Thursday, December 8, 2011

Top Chef 9 - Ep. 6: Potatoes Raw Gratin

Last week on Top Chef, the cheftestants catered a fancy dinner party for fancy Dallas people – and adorable Pocket Papi Chuy was sent home.

On this week’s episode, the chef’s arrive in the kitchen and are greeted by Padma and award-winning chef (and obvious fan of hair gel and possibly Botox) Dean Fearing.

To introduce the Quickfire, Padma gets all Culinary School 101 on their asses – talking about the 5 “mother sauces” in classic French cuisine. The chefs draw knives to find out which mother-effin sauce they will be working with.

The cheftestants draw either Béchamel, Hollandaise, Espagnole, Tomate or Velouté – which, coincidentally, are the names of the of contestants for RuPaul’s Drag Race - Paris. The chefs are to make a dish with a new sauce that stems from their chosen mother-effin sauce.

Cook, cook, cook – and the cheftestants get mother-effin saucy.

Time for the judging. Padma and Chef Fearing walk around and taste the various dishes. But all Dean wants to know is about the roux Rue

She’s dead (God rest her Golden Girls soul) – get over it, Fearing.

Time for the results. On the bottom are Dakota, Nyesha, and Weird Bev. On the top are Grayson, Formerly Fat Chris, and Paul. And the sauciest mother-effin Saucier is … Grayson. She wins immunity.

Elimination Challenge

This week the chefs will be working as a team to cater the Cattle Baron’s Ball at none other than Southfork Ranch. The meal will be all about the beef – as apparently Texans are raging carnivores who eat steak for breakfast, lunch and dinner – appetizer entrée and dessert.

Tell ‘em what the winner will receive, Rod Roddy …


The cheftestants plan their menu, go to Whole Foods, and return to the kitchen for prep. They are doing a soup, a steak salad, a steak, and a cake for dessert. Forever-complainer Edward bitches that Heather is using his cake recipe again for the dessert course. And everyone is worried that Whitney isn’t going to be able to get her potatoes au gratin cooked in time. Apparently they take longer to cook when they don’t come in a box. Who knew?

Ty-lor then cuts the hell out of his hand and ends up in the hospital until 6:00 AM.

The next morning Ty returns with stitches, but vows to drink lots of espresso so he can grill steaks all day.

The cheftestants arrive at Southfork and descend upon Miss Ellie’s kitchen like rednecks at a Gun Show. Speaking of rednecks, whose brilliant idea was it to cast the “Git ‘Er Done” guy in the Prilosec OTC commercial?? Seriously, his target audience probably thinks a “Prilosec” is an electronic crowbar.

Anywhore – cook cook cook, drama drama drama. Heather keeps harassing Bev for taking so mother-effin long to prepare mother-effin shrimp. And Lindsay gets antsy about the steaks and ends up firing them too early.

The Cattle Baron’s Ball attendees arrive, amidst a sea of rhinestones and pretty hats (and that’s just the men). Then the judges arrive and dinner is served.

First Course: Summer Gazpacho with Shrimp (Beverly, Dakota and Lindsay). Judges seem to likee.

Second Course: NY Strip Carpaccio Salad Thingy (Edward, Chris J, Paul). Judges seem underwhelmed, except for the fact that they think Chris’ meat is delish.

Third Course: Grilled Slab of Cow (Nyesha, Chris S, Ty, Whitney). The judges no likee most parts of this dish – temperatures are uneven and the potatoes are way undercooked.

Dessert: Texas Peach Cake (Heather, Grayson). Tom Colicchio liked it, and we all know that his is the most important opinion at Judges Table.

Service is over and the cheftestants head to the Beef Stew Room. There we find out that Beverly is somewhat of an Edward fan/stalker, and we also see that Heather WILL NOT SHUT UP about Beverly’s slow shrimp skills.

Padma enters and wants to see Nyesha, Heather and Chris J – they are the top 3. As mentioned before, the judges loved Chris J’s tasty meat in the 2nd course. Tom they adored Heather’s cake, and Nyesha’s compound butter and sauce saved the main course.

And the winner is … Heather, who wins the car. Insert Price is Right winners theme here.

On the bottom are Ty (temps on the steaks were all over the place), Whitney (potatoes “raw gratin”) and Edward (something about his salad being too safe).

Tom says this week’s loser was easy to choose – and this loser is … Whitney


froggy said...

Bestest coffee-spit comment of the morning - The cheftestants draw either Béchamel, Hollandaise, Espagnole, Tomate or Velouté – which, coincidentally, are the names of the of contestants for RuPaul’s Drag Race - Paris.
Surprised the producers didn't whisper in Tom's ear that he had the cake before. I think they've pegged her as the villain with Beverly tied to the train tracks.

Sean said...

I thought Hugh looked better with the FFL (freshly fucked look) than the Howdy-Doody hair cut, dye job and eyebrow trimming

Bob said...

"Potatoes Raw Gratin"!!

That's what I said to Carlos as we watched!

theminx said...

"...except for the fact that they think Chris’ meat is delish." What? That was a joke waiting to be made!

Loved the RuPaul reference!


Kailyn said...

I think even if the potatoes had not been raw, Tom still wouldn't have liked the dish. Something about it being over 100 outside and the dish being too heavy.

Joy said...

Excellent!! So many funny lines as usual! Potatoes raw gratin!! RuPaul's contestants! Rue/roux! Larry the Cable Guy! (bet his fans take Prilosec AND Rolaids)

Love you! Love your recaps!! xoxoxoxox

mrs.missalaineus said...

off topic.

after the colonoscopy, the words 'elimination challenge' have a slightly different meaning.

loves the price is right references too- i used to watch that show every day at lunch when i walked home to eat in grade school


Tivo Mom said...

great recap as always...I too liked the potatoes raw gratin line and of course mother effin sauces. wonder if I can become a sauci'er someday (and nope don't know how to spell that)

Miss Ginger Grant said...

I LOVE the name "Potatoes Raw Gratin"- especially since they are notoriously easy to undercook. I've probably had them served to me more times raw than cooked!

And I'm so torn whether I want to go by Espagnole or Veloute' on RuP-P! Though I think I'll leave the Spanglish to my latin sisters (do you think there will be one on the show?!) and go by Veloute'! But instead of an accent egue I want an umlaut... mostly because I like to say "umlaut"! Maybe I'll be like Ke$ha and pronounce it! "Ladies and gentleman- please welcome to the stage: Veloute' Umlaut Grant!"

Waddya think?

Sam said...

I was thinking more along the line of potatoes are u sqwatin? Love. Your recap. And yes HO us Texans are carnivores. Bitch I love MEAT!!!

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