Thursday, January 5, 2012

Top Chef Texas - Ep. 9 - "The Fastest Recap In The West"

Last week: Patti Labelle (gay gasp!), Sarah wins and mean Heather is sent home for Bigfoot Stroganoff. 

This week: Ed complains about Heather using his cake recipe. Again. Dude, let it go – she is gone. 

Knock at door. Room service tray with books re: “Modernist Cuisine”. Thank goodness it wasn’t “Socialist Cuisine” because then Glenn Beck would have to get involved and nobody wants that. 

Chefs study books, go to bed, and then head to the Top Chef kitchen. The author of the book is there. He is a huge nerd. Blah blah blah Molecular Gastronomy blah blah blah Modernist blah techniques blah blah. 

Quickfire challenge: create a dish using trickery … er … MODERNIST techniques. 

Paul is so high right now, he can’t even pronounce “modernist”, let alone “molecular”. Dude. Malibu likes “ modern art” featuring nude ladies. We get it – you’re pretty, modern and straight. Beverly is just a mess. Chris J has brought pills. DUDE. 

Bottom: Paul, Beverly and Grayson. 

Top: Ty, Sarah, Chris J and his pharmaceuticals. Ty wins. Chris plans on slipping him a mickey during the Elimination. Damn gays. 

Elimination Challenge: Bar-B-Que. Modernist author dude also knows his way around a rib and a brisket. He will be the bar-b-que guest judge. 

Chefs break into 3 teams: 

Team Happy, Grumpy & Gay (Sarah, Ed, Ty). 

Team Two Ladies & A Stoner (Grayson, Lindsay, Paul) 

Team Two Chris’ & A Crazy (Malibu, Chris J, Beverly) 

Each team will be cooking 3 proteins and two sides for 300 hongray Texans. They go to Whole Foods and then Restaurant Depot. 

The cheftestants then head over to The Salt Lick. They’ve been doing bar-b-que at the Salt Lick since salt was invented. Owner Scott Roberts takes them to their bar-b-que pits and tells ‘em to git ‘er done. 

They cook all night. Bev starts a fire in a camper. I just can’t with her. Neither can Malibu – who says she’s a few cards short of a full deck. Forealz

Chris J does unspeakable things to chickens involving a beer can. Seriously – it’s filthy (don’t ask). Meanwhile, the sun comes up and it’s hot. 

Grayson says she’s just tired, but I think she’s drunk. She must have been hanging around Chris J and helping him with those beer cans. Grayson says filthy things to Tom Colicchio. Grayson is what’s known as a “fun drunk”. 

Sarah is hot. She needs a medic. Ambulance takes her away. Ed and Ty are all alone now. They hold each other gently to keep from crying. Actually, Ed acts like an ass, and Ty is sympathetic. Damn straights. 

Guests arrive. They are, indeed, HONGRAY. Oh God, there is a band. And chubby girls dancing together. Please make it stop. 

Gail arrives with her two bodyguards (Lefty and Righty). She wants gin. Gail is also a fun drunk. 

Sarah arrives just in time to serve the judges, then she sits back down. Ed isn’t happy. Then again, when has Ed EVER been happy? Damn Ed. 

Judges eat. Another band (please NO). End scene. 

Stew area. Padma calls Paul, Lindsay and Grayson. They did Asian-style bar-b-que and are on top. They win $15,000. Paul has now won approximately $658,000 – all of which will be spent on weed when the show is over. 

Other two teams are called in for the airing of the grievances. Salty ribs, bad brisket, so-so-chicken, under-baked beans. The judges have a lot of problems with you people. 

Malibu goes home. 

The End.


froggy said...

Full of good chortles!!

Did we really need Malibu's naked ladies moment??

Let's start taking bets for when Top Chef actually kills someone. Mythbusters came close with their runaway cannonball. Come on, Top Chef, you can do it!!!

I'm putting my money on Beverly, poor darling, to set someone on fire, shoot foam all over them and then finish them off with a banana peel on the floor.

I have to admit I have abused a chicken in the same manner as ChrisJ. Can't remember if it did the chicken any good.

The bands...

Tar would like you to know he has a sure fire method for fixing remote controls.

theminx said...

As Froggy said, lots of good chortles. I think "Socialist Cuisine" would have been much more fun!


Kailyn said...

The minute that Gail said, "You know what would make this punch better? Gin," is when I knew we were meant to be lifelong friends.

Sam said...

I've eaten here several times. Does that count for anything?

Tivo Mom said...

Malibu confuses me by the way. I know, I know he paints naked women (and I agree with Frogs about that info)but then he said that one organic, I like to grow my own food chef guy, well Malibu kept talking about what a beautiful man he was. Just sayin...

Joy said...

Beverly is so odd. No, way beyond odd. Wonder if Ed ever smiles?

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