Design Star Episode Five - The Big Comfy Couch

On last week's Design Star, Gay Michael went home to his Mama after the "white room" challenge, and Tracee continued her stank and delusions of grandeur.

This week, the final six designtestants are greeted by Clive, who tells them they will have a true "Music City, USA" challenge - AND they will be working in two teams (prompting nervous glances toward Tracee). Each team will design a suite at the Opryland Hotel - inspired by the design philosophy of country music star Sara Evans. I’m assuming wagon wheels and American flags will come into play.

Even though they all cheer (as they do about EVERYTHING) when Clive says Sara's name, I bet at least half of the designers had NO idea who Sara Evans is. I had to Google her myself, but then again I live in the land of the commie freak homersexticals - New York City. Look, if they were doing this at Dollywood, I'd have been ALL over it (the gays LOVE Dolly!). FYI: Sara Evans performed at the 2004 Republican Convention. Just sayin’...

Anywhoo, each designer opens a paint can, and the two people who find stars get to pick teams. Jennifer and Trish have the stars, and as expected, Tracee is the last to be picked. Jennifer will be working with Matt and Stephanie, and Trish will be working with Mikey and Tracee. They will have 28 hours spread out over 3 days, and $15,000 to complete the challenge. Right off the bat, you get the impression that Team Jennifer (with the unnaturally cheerful and extremely talented Matt) has this challenge in the bag.

They get on Sara Evan's tour bus and head over to Sara's home to discuss her tastes. Sara seems very friendly (for a Republican, anyway) and says the words "shabby chic" about 400 times (surprisingly, she doesn’t mention wagon wheels or American flags). Apparently rich Republicans like to PRETEND they are poor by having junky old furniture in their homes (how fun!). Sara also likes coffee, vegging out on the couch, and watching TV. Dolly would have been MUCH more entertaining. Dolly would have told us the story of being a child and standing naked in a wash tub with her siblings on “Bath Day”. They would start with their faces and wash "as low as possible". Then they'd wash the dirt off their feet and wash "as high as possible". And then, when the boys left the room, they'd wash "possible". That story makes me laugh every time.

Anywhoo, the designers go to Opryland and see their suites. They, of course, all cheer at the circular design of the living area - and each team starts making their P.O.A. - "plan of attack". Except Trish keeps calling it a P.O.V. - and Mikey corrects her every time. It's like a modern day Señor Wences skit - "S'awright?? S'awright! POV?? POA!". And how cool is it that I managed to put a Señor Wences reference into a recap of Design Star? That's what a Penn State Liberal Arts education will get you - worthless knowledge about obscure crap...

Time for shopping, and Stephanie has the extremely smart idea to measure the doorway so they can make sure to buy furniture that fits. I begin thinking - "oh crap, Mikey, Trish, and Stank didn't measure - this will probably bite them in the ass". Stephanie files away the measurements in that STEEL TRAP of a brain she has. Oh, and she actually says the word "femininizing" - which is one to many "in’s". If Stephanie has sisters, somehow I imagine SHE wasn't considered "the smart one". The one with the big boobs usually isn’t.

Mikey and Trish somehow manage not to kill Tracee, who is one of those people who has to look at EVERYTHING while shopping. Kinda like my Mother at a Flea Market. Matt finds some shabby-ass armoire pieces that he plans on turning into a carousel, or battleship, or Sara Evans Souvenir Shop, or something.

Day 1 is over, and Day 2 begins. Stephanie is going shopping again, and has a long list of things to buy (again, all filed away in that "steel trap" of hers). Tracee and Mikey also go shopping, where Tracee finds some shabby chic doors. Mikey V. thinks the peeling paint on them looks "dirty", so he's obviously not a rich Republican. The whole idea is to PRETEND YOU ARE POOR - "dirty" is good! Did I mention how good Mikey V. looks in a sleeveless t-shirt?

Meanwhile, Matt is building 35 different pieces of furniture with that shabby old armoire, and Jennifer is painting up a storm. Stephanie is taking FOREVER to shop, but ever-cheerful Matt and Jennifer think that means she is finding everything she needs. Stephanie returns triumphantly, saying she only needs two armoires, two couches, a few chairs, a couple of mirrors, artwork, vases, hammer, nails, some dried flower arrangements, and a partridge in a pear tree. Other than that, they are ALL SET. Jennifer and Matt go out shopping to get some of the MANY items Stephanie failed to pick up. They seem to get everything but a couch.

Day 2 is over, and the Third and final day begins. Team "Seems Like They Should Win But Now Act Like A Bunch of Dumbasses" (Team Jessica) sends Stephanie out shopping AGAIN. Basically - she needs to get a sofa and come home. Sounds easy, right?!? S'awright? Not S'awright.

Dumbass Stephanie, after being SO SMART and measuring the entrance way to the room, failed to measure the elevator and/or stairs. They can't get the couch she bought into the room. Happy Matt talks about going to "Plan B". My plan B would involve hiding Stephanie's cold and dead body somewhere.

Times up. Clive tells the designtestants that each will have to do a little video hosting presentation on Opryland and gives them a few minutes to prepare. Each designtestant tapes their own segment.

Everyone gathers in the studio in front of the judges, and we watch the video presentations. Trish is fantastic, Matt looks like Robot Happy Guy (which, actually, he is in real life), and Stephanie and Tracee don’t do so well. Mikey V. sounds like the love child of Carmela Soprano and Rocky Balboa – “Yo, you should come to Nashville – or I’ll cut your throat”. Did I mention how good he looks? I did? Ok, sorry.

We then watch the video of Sara Evans touring each suite. First up – Team Jennifer.

Sara seems to generally likee the living room, however she doesn’t likee the leather sofa (she’s ALL about a comfy couch). She thinks the bedroom is “unbelievable” and even crawls into the bed. Dolly would have probably given us a good Boobie joke right about now. Damn, why couldn’t this episode have featured Dolly?!?

The judges then speak to Jennifer, Matt, and Stephanie. They notice right away that part of the room is empty (the part that was supposed to have the too-big couch). The judges keep asking what happened to the other couch, and Stephanie tells a blatant lie: “we just couldn’t find one”. No, YOU couldn’t find one that fit in the hotel, dumbass. Matt and Jennifer keep their mouths shut, and don’t throw Stephanie under the bus. I WISH Tracee would have been on that team – simply for the under-the-bus tossing.

It’s now time for Sara to see Team Trish’s suite. “Oh, this is AMAZING!!”, she exclaims. She immediately lays on the couch (she, like my father, obviously has “Mad Couch Disease"). Sara LOVES Tracee’s stencil design she created behind the bar, which they’ve filled with coffees and biscotti (those smart little devils!). Sara also loves the bedroom (including Tracee’s shabby-chic door headboards). Sara REALLY likee, and it's obvious that this is the winning team. Tracee actually did a great job this week, and might have been the overall winner. Go Stank!

After a stint in the Green Room, the designtestants go back in front of the judges for their decision. Trish, Mikey, and Tracee are indeed the winners, and are safe. Happy Matt is also safe. Team Leader Jennifer and Dumbass Stephanie remain.

In the end, Stephanie (who is rocking a Flashdance, off-the shoulder top and huge hoop earrings) goes home. Again, it’s a shame Dolly wasn’t there, she probably would have had something nice to say about Stephanie’s boobies. S’awright?!?


Next week, Tracee sets things on fire. Till then bitches!!!!