Thursday, December 22, 2011

Top Chef 9 - Ep. 8: Bigfoot a la Marmalade

On last week's episode of Top Chef, Edward and Ty won (and didn't slice themselves up in the process), while Nyesha and Dakota were sent home. Also, Heather bullied Beverly and tried to throw her under the bus during judging.

This week, Beverly is still upset about Heather's behavior and notes that Karma often comes back to bite you in the butt. Especially on reality TV.

Padma enters and tells everyone to pack their knives and go ... to Austin. This, for some reason, makes the cheftestants extremely happy. 

Everyone loads up into the sponsor vehicles and they're on their way. During the trip, Edward asks Heather (who apparently hasn't gotten any lately), if she had a choice, would she take a night with Chef John Besh or $5,000 and immunity for the next challenge. Hard-up Heather picks Besh.

Also during the trip we find out that sweet Paul was a weed-selling juvenile delinquent before moving to Austin and becoming a chef; and handsome Chris' nickname is "Malibu". Like Barbie, but with facial hair.

The Cheftestants enter Austin's version of the Top Chef kitchen and are greeted by Padma and Chef Tom. I guess they spent too much gas money driving everyone all over the huge state of Texas, and now the show can't afford guest judges for Quickfires.

Anywhore Padma announces that this will be the Twitter Quickfire. Padma and Tom's Twitter followers will be tweeting suggestions in real-time, and the chefs will be required to follow the instructions from the Twitterverse. #goodluckwiththat

Tweet #1: Make something with bacon. They have 45 minutes to make a dish with bacon #tooeasy.

Tweet #2: Make a hash, in honor of Twitter's #hastags.

Tweet #3: Each chef must select an ingredient and pass if off to another chef for use in his/her dish. Lindsay and Ed get Sriracha and #theyainthappy.

Utensils down, hands up.

Tom and Padma grub down on the results #theregoesthediet

Bottom Dwellers: Grayson, Chris J and Ed

Top: Beverly, Sarah and Paul. And the winner is ... Paul. He wins 10 grand. #weedisgoodforyou

Tom instructs everyone to head to the hotel bar - so the cheftestants settle in while a piano player serenades them. Then, out of the blue, Mr. Piano Man introduces the legendary Miss Patti LaBelle! #OMGOMGOMGIAMGONNADIE

Surprisingly, gay Ty-lor Boring doesn't shriek like a Justin Bieber fan and/or pass out at the mere sight of the legendary diva. Instead, he's all...


Honey, you could get your Gay Card revoked for such an infraction! #mustworshipdivas

Side Note: I'm so gay that I saw Miss LaBelle perform at the 1994 Gay Games closing ceremonies at Yankee Stadium. And yes, I squealed like a little girl.

Anydiva, Miss Patti then treats the chefs with an abbreviated version of the drag queen anthem Lady Marmalade #iwouldhavedied. Patti kills it, of course.

Padma enters and announces that Patti will be the guest judge this week. For the elimination challenge, the cheftestants must make a dish that honors the person who first inspired them to cook. And they will be serving their creations at a dinner party for Miss Patti LaBelle and friends.

The chefs get 30 minutes to shop @WholeFoods, and then two hours to prepare their dishes. During the cooking time, everyone talks about who their inspirations were - mostly parents or grandparents. All except for Ty-lor Boring, whose NANNY was his culinary inspiration #fancybitch.

The only thing of note that happens during cooking is that Heather decides not to use a pressure cooker to prepare her beef - since last time it made her meat stringy #theresajoketheresomewhere. Heather's arch nemesis, Beverly, HAS decided to use the pressure cooker and seems happy with the results #foreshadowing.

The guests enter the dining room, and Patti is wearing her "Dinner With Friends" wig #appropriate. Service begins...

Chris J - Steak and Potatoes. Judges likee.

Heather - Beef Stroganoff. Judges HATE. Pattie refers to the cut of meat as "Bigfoot". #beverlysmiles

Sarah - Stuffed Cabbage #likee

Paul - "Quail A Doobie" (or something) #DUDE

Malibu - Salmon #nolikee

Beverly - Short Ribs - judges likee #heatherfrowns

Edward - Korean "MmmmBop" (or something) #likee

Lindsay - Trout #toomuchbutter

Grayson - Huge Steak #no likee

Ty - Chicken Tenders a la Japanese Nanny #ijustcan't

Service ends and the cheftestants retreat to the Beef Stroganoff Stew Room. And Ty earns back some of my respect when he mentions that Miss Patti's toenail polish matched Padma's' blouse #goodgay.

COMMERCIAL BREAK: Is it just me, or do the Voltaggio Brothers have about as much "stage presence" as a pair of moldy potato knishes? #justsaying

Back in the Stew Room, Padma calls for Grayson, Malibu and Heather. They are in the bottom. Malibu's salmon was a little slimy, Heather made Bigfoot Stroganoff, and Grayson's steak was stringy. They go back to the Stew Room to await their fate.

On top are Beverly, Sarah and Edward. And the winner is ... Sarah.

The bottom three are called back in, and Heather is sent home. She shouldn't have picked Besh #couldhaveusedimmunity

Beverly: #evillaugh #karmaisabitchnamedheather

What did YOU think of last night's episode???



froggy said...

lololol at the #hashtags!

Yes, the Voltaggio Brothers are loooow energy. We took exception to the two temp. oven - a) we don't believe it and bet the bros would not use it in their work and b) fish with a bread product in the same oven, will the magic insert stop the bread from smelling like snapper?

I actually went to watch Last Chance Kitchen to make sure that Heather stayed staked and buried and would not rise from the grave to torment Beverly if she makes it to the final challenge. btw - there is still time for Heather to continue to stalk Beverly, grab her and toss her under a handy bus - all auf'ed contestants get to watch the last chance quickfire and heckle the cheftestants.

Kailyn said...

Hilarious per usual. I knew it had to be either Heather or Grayson going home. One does not fuck up the beef in Texas. I mean can't they execute you for that? Also you're cooking for Patti, a true diva who knows her way around the kitchen. Ooo. And I loved Patti's dinner with friends look. Reminds me that I'm overdue for a trip to the shop to try on wigs.

Wonder Man said...

All must bow to Patti

Uncy Carl said...

I really needed that laugh today; it's terribly trying at the office. 50+ year old boss in a skimpy Santa girl outfit. 'Nuff said.

You truly need to do an after show show. I would love you long time.

Happy Holidays to you!

theminx said...



Anonymous said...

Who wrote those Tweets, the interns?
Whenever I hear a cheftestant saying something like, "That's the way my Dad always made it/That's the way we always served it..." I want someone on the show to come out and ask: "You DO know this is a cooking competition, right?"

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