December is my busiest month at work - so I needed to cut corners somewhere. Therefore, I'd like to present my Top Chef Recap, in 750 words or less:
Last week: Rock Stars - Snotty S'mores - Richard The Pooh went home to the Hundred Acre Wood. It made me sad. Read all about it HERE.
This week - Brooklyn SMOG ALERT! Jeff and his Hair are lifting 1/2-ounce girl dumbbells. Not Hot.
Papi Alex is sad too. He reads letter from departed roommate GayRichard. Alex cries. But Alex is getting married. To a girl. He is not gay. Like his ex-roommate. Papis are hot. Especially when they cry about their gay roommates.
Quickfire Challenge. Rocco Dispirito! His face lift has settled. More natural now. Make Breakfast! Rocco likes bacon! Make it small!! An "elegant mouthful"?
Jamie The Lesbian don't know nothin' 'bout no breakfast. She prefers Beefaroni. It's a Lesbian thing. I think.
Stefan of Finland has a tool! Rocco has seen his tool before.
Fabio is clueless about breakfast too! Cooks something foreign for the "fake Italian" Rocco.
UTENSILS DOWN - HANDS UP, BITCHES!!
Judging. Jeff and his Hair can't count to one. StraightBear Daniel likes fried zucchini sticks for breakfast. He is chubby.
Leah wins, again. Has immunity, again. The Lesbian is pissed, again.
Elimination challenge. Demonstrate some cooking for fake TV! You have 2 1/2 minutes and must speak perfect Eengleesh. Fabio is screwed.
Whole Foods - shopping. It is "Cut Your Own Fish Day"! Papi Alex will do dessert. He will get noticed for this. Alex is tricky. And cute. Did I mention I like Papis? Yes? Sorry.
Top Chef Kitchen - COOKING!! Rushing around! Crazy Carla is making soup. It will be bad for her "psychologically" if she ends up on the bottom. I believe her.
Time to demonstrate! Daniel is very friggin charismatic and wants to make friggin' movies and own a bunch of friggin' restaurants. Fuggettaboutit. Ariane does well. Miss New Jersey in the Hizzy! Leah and Jamie kinda suck. Jamie tries to give the judges Salmonella, so she can win by default. It's a Lesbian thing. I think. Alex does bad. Alex is sad - again. Someone named Melissa is on this show. She doesn't cook very well. It is a shame.
Judging. Carla makes Rocco nervous. Me too. Leah is lucky to have immunity. Hosea is getting lucky (with Leah) later. Jeff and Ariane did well. So did Fabio. No so good Eeengleesh - no problemo.
Back at apartment - sleeping. 2:00 am. Tom wakes up winners. They go to Today Show. Fabio calls it "Da Morning Show". Dat's on CBS. Dis is Today. On NBC.
Each will cook. Four ladies will taste food "on camera" and choose winner. The losers watch in apartment on TV. Someone named Bianca is a "Food Stylist". She is fancy.
The ladies likee Ariane. They likee Fabio, but he cannot understand their Eengleesh. He is confused. But still cute. Kathy Lee Gifford spits out Jeff's dish. Nope - too easy. I will say no more about this. I have standards.
"There she is ... Miss New Jersey...". Ariane wins. She is happy. Meredith hugs her. Ariane will present a dish tomorrow on Today. Or is that today on Tomorrow? I am confused.
Melissa, Jamie, and Alex are on the bottom. We don't have to worry about Carla and her psychology. Yet.
Melissa tried to burn the judges with hot peppers. It works. I have seen it on cartoons. Fire comes out of their mouths, and everyone laughs. Melissa wants to be on Top Chef more than a certain person who is getting married. To a girl.
Jamie doesn't know how to cook an egg. She doesn't do breakfast. She tried to warn them. They didn't listen.
Alex tried to do Creme Brulee. It takes 3 weeks to cook. He had one hour. He is getting married to a girl. He is not gay. And has no concept of time. But he is kinda cute. I'll shut up now.
Not So Glad Storage Room. Hosea is now massaging Melissa. What happened to Leah? They don't call him HOSEa for nothing!
Back in front of Judges. Alex, please pack your knives and go. Bye-bye Papi. I will miss you. Call me if that girl thing doesn't work out.
Next week - Gail and her Boobies are getting married!?! I am sad.
Last week: Rock Stars - Snotty S'mores - Richard The Pooh went home to the Hundred Acre Wood. It made me sad. Read all about it HERE.
This week - Brooklyn SMOG ALERT! Jeff and his Hair are lifting 1/2-ounce girl dumbbells. Not Hot.
Papi Alex is sad too. He reads letter from departed roommate GayRichard. Alex cries. But Alex is getting married. To a girl. He is not gay. Like his ex-roommate. Papis are hot. Especially when they cry about their gay roommates.
Quickfire Challenge. Rocco Dispirito! His face lift has settled. More natural now. Make Breakfast! Rocco likes bacon! Make it small!! An "elegant mouthful"?
Jamie The Lesbian don't know nothin' 'bout no breakfast. She prefers Beefaroni. It's a Lesbian thing. I think.
Stefan of Finland has a tool! Rocco has seen his tool before.
Fabio is clueless about breakfast too! Cooks something foreign for the "fake Italian" Rocco.
UTENSILS DOWN - HANDS UP, BITCHES!!
Judging. Jeff and his Hair can't count to one. StraightBear Daniel likes fried zucchini sticks for breakfast. He is chubby.
Leah wins, again. Has immunity, again. The Lesbian is pissed, again.
Elimination challenge. Demonstrate some cooking for fake TV! You have 2 1/2 minutes and must speak perfect Eengleesh. Fabio is screwed.
Whole Foods - shopping. It is "Cut Your Own Fish Day"! Papi Alex will do dessert. He will get noticed for this. Alex is tricky. And cute. Did I mention I like Papis? Yes? Sorry.
Top Chef Kitchen - COOKING!! Rushing around! Crazy Carla is making soup. It will be bad for her "psychologically" if she ends up on the bottom. I believe her.
Time to demonstrate! Daniel is very friggin charismatic and wants to make friggin' movies and own a bunch of friggin' restaurants. Fuggettaboutit. Ariane does well. Miss New Jersey in the Hizzy! Leah and Jamie kinda suck. Jamie tries to give the judges Salmonella, so she can win by default. It's a Lesbian thing. I think. Alex does bad. Alex is sad - again. Someone named Melissa is on this show. She doesn't cook very well. It is a shame.
Judging. Carla makes Rocco nervous. Me too. Leah is lucky to have immunity. Hosea is getting lucky (with Leah) later. Jeff and Ariane did well. So did Fabio. No so good Eeengleesh - no problemo.
Back at apartment - sleeping. 2:00 am. Tom wakes up winners. They go to Today Show. Fabio calls it "Da Morning Show". Dat's on CBS. Dis is Today. On NBC.
Each will cook. Four ladies will taste food "on camera" and choose winner. The losers watch in apartment on TV. Someone named Bianca is a "Food Stylist". She is fancy.
The ladies likee Ariane. They likee Fabio, but he cannot understand their Eengleesh. He is confused. But still cute. Kathy Lee Gifford spits out Jeff's dish. Nope - too easy. I will say no more about this. I have standards.
"There she is ... Miss New Jersey...". Ariane wins. She is happy. Meredith hugs her. Ariane will present a dish tomorrow on Today. Or is that today on Tomorrow? I am confused.
Melissa, Jamie, and Alex are on the bottom. We don't have to worry about Carla and her psychology. Yet.
Melissa tried to burn the judges with hot peppers. It works. I have seen it on cartoons. Fire comes out of their mouths, and everyone laughs. Melissa wants to be on Top Chef more than a certain person who is getting married. To a girl.
Jamie doesn't know how to cook an egg. She doesn't do breakfast. She tried to warn them. They didn't listen.
Alex tried to do Creme Brulee. It takes 3 weeks to cook. He had one hour. He is getting married to a girl. He is not gay. And has no concept of time. But he is kinda cute. I'll shut up now.
Not So Glad Storage Room. Hosea is now massaging Melissa. What happened to Leah? They don't call him HOSEa for nothing!
Back in front of Judges. Alex, please pack your knives and go. Bye-bye Papi. I will miss you. Call me if that girl thing doesn't work out.
Next week - Gail and her Boobies are getting married!?! I am sad.
Great Recap. This weeks episode was kinda boring. When they went to the Today Show, I knew that skank Kathy Lee would try to upstage the cheftestants. Angry lesbian is so last season. I can't wait for Carla to bring out her inner crazy.
ReplyDeleteLove the Fabio comments.
ReplyDeleteI bet Pooh Bear Richard was PISSED that Chef Tom didn't ever try to wake him up at 2 AM LOL.
I can't stand Kathy Lee. I too am waitin' for Carla's inner crazy.
>I will say no more about this. I have standards.<
ReplyDeleteLOLOLOL!
A bridal shower... will the wedding
challenge be for her wedding? Do we get to see the lucky guy? Will we have a homemade babyfood challenge down the road?
Sooooooo, I know December is a busy month of the year and all, but I like you MUCH better when you're all chatty and fill your posts with lots of verbage. :-) I mean, I still like you, as long as you continue to recap TC I'm pretty sure I'll always like you, so it's not like I don't like you. I hope Gail's shower episode provides LOTS of inspiration for you, even if you are said that she & her boobies are getting married. :-)
ReplyDeleteGreat, concise recap - kinda like Top Chef Cliff Notes (will their be a test?).
ReplyDeleteEverybody is in a budget crunch so cutting back on words here and there is ok as long as you keep pictures to come by.
ReplyDeletetravis
spears.park@hotmail.com
I even love your condensed version...like condensed soup!
ReplyDeleteand I'm really rooting for Fabio.....I like him and his charming italian self...we Italians gotta stick together...it's a mob thing. ;)
xoxoxoxox
Top Chef Cliff Notes
ReplyDeleteLOL!
Even at you most concise you still make me smile. Thanks for the recap on an otherwise slightly boring episode. Sorry that cute Alex is no longer. Hope work is not driving you too crazy. By the way I am using the 2nd picture for the Christmas cards. Love the input as always. Later tater.
ReplyDeleteAdd me to the LOL Top Chef Cliff Notes list and inner Carla crazy waiters!
ReplyDeleteDD, you are GOOD! VERY GOOD! Concise, wordy, in-between - always hilarious! Loved what you said about the evil Kathy Lee! Perfect!
Good luck with your hectic schedule! Hugs!! xoxoxoxo
The minute I saw the preview for next week, I thought, "I wonder how David is going to take the news that Gail is getting married?" What happens if the new hubby tells her to keep the boobies covered?
ReplyDeleteExcellent recap, even in its short form. It still made me chuckle dozens of times. Quickly though.
ReplyDeleteI, too, thought of you when I saw that next week's episode is all about Gail's boobies gettin' hitched. Hopefully they'll get lots of camera time. Will you resurrect your "Gail's Boobies blog?"
finally I found it...dunno wha happened--I almost missed it.
ReplyDeleteLove your feeling for the effect of repetition...(It's a Lesbian thing. I think)( she's very old) etc. You have good timing sense for it.
I just can't stand Gail's voice. She acts like she thinks she is the penultimate authority and it's actually strain for her to nasally speak to these underlings.Her whole attitude just gravels my crotch.
Recap in the brief style is also funny...again, your gift for timing.
Xoxoxo Charlie
I'm surprised Jamie didn't want to participate in the "cut your own fish" promotion.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget to take the time from your busy schedule to read my recap.
xoxoxoxo
K
Great recap, as ever!
ReplyDeleteAs for my thoughts on Kathie Lee: You know those Itchy and Scratchy cartoons on The Simpsons? ...
Yeah, like that.