Project Runway Episode 7 - "Big Girls Don't Cry"

On last week’s Project Runway: Ven was a douchenozzle. The End. 

This week’s show opens at the Atlas Apartments – with Gunnar applying eye makeup and the gals plotting to eliminate some of the male “Silk Chiffonnies”. 

Then it’s off to the runway, where Heidi is rocking short, shiny and tight (as usual). She informs the designers that they will be meeting Tim on Fifth Avenue – the street of expensive merchandise and the European tourists who can afford it. 

Tim Gunn and the H.B.I.C. of Lord & Taylor meet the designers at the L&T flagship store. Inside, there are 9 rings mannequins representing mortal men doomed to die the previous 9 seasons of Project Runway. The challenge this week will be to create at 10th look to complete the Project Runway Lord & Taylor collection. The winning design will be produced and sold at L&T, as well as featured in the 5th Avenue windows of the store. Oh my Lord & Taylor! 

The designers get 30 minutes to sketch in the store, then its back to the workroom, where fabrics have been provided for them. Even though there are colors included in the many bolts of fabric to choose from, everyone pulls a Kim Kardashian and goes directly for the black. Sorry – I couldn’t resist. 

Designers start to put together their designs. Christopher has decided to do a gown, since the previous designers mostly did cocktail dresses. Gunnar and his eye makeup are excited about the challenge, because he knows the Lord & Taylor customer. Sonjia is nervous because she was in the bottom last week. Alicia is making something the judges won’t like but, like a lesbian Honey Badger, she don't give a shizz (great strategy). And Elena is slowly unraveling because she doesn’t do pretty little dresses for department stores – she does coats with huge shoulders for football players. 

Blah blah blah … Ven states “It’s not about me”, it’s about his customer. As opposed to last week, when it was about bashing his customer. Ven also thinks that men are stronger designers – because girls are stupid and fat. And Elena is losing it – saying that “this is not my thing” and that the judges don’t understand her. Honey, it’s hard to understand you when you’re either shrieking or crying. Or both. 

Tim Gun visits. He likes Gunnar’s little black dress. And Fabio’s little black dress. And everyone’s little black friggin dresses. OMG this episode is boring… 

Anywhore, Tim gets to Elena and she starts wailing like a colicky baby. She doesn’t to “mass market” (she does haute couture, obvs) – and she doesn’t understand why she’s in the bottom all the time (because you’re not that good, honey). 

Commercial break: Coma! “They’re not really dead. They’re not really alive either”. Like Ven’s personality and Elena’s designs… 

Back to the breakdown. Elena is now crying to Gunnar, who is being sweet and supportive and hugs her. What happened to the Evil Gunnar that we saw early in the season? Not that I’m complaining, mind you. 

With three hours left in the work day, the models come in for fittings. It’s now time for Melissa to unravel – something about having to redo her entire dress and hating the fabric blah blah blah. 

Day one ends and Runway day begins with the usual last minute scramble. Fabio – who likes to dress up like a pretty princess – is wearing a crown of flowers this week. It’s very “Jesus meets Woodstock meets a grocery store floral department”. The guys all seem calm, but the women are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. 

Speaking of breakdowns, it’s now Sonjia’s turn to freak out. Tim has to talk her down from her ledge, telling her to “channel your inner winner”. Which will be the title of Tim’s next book, I’m sure. 

Onto the runway – where Heidi is rocking … everybody say it with me now … short, shiny and tight. She introduces the judges: Michael, Nina and the Lord & Taylor lady. 

Models walk and judges gawk. When all is said and done, Ven, Dmitri and Sonjia are safe. Heidi announces that there were four designs with high scores and two with low scores. 

High Scores…Fabio, Christopher, Melissa and Elena. Of course, upon hearing the news, Elena cries. 

Lower Scores… Gunnar and Alicia. 

Then, during the judges discussion, I had to help my roommate with something so I didn’t see anything until the final results. Sorry. I DID hear something about a field hockey uniform and asymmetrical hems, but that’s all I got. 

Results. Christopher is the winner… 

Fabio, Elena, and Melissa are in. This leaves Gunnar and Alicia on the chopping block. 

Alicia is in … so that means Gunnar is … ALSO IN. Thanks to Andrea and Killer Kooan walking out a few episodes ago, the producers/judges were able to keep everyone. Which is kind of a letdown after investing 1 ½ hours of watching a show, only to find out that the results didn’t really matter. 

What did YOU think of the episode? Please leave a comment. 

Project Runway Episode 6 - "Real Women"

Last week’s challenge was to design for a woman on the go at work. Elena acted like a raving lunatic, Gunnar acted like a snippy biatch, and Raul acted like a ruffled bib was haute couture (he was so wrong). Melissa won and Raul was sent home (again). 

This week’s episode opens, as usual, with yawns and coffee at the Atlas Apartments. 

Then it’s off to the runway, where Heidi announces that the designers will be getting “new clients”. Then a bunch of random people walk out onto the runway. OMG – these are not models!!! Whatever will the designers do?!? 

It turns out that these people are just the friends of some slobs in need of a serious transformation. Heidi tells everyone to meet Tim in the workroom, where they will meet the friends and these mysterious slovenly ragamuffins. 

Tim greets everyone in the workroom, where he is joined by L’Oreal Paris hair cutie Johnny Lavoy (which HAS to be a made up name – his real name is probably “Juan Sanchez” or something). Anywhore, this will also be a hair challenge, which means that Mr. Sanchez Lavoy will be selling L’Oreal hair care products throughout the episode. Because you’re worth it. 

The designers meet their clients and their clients’ friends. Sonjia’s client hates shopping, Elena’s client is smiling and bubbly (the exact opposite of Elena), Nathan’s client is an R&B singer who wants to be “sexy with swag” (the exact opposite of Nathan), and Fabio’s client doesn’t want to be “sexualized” because it makes her feel weak. So she normally dresses like a lumberjack – which makes her feel strong (?). 

Then we get to Ven. Ven’s client Terri is a T-shirt-and-jeans gal who’s a little on the large side. But Robot Ven busts a gasket over how big she is – saying he is “extremely disappointed” and complains about her waistline and hipline. In reality, Terri is just a regular gal (and is smaller than Ven, thankyouverymuch), but Ven acted like he was dressing this… 

Ven didn’t really talk to his client much or ask about her story – he immediately panicked about how big she was and just couldn’t get past it the entire episode. Hell, even GUNNAR had a good attitude this challenge, saying that he’s used to making clothes for real women. He even hugged and comforted his client when she started crying. Gunnar should have snuck over and given poor Terri some hugs – she definitely could have used them. 

Then it’s off to Mood, where Fabio is contemplating “shades of gray” for his design. Let’s hope it’s not 50 shades of gray, or his client will DEFINITELY be sexualized. A lot. 

Back to the workroom, where poor Nathan is out of his element. The last time he designed clothing for a musician he did so for his mother – who was performing classical music. I’m almost certain his mother didn’t ask for a form-fitting satin dress with cut outs. 

Commercial Break: The Week The Women Went. Day 3 – The men struggle to throw a beauty pageant, so help is brought in. “Hey Cleetus, I think those fellers are them there HOMERSEXTICALS!” 

Workroom: Ven keeps complaining about how unfair it is that he got the largest gal and others got skinny gals. Please STFU now. Gunnar – showing his softer side – misses his family. And Fabio gets to video chat with his cat. Meow. 

Tim Gunn visits, and things go as usual until he gets to Ven. Ven UNLOADS about how he’s never worked with a plus size girl before and how she’s “Oh my God, she’s like a 14!” and “doesn’t have a shape” or a “sense of style”. Ven literally calls her a “nightmare” and I’m pleading with my TV screen to try and convince Tim to slap the stank outta him (unfortunately that never happens). Ven even complains about her AGE – 40. Tim basically tells Ven that his client is not old, she’s not a nightmare, and that Ven needs to make it work, asshole. In so many words. 

The clients come in with their new hairdos for fittings. As you can imagine, everything goes ok for most of the designers, except Ven … “Black is very slimming” … “You have a nice face” – which is international code for “You’re fat” … he also gives her belts to try on (they don’t fit). Everyone in the workroom is cringing at how Ven is treating this poor woman. 

Day #1 ends and back at the Atlas Apartments Ven is still complaining about large silhouettes. OMG STFU! 

Runway day begins with the clients getting into hair and makeup and getting into their garments. Poor Terri starts to cry when Ven won’t stop mentioning the belts that don’t fit her. 

Ven: “I can see it in her face that she’s not happy”. What, do you mean those streams of water coming out of her eyes?!? Those are called “TEARS”, you fat bald robot with no feelings. 

Then it’s off to the runway, where the friends and the designers are in the audience. Heidi introduces the judges: Michael Kors, Nina Friggin Garcia, and some English lady. 

The clients walk and judges gawk. Most of the clients are beaming from ear to ear. One, in particular, is not. I’ll give you 10 guesses… 

Results: Melissa, Chris, Alicia and Elena are safe. 

Dmitry, Fabio and Gunnar are on top and Ven, Sonjia and Nathan are on the bottom. Fabio, btw, is wearing his best dumpster dress today. 

Judge judge judge … blah blah blah. Ven now has Terri’s friend crying – and robot Ven just stands there. 

Heidi: "One – or maybe more of you – will be out". 

Fabio is the winner… 

Nathan is out for this “Hootchie Mama” look for the R&B singer… 

And Ven and Sonjia are still in, even though Ven made Terri look like she was in a Lane Bryant catalogue … 

Next week: Elena goes back to being crazy! 

What did YOU think of the episode? Please leave a comment. 

Project Runway Episode 5: "Drag Queen Cocktail Hour"

Last week on Project Runway: Andrea disappeared, Killer Kooan quit, and Eddie Munster Raul returned – and was all “I’m back, bitches!”. 

Sonjia won the “Gal on the Go” challenge – while Buffi lost, becoming an actual Gal on the Go (going directly out the door). 

On this week’s episode, it’s morning in Manhattan and the designers have the usual sads over their departed fashiontestants, and the usual statements of “stepping up” in the competition. We also find out that Raul “loves” Christopher – a “connection” he hasn’t felt in a while. Translation: It's been a while (if you smell what I'm stepping in) and Christopher is starting to look like Ryan Gosling compared to some of the other designers. 

Then it’s off to the runway, where Heidi meets them with the dreaded Button Bag in hand and the dreaded Nina Friggin Garcia at her side. NFG is there to plug a new magazine – Marie Claire At Work. As you might expect, this new fashion rag is all about how ho’s dress from 9:00 to 5:00. 

The challenge this week will be to create a collection that is both editorial (there will be a photoshoot) and works in the “real world”. So, basically, this is the “Gal on the Go” challenge except this Gal isn’t going anywhere after work. 

The designers are broken up into two teams – Sonjia gets to pick first since she won the last challenge and Nathan’s name is picked out of the button bag – so he picks second. 

This is how the teams shake down: 

Team 6: Sonjia, Elena, Melissa, Dmitry, Alicia, Raul. 

Team 5: Nathan, Ven, Christopher, Fabio and Gunnar. 

Gunnar and Raul are picked last, and this obviously bothers them because they proceed to act like crazy bitches for the rest of the episode. Raul – who was picked dead last – is upset that Christopher didn’t “have his back” (cough cough). Calm down Eddie, you’ll be home soon and free to get your freak on, don’t worry. 

The teams head back to the workroom for 30 minutes of sketching and bitching. Raul is all about “Lace Raffles” (ruffles) and doesn’t care what anybody else thinks. Gunnar doesn’t “want to work with all these f#$%ing people!” – and according to the behavior of his teammates, the feeling is mutual. 

Then it’s time for a fabric flurry at Mood. Raul goes right for the lace and Team 5 heads for the Silk Chiffon department. Everyone returns to the workroom only to find out that Team 6 has left a bag at Mood. 

Then something happens to Elena. You know how Staples has an “Easy Button”? Well I think Elena has a “Crazy Button” – and someone pushed it 

Elena curses, she stomps around, she shrieks at anyone in her way. It’s bizzare. Christopher compares her to a wild person who just escaped from the woods. 

Tim Gunn visits – and starts with Team 6. For some reason, Tim likes Raul’s “raffles” and the collection in general. 

Then he visits Team 5 – AKA Team Silk Chiffon. Tim is worried that the collection is going to look “clownish”. Gunnar calls it “Drag Queen Cocktail Hour” which sounds like fun if you ask me. Gunnar, it turns out, also wants to use lace on his dress (without the ‘raffles’), but Tim talks him down from that ledge. Now if Tim could only get through to Elena and talk some sense to that crazy mess. 

After Tim leaves, Gunnar decides to completely change his look. “Dear Gunnar” he states out loud, and proceeds to have a nice little conversation with himself. It’s inspiring when the clinically insane have a breakthrough right in front of your very eyes, isn't it? 

Elena decides that she hates Dmitry’s navy fabric, as well as the shirt she is making, and everyone and everything in the universe. The Universe responds with a “Right back atcha”. 

Models arrive for fittings. Everyone rushes to finish. Dmitry calls Ven a “One Way Monkey” (one trick pony???). Team 6 calls Team 6 the “Silk Chiffonies” and Melissa remarks that women don’t wear silk chiffon to work every day. Or “raffles”, I’m assuming. 

Day One ends and Photoshoot Day begins. Each team must select 3 photographs, which will be considered (along with the runway show) as part of their scores. 

Someone hits Elena’s crazy button again, and she spends a good 3 hours freaking out. She yells about props, she yells about the model’s poses, and she even yells at the hair and makeup Queens. Not a smart move Elena – those Queens will make sure your models are fugged up from now on – mark my words. 

Dmitry sums up the entire episode in two words: “Ugh … Elena”. 

COMMERCIAL BREAK: The Week The Women Went – Day Two. Cleetus and Jim Bob go to the Piggly Wiggly and it gets ugly. 

The photoshoots ends and it’s time for the Runway show. Heidi greets the designers and introduces the judges: Michael Kors, Nina Friggin Garcia and NFG’s boss, Joanna Coles. 

Models walk and judges gawk. When all is said and done, both teams end up with exactly the same scores. This means anyone could win or lose, and either team can win the Marie Claire at Work photoshoot. 

Heidi talks to each team, and asks the dreaded “Who was the weakest link” question. On Team 5 the general consensus is Gunnar, and on Team 6 it’s Raul and Elena. 

The judges likee Melissa’s dress with the ridiculously high collar, as well as Fabio’s and Christopher’s looks. 

The judges no likee Elena’s puffy shoulder outfit, Gunnar’s “2 puppies wrestling in a sack” boobie dress and Raul’s two bad tops (cough cough). 

Results: Team 6 will get the photoshoot (despite Elena and Raul). And Melissa is the winner… 

And Raul is the looser… 

Next week on Project Runway: the dreaded “We’re not dressing skinny models this time” challenge! Oh noes!!!!!

What did YOU think of last night’s episode – please leave a comment and let us know. 

Project Runway Episode 2: "Sugar Buzz"

Last time on Project Runway … Times Square! … Python bibs!! … A crazy Asian!!! Christopher won the challenge (and now has immunity) and someone named Beatrice was sent home.

This week begins with yawns and coffee in the Atlas Apartments. Lantie is shocked … SHOCKED I tells ya … that she was in the bottom two last time. And Ven is also shocked … that he didn’t win. Ven strikes me as the type of guy who expects to win every challenge, forever, and gets a case of the sadds when he doesn’t.

The designers head to the runway, where they are greeted by Heidi. Ms. Klum tells them that Tim is waiting for them at another location. Wait, is Elena wearing a burka?

The location of the challenge is Dylan’s Candy Bar – a candy store owned by Dylan Lauren (Ralph’s little girl). Who I kept calling “Lauren Dylan” in my notes for some reason. She is there with Tim to greet the fashiontestants. Tim announces that this will be the “unconventional challenge”. Obviously psychotic psychic Gunnar announces that he had a dream about a candy challenge before he came on the show, but he was probably just napping during reruns of the Hershey’s challenge and thought it was a dream.

The designers have 30 minutes to do their best “Supermarket Sweep” inside the store. Ready ... set … PILLAGE!!!

Melissa goes immediately to the black candy … Andrea keeps draping fabric on the sales people … Tim Gunn is amazed at the candy LEGOs … and Christopher wants a chocolate boyfriend. So do I, and his name is Tyson Beckford…

Thank you Lauren Dylan’s Candy Bar!

Back in the workroom, Elena has ditched her burka, Sonjia is working with gummy sharks and the lesbian announces that she will be doing an overall, because that’s what lesbians do.

Christopher and Gunnar continue the intricate “Stank Dance of the Gays” which they started last week. This complicated ritual includes rolling of eyes, evil laughs and accusations of being “threatened by me”. Christopher and Gunnar either REALLY hate each other or they’ll be having sexytimes at any moment. You can never really tell with the gays.

More workroom … Buffi is slaying vampires umbrellas with a hammer … Lantie used to be bankrupt. Andrea, who was born on Halloween, is all like “I got this”, while Killer Kooan is all like “I’m gonna weave sweater out of Twizzler”. We also find out that Ven graduated cum laude, summa cum laude, and super summa cum laude at FIT. And he’s not ashamed to talk about it.

Tim Gun visits the workroom. Nathan is making a heavy candy lampshade (which doesn’t seem to bother Tim). Elena, somehow, has found beige licorice – and has decided it would make the PERFECT dress. Fabio is having a “Glue the shit out of it moment”. And Gunnar is all “peplum” this and “peplum” that – which I would make a joke about but I have no idea what a “peplum” is.

Then Tim comes to Andrea. Andrea, remember, is all “I got this ‘cause I was born on Halloween and have candy in my veins”. However, Tim knocks the wind out of her candy-coated sails when he says:

“I don’t have the adequate words to tell you how completely underwhelmed I am by this”.

Ouch.

This makes Andrea cry and then she cuts up her outfit in an attempt to start over. Later she regrets this and goes back to her original idea. Tim Gunn be damned.

Finally, with time running out, Lantie decides to start over and make a dress out of umbrellas and absolutely no candy. If you haven’t guessed, this probably won’t go over well with the judges. But Lantie, much like the Honey Badger, doesn’t seem to give a shizz.

Commercial break: Coming up on Lifetime … “The Week The Women Went”… OMG Jethro, who will cook and clean and do the laundry and feed us?!? I don’t know Cleetus, but I sure wish them womenfolk were back.

Also coming up on Lifetime: “The Week Without Paper Towels” and the dark thriller “OMG I Lost My Bus Pass”.

Day one ends and Runway Day begins. Kooan and Buffi are having shrinkage issues … with their cotton candy. Elena’s beige licorice masterpiece is literally falling apart. And Ven instructs his model not to slouch or bend or fix her shoe or touch anyone or touch herself or touch anyone else’s shoe or think about touching anything ever.

Runway time. Heidi welcomes the judges: Michael, Nina, and Lauren Dylan Dylan Lauren. Let’s start the show…

My weekly “Looks Like ASS” award goes to … Killer Kooan:

Models walk and the judges gawk. When it’s all said and done, Heidi calls out the following names:

Gunnar, Elena, Ven, Sonjia, Lantie and Buffi. These are the top and bottom three – the rest are safe. Surprisingly, Killer Kooan’s “Looks Like Ass” garment is safe.

Judges likee: Gunnar (candy looks like fabric); Sonjia (cute aquatic theme); and Ven (stained glass theme).

They no likee: Buffi (looks like a 5 year-old going to a birthday party); Elena (“Rigatoni Mad Max” – Kors); and Lantie (no candy, no transformation, just decoration).

And the winner is Ven … Sonjia, Gunna and Elena are safe. This leaves Lantie and Buffi.

And Buffi is safe so Lantie goes home for her umbrella couture…

On next week’s show … Teams! Past designers as models/clients! … Kenley might throw cats!! Stay tuned!!!

What did YOU think of last night’s episode???

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Project Runway Ep. 1 - "Getting To Know You"

So Project Runway is BACK, bitches. And so are my recaps, at least until the show pisses me off enough to stop.

As always, the first ProjRun episode is all about “Getting To Know You” – learning about the fashiontestants. Little things like who lost their mother at an early age, who's a braids-wearing lesbian, and who eats out of dumpsters. You know, the basics.

Last night’s episode started big – with 16 nervous designers having a Champagne toast with Tim, Heidi, Michael and Nina smack dab in the middle of Times Square. The first runway show, you see, was being held at “The Crossroads of the World” – formerly home to hookers and my favorite sleazy go-go boy bar, and now home to The Lion King and a Hello Kitty store. Progress?

But then, just like in a Lifetime miniseries starring Meredith Baxter Birney, we flash back to 24 hours earlier to the designers arriving at Parsons.

First we meet Buffi – who is half Indian, half Australian, has a British passport and was raised in Dubai. The result is a gal with a killer accent who’s probably on a Homeland Security “no fly” list.

We also meet Gunnar – who auditioned last year and didn’t make it. This year he DID make it, and will be playing the role of Evil Gay. Actually, “gay” doesn’t really cover Gunnar’s gayness … Gunnar is REALLY gay. SUPERNATURALLY gay. Gayer than brunch on Fire Island. Gayer than Liberace’s favorite tiara… You get the picture.

Next up is Lantie, who doesn’t know how old she is (38?, 48?) and Ven, who is like a Jedi Master of designers. One wave of his hand and a beautiful cocktail dress made out of silk charmeuse just appears. The Force is strong with this one.

Tim Gunn enters to greet the fashiontestants and to pay the bills. Brother sewing machines! Hewlett-Packard gizmos! The Lord & Taylor accessories wall! Question: why does the accessories wall sponsor always bail after a year or two. ProjRun is running out of stores to sponsor that shizz. Eventually they’ll be stuck with the “Claire’s Accessories Wall” (below) and nobody wants that.

Tim announces the first challenge. Each designer has sent in a “signature design”, which is there in the workroom. The designers must create a companion piece to this design. They have one day and $100 to spend at Mood. And, as we know already, they’ll be showing their designs in a hookerless Times Square. Ready, set, SKETCH…

Now it's time for Mood! Hello Swatch! Thank you Mood!

Back in the workroom we continue to meet designers. Next up is Andrea, who is the oldest (58) and the Noo Yawkiest of the designers.

We also meet Christopher – who either lives in my neighborhood (Astoria) or at home with his Mom in Long Island (I SWEAR he said both). Christopher likes to wear scarves indoors. He also tries to make smalltalk with the freakishly gay Gunnar, who shoots him down (get it? Gunnar shoots!!) with an “I’m not here to make friends, Beeyotch” attitude. Evil. 

We also meet Raul – who is having trouble with his “raffles” (ruffles) and his “steeches” (stiches). Then there’s Fabio, who is originally from Brazil and is a “freegan”. Freeganism is when you do your “shopping” out of dumpsters instead of using “money” to pay for “things”. It’s also another word for being either really "cheap" or really "poor" (or both). Regardless, Andrea comments that she won’t be dining at Fabio’s apartment anytime soon, and I second that emotion.

Next up is Dmitry – who is a former ballroom dancer from Belarus. He also did some modeling, but that wasn’t manly enough for him so he went into the manly man profession of lumberjacking ballroom dancing. And now he’s a fashion designer. Like a real man.

Tim Gunn visits the workroom, and perhaps the most memorable moment is when he visits Kooky Kooan (below) – the weird Japanese guy with an afro (“Ja-fro”?). Tim has absolutely no idea what to make of our wacky Asian friend, and neither do I. I keep expecting them to bang a gong every time he says something (a la "Long Duck Dong" in Sixteen Candles).

Tim leaves and the models arrive for fittings. Christopher’s model is actually smaller than the dress form (Sweet Jeebus!), so he has to take apart his dress and “steech” it back together.

Day #1 ends, and Day #2 begins – and everyone is frantic. The designers take their models to hair and makeup and then it’s off to Times Square for the show.

Heidi gives us the “One day you’re in” spiel and introduces the judges: Michael Kors, Nina Friggin Garcia, actress Lauren Graham and the very first Guest Judge on ProjRun – Patricia Fields. Who, by the way, sounds like she smokes a carton of cigarettes every hour. Just sayin.

Models walk. During this time I don’t take many notes, but one note I did take read as follows:

“Lantie. 2nd look was ASS”

After the show they head back to Parsons for judging. Heidi calls Kooan, Ven, Lanti, Christopher, Beatrice and Melissa. These are the top and bottom 3 – the rest are safe.

Top Three:

Melissa – all black.

Christopher – the judges rave about his first look, which is a gown.

Ven – “Super Couturier Guy”. Looks “expensive” (which, as we all know, Nina LOVES).

Bottom Three:

Kooan – “borderline Teletubby” (Kors). Nina isn’t sure about his wacky behavior.

Beatrice – “Knit Girl”. Heidi said it was sad. Kors think she’s a “Snuggie Designer”.

Lanti – “Snakes in the Flower Garden”. Huh? Nina calls the 2nd look “horrifying” (AKA “Ass”, thankyouverymuch).

Results:

Christopher and his scarf are the winners. Ven and Melissa and Kooky Kooan are safe.

This leaves Lanti with her snakes and Beatrice and her knits…

And Beatrice is out…

What did YOU think of last night’s episode? Are you excited for Project Runway to be back? Leave a comment and let us know!

Top Chef Texas: Remember The Alamo

On last week’s episode of Top Chef, the cheftestants catered a Healthy Choice block party and Paul won with a delish (and healthy) Asian dish. Chris J, on the other hand, was sent home for having a ridiculous pigtail on the top of his head. And also for dry-ass chicken salad. 

This week, the chefs enter the Top Chef kitchen and are greeted by a table full of Padmas and a pancake (or vice versa, my notes are sketchy). Pancake Padma explains that they’ll be making the favorite food of today’s guest judge. Grayson immediately thinks they might be cooking for Miley Cyrus, but if that were the case there would be Funyons and cigarettes on that table instead of pancakes. Duh. 

The next thing we see is the guest judge riding in on his shiny bike – and it’s Pee-wee Herman!!! The Quickfire this week will be to make Pee-wee some pancakes in 20 minutes. 

Cook cook cook – pancakes pancakes pancakes. After the 20 minutes are up, Padma and Pee-wee feast on the flapjacks. Pee-wee tells everyone that their pancakes are the best he’s ever eaten. Hey, he’s a loner … a rebel … Pee-wee can do or say what he wants. 

And the winner is … Ed for his burnt pancake bits and pieces! Seriously, he didn’t make pancakes; he made pancake leftovers and won. Whatevs. 

Padma explains this week’s elimination challenge. Poor Pee-wee has bad memories from the Alamo (it’s a long story involving a stolen bike and a non-existent basement), so the chefs need to create a great lunch for Pee-wee at the Alamo in order for him to finally have some good memories of the Texas monument. 

But it’s not going to be easy. The cheftestants will be going on their own big adventure… they’ll be given a bike, a map, and 100 bucks to create lunch. They’ll have to buy their ingredients and find a kitchen to cook in on their own. The chefs meet briefly with Pee-wee to find out his likes and dislikes. FYI: he likes pretty much everything. 

The next morning the chefs set out on their big adventure. They each have a bike waiting for them outside of their house … and they’re off. They will have 3 hours to shop, cook and return to the Alamo to plate and serve lunch. 

Bike bike bike … shop shop shop. Everyone heads to the farmers market first and then it’s off to finagle their way into a random restaurant kitchen to cook. 

Paul finds a Belgian waffle place, Ed finds a Bed & Breakfast and Grayson barges in to a Mexican restaurant. Lindsay finds a place called “Mad Hatters” but leaves to buy more ingredients. When she returns, Sarah is already cooking there – so Lindsay is the last to start cooking (in another restaurant). 

Cook cook cook. The highlight of this segment was when the Bed and Breakfast owner made Ed cook eggs for one of his guests. "Give me Adam and Eve on a raft and wreck 'em!"

Bike bike bike … back to the Alamo. Lunch is plated and served to the judges (Pee-wee, Pancake Padma, Tom, Gail Simmons, and Gail Simmons’ boobies). 

Eat eat eat. The judges and Padma seem to enjoy the lunch – even though almost everyone served Chicken. 

Padma: “So Pee-wee, what will you think of when you remember the Alamo now?” 

Pee-wee: “Chicken” 

Padma: “I know you are, but what am I”. Touché, Pancake. 

Service is over and the chef’s gather in the Stew Room. Padma enters and asks them all to come to the Judges Table. 

Judge judge judge … Paul is safe and Lindsay wins. Ed, Grayson and Sarah are on the bottom. 

And … Grayson is sent home for a chicken dish with too many ingredients. 

But wait, there’s more! Padma tells the “final four” to come back to the Judges Table, where she and Tom begin to explain the whole “Last Chance Kitchen” thing… 

… and then my friggin cable froze!!!!! Seriously, I have no idea what happened during the last minute of the show. Did I miss anything??? 

Anywhore, what did YOU think about last night’s episode – please leave a comment.

Top Chef Texas - Ep. 12 - "Block Party"

Last time on Arrested Development Top Chef, Rita Leeds (AKA Charlize Theron - below) flew in from Wee Britain to promote a movie and be an evil queen (a role I play on a daily basis). Paul won (is it me, or does he win everything?) and Beverly was sent home.

This week’s show begins in the stew room after the previous challenge. Rita Charlize enters and thanks the cheftestants for a great meal. She gets all Top Chef fan-girly and it’s kind of adorable.

The next morning the cheftestants enter the Top Chef kitchen and are greeted by Padma, Emeril and chef Cat Cora – who just so happens to have a new show coming up on Bravo. Coinky dink!

The chefs are instructed to separate into 3 teams:

Grayson/Chris

Paul/Ed

Lindsay/Sarah

For the Quickfire challenge, the cheftestants must prep shrimp, shuck and peel corn, and make pasta. And after all that’s done, they’re supposed to prepare a dish with those items in the time remaining. The winner gets $10,000 big ones.

Cook cook cook… Grayson won’t shut up … Chris thinks “fast is slow, and slow is smooth” (up is down, right is wrong – he must be a Republican) … Paul is Ed’s bad luck charm … Lindsay and Sarah finish their “mise en place” first and start cooking … Grayson and Chris begin cooking last (they couldn’t get their “mise” in the right “place” fast enough).

Even though they had the least amount of time to cook, Chris and Grayson win.

Elimination Challenge:

This week’s challenge is sponsored by Healthy Choice (groan) – the “healthy”, watery, tasteless, frozen alternative to real food. The chefs will now be competing AGAINST their teammates – each making a healthy version of the same dish for a block party/food drive.

They meet quickly and discuss what to make. Ed and Paul will do Asian BBQ, Chris and Grayson will be doing chicken salad sandwiches. And Sarah/Lindsay will be doing meatballs. 

The chefs run around Whole Foods (as always) and then head back to the house for worrying and sleeplessness.

The next day the chefs have 2 ½ hours to prep – and during this time we find out that none of the cheftestants have any idea what a block party is.

They head to the “block” to set up and the guests start arriving … Ed is watching people take his bread like a hawk because he doesn’t have enough … Bees are all up in everyone’s business and Chris J blows up like me during an Arby’s binge if he gets stung. 

The judges arrive: Padma, Tom, Emeril, Dana Cowin (Editor, Food & Wine). They are greeted by Ryan from Season Four, who is a “Flavor Ambassador” for Healthy Choice. This must be an easy job, considering the fact that those frozen bricks are pretty much flavorless.

Eat eat eat … Ms. Cowin would like some vodka please … Lindsay used Quinoa – which my nutritionist insisted I tried and it was NASTY (which makes it perfect for Healthy Choice!) … Paul doesn’t own white socks but he DOES own those horrible Crocs.

Stew room … Padma calls Grayson, Paul, Lindsay. The guests made them the top three. Grayson tussles with Tom over Chicken Salad and Meatballs (or something). And the winner is … Paul. Is it just me, or does Paul get cuter every week???

This means Edward, Chris and Sarah are in the bottom. Ed is on the bottom for the UN-healthy choice of pork BBQ. Chris is there for dry bread. And Sarah is being punished for an inconsistent salad.

The judges get judgy with it and … Chris J is sent home for his dry (as the Sahara Dessert) and flavorless (as a Healthy Choice entrée) Chicken Salad Sandwich. Look for him to be Healthy Choice’s next “Flavor(?) Ambassador”.

Next week … Pee-wee!!!!!!!!!

What did YOU think of last night’s episode – please leave your thoughts in the comment section.

Top Chef Texas - Ep. 10 - "Bye Bye Boring"

On last week’s episode of Top Chef, the cheftestants attempted to bar-b-que their way to the top – and Paul and his team managed to get there. Sarah – on the other hand - ended up going head-to-head with a fire pit (the pit won), and Malibu Chris was sent home for his salty ribs. 

This week the chefs are greeted by Padma and the dude-who-owns-no-tweezers and are told it’s Restaurant Wars! Question: doesn’t Restaurant Wars always happen when they get down to 8 chefs remaining? Why did everyone seem so surprised? 

Anywhore, Padma informs them that this Restaurant Wars will be a battle of the sexes – dames vs. dudes. Each team will create a concept and a 3 course menu – with two choices for each course. 

The teams meet to decide upon a concept. The fellas come up with “Canteen” – which was what they called the dining hall at my summer camp. As a culinary experience, it’s not something I would want to revisit (“Bug Juice” and PB&J, anyone?!?). 

The ladies – after ignoring everything Beverly had to say, come up with “Half Bushel”. And since I’m a “the glass is half empty” kind of guy, “Half Bushel” sounds kinda half-assed if you ask me (which no one is, but whatevs). 

The cheftestants then head out to buy pretty things to fill their restaurant, and pretty food to serve to the guests. During this process, the dudes seem to get along swimmingly. The gals? Notsomuch. 

The guys are serving first – so they get busy setting up their cafeteria Canteen. Ed – who is the grumpiest grump since Oscar The Grouch – has decided to be in charge of the Front Of House. “Hi, my name is Debbie Downer – right this way to your table”. 

Service begins, and right away the guys don’t seem to know what they’re doing. Except – surprisingly – Mr. Downer in the dining room. 

The judges – Padma, Tom, Tweezerless Hugh, and Emeril – arrive and are seated promptly. They taste each course, and seem relatively pleased. Except for Tom, who can’t stop whining about the “Almond Joy” dessert not having coconut. We get it girl, YOU LIKE COCONUT. 

After service, the guys seem disappointed in their lackluster performance. We also learn that Paul got high in school. Oh, I’m sorry, I meant high GRADES. 

Now it’s the ladies’ turn. The gals seem to instantly be at each other’s throats, with Lindsay and Sarah talking to Beverly like a child who rides the shortbus. Also, their service is a mess – with people (including the judges) waiting to be seated and long wait times for each course. However, the judges seem really happy with the vast majority of their food. 

Service ends and everyone gathers in the Stew Room to await Padma. She enters, and asks to see the ladies. 

The gals learn that they are the top team – despite the shaky service and overcooked halibut (which was Lindsay’s dish but was executed by Beverly). Speaking of Beverly, she is announced to be the winner (insert side-eyes from Lindsay and Sarah HERE), and Bev gets to take home a big-ass bottle of wine. 

The guys then face the judges, and we learn that not only did the judges hate them, the diners did also – via some fancy phone app. 

Blah blah blah under seasoned blah blah blah unorganized blah blah no coconut… 

And Ty-lör Boring – with his hipster facial hair, umlaut, and Japanese Nanny is sent home. I would say we hardly knew thee – but after this week we actually know WAY too much. 

Next week: Charlize Theron!

What did YOU think about last night's episode??

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Top Chef Texas - Ep. 9 - "The Fastest Recap In The West"

Last week: Patti Labelle (gay gasp!), Sarah wins and mean Heather is sent home for Bigfoot Stroganoff. 

This week: Ed complains about Heather using his cake recipe. Again. Dude, let it go – she is gone. 

Knock at door. Room service tray with books re: “Modernist Cuisine”. Thank goodness it wasn’t “Socialist Cuisine” because then Glenn Beck would have to get involved and nobody wants that. 

Chefs study books, go to bed, and then head to the Top Chef kitchen. The author of the book is there. He is a huge nerd. Blah blah blah Molecular Gastronomy blah blah blah Modernist blah techniques blah blah. 

Quickfire challenge: create a dish using trickery … er … MODERNIST techniques. 

Paul is so high right now, he can’t even pronounce “modernist”, let alone “molecular”. Dude. Malibu likes “ modern art” featuring nude ladies. We get it – you’re pretty, modern and straight. Beverly is just a mess. Chris J has brought pills. DUDE. 

Bottom: Paul, Beverly and Grayson. 

Top: Ty, Sarah, Chris J and his pharmaceuticals. Ty wins. Chris plans on slipping him a mickey during the Elimination. Damn gays. 

Elimination Challenge: Bar-B-Que. Modernist author dude also knows his way around a rib and a brisket. He will be the bar-b-que guest judge. 

Chefs break into 3 teams: 

Team Happy, Grumpy & Gay (Sarah, Ed, Ty). 

Team Two Ladies & A Stoner (Grayson, Lindsay, Paul) 

Team Two Chris’ & A Crazy (Malibu, Chris J, Beverly) 

Each team will be cooking 3 proteins and two sides for 300 hongray Texans. They go to Whole Foods and then Restaurant Depot. 

The cheftestants then head over to The Salt Lick. They’ve been doing bar-b-que at the Salt Lick since salt was invented. Owner Scott Roberts takes them to their bar-b-que pits and tells ‘em to git ‘er done. 

They cook all night. Bev starts a fire in a camper. I just can’t with her. Neither can Malibu – who says she’s a few cards short of a full deck. Forealz. 

Chris J does unspeakable things to chickens involving a beer can. Seriously – it’s filthy (don’t ask). Meanwhile, the sun comes up and it’s hot. 

Grayson says she’s just tired, but I think she’s drunk. She must have been hanging around Chris J and helping him with those beer cans. Grayson says filthy things to Tom Colicchio. Grayson is what’s known as a “fun drunk”. 

Sarah is hot. She needs a medic. Ambulance takes her away. Ed and Ty are all alone now. They hold each other gently to keep from crying. Actually, Ed acts like an ass, and Ty is sympathetic. Damn straights. 

Guests arrive. They are, indeed, HONGRAY. Oh God, there is a band. And chubby girls dancing together. Please make it stop. 

Gail arrives with her two bodyguards (Lefty and Righty). She wants gin. Gail is also a fun drunk. 

Sarah arrives just in time to serve the judges, then she sits back down. Ed isn’t happy. Then again, when has Ed EVER been happy? Damn Ed. 

Judges eat. Another band (please NO). End scene. 

Stew area. Padma calls Paul, Lindsay and Grayson. They did Asian-style bar-b-que and are on top. They win $15,000. Paul has now won approximately $658,000 – all of which will be spent on weed when the show is over. 

Other two teams are called in for the airing of the grievances. Salty ribs, bad brisket, so-so-chicken, under-baked beans. The judges have a lot of problems with you people. 

Malibu goes home. 

The End.

Top Chef 9 - Ep. 6: Potatoes Raw Gratin

Last week on Top Chef, the cheftestants catered a fancy dinner party for fancy Dallas people – and adorable Pocket Papi Chuy was sent home.

On this week’s episode, the chef’s arrive in the kitchen and are greeted by Padma and award-winning chef (and obvious fan of hair gel and possibly Botox) Dean Fearing.

To introduce the Quickfire, Padma gets all Culinary School 101 on their asses – talking about the 5 “mother sauces” in classic French cuisine. The chefs draw knives to find out which mother-effin sauce they will be working with.

The cheftestants draw either Béchamel, Hollandaise, Espagnole, Tomate or Velouté – which, coincidentally, are the names of the of contestants for RuPaul’s Drag Race - Paris. The chefs are to make a dish with a new sauce that stems from their chosen mother-effin sauce.

Cook, cook, cook – and the cheftestants get mother-effin saucy.

Time for the judging. Padma and Chef Fearing walk around and taste the various dishes. But all Dean wants to know is about the roux Rue

She’s dead (God rest her Golden Girls soul) – get over it, Fearing.

Time for the results. On the bottom are Dakota, Nyesha, and Weird Bev. On the top are Grayson, Formerly Fat Chris, and Paul. And the sauciest mother-effin Saucier is … Grayson. She wins immunity.

Elimination Challenge

This week the chefs will be working as a team to cater the Cattle Baron’s Ball at none other than Southfork Ranch. The meal will be all about the beef – as apparently Texans are raging carnivores who eat steak for breakfast, lunch and dinner – appetizer entrée and dessert.

Tell ‘em what the winner will receive, Rod Roddy …

A NEW CAR!

The cheftestants plan their menu, go to Whole Foods, and return to the kitchen for prep. They are doing a soup, a steak salad, a steak, and a cake for dessert. Forever-complainer Edward bitches that Heather is using his cake recipe again for the dessert course. And everyone is worried that Whitney isn’t going to be able to get her potatoes au gratin cooked in time. Apparently they take longer to cook when they don’t come in a box. Who knew?

Ty-lor then cuts the hell out of his hand and ends up in the hospital until 6:00 AM.

The next morning Ty returns with stitches, but vows to drink lots of espresso so he can grill steaks all day.

The cheftestants arrive at Southfork and descend upon Miss Ellie’s kitchen like rednecks at a Gun Show. Speaking of rednecks, whose brilliant idea was it to cast the “Git ‘Er Done” guy in the Prilosec OTC commercial?? Seriously, his target audience probably thinks a “Prilosec” is an electronic crowbar.

Anywhore – cook cook cook, drama drama drama. Heather keeps harassing Bev for taking so mother-effin long to prepare mother-effin shrimp. And Lindsay gets antsy about the steaks and ends up firing them too early.

The Cattle Baron’s Ball attendees arrive, amidst a sea of rhinestones and pretty hats (and that’s just the men). Then the judges arrive and dinner is served.

First Course: Summer Gazpacho with Shrimp (Beverly, Dakota and Lindsay). Judges seem to likee.

Second Course: NY Strip Carpaccio Salad Thingy (Edward, Chris J, Paul). Judges seem underwhelmed, except for the fact that they think Chris’ meat is delish.

Third Course: Grilled Slab of Cow (Nyesha, Chris S, Ty, Whitney). The judges no likee most parts of this dish – temperatures are uneven and the potatoes are way undercooked.

Dessert: Texas Peach Cake (Heather, Grayson). Tom Colicchio liked it, and we all know that his is the most important opinion at Judges Table.

Service is over and the cheftestants head to the Beef Stew Room. There we find out that Beverly is somewhat of an Edward fan/stalker, and we also see that Heather WILL NOT SHUT UP about Beverly’s slow shrimp skills.

Padma enters and wants to see Nyesha, Heather and Chris J – they are the top 3. As mentioned before, the judges loved Chris J’s tasty meat in the 2nd course. Tom they adored Heather’s cake, and Nyesha’s compound butter and sauce saved the main course.

And the winner is … Heather, who wins the car. Insert Price is Right winners theme here.

On the bottom are Ty (temps on the steaks were all over the place), Whitney (potatoes “raw gratin”) and Edward (something about his salad being too safe).

Tom says this week’s loser was easy to choose – and this loser is … Whitney

Top Chef 9 - Ep. 5: Close But No Cigar

Last week on Top Chef, stuff happened but I was in Pennsylvania preparing to stuff my face for Turkey Day so I didn’t watch. But I heard through the grapevine that Richie and his bad hair (facial and otherwise) was sent home. FULL (EMBARASSING) DISCLOSURE: I would totally hit that. 

Anywhore, this week the show opens with the cheftestants exhausted after their last challenge. Padma enters and tells them to take their Ambien and get some sleep, because tomorrow they’ll be road tripping to Dallas. NOTE TO CRAZY BEVERLY: Dolly Parton does NOT reside in Dallas – Sue Ellen and JR Ewing do. Get your facts straight. 

The next morning everyone gets into Top Chef Sponsor Vehicles and they head ‘em up and move ‘em out. During the road trip, we find out the following: 

· Ty-lor (I’m too lazy to find an umlaut today) has a boyfriend. I wonder if the BF has hipster facial hair like Ty’s. 

· Pretty Boy Chris used to be fat – but he lost 70 pounds. Bitch. 

· Dakota may or may not be a traffic ticket outlaw in Texas. Which, considering this is Texas, could maybe get her the electric chair. 

The cheftestants are stopped at a fake roadblock by a (maybe) fake State Trooper and are asked to pull over. They park alongside a dry, empty field – only to find Padma with Chef Josh Besh. Who – according to pretty boy Chris – is an attractive guy with beautiful flowing hair. 

It turns out this little roadblock is the setting for this week’s Quickfire Challenge. The cheftestants are instructed to make a dish out of “survival kit” ingredients – which, apparently, consists of nothing but dried and canned foods. This is considerably different from the survival kit I put together before Hurricane Irene – which was heavy on the Twinkies and the Bacardi. 

Cook, cook, cook. Chicago Chris goes looking for corn in the Sahara-esque field they are in and comes up empty. Lindsay – who reminds me of Calleigh Duquesne on CSI Miami – is creating a crime scene with Vienna sausages. And Edward is bitching about his back and everything else – as usual. Is it me or is he a big Debbie Downer??? 

Padma and Fabio John Besh taste the results and Whitney, one of the Chris’ (can’t remember which one) and Wanted-Dead-Or-Alive Dakota are on the bottom. On Top are Edward Downer, Chuy, and Calleigh Duquesne. And Lindsay/Calleigh wins with her ode to her Dad – who apparently like popping small sausages in his mouth. That’s what she said. 

After the Quickfire, Padma announced the Elimination Challenge. The cheftestants will be going to a fancy Dallas neighborhood to cater a “progressive party”. No, not a party of Keith Olbermann viewers, but a party that takes place in three different houses: Appetizer House, Entrée House and Dessert House. 

The Chefs are broken up into groups – however, they will be competing individually… 

Appetizer: Sarah, Lindsay, Whitney, Paul, Chicago Chris 

Entrée: Heather and Ty-lor (who are bestest girlfriends) along with Cute Chuy, Crazy Beverly and Nyesha. 

Dessert: Grayson, Dakota, Pretty Boy Chris, and Edward. 

The Cheftestants check into their hotel and then head over to their client’s McMansions. The wives all list the things they hate (cilantro, bell peppers, calories) and the husbands talk about the things they love (gummi bears, calories). We also find out that the lady at the Appetizer House is a “Lifestyle & Entertaining Expert” and Ty-lor Boring has cooked for Bill Gates. AKA "very fancy bitches". 

Commercial Break. There is no crying in catering, apparently. 

Cook cook cook. The chefs at Appetizer House are finishing up and the judges and guests start arriving. And, lo and behold, three of my favorite ladies show up: Gail and her Boobies!!!!! 

Appetizers are served (including a gross “cigar” with “ash”) but I’m mesmerized by the Boobies!! Then the entrees are served. Boobies!! And finally, dessert – with a side of Boobies!! And was I the only one who noticed that Tom seemed to HATE being there – and rolled his eyes at everything the hosts said?? Which was pretty evil, considering that they kicked everyone (including the homeowners) out of Dessert House and used it for Judges Table. 

Speaking of Judges Table, Padma calls in Sarah, Grayson, Paul and Dakota. Paul is the winner. 

On the bottom are both Chris’, Ty and Chuy. Pretty boy Chris “did too much” with his dessert. Ty hacked up his pork tenderloin, Chuy overcooked his salmon, and Chicago Chris made a nasty cigar with “ash”. Anytime you create a dish and have to use the word “ash” in the description, it’s got to be gross. Gail, for one, mentions that she and “the girls” didn’t want to handle that greasy cigar in that fancy dress. That’s what she said. 

The judges judge and it’s time for the results… 

And cute-as-a-button Pocket Papi Chuy is sent home, giving me a case of the sads. But then I get the happies when they show previews for next week and they’ll be going to the home of the Ewings – Southfork Ranch! 

What did YOU think of this week’s episode? Please feel free to rant and rave in the Comments.

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