Friday, November 28, 2008

Top Chef New York Episode Three - Does A Bear Spit In The Woods?

Last week on Top Chef, the Cheftestants served lunch to a bitter bunch of losers, Padma spit (and did not swallow) Ariane's dessert, Fabio stole my heart will his wiener talk - and that stoner chick with the headbands was sent home. Read my last week's recap HERE.

It's morning in Brooklyn, and we find dreamy Fabio and Stefan of Finland bonding. Is it me, or are those two as "touchy" as chimpanzees grooming each other? We also see Ariane shoving food in her face - again. Seriously, she eats like a hog every week. And then she wonders why people are giving her funny looks. It's not that you suck as a Chef, it's the oatmeal on your chin.

GayBear Richard the Pooh is bonding with Alex and talking about Princess Leah's "nice rack". FYI: sometimes you can get into a straight guy's pants by talking about boobies. It's the one thing straight men and gay men have in common - we both like the boobies. You start talking about the breasteses, and the next thing you know you and the Jose The Plumber are bumping uglies. Or maybe that's on a DVD I have...

Anywhoo, it's time to head to the Top Chef kitchen for the Quickfire Challenge.

Padma wishes everyone a "Happy Thanksgiving!", which is ridiculous because the season was filmed this past summer. But everyone plays along, and Padma introduces this week's guest judge - Chicago Chef Grant Achatz (rhymes with "maggots" or "fag..." nevermind). The Cheftestants do the usual "OMG - he's a ROCK STAR!", and we find out that Chef Achatz is a "Molecular Gastronomist". "Molecular Gastronomist" comes from the Latin word for "Dork who cooks weird crap and can't get laid". See, DavidDust is educational!

The Cheftestants draw knives, and each knife has a seemingly random number. It turns out that the numbers correspond to page numbers/recipes in the Top Chef Cookbook. Bravo, it seems, is trying to pay some bills (and unload some unsold cookbooks) this episode.

The challenge is to put their individual spin on the recipe found in the cookbook, and complete it in one hour. Jeff With The Hair is doing Howie (well, Howie's RECIPE) and Jeff says he can "bang that out in 15 minutes" and doesn't need the full hour. I'm sure Howie would like it to be over in 15 minutes also.

Leah is doing Hung, using raw fish. Kinky beeyotch. I wonder how long it'll take Leah to "bang that out". I bet it's longer than 15 minutes.

All of a sudden, Padma and Chef Nerd run back in the kitchen and scream STOP!!!.

NerdPad tells the chefs they must NOW make a soup, inspired by their recipe in the Top Chef Cookbook (available at the Barnes & Noble "50% Off" table NOW!). In other words, Leah now has to make "Hung Soup" and Jeff will be making "Howie Chowder". Mmmmmm - tastes like bald guy sweat!

Oh but wait - there's more. The good people at Swanson (available in aisle 12 at your local Piggly Wiggly) have provided some broth for the Cheftestants to use as a soup base. Padma now calls this the "Swanson Broth Quickfire", which Swanson paid Bravo extra for. I would call it the "Throw All The Crap You Were Already Using Into Some Broth And Call It A Soup Challenge". But that might be too wordy.

Crazy Carla has decided to get all "MacGyver" at this point, which means she will create her entire soup with a hairpin, a tube-sock, and some oregano, for flavor. Then Carla mentions her "special ingredient - LOVE". Yep, she's still nuts. Jame - The Lesbian® - loves soup - and would eat soup every day if she could. But would she eat "Howie Chowder"???


Beauty and the Geek walk around and taste everyone's soup. I have a question - who is this "Melissa" person? They mention her every once in a while - and then she disappears. Can everyone else see her too - or is it just me?

The Molecular Geekstonomist announces that he likee the following soup:

Jamie - The Lesbian®
StraightBear Daniel
Princess Leah

Princess Leah and her Boobies are the winners and have immunity for the elimination challenge.

Elimination Challenge:

Padma tells the Cheftestants that they will separate into two teams to cook Thanksgiving dinner. Leah gets to pick her team. She picks:

"Melissa" - If other people on TV talk about her, then she CAN'T be imaginary, right??

The other team - Team Dregs - consists of ... all the rest.

Daniel, who is on Team Dregs - wonders aloud who their "client" may be. He guesses Donald Trump, whom he calls "The most richest and most powerfulest man in New York". Team Dregs will henceforth be known as Team Dumbass, because Daniel is the most stupidest man in New York.

The "clients" appear on a video screen - and it's the Foo Fighters. I must admit, I know the Foo Fighters are a famous band, but I couldn't name one of their songs off the top of my head. I'm more of an R&B/Disco/House kinda gal. This is also known as a "flaming homosexual" - which comes from the Latin term meaning "fabulous dancer". So this whole Foo thing is a big "ho-hum" for me. Now, if they were cooking Thanksgiving for the reunited LaBelle - then my head would have exploded and there would be "Lady Marmalade" all over my television.

The chefs will travel to the Foo's concert venue and cook Thanksgiving dinner for about 60 people. The Foos also have a "rider", which is the document that specifies all the stupid crap that must be in their dressing room before a concert. J-Lo wants white flowers, Madonna wants a StairMaster, and Amy WineWarehouse wants at least four Eightballs of pure Colombian cocaine, etc. Apparently the Foos like bacon and Bluth Frozen Bananas.

The winning team with get to watch the show, and Team Dumbass ... I mean THE LOSING TEAM - will do the clean-up. One person from Team Dumbass ... sorry - from THE LOSING TEAM - will go home.

The concert is in Rochester, NY - and a Roadie meets them at the arena and takes them to the "kitchen" - which is outside. Not only is it outside, there is no refrigeration and only microwaves and toaster ovens to cook in. I'm afraid the Foo Fighters are going to become the Salmonella Fighters if their food isn't cooked properly.

The teams separate and do some planning. The winning team - oh, sorry - "Team Sexy Pants" - is full of Type A "leader" personalities. Stefan of Finland - who has his own catering company - takes charge. He says catering is "a different animal", and assures the rest of his group that he could cook the turkey with only a Bic lighter and a few sticks of butter. Talk about McGuyver! But would he infuse the turkey with LOVE? - that's what I want to know.

Team Dumbass has let Jeff With The Hair take charge. They have called themselves "Team Cougar" with Ariane as their mascot. This probably has something to do with Ariane screaming "You can cook it in the Hot Box!!" I don't know what she was talking about, but it was enough for Jeff, Daniel, Alex, Carla and Gene to make Ariane (and her Hot Box) the mascot of their team. Richard The Pooh is also on board...

Time for shopping. They actually go to a normal-ish supermarket for ingredients - I guess Whole Foods hasn't made it to Rochester yet. The Cheftestants spend a lot of time in the Butterball department, insuring another sponsorship payment to Bravo. Cha-ching!

Back in the Top Chef open-air "kitchen", they will have 3 hours to prepare their Thanksgiving feasts. Hawaiian Gene builds a makeshift charcoal grill to cook his pork dish on. The Lesbian® is bickering with Stefan of Finland - but it doesn't result in a Top Chef Lesbian Fight® - yet. And Jeff remarks that Team Dumbass threw "a lot on my shoulders", and silently hopes that this didn't mess up his hair.

It begins to rain on the "kitchen", and production assistants attempt to set up tents while the chefs are still cooking. Nothing says "Rochester at Thanksgiving" like a warm rain shower. FYI - the real weather forecast for Rochester tonight is a balmy 31 degrees with snow.

Everything is set up, and the judges arrive. Richard The Pooh turns into Scarlett O'Hara lusting over Ashley Wilkes when he sees Chef Tom - breathlessly calling him "Tom Hottie GayBear Icon Colicchio"! Richard adds that the mere sight of the man gives him "butterflies". Get a hold of yourself, Katie Scarlett O'Beara. Chef Ashley will never ask you to gaymarry him. Fiddle dee dee!

The Foos and the Foodies taste Team Dumbass Cougar's food first. We get another MacGyver reference when they found out that Gene cooked his pork on a makeshift grill. Is there some kind of MacGyver DVD boxed-set coming out for Christmas they are trying to plug? Ariane's "Hot Box Turkey" is also big hit - especially with the fellas.

Time to taste Team Sexy Pants' food. They smartly put Dreamy Fabio in charge of service, and he charms the [sexy]pants off Padma and the rest. Everyone seems to likee most of their food better than Team Cougar - except Stefan's turkey. Nothing can compare to Ariane's Hot Box Butterball.

Speaking of Ariane, the judges return for dessert and Ariane is shoveling food in her face - AGAIN. Seriously, why isn't she 300 pounds? I guess when they told everybody to pretend it was Thanksgiving, Ariane really took it seriously. If they show her passed out on in front of the Dallas game on TV, then I'll know she was REALLY serious.

The Judges and the Foos taste the desserts head-to-head. Team Sexy Pants' desserts went over well, while two of the Cougars desserts were not liked at all: Jeff's Fruit "Barfait" and Richard The Pooh's S'more with suspect viscous liquid on top. The Head Foo (I don't know his name) suggests that "The S'mores Guy" didn't like him and "spit" on his S'more. Dear Mr. Foo: maybe he DID like you, and maybe that's not spit...

The two teams await the announcement of the winner - but Team Dumbass' Daniel is feeling confident that his team is going to the show. In fact, Daniel states that he has his "party hat" and "party underwear" on. And probably nothing else. Jeff With The Hair thinks that the judge's decision "could swing either way" - just like Jeff With The Hair.

Team SexyPants is announced the winner, and Daniel yells "That's fucking BULLSHIT", while ripping off his party hat and party underwear. The Cougars proceed to go clean up the Thanksgiving mess.

Team SexyPants, on the other hand, prepares to go to the concert - and each member of the team says "rock out" at least 13 times to show that they are rockers. We then see them dancing at the concert - which proves they are indeed NOT rockers.

After the concert in Rochester, they somehow make their way back to NYC and to the Not-So-Glad Storage room. The winners are happily talking about the concert - to which Daniel gives them the finger. He is the most classiest person in New York.

The members of Team Dumbass Cougars are called in front of the judges table. They are asked to explain what happened, and Jeff immediately says "God made it rain". Why does he hate GOD so much?!? He must be a librul democrat who hates Ammurka.

All the dishes are discussed. They liked Ariane's Hot Box Turkey the best out of both teams, and they also liked Gene's MacGyver-grilled pork. But they hated most of Jeff's dishes (including the "barfait"), Daniel's crunchy mashed potatoes, and Richard's slimy S'mores. The Cheftestants return back to the Not-So-Glad Storage Room to await their sentencing.

Daniel and the Lesbian get into an argument over spilled peanut butter, and I REALLY think THIS will be the first Lesbian vs. Douchebag fight of the season. But alas, it's just another false start. These douches and lezzies really need to step up their game if they're going to surpass Dale and Lisa from last season.

The judges judge and the losers are called back in.

Eugene - safe

Alex - safe. What did he make, anyway??

Carla - safe. Her cobbler wasn't very good, but is WAS infused with love.

Ariane - safe. Her Hot Box came in handy this time.

We are left with two bears and a blond: StraightBear Daniel, GayBear Richard The Pooh, and Jeff With The Hair.

In the end, Richard couldn't convince the judges that his slimy S'mores were worthy of Top Chef - and he is sent into hibernation. Team Rainbow has tanked like the Dow Jones Industrial Average during George W. Bush's presidency.

Richard cries and I truly feel sorry for him. Don't worry Katie Scarlett O'Beara - after all, tomorrow IS another day...

Next week: Kathy Lee Gifford spits (and does not swallow) on the Today Show - and the Cougar attacks!


Kailyn said...

How could you forget? Alex made mac n cheese -- with BACON!

mikeinbama said...

Great Recap.... I still don't know all the cheftestants. There really isn't anyone that is standing out at this point. I'm still trying to understand why GayBear Richard The Pooh made s'mores. Even though I felt sorry for him a the end, that was a stupid move. It's Top Cook not Top Girl Scout S'mores maker.

Hilarious as always. Carla needs to release her inner crazy soon.

Kyle/TheBookPolice said...

If you use pig, and do not give anyone trichinosis, you will be safe. It is a rule.

"Fiddle dee dee" made me snort a little.

Reading this will not make you popular.

theminx said...

The head Foo is Dave Grohl, former drummer for Nirvana. Me likey Foo Fighters (even if they look like they don't bathe often), but then I'm a straight white girl.

I find it scary when we comment on the same things. Must mean our minds are somewhat similar. I know, that scares you too!

Don't forget to read my recap!


Joy said...

Excellent! Maybe your best! (but I say that often) :-)

I cracked up when you wrote about the boobie ploy, product placement, Scarlet O'Beara, Foos and Foodies, "Melissa," Labelle (I agree), and so much I can't mention. Every paragraph made me laugh!

Thanks for taking the time to entertain and amuse us once again!

Love you! Love your recaps! xoxoxoxo

Jennie said...

I love me some Foos, but like The Minx, I am a straight white girl. But I would have rather had Miss Patti tasting the Hot Box Turkey. Just seems like better television, ya know?

Nanc Twop said...

"Howie Chowder" - LOL ...

'Hey, its 'CHOWIEder', Swanson's
newest 'Salty Meat-Water Entree'!

''Daniel, who is on Team Dregs'' - Oh yeah,
'Mr. Undercooked Potato Head' is their mascot.

So sorry Richard fell on that dessert sword.
*Anything else and I bet he'd still be around.

Nice one, David!

my Top Chef posts

Maria said...

"maybe he DID like you, and maybe that's not spit..."
Recaps like this are exactly why I love you!

*~~*Inger*~~* said...

Ariane is the Lisa of this season, every week so far (except this week with her turkey) somebody else has been just bad enough that she's safe. Love the Richard/Scarlett O'Hara comparison!!

frogponder said...

>>Don't worry Katie Scarlett O'Beara - after all, tomorrow IS another day...<<

snortle!! (cross between a chuckle and a snort)

Dave Grohl - le sigh - head Foo-ie.
Bass Player is from our town, his mom attended Eldest during one of his hospital stays, almost made that collapsed lung worth it.

Renee said...

Another hilarious recap. I think I used up 1000 Thanksgiving calories laughing at it.

Beth said...

ahhhhh Tranny....i didn't get to see the show this week, but I feel like I was right there watching it with you. If only......I can dream, can't I?

love you Tranny....and another stupendous job on your part.

shirlsd said...

as usual - you do not disappoint. the snark is at its premium! with love ~ your wcdbunny stalker!

Mark in DE said...

Another brilliant recap! I'm sorry to see GayRichard the Pooh Bear go.

Mark :-)

Tracy said...

Funny as always ... I'm way late on my own recap...

But I have to reply to the "wonder if Whole Foods hasn't made it to Rochester..." The answer is no, and we don't need it because we have Wegmans, a privately owned chain that has received awards for being the best grocery store chain in the country! I can't figure out the reason TC didn't go there...

Kwana said...

I am so late with my comment this week but Bravo. So many points to love. "Throw All The Crap You Were Already Using Into Some Broth And Call It A Soup Challenge". Ha!

Cliff O'Neill said...

Way too many hysterical lines to simply pick one I loved!

Well, there's that imaginary "Melissa" thing.

Beyond that, I'm sorry I missed this episode. I set my DVR, but it seems to have picked up some informercial for assorted cooking items instead.

Well, I'm glad Richard was eliminated on that instead of Top Chef, because if it had been an actual show and he was actually eliminated, I don't know what I'd do.

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