Top Haircut Episode Four - Curlyphobia

On the last episode of Top Haircut, Charlie won (again), and Matt mentioned his wife once or twice before being sent home to reunite with her.

This week’s Shear Genius opens in the salon, where Jaclyn welcomes the hairtestants and introduces this week’s guest judge, Roy Teeluck. Mr. Teeluck is the Editorial Director for Nexxus, has a fancy accent, and has many helpful hints on having healthy hair. I know this because he says so in commercials.

For this week’s Shortcut Challenge, the stylists will be playing “musical clients”. They will start by coloring their initial client’s hair – and at various points during the challenge the clients will be asked to move to a different stylist for cut/styling/etc. They do not know how many “jumps” there will be, or how long each jump will last.

The Salontestants pick clients and start coloring. Nekisa, who has been in the bottom group 3 times, hopes the “fourth time’s the charm”. And if she survives this week, she’ll be hoping the fifth time’s the charm. Meredith, my new favorite, has decided on a shocking Pippi Longstocking red color for her client. And Gail is wandering around, asking the others what she should do. Isn’t that why she went to hairdo school?

The clients are told to move one chair to the left. Paulo freaks out, saying this swapping was like a “crazy orgy” – but it’s much more like hair speed-dating, without the whistle. Daniel ends up with Pippi Longstocking, and tries to tone her down a bit.

Next, the clients are told to move two stations to the right. Paulo’s client, who had said she was up for ANYTHING hair-wise, is having a nervous breakdown in Charlie’s chair. Somehow Evil Charlie musters up some niceness for a “hug session”. Charlie then compliments Meredith on her “big balls”. Charlie is feeling warm and fuzzy.

The last jump is announced, and the clients are told to return to their original stylists. Nekisa asks her gal the question EVERY stylist asks when you go to someone else: “Who cut your hair?!?”. The dumbass probably cut it herself, two jumps ago. Charlie, who selected his client in the hopes of never seeing her lame hair again, is “Reunited” with her – and unlike the Peaches and Herb song, it does NOT feel so good. Time is up.

Everyone lines up with their clients and Roy does his judging. Some of these stylists could obviously benefit from Mr. Teeluck's helpful hints. Nekisa, who always talks as if she just created the most innovative style since the Dorothy Hamill, is one of these people. Charlie, back in evil mode, mentions that Nekisa’s big boobies can’t “get her out of everything”. Me-ow. Roy isn’t impressed with the boobies or the hairstyle, and Nekisa is again on the bottom. But so is Meredith and her Pippi Longstocking laughingstock. My Meredith loses, so Nekisa’s tits must possess some power.

It is announced that Dee is the winner, and she immediately asks if she can have Nekisa’s boobies, instead of first pick of client during the Elimination Challenge. Slow down DeGeneres, they’re not going to change the rules just for you. Dee takes the immunity, but would much rather have the boobies. Ok, that whole thing didn’t really happen, but Dee REALLY has the hots for Nekisa.

That evening back home, the salontestants are chugging booze and getting angry. Dee and Charlie start snipping at eat other, which eventually turns into a full-on Lesbian Fight. Finally, Meredith tells everybody to suck it – SHE was the one who lost the challenge, not them. I love her.

The next day in the Salon, Rene Fudd introduces “Woy Teewuck”, who looks strangely similar to Roy Teeluck from the day before. The challenge is announced – the hairtestants must create a style that their clients can re-create at home. Instead of being judged this evening, their clients will go home and come back tomorrow.

As the winner of the Shortcut challenge, Dee selects first. Still hoping to cop a feel of those boobies, she selects Nekisa to pick second. Charlie picks last, because lesbians know how to hold a grudge. Charlie thanks the Hair Gods for his immunity. In response, Queen Helene and Paul Mitchell say “you're welcome”.

The winner of this challenge will also be featured in a Nexxus ad in Allure. Glenn thinks it would be “amazing” to be in a magazine that’s sold at Wal-Mart checkout counters all over this great nation. Reach for the stars, girl.

The key to this challenge will be listening to their clients, and training their clients how to re-create the style that they design. Meredith, who specializes in curly hair, has come up with a simple, 85-step plan for her increasingly confused client. Keep it simple, stupid! Nicole, who everyone else thinks is an amateur, is only using a blow-dryer (something that most women have) and is dissing the other “professionals” who are using complicated flat irons and intricate techniques (like Meredith). Nicole isn’t as dumb as she looks (or sounds). Actually, she doesn’t really sound (or look) dumb, just incredibly stoned.

Rene Steak Frites gives us the traditional “Won Minutes Weft!” call, and everyone scrambles to finish. C-ya tomorrow, bitches!

That evening, back at the Casa du Coif, Dee continues her blatant attempt to get in Nekisa’s pants with a request for a neck message. Nekisa plays stupid (extremely well, I might add) and says she’s “all personality”, and that’s why Dee is nice to her. Honey, Dee isn’t interested in your personality, if you smell what I’m stepping in.

The next morning, the clients return to the salon to recreate their ‘do’s in 30 minutes. The salontestants must watch in silence but end up making weird faces, which makes some of these novices nervous. Nicole’s client is done in 8 minutes and the look on Nicole’s face can be described as “Amateur THIS, bitches!”.

It’s time for the Hair Show, and the clients strut their stuff on the runway. Paulo’s client has “crazy eyes”, and Meredith’s client looks sleepy. And what’s up with Dee? Is it me, or is she a little wonk-eyed herself?

It’s time for the Judges to Judge, and Jaclyn announces that Daniel, Gail, and Paulo are safe. The judges would like to speak to the others.

Glenn’s client REALLY likee her cut, calling it “fun”. Lippy Kim Vo doesn’t like the mushroom shape of Meredith’s style, to which Meredith explains that mushrooms go with EVERYTHING. Nice try. Charlie, who has immunity, “just hung out” with his client, and Lippy says “it showed”. Ouch.

Dee mentions her upside down blow-drying technique, which sounds like a lesbian thing. And I could have SWORN that her client’s name is “Leilani”, which sounds like a lesbian porn movie. The judges no likee Nekisa’s creation, but seem to likee Nicole’s 8-minute hairdo.

In the backroom, while waiting for the judges to make their decision, Glenn announces that she would give her “right tit” to be published. She REALLY wants to be featured down at the Wal-Mart, ya'll!

The judges call them back out, and Dee, Glenn, and Nicole are the top three. Glenn is told she is the winner, and to drop off her right tit before she leaves. She begins to cry – either because she will be featured at discount store checkout counters, or because cutting off a boobie really hurts.

Nekisa, Charlie, and Meredith are the bottom three. Charlie has immunity, so it’s down to Nekisa and my girl Meredith. If that lesbian-tease Nekisa ends up staying, and the highly entertaining Meredith goes home, I will be devastated. Dee casts her wonk-eye upon the object of her lust, thinking the exact opposite.

Nekisa is SAFE – Dee must have pulled some Lesbian Mafia strings or something. Nekisa can’t believe that she has squeaked by yet again. I guess the fifth time might be the charm after all.

Meredith packs her things and enlightens us about a prejudice that I never knew existed – Curlyphobia. She explains that many people just don’t like curly hair, and she tries every day to keep Curly-haired hate crimes at bay.

“Straight hair people just don’t get it”, she adds. Those damn judges must all be curlyphobes. And because of their hate, my favorite hairtestant has to go.


On the next Top Haircut: Bald Bitches and Beaches. Or Bald Beaches and Bitches. Or something. Till then bitches!!