So Project Runway is BACK, bitches. And so are my recaps, at least until the show pisses me off enough to stop.
As always, the first ProjRun episode is all about “Getting To Know You” – learning about the fashiontestants. Little things like who lost their mother at an early age, who's a braids-wearing lesbian, and who eats out of dumpsters. You know, the basics.
Last night’s episode started big – with 16 nervous designers having a Champagne toast with Tim, Heidi, Michael and Nina smack dab in the middle of Times Square. The first runway show, you see, was being held at “The Crossroads of the World” – formerly home to hookers and my favorite sleazy go-go boy bar, and now home to The Lion King and a Hello Kitty store. Progress?
But then, just like in a Lifetime miniseries starring Meredith Baxter Birney, we flash back to 24 hours earlier to the designers arriving at Parsons.
First we meet Buffi – who is half Indian, half Australian, has a British passport and was raised in Dubai. The result is a gal with a killer accent who’s probably on a Homeland Security “no fly” list.
We also meet Gunnar – who auditioned last year and didn’t make it. This year he DID make it, and will be playing the role of Evil Gay. Actually, “gay” doesn’t really cover Gunnar’s gayness … Gunnar is REALLY gay. SUPERNATURALLY gay. Gayer than brunch on Fire Island. Gayer than Liberace’s favorite tiara… You get the picture.
Next up is Lantie, who doesn’t know how old she is (38?, 48?) and Ven, who is like a Jedi Master of designers. One wave of his hand and a beautiful cocktail dress made out of silk charmeuse just appears. The Force is strong with this one.
Tim Gunn enters to greet the fashiontestants and to pay the bills. Brother sewing machines! Hewlett-Packard gizmos! The Lord & Taylor accessories wall! Question: why does the accessories wall sponsor always bail after a year or two. ProjRun is running out of stores to sponsor that shizz. Eventually they’ll be stuck with the “Claire’s Accessories Wall” (below) and nobody wants that.
Tim announces the first challenge. Each designer has sent in a “signature design”, which is there in the workroom. The designers must create a companion piece to this design. They have one day and $100 to spend at Mood. And, as we know already, they’ll be showing their designs in a hookerless Times Square. Ready, set, SKETCH…
Now it's time for Mood! Hello Swatch! Thank you Mood!
Back in the workroom we continue to meet designers. Next up is Andrea, who is the oldest (58) and the Noo Yawkiest of the designers.
We also meet Christopher – who either lives in my neighborhood (Astoria) or at home with his Mom in Long Island (I SWEAR he said both). Christopher likes to wear scarves indoors. He also tries to make smalltalk with the freakishly gay Gunnar, who shoots him down (get it? Gunnar shoots!!) with an “I’m not here to make friends, Beeyotch” attitude. Evil.
We also meet Raul – who is having trouble with his “raffles” (ruffles) and his “steeches” (stiches). Then there’s Fabio, who is originally from Brazil and is a “freegan”. Freeganism is when you do your “shopping” out of dumpsters instead of using “money” to pay for “things”. It’s also another word for being either really "cheap" or really "poor" (or both). Regardless, Andrea comments that she won’t be dining at Fabio’s apartment anytime soon, and I second that emotion.
Next up is Dmitry – who is a former ballroom dancer from Belarus. He also did some modeling, but that wasn’t manly enough for him so he went into the manly man profession of
lumberjacking ballroom dancing. And now he’s a fashion designer. Like a real man.
Tim Gunn visits the workroom, and perhaps the most memorable moment is when he visits Kooky Kooan (below) – the weird Japanese guy with an afro (“Ja-fro”?). Tim has absolutely no idea what to make of our wacky Asian friend, and neither do I. I keep expecting them to bang a gong every time he says something (a la "Long Duck Dong" in Sixteen Candles).
Tim leaves and the models arrive for fittings. Christopher’s model is actually smaller than the dress form (Sweet Jeebus!), so he has to take apart his dress and “steech” it back together.
Day #1 ends, and Day #2 begins – and everyone is frantic. The designers take their models to hair and makeup and then it’s off to Times Square for the show.
Heidi gives us the “One day you’re in” spiel and introduces the judges: Michael Kors, Nina Friggin Garcia, actress Lauren Graham and the very first Guest Judge on ProjRun – Patricia Fields. Who, by the way, sounds like she smokes a carton of cigarettes every hour. Just sayin.
Models walk. During this time I don’t take many notes, but one note I did take read as follows:
“Lantie. 2nd look was ASS”
After the show they head back to Parsons for judging. Heidi calls Kooan, Ven, Lanti, Christopher, Beatrice and Melissa. These are the top and bottom 3 – the rest are safe.
Melissa – all black.
Christopher – the judges rave about his first look, which is a gown.
Ven – “Super Couturier Guy”. Looks “expensive” (which, as we all know, Nina LOVES).
Kooan – “borderline Teletubby” (Kors). Nina isn’t sure about his wacky behavior.
Beatrice – “Knit Girl”. Heidi said it was sad. Kors think she’s a “Snuggie Designer”.
Lanti – “Snakes in the Flower Garden”. Huh? Nina calls the 2nd look “horrifying” (AKA “Ass”, thankyouverymuch).
Christopher and his scarf are the winners. Ven and Melissa and Kooky Kooan are safe.
This leaves Lanti with her snakes and Beatrice and her knits…
And Beatrice is out…
What did YOU think of last night’s episode? Are you excited for Project Runway to be back? Leave a comment and let us know!