marker said...

So glad to have PR back (even if Bravo doesn't give a crap) and even better to have the DDust reviews to enjoy.

Keith is a 'mo? Dang yo. Saints be praised.

Oh, Austin . . . Dog bless her. I know he's talented and successful and all, but does she really have to dress like Eustace Tilley? Guess I shouldn't bitch--to each his/her own.

Don't be hating on guy with 2 girls - he's kind of cute and he has that adorable but barely noticeable Detroit accent.

Glad Stella survived - I like her.

Blayne - UGH UGH UGH. WTF????

Who is the Juliette Lewis wannabe? Not sure how that's gonna work out.

Chef: Excellent Dita von Teese reference!

I liked the chick who won right away. Something about her hair - big and blond, but in a very good way--not a Texas way.

Joy said...

Heidi said "butt ugly"!

Dagny said...

OMG! I love that others called Blayne "Orangina" in the comments. He was working my last nerve in the first 15 minutes. Then again I'm a little edgy lately. Nah. Even if I wasn't, he still would have been working that last nerve.

And why the joke about the next challenge? We all know that Bravo so doesn't give a crap that they have already posted brief info (with pix of the guest judges) for every episode this season. I kid you not. Go check it out.

Mark in DE said...

You've won an award! Check my blog.

Mark :-)

Maria said...

The winner chick (Kelli?) reminded me of Mad TVs Vancome Lady in voice and looks.

I love pinup girl.

Blayne needs to meet Andrew from Top Chef for a drug hook up.

I can't claim it is as my work, but on TWOP, Suede is being called "Pleather" and "Microfiber", which both make me smile with snarky goodness.

Marker said...

Kelli made me think of Nina Hagen for some reason - ?? - if Nina Hagen was from Ohio instead of East Berlin.

Joy said...

Kelli made me think about Sweet P with her tattoos and blonde hair if Sweet P wore bright red lipstick.

Joy said...

If Alice Cooper and Amy Winehouse had a daughter = Stella.

Lorraine said...

I want to slap both Suede and Blayne with a trout. Then I want to slap them again.

Anonymous said...

“Orange Douchalicious” works for me!

elise - All Or Nothing said...

I absolutely love it. Burnout Stella cracks me up and I'll second (third? fourth?) "Orange Douchealicious" for Blyane. Googley-eyed, creepy little Blayne.

Also, SO excited to join the recapping ranks! Check my ProjRun recap HERE.

Anthea said...

Great post! Your recap was to the t :) I'm sticking to my decision though. I think it's good that they got rid of Jerry, since he is already established in the industry anyway. Mind you..Stella's was definitely special...

caphillbarbie said...

All I can think of when I hear Blayne's name is Ducky in Pretty in Pink screaming, "Blayne!?! Blayne!?! His name is BLAYNE?"

I definitely think the talent is lacking this year, and they are compensating by using the weirdest and wackiest. Which I'm not totally adverse to...

Anonymous said...

Hahahahaha I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life!
I can't wait for Blayne to leave.
What the hell was that thing he made?
My favorites were Kelli's and Wesley's.
I'm scarred from Jerry's and his explanation of someone wearing it to go out on the town.

Jennie said...

Oh, my Darling David, I think I missed you most of all, after my husband and children. I haven't even seen the episode, but couldn't wait to read the recap. As usual, you did not dissapoint.

By the way, you need to go to the next BlogHer.

James said...

hey just thought i'd say that your recaps make the show even more entertaining than it already is. wouldn't go a week without checking the blog. keep up the good work and thanks for being so diligent.


Viv said...

ROFLMAO! I found you from Timmy & Margo but I was waiting for PR to come back since TC does not excite me as much as fashion drama. Loved the recap especiall Scarlet getting lucky. HAHAHA

Blayne has to go soon. He is so trying to bring a word like Christian did. I think the tan bulbs from fakenbakelicious have fried whatever brain he may have had.

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