Top Chef Chicago - Episode Seven - "Lesbians Aren't Funny"

Last episode – Jen vows to win Top Chef for her dearly departed lesbian love Zoi, and “metrosexual” Ryan was sent home for having a bad tail…gate. Read my recap here.

Episode Seven opens with a lovely shot of Andrew putting on his socks – which is just WRONG. Andrew comments on how the house got “a lot uglier” now that “pretty boy Ryan” has gone (and a lot stinkier since he removed those socks). Ever since Andrew’s first boyfriend, Spike, hooked up with Mark in the hot tub, Andrew has been bitter, lonely, and horny.

Jen has vowed, once AGAIN, to … all together now … “do this for Zoi” … WE GOT IT!! Seriously, Jen is ALSO horny and wishing she had some of her lady’s lovin’ right about now and I think they should rename this show the House of Homos.

The Quickfire challenge is pretty straightforward – make a dessert. The Guest Judge this week is also pretty – his name is Johnny Iuzzini, Johnny is a renown Pastry Chef, and has written the book called Dessert Fourplay. Mmmmm…. tastes like chicken!

Johnny is REALLY cute…but he’s one of those cute guys who shouldn’t speak. He has a very slight Rudy Giuliani-esque speech impediment – further reason why he should simply stand there and look pretty. I hate it when cute guys pretend to have “ideas” and “thoughts” in their “brains”. Meanwhile, Padma looks like she just ordered Johnny for HER dessert…which would look something like this…


Speaking of Padma, she mentions that in season’s past, desserts have been a weak spot for the cheftestants. She then plugs Top Chef – The Cookbook which features recipes from the first 3 seasons of the show. The winner of this Quickfire challenge will be the only cheftestant from Season Four included in the book. By the way, Top Chef – The Cookbook is currently 34% off on Amazon.com. Seriously – it’s THAT good. Who WOULDN’T want a recipe for one of Marcel’s foams?...

We get all the usual “none of us are trained Pastry Chefs” disclaimers, and I start to do my usual – “why didn’t these idiots prepare” rant. Lesbian Lisa HATES to bake, because is requires all kinds of precise “measuring”, intricate “recipes”, and exact “ingredients”. Lisa prefers to throw some shit in a pot and see what happens.

Lesbian Jen is going all “Rain Man” while trying to remember her dessert recipe. “Two hundred …must be two hundred … yeah, definitely two hundred … gotta be two hundred … yeah … definitely … Quantus never crashed”... Jen is going to need some sex SOON.

Dale knows exactly ONE dessert recipe – and that’s what he’s doing. It’s a Filipino “Halo-Halo” dessert he had as a child – which is basically flavored crushed ice. Note to Dale: in the United States, that’s called a “Sno-Cone”. Spike has decided to show that he “has balls” (and according to Mark, they’re quite nice) by doing the feared evil “Soufflé”. Oooooh….scary!!

Richard – who (inaccurately) describes himself as “very tongue in cheek” and “witty” has decided to do bananas as faux sea scallops – with guacamole and chocolate. Which, of course, sounds disgusting but will probably win because Richard ALWAYS wins.

Chef Iuzzini announces his not-so-favorites – but his slight lisp (and cute appearance) is reminding me a little too much of Sylvester – the cartoon cat. I’m just wondering if Johnny has a “Suffering Succotash” dessert in his book.

Anywhoo – Sylvester, er, Johnny no likee:

Antonia’s Lemon Curd Brulé. Never use ingredients that rhyme with the word “turd”.

Spike’s Ballsy Soufflé. His “balls” aren’t THAT impressive.

Mark’s ‘Nibbly Bits’ of Pavlova.


Cute Johnny likee:

Dale’s Sno-Cone. Seriously?

Lisa’s Summer Wontons and Yogurt.

Richard’s Banana “Scallops” with Guacamole & Chocolate. Natch. Padma calls it “strange and delicious” and he is SO going to win.


Unsurprisingly, Richard wins. He has immunity and will be featured in the Top Chef Cookbook. And he will be 34% off…

Padma informs everyone they will find out about their Elimination Challenge later, in the meantime they should return home and prepare to go out. Tonight they are going to Second City – the famous birthplace of “Improv” comedy.

The “House of Homos” goes into full ‘primp and pretty’ mode. The cameraman walks in on Spike and Mark half naked, Richard is wearing pink, and Jen is making her shark-fin fauxhawk EXTRA stiff.

The cheftestants enjoy the comedy show – and the performers start asking the audience to call out various colors, emotions, and food ingredients. The chefs soon realize that these drunken responses will determine their Elimination Challenge. One of the performers confirms that the cheftestants will indeed be creating a five-course meal based on random shit drunk people yell out at the show. They will have to IMPROVISE (get it?). The always upbeat and positive Lisa decides “we’re fucked”.

Back at the Top Chef House, the cheftestants have to pair up and select courses – no pulling knives, etc…they have to do this on their own. Spike and Andrew gaze at each other across the crowded room, and suddenly their love is back. Horny Jen pairs up with bi-curious Stephanie, calling her a “doll” and a “sweetheart”. Jen is GETTING SOME tonight! Dale wants to continue riding the winning Richard bandwagon – so they also pair up again.

Here are the pairings, and their “inspirations”.

Course #1 – Spike and Andrew – “Yellow, Love, Vanilla”
Course #2 – Jen and Stephanie – “Orange, Turned-On, Asparagus”
Course #3 – Richard and Dale – “Green, Perplexed, Tofu”
Course #4 – Antonia and Lisa – “Magenta, Drunk, Polish Sausage”
Course #5 – Mark and Nikki – “Purple, Depressed, Bacon”

This is going to be interesting…

Off to Whole Foods they go for shopping. Jen and Stephanie decide on a sex theme (JEN IS HORNY!!) – so they’re buying “logs” of cheese and phallic asparagus. With Lesbian Jen running the show, I would have assumed they would go with oysters or red snapper…

Richard is taking this whole “comedy” thing a little too literally (after all, he is “witty”) and starts to do an AWFUL Seinfeld impersonation. I must have missed the episode where Jerry and George decided to grill Tofu after marinating in beef fat. I can picture Kramer spitting it out and screaming – “THIS ISN’T BEEF!”. Now THAT would be funny…

Antonia and Lisa’s “ingredient” is Polish Sausage. Antonia and Lisa decide to do “Chilean Sea Bass”. I don’t know why either…

Then we come to the newly reunited couple – Spike and Andrew. It is very fitting that their “emotion” is LOVE. Because there is much love in the air between these two douchebags. Spike is FINALLY going to be able to do friggin’ SQUASH SOUP! See my recap of Episode 5 – “He’ll Have The Soup” here to refresh your memory of the importance of soup in Spike’s life.

Back at the Top Chef kitchen, they notice a dining table has been set up to serve the comedians and judges. They have 3 hours to “get er done!”.

Spike and Andrew are practically smearing squash all over each other’s bodies. They are just so happy to be together, and in love, and making soup. Spike decides (all on his own) that a perfect soup is really the true mark of a good chef. Except he DIDN’T come up with that on his own – Chef Ming Tsai told him that during Episode 5!...

Antonia declares that she will “vomit in her mouth” if Spike wins with his soup – especially since SHE was the one who vetoed his soup idea two challenges ago. If I hear Spike say “soup” one more time, I will ALSO die of barfness.

Then we get a twist…there is no electrical equipment! The cheftestants have to do everything by hand! They have to IMPROVISE! The guys keep repeating the names of the missing appliances, and each one sounds like something Dr. Suess wrote about in “How The Grinch Stole Christmas!”. “There are no Jing Tinglers, we have no Flu Floopers…they’ve taken the Tar Tinkers and even the Blum Bloopers!!”. Everyone gets a chuckle because Spike and Andrew are doing soup, and everyone knows it’s REALLY hard to make soup without an electric Jing Tingler…

Andrew states that he doesn’t need a Jing Tingler, er, BLENDER to make a “banging soup” – he will “improvise”. Besides, he adds, pureeing squash through a hand-ricer somehow equals “love” in Andrew’s book. Remind me NOT to watch him and Spike have sex…

Andrew to Spike: “You really know how to work a sack dude”! Those two are SO going to do it when this is over.

Jen and Stephanie have decided on a “ménage a tois” of orange, asparagus, and goat cheese – and are really running with the sexual theme of the dish. Personally, I would NEVER let a lesbian arrange a ménage a tois – they are more couple-oriented (Joke: What does a lesbian bring on a second date? Answer: A U-Haul). I always thought a lesbian ménage a tois was a female couple and their pet cat.

OMG – another twist! Chef Tom comes into the Top Chef kitchen and informs everyone they will actually be cooking/serving at the Top Chef House! They have 20 minutes to pack up everything in Glad wrap, Glad ware, and other Glad products – and move to their house. The dining table in the Top Chef kitchen was just a decoy! They will have to IMPROVISE!! This is getting old…

They get to the house, and everybody makes a “too many cooks in the kitchen” comment…because the kitchen is small (duh!). Spike is making “love” to his soup…tasting, adding salt, tasting, adding stock. Some call this “layering flavors”, but he and Andrew call it “foreplay”.

The judges and Second City performers arrive, and it’s time for service.

Andrew and Spike show their “Vanilla Love” and serve their squash soup with crème fraiche. I am HOPING AND PRAYING that Tom Colicchio throws one of his hissy fits about some inappropriate flavor – but everybody really LIKEE. Padma wants to lick her bowl clean – and Antonia vomits a little bit in her mouth, as promised.

Next up is Lesbian Jen, and wannabe Lesbian Stephanie. They are using bread, oranges, goat cheese and asparagus to represent sex. Lesbians are strange. They do an unfunny, and unsexy presentation about logs, etc. that doesn’t “turn on” any of the dinner guests. This “ménage a tois” does NOT go well.

We have Richard and Dale’s Green Perplexed Tofu steaks next. Chef Tom comments that if he was a cheftestant and had to utilize Tofu, he would have been “bummed”. But they all REALLY likee this “perplexing” dish.

Antonia and Lisa present their “Magenta Drunk Polish Sausage” dish. It consists of Sea Bass, Chorizo, and some other stuff that isn’t magenta. To satisfy the “drunk” requirement, the two of them do a tequila shot at the end of their presentation, but don’t offer any to the dinner guests. Um, ladies?... Comics and Chefs tend to be heavy drinkers – you might not want to deny them liquor before having them judge your dish. In fact, Tom decides they didn’t “carry out the drunkenness of the dish” – which is code for “bitches be drinking all up in my face and not sharing!”.

Finally Mark and Nikki do an immediately forgettable dish which doesn’t end up in the top or the bottom so let’s immediately forget about it.

After the commercial break, everyone has gathered in the Not-So-Glad Storage Room, and Padma calls for Dale, Richard, Spike and Andrew. They are the top two teams.

Douchy Dale is rocking his manly teal headband, and commenting about how THIS TIME Richard let him “drive” (I bet that was a “short” drive). Is EVERYONE banging at Homo House?

Spike comments on how his mother once told him that the best test of a chef was whether or not they could make a good soup. No douchebag, that was Chef Ming Tsai, and it was two episodes ago! Gay Judge Ted swoons at this idea, saying love = soup = mom. Us gay boys LOVE our Mamas (and soup)!

Chef Tom continues the Andrew/Spike love affair by saying the soup was the best seasoned dish so far this season. Antonia is vomiting back in the Not-So-Glad room, and doesn’t even know why.

But all the love in the world isn’t going to thwart Richard and Dale’s tricked-out Tofu, and they are declared the winning team. Padma announces that they will each receive $2500 worth of Calphalon kitchen equipment. I wonder how many Jing Tinglers you can buy with $2500?...

Antonia, Lisa, Jen and Stephanie are called in for judging. They are the two LEAST favorite teams.

Chef Tom acknowledges that at this point in the competition, everyone is pretty talented – so the judges have to get nit picky. Let the nitting and picking begin…

First of all, Antonia and Lisa immediately defend their lack of Polish Sausage in their Polish Sausage dish: Polish Sausage is nasty and packed in plastic. So they used Sea Bass and Chorizo – natch. Cutie Chef Johnny suggests they should have cooked Polish Sausage in beer to do “Drunken Polish Sausage”. Even the dumb gorgeous ones come up with a decent idea every once in a while. Lisa and Antonia are pissed because they are being called on what they describe as a “technicality” – but what I would call “ignoring the instructions”.

The judges tell Stephanie and Jen that their “ménage a tois” was much more like a messy orgy – and Chef Tom tries to calm the stiffie that’s rising under the Judges table. Jen tries to explain that the asparagus was supposed to be phallic – which none of the judges recognized (even the gay one). Considering that Jen is a lesbian, and has had little access to phallic examples – she should have stuck to what she knows. Hence, my suggestion of Red Snapper…

Cutie Chef Johnny says the “ménage” lacked finesse…or, as he said, “finethe”. He also said they used too much goat “cheeth”. Keep your cute mouth shut!!! He apparently also thought the asparaguth thould have been more erect…wait…WHAT?!?.

They announce that Jen and Stephanie’s dish was their least favorite, and Jen is asked to pack her knives and go back to Zoi’s arms in San Francisco. Jen is choked up, defends her dish a little, and thanks the judges. Back in the Not-So-Glad room, she hugs her “brother” Richard (he of the same haircut) who tells her that she’s a “great chef”. She hugs Stephanie (who she calls “baby”), and gives everyone a final “Peace Out!”. Buh-Bye!

Next week, they force Ecuadorian children to work in the kitchen, and Chef Tom hates New Zealanders. Till then bitches!!!!