Thursday, December 1, 2011

Top Chef 9 - Ep. 5: Close But No Cigar

Last week on Top Chef, stuff happened but I was in Pennsylvania preparing to stuff my face for Turkey Day so I didn’t watch. But I heard through the grapevine that Richie and his bad hair (facial and otherwise) was sent home. FULL (EMBARASSING) DISCLOSURE: I would totally hit that. 

Anywhore, this week the show opens with the cheftestants exhausted after their last challenge. Padma enters and tells them to take their Ambien and get some sleep, because tomorrow they’ll be road tripping to Dallas. NOTE TO CRAZY BEVERLY: Dolly Parton does NOT reside in Dallas – Sue Ellen and JR Ewing do. Get your facts straight. 

The next morning everyone gets into Top Chef Sponsor Vehicles and they head ‘em up and move ‘em out. During the road trip, we find out the following: 

· Ty-lor (I’m too lazy to find an umlaut today) has a boyfriend. I wonder if the BF has hipster facial hair like Ty’s. 

· Pretty Boy Chris used to be fat – but he lost 70 pounds. Bitch. 

· Dakota may or may not be a traffic ticket outlaw in Texas. Which, considering this is Texas, could maybe get her the electric chair. 

The cheftestants are stopped at a fake roadblock by a (maybe) fake State Trooper and are asked to pull over. They park alongside a dry, empty field – only to find Padma with Chef Josh Besh. Who – according to pretty boy Chris – is an attractive guy with beautiful flowing hair. 

It turns out this little roadblock is the setting for this week’s Quickfire Challenge. The cheftestants are instructed to make a dish out of “survival kit” ingredients – which, apparently, consists of nothing but dried and canned foods. This is considerably different from the survival kit I put together before Hurricane Irene – which was heavy on the Twinkies and the Bacardi. 

Cook, cook, cook. Chicago Chris goes looking for corn in the Sahara-esque field they are in and comes up empty. Lindsay – who reminds me of Calleigh Duquesne on CSI Miami – is creating a crime scene with Vienna sausages. And Edward is bitching about his back and everything else – as usual. Is it me or is he a big Debbie Downer??? 

Padma and Fabio John Besh taste the results and Whitney, one of the Chris’ (can’t remember which one) and Wanted-Dead-Or-Alive Dakota are on the bottom. On Top are Edward Downer, Chuy, and Calleigh Duquesne. And Lindsay/Calleigh wins with her ode to her Dad – who apparently like popping small sausages in his mouth. That’s what she said. 

After the Quickfire, Padma announced the Elimination Challenge. The cheftestants will be going to a fancy Dallas neighborhood to cater a “progressive party”. No, not a party of Keith Olbermann viewers, but a party that takes place in three different houses: Appetizer House, Entrée House and Dessert House. 

The Chefs are broken up into groups – however, they will be competing individually… 

Appetizer: Sarah, Lindsay, Whitney, Paul, Chicago Chris 

Entrée: Heather and Ty-lor (who are bestest girlfriends) along with Cute Chuy, Crazy Beverly and Nyesha. 

Dessert: Grayson, Dakota, Pretty Boy Chris, and Edward. 

The Cheftestants check into their hotel and then head over to their client’s McMansions. The wives all list the things they hate (cilantro, bell peppers, calories) and the husbands talk about the things they love (gummi bears, calories). We also find out that the lady at the Appetizer House is a “Lifestyle & Entertaining Expert” and Ty-lor Boring has cooked for Bill Gates. AKA "very fancy bitches". 

Commercial Break. There is no crying in catering, apparently. 

Cook cook cook. The chefs at Appetizer House are finishing up and the judges and guests start arriving. And, lo and behold, three of my favorite ladies show up: Gail and her Boobies!!!!! 

Appetizers are served (including a gross “cigar” with “ash”) but I’m mesmerized by the Boobies!! Then the entrees are served. Boobies!! And finally, dessert – with a side of Boobies!! And was I the only one who noticed that Tom seemed to HATE being there – and rolled his eyes at everything the hosts said?? Which was pretty evil, considering that they kicked everyone (including the homeowners) out of Dessert House and used it for Judges Table. 

Speaking of Judges Table, Padma calls in Sarah, Grayson, Paul and Dakota. Paul is the winner. 

On the bottom are both Chris’, Ty and Chuy. Pretty boy Chris “did too much” with his dessert. Ty hacked up his pork tenderloin, Chuy overcooked his salmon, and Chicago Chris made a nasty cigar with “ash”. Anytime you create a dish and have to use the word “ash” in the description, it’s got to be gross. Gail, for one, mentions that she and “the girls” didn’t want to handle that greasy cigar in that fancy dress. That’s what she said. 

The judges judge and it’s time for the results… 

And cute-as-a-button Pocket Papi Chuy is sent home, giving me a case of the sads. But then I get the happies when they show previews for next week and they’ll be going to the home of the Ewings – Southfork Ranch! 

What did YOU think of this week’s episode? Please feel free to rant and rave in the Comments.



froggy said...

There, for a while, I felt I was being dragged, kicking and screaming, into one of Bravo's *Real* Housewives episodes.
Ty-lor, apparently has done some modeling. my, my!
I agree Beverly scares me!
Chris is cute and seems to want to hump everybody. They'd probably let him (did I say he's cute?).
I'm going to drive to the store in my Dodge Caravan today. I think I will start naming every brand of everything I own and see who slaps me first and yells, 'SNAP OUT OF IT!'

Bob said...

Chuy should'a stayed, if only for the Pocket Gay Cute Factor.
Cigar Chris should'a gone cuz that was some fugly sh*t.
Cute Chris....[Back off, Froggy!] or not? He's the Ambiguously Gay Chef. I want a Ho-Bro-Mance with Cute Chris and Ty.
Bev is Nutz.

theminx said...

I completely forgot about the Dolly Parton thing (and I did have it in my notes)!

Maybe Cute Chris is really in love with Fabio? but not Viviani.


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