The Fashion Show - Ep. 4 - Little Boxes Made of Ticky Tacky

Last week on The Fashion Show, Calvin and Cesar switched teams (they are now straight??) and Tamara was sent home for her fatal femme fatale look.

It’s morning in NYC and as always, the House of Emerald is upset because they are a big pack of losers, while the House of Nami struts around talking about how awesome they are. Then they receive the usual cheesy note slipped under the door – instructing them to go to the Museum of Natural History.

At the museum, the fashiontestants gather in front of a vaguely vajayjay-ish sculpture (above). At least that’s what David says. And, as we all know, David (below) is ALL ABOUT the Poodle.

Surrounding the statue are nine metal BOXES (What is up with all this lady imagery? Is this Lifetime or something??) and a scary Iman who barks out wisdom regarding time and time capsules and shizz. Speaking of time capsules – the sculptural ‘Ode to the Lady Cave’ is actually a time capsule – not to be opened for 1000 years. I’m sure there’s another vajayjay joke in there somewhere, but I just CAN’T with all this ‘Sparkle Box’ talk…

Anyhoohaw, each designer gets a time capsule box which represents a specific year. They are to use this as their inspiration and create a fashion-forward look based on their year, which must also be cohesive with the rest of their House. Oh, and they have to use plaid. Because Iman “ADORES!” plaid. Or something. “Don’t ask me WHY, I don’t make the rules!” (Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias).

The designers go back to the workroom to do sketches and Mood Boards. I've mentioned this before – but the idea of Mood Boards is simply awesome. I think everyone should wake up every morning and do a Mood Board for the upcoming day. Here was mine this morning…

Pretty much says it all, doesn’t it?

Isaac comes in and consults with both Houses, and then everyone heads over to NotMood for a plaid fabric flurry (try saying that 3 times fast).

Back in the workroom, the designers get down to business. Eduardo has immunity this week (OMG – that accent just melts me when he says “Eee-myoon-ee-tee”) – so he is going “outside the box” (Boxes again!). Dominique is thinking about a “girl, dating this guy” which is just so sad I can’t even comment on it.

Golnessa and/or Cindy (I seriously still can’t tell them apart) is having trouble, and the other one is having a hard time watching her friend struggle. I think.

All of a sudden The Fashion Show: Ultimate Collection somehow turns into Iman’s Drag Race – with Calvin and Jeffrey donning skirts, heels and wigs and werqing the runway and lip synching for their lives. Ladies, don’t F*&K it up…

Day #1 ends, and Day #2 begins – and back in the workroom David has stopped thinking about boxes for a moment and started thinking about his Grandma (ew?). His inspiration year is 1982, which makes him thinks of jumpsuits, which makes him think of his Grandmother. I don’t understand it either, but I also don’t get the whole “I Love Lady Hotpockets” thing either.

Pretty Rolando – he of the long flowing hair and the size two figure (that Biatch), is struggling with his sixties dress – particularly the “piping”. Again, I’m sure there is some sort of gay “expert pipe handler” joke in there somewhere – but I’m tired and I have to save something for my Top Chef recap tomorrow.

Speaking of Rolando, he throws the gay side-eye at David, because David won’t stop “flirting” with young, impressionable, giggly Dominique (after all, she has one of those Slip-n-Slides he loves so much). Rolando notes that David has flirted with HIM, so whatevs …

David talks about how he was raised by a single mother – so he identifies with women. Newsflash: being a Mama’s Boy doesn’t make you straight. It just means you love your Mama – and, usually, other guys. And their “piping”. Ask Rolando if you don’t believe me.

Look, don’t get me wrong – I think David is adorable. He has the puppy dog eyes, full lips, and geeky awkwardness that melts my butter. He also looks decent in a sleeveless shirt…

But on a Gay Scale from 1 to 10, David scores as follows …

Which is about a '38'. 

Day #2 starts winding down, and the House of Emerald decides they need an additional look to make their collection more cohesive. So Den Mother Cesar whips one up as easily as Paula Deen makes bacon-fried sausages. Over at Team Nami, Calvin lovingly tells Ro that his dress is “horrendous”, and Rolando doesn’t argue. Instead, Rolando decides to “fix it”. Cue ominous foreshadowing music…

Day #2 ends, and it’s now Catwalk Day. Question: WTF is up with the designers carting their garments on rolling racks through the streets of NYC? Doesn’t Iman have minions to do that??

Speaking of minions, Clipboard Stefan runs around backstage like a Nun at a co-ed Catholic school dance (STOP TOUCHING!!!) and lines everyone up. The House of Nami goes first – and they present a very “industrial” looking collection in shades of gray.

The House of Emerald then shows a chic-looking collection with five looks – meaning one of the models has to do a quick change backstage.

The guest judge this week is “Supermodel” Anja Rubik – who is best known for her signature look …

Iman and Isaac come backstage and announce that the House of Emerald finally wins a challenge – with Jeffrey’s look being the overall winner. Isaac says he wants to steal Jeffrey’s dress for his next collection, but I don’t really get it – it looks like a plaid dress with a long piece of fabric hanging off the side …

The House of Nami goes in front of the judges…

Eduardo: “Deece-Co” dress. Judges likee. Eduardo has immunity. Safe.

Dominique: “Grungy young giggly gal wearing David’s her boyfriend’s shirt”. Judges likee. Safe.

Calvin: Great skirt, but top looked like a “Homemaker Under the Influence” (is there any other kind??). He is safe.

So the bottom two comes down to Rolando’s boring 1969 look, and Lady-Lovin-David’s 1982 Michael-Jackson-Grandma-Did-I-Mention-I-Like-Vaginas garment. Iman instructs them both “Don’t Move!!” and demands to know why David should stay. He immediately freezes up like a gay man standing in front of a powerful woman. Oh, wait…  Anygay, David won’t stick up for himself until a weeping Dominique demands that he not give up. Oy. I just CAN’T.

David suddenly finds some words about Grandma or Picklesnappers or something and I throw up a little in my mouth.

In the end, pretty gay Rolando is sent home – solely because the producers want to milk as much as possible out of David’s “relationship” with Dominique and her Shaved Ham. But at least she comes to the realization that she "wears the pants". Ya think?!?

Did I mention that I just CAN’T??

Next week: The Really Bankrupt Housewives of New Jersey vs. The Really Plastic Housewives of Someplace In California.

What did YOU think about last night's episode of The Fashion Show. Please leave your thoughts in the comments.

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