DAVID DUST: February 2008

I couldn’t figure out if I was watching Project Runway or The Price is Right last night on Bravo – it seemed like every 2 seconds there was another product popping up on the television. I kept waiting for someone to roll out the Plinko game, or start bidding on a dinette set. I guess it was time for Bravo to pay some bills.

The show opens on the runway (no shirtless shots of Rami – damn!) with the final four designers. Heidi comes out and tells them to get their asses home and get to sewing – they can spend up to $8,000 each (“without going over”) and have 5 months to create 12 looks to show at Bryant Park. But as we all know, this episode was all about the “Showcase Showdown” between Rami and Chris.

Tim even pops up on the runway to remind the designers of the high stakes, and informs them that he’ll be “checking in” on each of them over the coming months…in his NEW CAR!!!!!!!!....a Saturn (natch!).

But first, Heidi suggests they all go back to the New Gotham Apartments (cha-ching!) for one last toast. After arriving on the roof of the building, Tim informs them that he just happens to have some Moet et Chandon Champagne (cha-ching!) for them to drink. Cheers Queers! Then the designers pretend to be Janice, Dian, and Holly (“Barker’s Beauties”) and do a little “Rooftop Runway”. If they could have done that while holding boxes of Rice-A-Roni, I would have REALLY been impressed.

Everyone packs up and says their goodbyes. Mango/Christian, ever the sentimental one, exits the building with a heartfelt “Bye!...love you!...love your hair!!!”. That Mango, sometimes he can really tug at the heartstrings.

Three months later, Tim drives his SATURN (cha-ching!) down the street to Mango’s shoe-box sized apartment. The room Mango lives, sleeps, and sews in is very small…actually I would describe it as “Mango-sized”. Therefore it’s perfect.

Mango shows us some family pics, and elaborates on his background. He grew up in Annapolis, MD and started working at a hair salon at 13-years-old. OK – so he’s 21 now, and he started working at a hair salon 8 years ago…and his hair STILL looks like that!?! I’m glad that bitch switched over to designing clothes. Can you imagine sitting down in his chair at the salon and getting the Mango patented “party on the left, business on the right, money-maker in the middle” hairdon’t!?! I’m surprised our little Mango didn’t get killed.

The theme of his collection is “romantic gothic” – filled with “dark” and “strong” looks. It’s all typical Mango: fitted jackets and ridiculously fluffy collars. But then he shows Tim his “finale look”. They are chicken pants. Seriously, there is NO other way to describe them, other than “chicken pants”. If Big Bird were a size zero, these would be the pants he would wear. Wise Tim tells Mango that he needs to edit his collection – and lose some excess baggage (and some feathers). “Work hard, think harder” Yoda tells our little elf. And if I knew how to do needlepoint, I would totally be sewing that into pillows right now.

Tim then drives (in his SATURN – cha-ching!) to Jillian’s NYC apartment (haven’t they heard of the subway?). She has a cute place, but is wearing a cowl-neck Christmas sweater which distracts me. Jillian tells us that she quit her cubicle job at Ralph Lauren (cha-ching!) in order to research and prepare her collection. She is continuing on her medieval “Master of the Argonauts” journey to show her “strength” as a designer. Jillian really should have stayed at Ralph Lauren, at least for the employee discount. After all, it’s Christmas, and God knows she needs some new sweaters.

Tim generally likee what Jillian has created, but isn’t impressed by the “cloudy” color palette. “Johnny, what’s the next item up for bids???” Sorry, wrong show.

Jillian then suggests they head out to Long Island to meet her family. She reminds us of Long Island’s long tradition of great designers – Michael Kors, Donna Karen…and finally, Jillian Lewis (okay?...). The next time I’m at the Long Island IKEA, I’ll be sure to keep my eyes open for Karl Lagerfeld.

We get to Jillian’s house – and her family is just precious. First of all, she introduces us to her hunky boyfriend, Lewaa (I looked it up, bitches – that’s how he spells it!). He kinda looks like Rami with hair. Jillian’s father looks like he watches NASCAR on the weekends. But Jillian’s MOTHER is the true gem of the family. At the dining room table she tells us, in her Long Island accent, how she “sawr a clairvoyant woman” before she got married, who told her she would have 3 children – one of whom would be famous. Therefore, Mom has pushed Jillian her entire life to fulfill the family prophesy and become “the chosen one”. Then someone passed the greenbean casserole and they changed the subject to Mom’s collection of Hummel figurines, prominently displayed in the dining room breakfront.

After the commercial break (Wendy’s!, L’Oreal!, some movie with a chick that looks like a pig! – cha CHING!!!), Tim has driven his SATURN cross-country for a visit with Rami. Rami answers the door looking rather Ramilicous, and introduces us to his attractive friend Jeff, and some chick who I totally ignore because Rami and Jeff are looking hot – and I haven’t had sex in AGES. But I digress…

Over a little nosh and some drinks, Rami tells us AGAIN that he grew up in Jerusalem, and suddenly he’s not nearly as cute as Jeff is. He then informs us that his Mom was “Miss Jordan” (the COUNTRY, not the basketball star)…and the jokes just start coming to me in waves. OMG, they’re showing a picture of Rami’s mom in a TIARA!...what was her talent at the pageant – peace negotiations?...this recap is going to write itself!!!

But then he tells us that Mom died when he was five-years-old. Damn! There goes all those jokes…

Rami tells us how he was a closet-case sketcher of fashion, until one day when his brother snatched his pad and showed his father and step mom, who were impressed. Then they showed some hot pictures of Ramilicious, and Rami is back to being just as cute as Jeff.

Tim suggests they drive the SATURN (cha-ching!) over to Rami’s studio – even though it’s probably across the alley, but the Bravo bills must be paid! Rami is inspired by Joan of Arc. Tim likee the first look he sees – a cape over a blouse – but describes the other pieces as “looking so hammered and nailed”. Oh God, I wish I was hammered and…nevermind.

Tim tries to lift a coat (made of cement or lead) and tells Rami that it weighs as much as chainmail… “that’s a heavy-duty f-in coat!”. Tee-hee, teacher almost said a bad word!!

Tim then drives the SATURN (cha-ching!) all the way back to NYC to visit Chris. No wonder there’s so much product placement – all that gas must have cost a fortune! We see Chris’s studio, filled with Cruella DeVil garments. Chris describes his collection as 95% fashion, and 5% costume. That queen obviously failed basic math – or didn’t pay attention to enough pricing games on the Price is Right. It’s more like 200% costume and 9.8% fashion.

The “most provocative” element of Chris’ collection is his use of human hair on the garments. Seriously, there must have been a nationwide shortage of available weaves for awhile – no wonder Britney was looking so bad. Tim throws up a little in his mouth…he no likee.

Tim then tells Chris the story of the Monkey House. When you first walk into the Monkey House at the zoo, all you can smell is shit. After about 20 minutes, the smell isn’t nearly as bad. And after an hour, you can’t smell the shit at all. Well Chris, you have been in this Monkey House too long, and these outfits are SHIT!

I’m not liking Chris’ chances right now. Maybe he and Rami could just play a pricing game such as “Cliff Hangers” or “Hole In One”, and they could forget all about this whole fashion competition thing. I love that little mountain climber guy who yodels…

Tim and Chris leave the Monkey House and go to meet Chris’ friends. They go to his friend Larry’s apartment, which looks like an old rundown church inside – apparently on purpose. We find out a little more about Chris’ life, that NYC Cops hit on him from time to time, and we see Chris put on Rami’s mom’s tiara. Good times…

Commercial break: season two winner Chloe…in her NEW CAR!!!!. This shit is getting ridiculous.

It is now five days before the runway show, and the final four are gathering in New York to prepare. We see Rami getting his luggage from the Delta Airlines terminal (cha-ching!). We see all four of them gather at the On The Avenue hotel (cha-ching!). Jillian and Christian decide to be nice to each other (“love you, mean it”!), and Jillian brings a plant to mumble to. Rami and Chris hug just a little bit too long. Rami is holding a can of Sunkist (“Is the price of that Sunkist HIGHER or LOWER than 75 cents?”). Finally the four of them sit down, and proceed to drink Bud Light (cha-ching!)…in bottles. Now you can be certain that Mango has NEVER in his life consumed a beer out of a bottle. MAYBE a Zima – but definitely not a Bud Light! Bravo is prepared to show strong profit margins during this fiscal year.

After getting wasted and passing out, they wake up the next morning and head to their new workroom. The three work-tables are a stark reminder that one of them will soon be going home.

Wait…what in the fudge does Jillian have on her head? Seriously, is it a sweater? A scarf? A babushka? Did that Gypsy woman that her mother “sawr” give it to her? OMG – I’m too distracted to look at the next item up for bids…a Jet-ski and some Turtlewax.

Tim Gunn welcomes them back and reminds them of the “incredible and singular (or was that Cingular?) experience it is” to present their work at Bryant Park during Fashion Week. He tells Rami and Chris they will have 3 hours to get their act together and get their models to “COME ON DOWN!!!!” the runway. Tim reminds them of the available shoes from the Bluefly.com wall (cha-ching!), and the fact that there are Brother sewing machines (cha-ching!) available for their use. This is seriously getting annoying – I am ready to take a Craftsman hammer right now and put it through my RCA television set.

Jillian and Mango are there to assist Chris and Rami – so 'Team Fierce' reforms, and 'Team Passive-Aggressive' kicks into gear. Seriously, WTF is up with that CREATURE on Jillian’s head?? No wonder Rami is stressed – that hair thing is freaking him (and me) out!

Chris throws Mango a brush and tells him to tend to the weaves (well the bitch DID work at a salon!), but Mango would rather try all the garments on (natch!). “Don’t get it on the floor!” Chris barks. Too late.

Time for the runway show. Heidi, Michael, and Nina will be the only judges.

Rami’s three looks come out first. They are nice, and there aren’t any Grecian curtains at all. There’s that heavy f-in coat again.

Chris’ Monkey House/Cousin It costumes come plodding down the runway. He is trying to show “the dark side of beauty” but unfortunately he forgot the “beauty” part. Buh-bye.

Everyone gathers on the runway for a stern talking-to. Chris proudly informs the judges of his use of Diana Ross hairweaves, and Heidi and Nina throw up a little in THEIR mouths. Michael has worn diaper pants and shawls – so human hair doesn’t scare him at all. He says although Chris’ three looks are a little “creepy”, at least he thought “outside the box”. I don’t think Chris has even been IN the box, unless you count that stinky-ass Monkey House.

The judges like the fact that Rami showed some construction and tailoring (as opposed to just draping). Nina calls his 2nd look “beautifully done” and Michael says it “looks effortless”. Seriously, Rami is totally going to win, can we just speed this up so I can go to bed????

In the end, although Chris was able to use safety pins, velvet, and Whitney Houston wigs to make his outfits, they were too costumey. Rami is the winner…and big Chris is going home with nothing but some lovely parting gifts.

Again, Rami and Chris hug for just a little too long…and walk backstage to inform Mango and Mumbles what happened. Chris warns them to “watch out for this one!”, but I can’t figure out if he’s talking about Rami, or that thing on Jillian’s head.

In his final interview, Chris tells us how surprised he was about the “amount of love that the universe has sent his way” as a result of being on the show (not to mention hunky Cops!). When asked if he would do it again, he thinks for a second and replies…. “yeah” …and then bursts into his signature foghorn cackle. Buh-bye Big Boy – we’ll miss you!

Next week: Jillian mumbles and adjusts her bangs, Mango cries (WTF?!?), and Posh Spice ALMOST cracks a smile.

Please help control the pet population – have you pet spayed or neutered. Bye, love you, love your hair bitches!!