Thursday, November 20, 2008

Top Chef New York - Episode Two - Wiener Takes All

Last week on Top Chef, the military wife went home after being in NYC for 7 minutes, and Team Rainbow’s membership was reduced by 33 % when PocketGay Patrick was sent back to culinary school. And Stefan of Finland won everything they threw at him. Read my Episode One recap HERE.

It’s morning in Brooklyn (which doesn’t have the same ring as “Morning In Manhattan” like on Project Runway) and we are presented with a shirtless Jeff. No thank you. Richard The Pooh is a sad bear now that his little buddy Boo-Boo isn’t around to help steal pick-a-nick baskets. And Ariane is old. She said it, not me.

Stefan of Finland is feeling good about winning 100% of the competitions so far. He is obsessed with my Italian Stallion Fabio, and considers Fabio to be his biggest competition. It seems that when straight Stefan of Finland discusses Fabio, his face lights up and a Finnish twinkle appears in his eye. Dear Stefan: Fabio IS Dreamy, so I totally understand. But keep your hands off my man.

Dreamy Fabio tells us some story about Dragons and Princesses. I have no idea what he’s talking about, but Fabio certainly is pretty… He says something about taking home the Princess and I’m sure he’s talking about me. Now I know why Stefan’s eyes light up when he thinks about Dreamy Fabio.

QuickFire Challenge

Back at the Top Chef Kitchen, Padma welcomes the Cheftestants and introduces restaurateur Donatella Arpaia. From my experience, a “Restaurateur” is someone who can’t cook, but is willing to pay someone who can. And is also willing to pay for tables, chairs, kitchen equipment, etc. And since most restaurants don’t succeed, a “Restaurateur” can also be referred to as a “Sucker with Money to Burn”.

Padma tells everyone that the QuickFire this week will feature something that New Yorkers love and spend $100 million a year on (Crack? Antidepressants? Earplugs?). And for the first time ever, the Cheftestants will actually be competing against an “expert”.

At that precise moment, Susie Hot Dog rolls in with her Hot Dog Cart. Actually, its Angelina D’Angelo of Dominick’s & D’Angelo’s Hot Dog Truck in Queens. Angelina, it seems, is Queen of the Weenies.

The challenge will be to create a signature hot dog. I suggest a simple grilled wiener…

Fabio says: “I love hot dog. Do I know how make hot dog? No. I know how make sausage.” The word “to” never comes out of his perfect mouth – but I don’t care.

I don’t know how I’m supposed (to) take notes for my recap when Fabio is talking about (his) sausage. Did I mention that Fabio is DREAMY?!? Even Stefan thinks so…

Time begins, and the Cheftestants do the usual grab & growl. Ariane, who is old, hasn’t made a hot dog since she ran out of weenies at a July 4th cookout in 1954. Note to Ariane: the recipe hasn’t changed much. StraightBear Daniel, who grew up on Long Island, is EXTREMELY familiar with Angelina’s hot dog truck in neighboring Queens – as evidenced by these recent pictures.

Stefan of Finland puts everything but the kitchen sink into his “World Dog” (tarter sauce??), Jill cuts up some Oscar Meyer Wieners and wraps them up to serve “Asian style” (more like “Loser style"). Hosea isn’t happy with his lumpy, stubby, little short sausages. Quick – someone lie and tell him that “size doesn’t matter”.

Radhika – the Indian gal who has vowed not to get stereotyped as someone who only cooks Indian food, decides to do an “Indian Dog”. Natch.


Padma and Donatella stuff everyone’s wieners into their mouths (including Angelina’s), with the following results:

They likee:

Radhika’s Indian KebabDog – described as “moist” and “satisfying”

Dreamy Fabio’s Mediterranean Sausage. Fabio definitely knows how (to) make sausage.

Hosea’s short and stubby WonderWiener. Size DOESN’T matter???.

They no likee:

Jill’s Oscar Meyer SummerRollDog. She must not know “how make hot dog”, since she used store-bought wieners.

Stefan of Finland’s World Dog. Donatella wouldn’t travel down the block for Stefan’s wiener – let alone around the world. The Fabio-induced twinkle immediately fades from Stefan’s eye.

Radhika is the winner and has immunity. She will now be cooking EVERYTHING with an Indian-inspired twist. Which she was doing anyway.

Elimination Challenge

Padma informs the Cheftestants that for the Elimination Challenge, they will “open a Top Chef restaurant” and create a three-course “New American” lunch menu. They will be feeding 50 New Yorkers. The Cheftestants will break down into three groups: Appetizers, Entrees, and Desserts, and each chef will create his/her own dish.

After some yelling, screaming and general confusion – the teams separate:

Team Appetizer: Dreamy Fabio, The Lesbian® Jamie, Hosea, Princess Leah, and someone named “Melissa”. Where did she come from?

Team Entrée: Stefan of Finland, PapiAlex, Eugene, Jill, and “How’s the Hair?” Jeff.

Team Dessert: Ariane – who is old, Crazy Carla, Richard The Pooh, StraightBear Daniel, and Radhika – who has immunity.

They terrorize Whole Foods for 30 minutes of shopping, with $2500 total to spend.

Hosea, the “seafood guy”, buys canned crab meat for his crab salad. Why doesn’t he just buy some Bumble Bee Tuna and REALLY screw himself? Jill sees a great big Ostrich Egg, and thinks it will be “original” to do a quiche, “Flintstone’s style”. And Fabio, appropriately, is doing Beef Carpaccio, which is delicious raw beef. OMG – did you hear him pronounce the word “carpaccio”? Fabio is SO dreamy…

Back in the Top Chef kitchen, they begin two hours of prep. Jill can’t open her Dinosaur Egg – so Dreamy Fabio helps the Princess in Distress. Ariane – who is old – sounds like a tired Carmela Soprano after a bottle of Pinot Grigio and a Xanax. Ariane is doing a dessert – presumably for the sugar rush.

Chef Tom visits and makes some announcements. First of all, they will be cooking at Tom’s restaurant – Craft – tomorrow. And the “twist” this week is the fact that all the diners will be NYC chefs who tried out for Top Chef and didn’t make it. In other words, a bunch of bitter losers.

Carla predicts that this pack of losers will probably be “jealous” and “critical”. Thank you Miss Marple for solving that mystery.

That evening – back at the Brooklyn pad – Dreamy Fabio and Stefan of Finland are cuddling on the couch. Fabio is talking about dragons and princesses again – but I’m watching Stefan’s hands to make sure he’s not touching on my man. Back off, Straighty!!!

Princess Leah snuggles up to Hosea, saying she’s the type of gal who “likes to have a boyfriend.” That’s also called “horny 24/7” or a “whore”. Apparently Leah doesn’t mind that Hosea’s sausage was short and stumpy.

The next morning they all get up and head over to Craft. The Lesbian® is doing a cold corn coup – which Fabio says is “berry seemple” (very simple?). Fabio is doing something which involves olives and puree and chemistry and solid and liquid. Actually, I have no idea what he’s doing, but GOODNESS he sure looks Dreamy while doing it.

Hosea starts out by saying “so I get my crab out…” which was the same pickup line he uses on Horny Princess Leah – and IT WORKED. Carla is doing some kind of pastry. Her crust is “flaky” but “not perfect” and it’s “driving her crazy”. As my mother would say, I bet that’s a short trip.

Droopy Ariane – who is old – asks everyone to taste her dessert – and everyone lies and says it’s absolutely delish. And Jill finally figures out how to make quiche with her Brontosaurus eggs. Is it me, or does Jill seem extremely stoned?

The bitter Losers fill the restaurant, and immediately start talking restaurant crap. “Blah blah menu blah blah animal fat blah blah avocado blah blah which way to the restroom blah blah”. If I was one of the Cheftestants, I would have hung a banner that said “SUCK IT, Losers!”.

Chef Tom will expedite the service, and advises the chefs not to “double-dip” with their tasting spoons. At the exact same time, the Boobie Brigade (AKA Padma, Donatella, and Gail) enters and sits at the judges table.

Service begins with the appetizers. The judges likee The Lesbian’s® soup, and REALLY likee Dreamy Fabio’s dish – whatever it is. They no likee Hosea’s cold crab dish, which is described as “terrible”, “slimy”, and “muddy”. I guess Princess Leah isn’t that picky. They cut to one of the bitter New York Losers in the dining room who mumbles “I cudda dun way bedda den dis”. Gee, I wonder why he wasn’t selected??

Entrée’s are served, and the judges think Jill’s Stegosaurus Quiche tastes like “dog food” and/or “glue”. I don’t think it was one of their faves. “How’s My Hair?” Jeff is slowing up service of his Chicken & Chorizo dish. When Donatella finally gets her taste, she exclaims “Give me a good Chorizo and I’m happy!”. I’m right there with ya, sister.

It’s dessert time! Radhika has made “Crap In a Cup” (Indian-style, natch) – but it doesn’t matter since she has immunity. Carla has made an apple tart that the judges likee, and Ariane – who is old – serves up “Sugar Surprise” which makes Padma gag and spit into her napkin. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think that is a good sign.

At the end of service, Tom tastes everything back in the kitchen before joining the Boobie Brigade in the dining room. And the bitter Top Chef LoserDiners hand in their tear-stained comment cards and go home to their shattered dreams.

Chef Tom voices his displeasure at the Cheftestant’s take on “New American” cuisine. But he could just be pissed because he had to work during service and couldn’t hang with the Boobie Brigade.

The Cheftestants hang out in the way-too-undramatic Not-So-Glad Storage Room – and Chef Tom calls The Lesbian®, Hosea, Ariane, Fabio, Carla, and Jill to appear before the judges table. Wait, isn’t that Padma’s job? It’s not like she’s busy doing other stuff…

The judges talk to the Cheftestants. When they get to Dreamy Fabio, he immediately begins defending his dish – saying it is a “beeg success” at his California restaurant and sells well and he has no idea why they don’t like it. Padma informs him to cool his tool – they DO like it. “Oh, dat’s good!”, he replies, smiling. OMG – FABIO IS SO DREAMY……… And now the Judges think so too. WATCH YOURSELVES Boobie Brigade – I WILL cut a bitch if you try and lay a hand on my man.

They also likee Jamie’s cold corn puree, which seems to REALLY make Gail and her Boobies perk up. Wait, is Gail flirting with The Lesbian®? Well, at least I won’t have to worry about Gail getting all up in Fabio’s grill (so to speak).

Donatella pronounces Fabio to be the winner (back off Cougar!!) and he exclaims something in Italian that’s even sexier than his story about Dragons and Princesses. Carla, Jamie and Dreamy Fabio return to the Not-So-Glad Storage Room where straight Stefan of Finland greets Fabio with a kiss. That BETTER be some kind of European thing…

We are left with the “No Likee” group – Hosea, Sleepy Ariane (who is old), and Jill Flintstone. Hosea is shocked … SHOCKED … to be in the loser group.. Unfortunately, the judges are not. Ariane – who is old – is informed that Padma spit (and did not swallow) her dessert and that’s all I’m going to say.

But the best is when Gail and her Boobies ask Jill to defend her dish, and how Jill will improve next time. Here is Jill’s dumbass response:

As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where do they go? It’s Alaska. It’s just right over the border. It is from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there, they are right next to our state.

Or something to that effect.

The judges deliberate, then call the three losers back in front of the Judge’s Table. Jill is told to pack her knives and go. Jill is surprised that it wasn’t Old Ariane who was sent home. You know, with the whole spitting situation and all. Ariane cries as if SHE is going home – perhaps preparing for her departure next week.

Jill will head back to the town of Bedrock and continue cooking Pterodactyl Omelets at the Hard Stone Café. Yabba Dabba Dooooo!!!!!!

Next week on Top Chef: Thanksgiving! Foo Fighters! Spit on a Plate!! It rains on Dreamy Fabio’s Tiramisu!!!


Tracy said...

It was worth the wait! You are too friggin' funny.

mikeinbama said...

I loved it...GREAT RECAP. I'm surprised that Gail hasn't really unleashed her boobies this season.

Loved the Flinstones reference.
*note to self, Padma doesn't swallow but actually spits it out*

I laughed out loud....Once again, BRILLIANT!

mischa said...

Hilarious, as always. And I couldn't agree with you more, Fabio is Dreamy but you probably could have reminded us a few more times.....loved that. And I must say, I do have a weakness for a man with an accent.

Howard said...

There are far too many LOL moments in this recap to single out any of them, but it might have been one of your best - and that is saying something!

You can have your Fabreezio or whatever his name is, I think I want Richard The Pooh. But I swear I noticed Stefan The Finn slip Fabreezio s little tongue in the congrats kiss. I was shocked....

andrea tuthill said...

Awesome recap...I swear you can tell who the finalists are already...and are we really sure Stefan is straight???...I swear he is making a play for your boy Fabio...

Carla is soooo insane...
and I love how Ariane (who is old) and who is scared adn timid and acting like someone is forcing her to be there..tells everyone that she makes taste her horrible mess that if she goes down that they are gonna hear it!??! she needs a self improvement class...

can't wait to see your recap next week!

theminx said...

So, you like-a da Fabio, eh? (giggle) Maybe he'll e-mail you. ;)

Read theminx's review here.


karmelrio said...

Next week, just back off, bitches. Dave Grohl's MINE.

Tracy said...

Sorry to burst your bubble, but it appears that our dreamboat is taken. See the last sentence of this article:

David Dust said...

Tracy -

He wouldn't be the first married straight man I have been "acquainted with" - and certainly wouldn't be the last!

Thanks for the link!


Lulda Casadaga said...

Great recap...I missed the first 5-10 minutes so I didn't get to hear Fabios know last week I didn't think he was all that...but, this week...mama mia!! ;) Ah, don't worry this cougar will keep her paws off the fabulous.

I still think Crazy is a drag queen! Have a great weekend.

Tivo Mom said...

I finally watched the show this afternoon so that I could read the recap "in the know". I do agree about Fabio. Its that damn accent. So lovely. As for the rest as always thanks for the laugh. Not sure who my favorites are yet (we all know yours). I am still searching but for now I will jump on the Fabio bandwagon with you. Later tater.

Jimbo said...

I laughed...I cried...I laughed some more. Then I thought of Fabio and touched my special place. Mmmm....

Great recap!! :)

frogponder said...

Gawd, I had an exhausting day today with the Lost Boys and sooooo needed all the laughs I *knew* would be waiting for me when I got home to read the recap. I feel better already. :-)

(ALL the Foos, all the Foos are going to be mine!!)

ReRe said...

oh david, you are so right about Fabio. He's hottie, even though his grammar is terrible. and yes, Jill was stoned, which is why she picked an ingredient from the Stone age!

check out my recap next week and i'll be back to check out yours!

Bull E. Vard said...

Wow, great recap. Thanks for making my sorry efforts look horrible by comparison. Actually my efforts are most like Jill's; shitty no matter what you compare them to.

Amber LeMay said...

That was a funny show! And Fabio, Fabio, Fabio... wow.

I think we're going to be seeing old Ariane for several more weeks. Others that are not quite as bad as she is will do something stupid (like try to be "original" with an ostrich egg) and get yanked (and not in a good way).

And what cartoon character does Carla remind you of? Can't quite put my finger on it...

Dannelle said...

BEST read of the day! Heck, the whole week since your last review! Thanks for lightening up my day-Dannelle

Nanc Twop said...

Ariane cries as if SHE is going home – perhaps preparing for her departure next week.

Totally, - you read my mind.

and this ? -

Jill will head back to ...
continue cooking Pterodactyl Omelets
... Yabba Dabba Dooooo!!!

- golden!

Thanks for the laughs

my Top Chef posts

Joy said...

This is going to be an interesting season, isn't it? Stoner Jill makes Stella seem lucid (almost),and I just love that explanation comparison! Too funny! Way too many hilarious lines in this to list them all! Great recap!

Don't cut me, but I also like me some Fabio - love Italian accents! What's with him and Sven, uh Stefan, with that kiss?

JenM said...

Very funny recap (as always!)

Did you see Padma's reaction to the "bone" in her mouth from Jamie's "dog"? Classic, rewind and find if you can.

Also, I was thinking Ariane could have been one of the seven dwarfs...sleepy, dopey or the little known eighth dwarf, droopy.

Until next week!

Kwana said...

“I cudda dun way bedda den dis”. A total crack up! Too funny. So you think he's dreamy huh? This will be a fun season with you and me.

Dan said...

Boobie Brigade! LMAO

Timmy said...

What did Ariane expect when asked the others to taste her dessert? LOL

Renee said...

You're hilarious. My face hurts from laughing so hard.

Beth said...

when Padma spit into her napkin...I thought I would pee my pants!!! funny!!!!

and Fabio??!!! Yumio!!!

God, I love you Tranny!!!!

Berry Blog said...

You've lost no luster this season. Thoroughly funny reading. and now you have three roles to play with, Kid, Daddy,and "princess"? Love your take on Fabio and Fin-ster.(That better be some kind of European thing)
Looking forward to the next.

shirlsd said...

i chose to jones yesterday - i saved my read of your recap for this morn on my mental health day-off ... AND WHAT A GREAT WAY to start my day - great pee-in-my-pants chuckles! (i'll go bhg-ing for the nerdy tcfrivolity thing ... thank goodness we gots you & your recaps!)

(one of my fave snarks in your recap ... Hosea isn’t happy with his lumpy, stubby, little short sausages. Quick – someone lie and tell him that “size doesn’t matter”.)

Kyle/TheBookPolice said...

Ha! Jill = Palin. And isn't it just too much fun to spell Fabio's dialogue phonetically? "Berry seemple," too funny.

Bunnies, come on by when you're done!
Reading this will not make you popular.

Psychomom said...


Cliff O'Neill said...

Um, previous commenter, re: Richard. Hands off! I called dibs!

Am totally cracking up over your Fabio lust. (If I was into that type, he'd be right at the top of my list too.)

Died laughing at the Ariane "sounds like a tired Carmela Soprano after a bottle of Pinot Grigio and a Xanax" line!

And how ever did I know we'd both pick up on the Chorizo comment!

Anonymous said...

You Guys Crack me up. Ha Ha watch it it did not slip Fabio a kiss ha ha. But if it makes you happy. Yes i loooove Fabio. But please i need some loving to ;-). Keep going Guys i love it, makes me laugh and cry at the same time.




Anonymous said...

Hi-larious! And thanks for stopping by on my blog!

Ariane is the epitome of the haggard Northern Jersey mother. My husband likes to channel his inner Northern Jersey bitch whenever we're driving through Paramus en route to visit our families in PA, and the character that emerged from it has to drive all the way to the Bronx to get her mother the bread she wants, and then drive to the CVS to get her prescriptions. And she's utterly crushed that the Starbucks at the Palisades closed.

Ariane is the flesh-and-blood version of this otherwise ficitional character, and it's the only reason why I want her on the show for the time being.

Anonymous said...

Fabio's accent is the fakest real accent Ive ever heard.

Great recap!

brooke/chef biatch

Limecrete said...

Ariane – who is old – sounds like a tired Carmela Soprano after a bottle of Pinot Grigio and a Xanax.

I'd say it's funny cause it's true, but mostly it's sad because it's true.

Loved the Palin/Jill comparison, by the way. Dead on.

Mark in DE said...

"Angelina, it seems, is Queen of the Weenies."

But I though YOU were the Queen of the Weenies!!!

I actually watched Top Chef for the 1st time, just because I knew you were recapping it. I must say that your recaps are WAY better than watching the actual show. I swear you crack me up!

Good work!!!

Mark :-)

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