Last week on Top Chef: LesbiLisa and her double-chin made it to the finals after Spike’s frozen scallops sent him packing. And Gail’s boobies are the BEST.THING.EVER. Read my recap here.
Welcome to Puerto Rico, bitches! Sorry I couldn't think of a more inventive title, but "Lisa Is A Stank Bitch" will become clear at the end of this recap. On this week’s Top Chef, Richard, Stephanie, Antonia, and (somehow) Lisa traveled to Puerto Rico for the finals. Puerto Rico – land of a million Papis. I have never gone there because I would probably never leave. It is David Dust’s “promised land”. Jews have Florida, I have Puerto Rico…
Stephanie arrives first. She has spent her last few weeks traveling in Asia. Apparently they don’t have Cover Girl in Cambodia – because Stephanie isn’t wearing any makeup. Which is a mistake.
Antonia is next. She has spent her time opening her own restaurant and working 100 hours a week. And turning her daughter into a neglected latchkey kid.
New daddy Richard arrives – looking relaxed and wearing shades. Steph, Antonia, and Richard all find each other and bond a little bit. Richard remarks that these are the three cheftestants most people expected to make it to the finals.
Then we see Lisa. PARTY’S OVER!!! She has turned into SuperDyke! with a new boyish haircut and a leaner body. Richard doesn’t seem happy to see her, maybe because he realizes that Lisa is now the cutest guy on the show.
Quickfire Challenge:
The four of them jump into an SUV and go to a gorgeous beachside location. Padma is there with Puerto Rican Chef Wilo Benet. He’s a big ‘ole Puerto Rican PapiBear – and he’s looking at Stephanie like he would like to … well, you get the picture. I TOLD you Steph has the body the Papis cherish. And Wilo Coyote could CARE LESS that Stephanie hasn’t visited the Rite Aid Revlon counter recently.
Padma explains that Puerto Ricans have a tradition of serving “frituras” – which are fried snacks consumed beachside with beer. I wish I would have been there, because I would have explained the Puerto Rican Papi tradition of having sex with ME after MANY beers…beachside or otherwise.
Anywhoo, the cheftestants will create two different frituras – both containing plantains. Plantains are widely used in Puerto Rico. In Spanish, they’re called “plátanos”. It's amazing what you can learn when you actually TALK to a Papi. I have also learned that fresh plátanos can be sent to inmates at New York State correctional facilities. Don’t ask me how I know this.
The four of them have 40 minutes – and they can use any of the fresh produce in front of them, and any of the ingredients they find in the small kitchen behind them. Lisa is the only one who runs into the kitchen first. Lesbians ALWAYS have to be different.
We get the normal cramped kitchen clusterfuck – Richard almost burns his fauxhawk on the stove, Lisa is her normal “delicate flower” self, and Stephanie has decided to keep it simple and stay focused. Stephanie thinks she does horribly in the Quickfire challenges because she has “too many ideas”. Good plan Steph, Papis don’t like a gal with a lot of “ideas”. Trust me.
Utensils down – hands up! This time EVERYONE gives us “jazz hands” – like a culinary beachside version of “Fosse – El Musical”.
Padma and Chef Wilo are big-pimpin’ on the deck, sippin’ cervezas and waiting for these bitches to bring them some fried snacks. Stephanie is first to show her fritters, and Wilo seems to LOVE them. He even asks her if this was her “first time”....making frituras. She says “Sí Papi!” and Chef Wilo is in love. But a couple more beers and he might start eyeing-up Richard – or even Lisa.
Antonia is next. Wilo seems to no likee her fritters. Lisa then brings her creations out, and I notice she walks like John Wayne with hemorrhoids. She is about 4 keychains away from becoming a Lesbian Janitor. Wilo asks Lisa about the chutney she made, which contained kumquats. Some of you may remember when Posh Spice wore a kumquat-colored dress to the finale of Project Runway. At that time I said “kumquat” is the nastiest word EVER, and no one should use it. Somehow Lisa makes the word “kumquat” even more disgusting.
Richard is last. He explains his frituras are a “play on”… Seriously, he is a good chef, but this “play on” stuff is tired. Shut up and cook, bitch – which, coincidentally, will be the name of BET’s cooking show next fall.
Wilo announces that Antonia’s fritters were slimy – which was a “turn-off”. You got to keep it clean for the Papis. Slimy ‘no es bueno’. Furthermore, Richard’s meatballs were dry. You must also keep it moist for the papis. “Clean and Moist” – which is the motto of the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico.
Wilo likee Lisa’s “well-executed” tostones – but her meat was a little too thick. That’s not what the gals at the Cubby Hole said last weekend, but whatever. Not surprising, the future Mrs. Chef Wilo Benet – Stephanie – is the winner. Off camera, Wilo tells Stephanie that she will find her “prize” in his left pocket…
This is also Stephanie’s “first time” …winning a Quickfire. Stephanie will find out her winner’s advantage tomorrow, but for tonight they are all going to a party in Old San Juan with Wilo.
They arrive at the fiesta, and there are people dancing to traditional music, mucho drinking, and a pig roasting on an open flame. There are also some HOT PAPIS up in this piece. Padma is dancing with Tom Colicchio and judging by Tom’s dancing, it’s Hammertime. Everyone is trying to get Richard to dance, but he looks TERRIFIED – saying he DOES.NOT.DANCE. Richard can cook with water baths, plastic bags, and gas smokers – but DON’T ask him to do the Electric Slide. Dancing is like kryptonite for straight guys – although Tom Colicchio doesn’t seem to have a problem with it. Hmmm?… Personally, I would be passing around trays of rum shots to the Papis – trying to separate one from the herd. Like a horny jackal. That’s how I roll…
We get a lot of “filler” commentary from all four cheftestants … “it’s been a long journey … I want to win … I didn’t get this far to go home now … HEY – that’s not a PRIZE in your pocket!!” ... blah, blah, blah…
Elimination Challenge:
The following day, the Fab Four are taken to the private residence of the Puerto Rican Governor, where they find Padma and Chef “Step It Up and Dance” Colicchio. Chef Tom begins his Elimination Challenge announcement by saying: “In Puerto Rico, it’s just not a party without a pig”. This reminds me of something I saw on Dust Bunny Dan’s blog. Dan knows how to get a party started. And that Papi beside him is his huband, Luis. Lucky biatch. I need to get Luis in a room with some rum shots...
Anywhoo – as is typical for this season, this is another “Top Caterer” challenge. They will be catering a party for 100 VIP’s – held at the governor’s residence. Each cheftestant will get two pigs – one dead, and one alive. The dead pig will be butchered, and the live pigs will go shopping. The “live pig” helpers arrive in the form of Spike, Dale, Nikki, and Andrew. Stephanie, as the winner of the Quickfire, gets to pair up the chefs to their pig helpers. In addition to whatever she grabbed in Wilo’s pocket.
Lisa, upon seeing Dale and Andrew, realizes her options are limited due to her past stank. Andrew looks like his meds are keeping him steady, and Dale has gained a few pounds and has cute chubby cheeks. Nikki was raised a poor black child – but that’s another story.
Stephanie selects Dale and teams up Richard and Spike. She lets Antonia have Nikki, which leaves Andrew and Lisa working together. Andrew looks miserable. Don’t worry dude, you don’t have to have sex with her – just help her cook.
The Sous Chefs leave to go shopping, and the four remaining cheftestants come face to face with their (dead) pigs. Stephanie remarks that people don’t realize those tasty pork chops comes from poor, defenseless “Wilbur”. She is fixing to make me cry like I do every time Bambi’s mother dies.
Top Chef becomes BLOODBATH: Puerto Rico when they start their butchering. Lesbian Lisa – who’s last name is Fernandes – remarks that she is Jewish (WTF??!!??) – and the fact that her mallet broke during the butchering process is a sign from God that he’s unhappy. Honey, pork is the LEAST of God’s problems with you. Ask any Republican.
At the market, Andrew is trying to speak Spanish – with hilarious results. “I don’t speak that good of Spanish”, he says. Not to mention English. His strategy for communicating in Spanish is using colors and “visual shit”. Good luck with that.
Andrew starts talking to a lady shopkeeper at the market, and she’s giving him the “no speakee Ingli” routine. Remind me to do that if I ever see Andrew on the street. But his ‘colors and visual shit’ strategy usually results in him “looking like a retard” – and this case is no exception.
Dale is buying rotten plantains, claiming that’s what they eat in the Philippines. His chubby cheeks are mesmerizing me – I just want to pinch those bitches. They seem to frame his brown puppy dog eyes nicely.
Back at the Bloodbath, Lisa wishes everyone “Happy Hoggin!’”, which is the traditional Gay Pride Day greeting for Dykes On Bikes. Or, in this case, what you’d say to your fellow cheftestants before slicing up Wilbur.
All of a sudden, Richard has a brainstorm while thinking of a childhood Jamaican friend. This friend loved Malta – a carbonated malt beverage popular in the Caribbean – and Richard wants to use it in one of his dishes. He calls Spike and tells him to pick up a six pack. But I want to know why Richard started thinking of his childhood Jamaican friend while hacking up a pig. If they hadn’t already caught the Unabomber, I’d be calling the America’s Most Wanted hotline right now.
One thing everyone seems to agree on is Lisa’s stank. Andrew says she is a “strong personality”, and even Richard makes remarks about her “bad attitude” and that she is like a “gray cloud” in the kitchen. Yeah, a gray cloud with a cuter haircut than you – get over it. But it is VERY obvious who everyone thinks should go home.
Dale is helping Stephanie – trying to “set her up for success”. And by that he means leaving her pork bellies out overnight – making them unusable for the challenge and putting Stephanie in jeopardy of going home. Dale seems truly sorry, but you never know. Did I mention those cute little cheeks?...
The new day dawns, and they have five hours to prepare for the party. Antonia is having rice problems (remind you of anyone?) and seems a little “off”. Even clueless Nikki notices – and decides that she must “stay strong” and help her. Antonia is doomed.
Antonia mentions that she needs to focus on the details of the challenge – and stop worrying about her newly-opened restaurant. And that daughter she’s left locked in the apartment for the last 3 months. And by the way – the daughter told her not to come home unless she wins. Latchkey kids can be bitter.
Stephanie and Dale are brainstorming and trying to decide on another pork dish to make up for the spoiled pork bellies. They decide on Chicharrones – which is just a fancy name for pork rinds. They’re going to do a fruit salad topped with pork rinds – and call it a day. But this is Stephanie we’re talking about – Chef Wilo would be impressed with a grilled ham and cheese sandwich as long as SHE made it.
The guests begin to arrive and so do the judges. GAIL AND HER BOOBIES ARE HERE!!!!!!!!!!! Please see my new blog: http://gailsfunbags.blogspot.com/.
Tom, Padma, Gail, Gail’s Boobies, and Wilo approach Stephanie first. The judges seem to likee, and Wilo REALLY likee Stephanie’s 'pancakes'. Ba dum bum! Stephanie remarks, rather smugly, “I think I’m good”. To paraphrase the wise words of Britney Spears: “She’s NOT THAT IN-NO-CENT!”. And I always thought Spike was the sneaky one.
Then we get to Richard. Richard is “that guy” at work you NEVER want to ask a question – because the answer will be in 9 parts and take 40 minutes. With a table of contents and footnotes. Each of Richard’s dishes “has a story”. In the process of telling his “stories”, he disses his mother’s cooking, talks about growing up among diversity, and references Southern cooking in general – and Atlanta specifically. His strategy, he says, is bending each Top Chef challenge to suit your strengths. Please, could someone just let him win this thing already?!?
The sun has now set, and the judges visit Lisa. She is talking about “mojo” and “pork blood” and the judges being “anal about the food”. She is gross.
Lastly, they visit Antonia. Gail and her Boobies don’t look impressed with Antonia’s beans, and Antonia looks concerned.
The party is over, and the cheftestants proceed to a hastily setup Not-So-Glad Storage room – with only about 5 boxes of Glad trash bags in the background. Lame. Seriously, I hope the Production Assistant in charge of product placement got fired for this.
At the Judge’s Table it quickly becomes obvious that Richard and Stephanie did well, and Antonia and Lisa did not. Richard and Stephanie are summoned by Padma.
Padma announces that they are the favorites, and both act surprised. Give me a break, Richard KNEW he was good, and Miss Steph played “pocket pool” with one of the Judges – OFF COURSE they are the top two.
Wilo announces that RICHARD is the winner (how many beers did Wilo have!?!) and he wins ... A NEW CAR!!!!! Thank you Rod Roddy – who’s the next contestant on The Price Is Right?
Richard is flabbergasted and obviously happy about winning the new car. Stephanie is humiliated and feels trashy and used. The Papis will do that to ya honey.
Back in the Almost-Not-Glad-At-All Storage Room, Antonia is worried. And Lisa is her normal stank lesbian self. They get summoned to the Judge's table.
Lisa and her double chin makes their usual appearance – although the double chin is less pronounced. She thought her dishes were “very strong” – which is what she said during her previous 27 appearances before the judges. Up until now they’ve bought this line of crap. Gail and her Boobies wanted Lisa to focus more on the pig and less on the garnishes. Those Funbags can be thoughtful and serious if necessary. Gail’s lip gloss, by the way, is FLAWLESS. Look for my “Gail’s Lip gloss Is Fierce” blog – coming soon.
Antonia is criticized for her undercooked pigeon peas – which she tries to call “al dente”. Nice try. Tom is all bent out of shape by the fact that Lisa served all three of her dishes on the same plate. And you know how Miss Tom gets when there’s a bee in her bonnet. Trust me – this bee is buzzing. Antonia and Lisa return to the faux NSG Storage room. Lisa predicts that she will go home. From your lips to Bravo's ears...
Commercial break. Earlier, Bravo had asked who should pack their knives and go in their Text Poll. 91% thought Lisa and her stank should go. All signs point to Lisa leaving – so why do I think Antonia is outta here?
Antonia and Lisa are called back in, and Tom gives them the lecture about bringing their “A Game”, blah blah blah. But then he starts bitching about Antonia’s undercooked beans, and I’m starting to think I’m right.
Padma announces: “Antonia, please pack your knives and go”. Holy crap!!! Lisa undercooks rice TWO TIMES, and will compete in the Finale. Antonia undercooks beans ONCE and goes home. 91% of the viewers are furious right now.
Antonia approaches the judges table to shake hands, but did you noticed that she dissed Gail and her Boobies? What was up with that?!? She returns to Stephanie and Richard who are visibly shaken. Antonia hugs them and says goodbye.
Welcome to Puerto Rico, bitches! Sorry I couldn't think of a more inventive title, but "Lisa Is A Stank Bitch" will become clear at the end of this recap. On this week’s Top Chef, Richard, Stephanie, Antonia, and (somehow) Lisa traveled to Puerto Rico for the finals. Puerto Rico – land of a million Papis. I have never gone there because I would probably never leave. It is David Dust’s “promised land”. Jews have Florida, I have Puerto Rico…
Stephanie arrives first. She has spent her last few weeks traveling in Asia. Apparently they don’t have Cover Girl in Cambodia – because Stephanie isn’t wearing any makeup. Which is a mistake.
Antonia is next. She has spent her time opening her own restaurant and working 100 hours a week. And turning her daughter into a neglected latchkey kid.
New daddy Richard arrives – looking relaxed and wearing shades. Steph, Antonia, and Richard all find each other and bond a little bit. Richard remarks that these are the three cheftestants most people expected to make it to the finals.
Then we see Lisa. PARTY’S OVER!!! She has turned into SuperDyke! with a new boyish haircut and a leaner body. Richard doesn’t seem happy to see her, maybe because he realizes that Lisa is now the cutest guy on the show.
Quickfire Challenge:
The four of them jump into an SUV and go to a gorgeous beachside location. Padma is there with Puerto Rican Chef Wilo Benet. He’s a big ‘ole Puerto Rican PapiBear – and he’s looking at Stephanie like he would like to … well, you get the picture. I TOLD you Steph has the body the Papis cherish. And Wilo Coyote could CARE LESS that Stephanie hasn’t visited the Rite Aid Revlon counter recently.
Padma explains that Puerto Ricans have a tradition of serving “frituras” – which are fried snacks consumed beachside with beer. I wish I would have been there, because I would have explained the Puerto Rican Papi tradition of having sex with ME after MANY beers…beachside or otherwise.
Anywhoo, the cheftestants will create two different frituras – both containing plantains. Plantains are widely used in Puerto Rico. In Spanish, they’re called “plátanos”. It's amazing what you can learn when you actually TALK to a Papi. I have also learned that fresh plátanos can be sent to inmates at New York State correctional facilities. Don’t ask me how I know this.
The four of them have 40 minutes – and they can use any of the fresh produce in front of them, and any of the ingredients they find in the small kitchen behind them. Lisa is the only one who runs into the kitchen first. Lesbians ALWAYS have to be different.
We get the normal cramped kitchen clusterfuck – Richard almost burns his fauxhawk on the stove, Lisa is her normal “delicate flower” self, and Stephanie has decided to keep it simple and stay focused. Stephanie thinks she does horribly in the Quickfire challenges because she has “too many ideas”. Good plan Steph, Papis don’t like a gal with a lot of “ideas”. Trust me.
Utensils down – hands up! This time EVERYONE gives us “jazz hands” – like a culinary beachside version of “Fosse – El Musical”.
Padma and Chef Wilo are big-pimpin’ on the deck, sippin’ cervezas and waiting for these bitches to bring them some fried snacks. Stephanie is first to show her fritters, and Wilo seems to LOVE them. He even asks her if this was her “first time”....making frituras. She says “Sí Papi!” and Chef Wilo is in love. But a couple more beers and he might start eyeing-up Richard – or even Lisa.
Antonia is next. Wilo seems to no likee her fritters. Lisa then brings her creations out, and I notice she walks like John Wayne with hemorrhoids. She is about 4 keychains away from becoming a Lesbian Janitor. Wilo asks Lisa about the chutney she made, which contained kumquats. Some of you may remember when Posh Spice wore a kumquat-colored dress to the finale of Project Runway. At that time I said “kumquat” is the nastiest word EVER, and no one should use it. Somehow Lisa makes the word “kumquat” even more disgusting.
Richard is last. He explains his frituras are a “play on”… Seriously, he is a good chef, but this “play on” stuff is tired. Shut up and cook, bitch – which, coincidentally, will be the name of BET’s cooking show next fall.
Wilo announces that Antonia’s fritters were slimy – which was a “turn-off”. You got to keep it clean for the Papis. Slimy ‘no es bueno’. Furthermore, Richard’s meatballs were dry. You must also keep it moist for the papis. “Clean and Moist” – which is the motto of the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico.
Wilo likee Lisa’s “well-executed” tostones – but her meat was a little too thick. That’s not what the gals at the Cubby Hole said last weekend, but whatever. Not surprising, the future Mrs. Chef Wilo Benet – Stephanie – is the winner. Off camera, Wilo tells Stephanie that she will find her “prize” in his left pocket…
This is also Stephanie’s “first time” …winning a Quickfire. Stephanie will find out her winner’s advantage tomorrow, but for tonight they are all going to a party in Old San Juan with Wilo.
They arrive at the fiesta, and there are people dancing to traditional music, mucho drinking, and a pig roasting on an open flame. There are also some HOT PAPIS up in this piece. Padma is dancing with Tom Colicchio and judging by Tom’s dancing, it’s Hammertime. Everyone is trying to get Richard to dance, but he looks TERRIFIED – saying he DOES.NOT.DANCE. Richard can cook with water baths, plastic bags, and gas smokers – but DON’T ask him to do the Electric Slide. Dancing is like kryptonite for straight guys – although Tom Colicchio doesn’t seem to have a problem with it. Hmmm?… Personally, I would be passing around trays of rum shots to the Papis – trying to separate one from the herd. Like a horny jackal. That’s how I roll…
We get a lot of “filler” commentary from all four cheftestants … “it’s been a long journey … I want to win … I didn’t get this far to go home now … HEY – that’s not a PRIZE in your pocket!!” ... blah, blah, blah…
Elimination Challenge:
The following day, the Fab Four are taken to the private residence of the Puerto Rican Governor, where they find Padma and Chef “Step It Up and Dance” Colicchio. Chef Tom begins his Elimination Challenge announcement by saying: “In Puerto Rico, it’s just not a party without a pig”. This reminds me of something I saw on Dust Bunny Dan’s blog. Dan knows how to get a party started. And that Papi beside him is his huband, Luis. Lucky biatch. I need to get Luis in a room with some rum shots...
Anywhoo – as is typical for this season, this is another “Top Caterer” challenge. They will be catering a party for 100 VIP’s – held at the governor’s residence. Each cheftestant will get two pigs – one dead, and one alive. The dead pig will be butchered, and the live pigs will go shopping. The “live pig” helpers arrive in the form of Spike, Dale, Nikki, and Andrew. Stephanie, as the winner of the Quickfire, gets to pair up the chefs to their pig helpers. In addition to whatever she grabbed in Wilo’s pocket.
Lisa, upon seeing Dale and Andrew, realizes her options are limited due to her past stank. Andrew looks like his meds are keeping him steady, and Dale has gained a few pounds and has cute chubby cheeks. Nikki was raised a poor black child – but that’s another story.
Stephanie selects Dale and teams up Richard and Spike. She lets Antonia have Nikki, which leaves Andrew and Lisa working together. Andrew looks miserable. Don’t worry dude, you don’t have to have sex with her – just help her cook.
The Sous Chefs leave to go shopping, and the four remaining cheftestants come face to face with their (dead) pigs. Stephanie remarks that people don’t realize those tasty pork chops comes from poor, defenseless “Wilbur”. She is fixing to make me cry like I do every time Bambi’s mother dies.
Top Chef becomes BLOODBATH: Puerto Rico when they start their butchering. Lesbian Lisa – who’s last name is Fernandes – remarks that she is Jewish (WTF??!!??) – and the fact that her mallet broke during the butchering process is a sign from God that he’s unhappy. Honey, pork is the LEAST of God’s problems with you. Ask any Republican.
At the market, Andrew is trying to speak Spanish – with hilarious results. “I don’t speak that good of Spanish”, he says. Not to mention English. His strategy for communicating in Spanish is using colors and “visual shit”. Good luck with that.
Andrew starts talking to a lady shopkeeper at the market, and she’s giving him the “no speakee Ingli” routine. Remind me to do that if I ever see Andrew on the street. But his ‘colors and visual shit’ strategy usually results in him “looking like a retard” – and this case is no exception.
Dale is buying rotten plantains, claiming that’s what they eat in the Philippines. His chubby cheeks are mesmerizing me – I just want to pinch those bitches. They seem to frame his brown puppy dog eyes nicely.
Back at the Bloodbath, Lisa wishes everyone “Happy Hoggin!’”, which is the traditional Gay Pride Day greeting for Dykes On Bikes. Or, in this case, what you’d say to your fellow cheftestants before slicing up Wilbur.
All of a sudden, Richard has a brainstorm while thinking of a childhood Jamaican friend. This friend loved Malta – a carbonated malt beverage popular in the Caribbean – and Richard wants to use it in one of his dishes. He calls Spike and tells him to pick up a six pack. But I want to know why Richard started thinking of his childhood Jamaican friend while hacking up a pig. If they hadn’t already caught the Unabomber, I’d be calling the America’s Most Wanted hotline right now.
One thing everyone seems to agree on is Lisa’s stank. Andrew says she is a “strong personality”, and even Richard makes remarks about her “bad attitude” and that she is like a “gray cloud” in the kitchen. Yeah, a gray cloud with a cuter haircut than you – get over it. But it is VERY obvious who everyone thinks should go home.
Dale is helping Stephanie – trying to “set her up for success”. And by that he means leaving her pork bellies out overnight – making them unusable for the challenge and putting Stephanie in jeopardy of going home. Dale seems truly sorry, but you never know. Did I mention those cute little cheeks?...
The new day dawns, and they have five hours to prepare for the party. Antonia is having rice problems (remind you of anyone?) and seems a little “off”. Even clueless Nikki notices – and decides that she must “stay strong” and help her. Antonia is doomed.
Antonia mentions that she needs to focus on the details of the challenge – and stop worrying about her newly-opened restaurant. And that daughter she’s left locked in the apartment for the last 3 months. And by the way – the daughter told her not to come home unless she wins. Latchkey kids can be bitter.
Stephanie and Dale are brainstorming and trying to decide on another pork dish to make up for the spoiled pork bellies. They decide on Chicharrones – which is just a fancy name for pork rinds. They’re going to do a fruit salad topped with pork rinds – and call it a day. But this is Stephanie we’re talking about – Chef Wilo would be impressed with a grilled ham and cheese sandwich as long as SHE made it.
The guests begin to arrive and so do the judges. GAIL AND HER BOOBIES ARE HERE!!!!!!!!!!! Please see my new blog: http://gailsfunbags.blogspot.com/.
Tom, Padma, Gail, Gail’s Boobies, and Wilo approach Stephanie first. The judges seem to likee, and Wilo REALLY likee Stephanie’s 'pancakes'. Ba dum bum! Stephanie remarks, rather smugly, “I think I’m good”. To paraphrase the wise words of Britney Spears: “She’s NOT THAT IN-NO-CENT!”. And I always thought Spike was the sneaky one.
Then we get to Richard. Richard is “that guy” at work you NEVER want to ask a question – because the answer will be in 9 parts and take 40 minutes. With a table of contents and footnotes. Each of Richard’s dishes “has a story”. In the process of telling his “stories”, he disses his mother’s cooking, talks about growing up among diversity, and references Southern cooking in general – and Atlanta specifically. His strategy, he says, is bending each Top Chef challenge to suit your strengths. Please, could someone just let him win this thing already?!?
The sun has now set, and the judges visit Lisa. She is talking about “mojo” and “pork blood” and the judges being “anal about the food”. She is gross.
Lastly, they visit Antonia. Gail and her Boobies don’t look impressed with Antonia’s beans, and Antonia looks concerned.
The party is over, and the cheftestants proceed to a hastily setup Not-So-Glad Storage room – with only about 5 boxes of Glad trash bags in the background. Lame. Seriously, I hope the Production Assistant in charge of product placement got fired for this.
At the Judge’s Table it quickly becomes obvious that Richard and Stephanie did well, and Antonia and Lisa did not. Richard and Stephanie are summoned by Padma.
Padma announces that they are the favorites, and both act surprised. Give me a break, Richard KNEW he was good, and Miss Steph played “pocket pool” with one of the Judges – OFF COURSE they are the top two.
Wilo announces that RICHARD is the winner (how many beers did Wilo have!?!) and he wins ... A NEW CAR!!!!! Thank you Rod Roddy – who’s the next contestant on The Price Is Right?
Richard is flabbergasted and obviously happy about winning the new car. Stephanie is humiliated and feels trashy and used. The Papis will do that to ya honey.
Back in the Almost-Not-Glad-At-All Storage Room, Antonia is worried. And Lisa is her normal stank lesbian self. They get summoned to the Judge's table.
Lisa and her double chin makes their usual appearance – although the double chin is less pronounced. She thought her dishes were “very strong” – which is what she said during her previous 27 appearances before the judges. Up until now they’ve bought this line of crap. Gail and her Boobies wanted Lisa to focus more on the pig and less on the garnishes. Those Funbags can be thoughtful and serious if necessary. Gail’s lip gloss, by the way, is FLAWLESS. Look for my “Gail’s Lip gloss Is Fierce” blog – coming soon.
Antonia is criticized for her undercooked pigeon peas – which she tries to call “al dente”. Nice try. Tom is all bent out of shape by the fact that Lisa served all three of her dishes on the same plate. And you know how Miss Tom gets when there’s a bee in her bonnet. Trust me – this bee is buzzing. Antonia and Lisa return to the faux NSG Storage room. Lisa predicts that she will go home. From your lips to Bravo's ears...
Commercial break. Earlier, Bravo had asked who should pack their knives and go in their Text Poll. 91% thought Lisa and her stank should go. All signs point to Lisa leaving – so why do I think Antonia is outta here?
Antonia and Lisa are called back in, and Tom gives them the lecture about bringing their “A Game”, blah blah blah. But then he starts bitching about Antonia’s undercooked beans, and I’m starting to think I’m right.
Padma announces: “Antonia, please pack your knives and go”. Holy crap!!! Lisa undercooks rice TWO TIMES, and will compete in the Finale. Antonia undercooks beans ONCE and goes home. 91% of the viewers are furious right now.
Antonia approaches the judges table to shake hands, but did you noticed that she dissed Gail and her Boobies? What was up with that?!? She returns to Stephanie and Richard who are visibly shaken. Antonia hugs them and says goodbye.
And then it happened. I was looking at the timer on my cable box, and noticed that we still had a couple of minutes – and they hadn’t gone to the previews for next week’s episode. Lisa had two minutes to solidify her stank, and did she ever deliver.
She sits down with Richard and Stephanie, who are upset about Antonia’s departure and obviously exhausted from the challenge. Lisa looks at them both and then says:
“I know you’re upset that Antonia went home, but congratulations would have been a little bit nice”.
Why can’t Dale be in that room right now?!? He would have freaked out on that turd-faced BEEEE-YOOOTCH. Stephanie gives her a lame “congratulations”, and Richard – in an off-camera interview – gives us an unusually bitter reply:
“You won the fucking bronze medal – congratulations”.
Lisa is a STANK BITCH - or did I mention that already?
Next week: Stephanie and Richard butcher Lisa just like Wilbur… I can DREAM, can’t I? Till then bitches!!!
She sits down with Richard and Stephanie, who are upset about Antonia’s departure and obviously exhausted from the challenge. Lisa looks at them both and then says:
“I know you’re upset that Antonia went home, but congratulations would have been a little bit nice”.
Why can’t Dale be in that room right now?!? He would have freaked out on that turd-faced BEEEE-YOOOTCH. Stephanie gives her a lame “congratulations”, and Richard – in an off-camera interview – gives us an unusually bitter reply:
“You won the fucking bronze medal – congratulations”.
Lisa is a STANK BITCH - or did I mention that already?
Next week: Stephanie and Richard butcher Lisa just like Wilbur… I can DREAM, can’t I? Till then bitches!!!
ZOMG, I thought I was the only one who noticed how Gail got 'faced by Antonia... can't think of why, but perhaps a lil funbag envy?
ReplyDeleteYour blog = LOL funny!
I'm going to start out by saying......hahahahahahahaha
ReplyDeleteLisa is the DEVIL. How on God's green earth does this bitch make it to the final. I knew that one of the better chefs would get voted off. This bitch is horrible.
GREAT RECAP!
I laughed out loud on so many occassions....hahahahaaha
This is what brought tears to my eyes. You brought your A game.
My Laugh Out Loud Highlights:
It is David Dust’s “promised land”. Jews have Florida, I have Puerto Rico…
This time EVERYONE gives us “jazz hands” – like a culinary beachside version of “Fosse – El Musical”.
Lisa then brings her creations out, and I notice she walks like John Wayne with hemorrhoids.
She is about 4 keychains away from becoming a Lesbian Janitor.
That’s not what the gals at the Cubby Hole said last weekend, but whatever.
“Clean and Moist” – which is the motto of the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico.
Off camera, Wilo tells Stephanie that she will find her “prize” in his left pocket…
Personally, I would be passing around trays of rum shots to the Papis – trying to separate one from the herd.
Anywhoo – as is typical for this season, this is another “Top Caterer” challenge.
Nikki was raised a poor black child – but that’s another story.
Lesbian Lisa – who’s last name is Fernandes – remarks that she is Jewish (WTF??!!??) – and the fact that her mallet broke during the butchering process is a sign from God that he’s unhappy.
Stephanie is humiliated and feels trashy and used. The Papis will do that to ya honey.
Those Funbags can be thoughtful and serious if necessary.
Once again, GREAT JOB! I will be posting on my journal for everyone to come take a read.
David, you liar. You warned us that your recap wasn't going to be funny. It was HILARIOUS!!!
ReplyDeleteYou made me laugh out so many times!
"4 keychains away from becomin a Lesbian Janitor" HAHAAAHAHAAA!!!
Thank you so much David, you made my day:)
Puerto Rico – land of a million Papis
ReplyDeleteI think you should submit that to Puerto Rico for the tagline on their license plates.
Once again, you made me LOL with your recap.
THANK YOU for mentioning the 91% thing! ridic.
ReplyDeletealso - maybe people have discussed before but last night was the first time i noticed that lisa is ONLY 27 YEARS OLD!? WTF?! i'm sorry but she looks 47, at least.
PS. love the new blog, needs more pics!
The Price is Right - I thought (and mentioned) the exact same thing! I thought he'd win a stove or something.
ReplyDeleteWTF with Antonia being kicked out!?!?
Oh David we've been hanging out together too long. I was totally thinking The Price is Right too when that car rolled in. Like I said I'm now numb to Lisa. Just numb.
ReplyDeleteCheck out my recap and my night at he A-list awards with Kathy Griffin! I got to see Tom do a Quick Fire!
Gail was working her boobies last night! I give her major props for that dress!
ReplyDeleteOk, so freaking Lisa makes it into the finale, famous dead chefs are spinning in their graves and I can't believe I have to watch her AGAIN next week.
With any luck, she'll eff more stuff up and we can continue to pick her apart here. :-D Of course, with how strange events have turned, with her sticking around, who can really say for sure?
I can't believe it. I watched it, and still can't believe it. I think I might be done with this show, since I no longer really believe in the judges. There is no way in hell Lesbi-Lisa can still be there except to irk the audience. I now fully expect her to outlast the non-winner, just so the judges can prove they don't listen to the audience. I suspect it will be Richard will be eliminated, and Steff will be the winner. This episode truly pissed me off, and I am still angry 24 hours later. If we needed to have an obnoxious one still around, why not Dale? He was a far better cook, and I was amused the way he kept grabbing his minute manhood.
ReplyDeleteOh honey, if I could I'd send you a one way ticket to Puerto Rico for you to live out your fantasy life. However, I'm broke and can't do that. Sorrys luv!
ReplyDeleteCan I say I was TOTALLY routing for Antonia to take the Top Chef title? I'm SO freakin' disappointed that that slimebitchlesbian Lisa is still in the running! Ergh! Now I have to resort to Richard (the obvious winner) to put that biatch in her place.
I bet Lisa wins.
ReplyDeleteYou made a silk purse out of a sow's ear! You've brilliantly made the recap better than the show. But that last two minutes was worth it. Stephanie, Richard, and 91% of us do not congratulate Moana Lisa and the way she walks.
ReplyDeleteI literally laughed out loud about the dead pig/live pig part!
Well done, Ms Fabulous! xoxoxox
Good thing I have a private office at work because I was cackling at your wicked post. And your funbag-worshipping auxiliary blog. You're just all shades of wrong, don'tcha know? :)
ReplyDeletexoxoxo
hahahaha! We just watched it on Tivo last night and we were pissed too. Huz said, "she just won't die!"
ReplyDeleteLike a cockroach.
"Congratulations for fooling the judges with your stanky, double chinned, greasy do-ragged, grumpy pants, crabby assed attitude for umpteen weeks" would have been an appropriate reply. I CAN NOT believe she is in the final, over Dale, Antonia, even Spike and his crazy hats.
ReplyDeleteGirlfriend....you outdid yourself on this one!!!! This was THE best re-cap in HISTORY!!!
ReplyDeleteand here's why:
1. Straight guys ARE afraid to dance..I know this for a fact..unless, of course, your name is Justin timberlake, then you can get your groove on....and if you CAN"T dance, you can't do nothin else right either! I know this for a fact...I'm heterosexual.
2. Lisa IS a stank bitch!!! "Happy Hoggin!"
3. I thinking someone has them a little crush on Baby face dale.....just a little observation, that's all....and he's not evven a Papi!! Traitor!!
4. I have a little crush on chef tom...I think he's hot...and I love a bald headed man...mmmmmmm
5. Stephanie doesn't even NEED makeup from rite Aid...she's cute enough without it...and Wilo didn't seem to mind one bit....
6 and finally...LISA IS A STANK BITCH!!! How...HOW can this "woman" bein the final??!!! Have the judges lost their minds in Gail's boobies???? her lip gloss is FIERCE by the way!..LISA?? FINALS???THE BRONZE MEDAL WINNER???? I do not get it.
and Antonia's kid sounds a bit like Lisa to me..."Don't come home if you don't win..." hey, she's used to being alone, so she'll be fine.
Love you Tranny!!! I will be sad when the show is over next week, cuz you rock at this crap!!! Hey, what about "So You Think You CAn Dance."??????? Lots of good looking gay boys on that show!!!
xoxoxox
No shots needed doll! Luis is a very friendly Puerto Rican!
ReplyDeleteoh, also: watched the show again last night ~_~ and apparently my boy Blais is gonna go off the deep-end @ judging... yeah! can't wait!
ReplyDeleteand hey, my sis brought up a good point: what about the reunion show? not that i will miss it, but i don't want to be tricked into watching next week if its just gonna be some bullshiz...
"Lisa then brings her creations out, and I notice she walks like John Wayne with hemorrhoids. She is about 4 keychains away from becoming a Lesbian Janitor."
ReplyDeleteI just about died laughing. Thank you!
Jeez, David. It's like you wrote this days after having a close encounter with Jack Mackenroth! Under/oversexed much? ; )
ReplyDeleteStay here for the sex, then slide on over for a recap fraught with Nine Inch Nails references.
"In Puerto Rico, it’s just not a party without a pig”
ReplyDeleteThat is SO close to Dan's mantra, "It's not a party without a pig. I'm here, let's go!" (FYI, Dan knows I say that with love.)
What an excellent summary. I'm glad Gail's "Boobies" got some well deserved mentions in your blog. This was a cool episode to watch because the Quickfire actually took place at a restaurant I dined at with Luis and Dan last fall. Seeing it brought back great memories.
Lisa. BLEH!!
You were wrong in your Star Trek post - funny recap!! I was so disappointed that smelly Lisa will be around for the finale.
ReplyDeleteNow even more jealous than the other day since Jack(!!) commented on your blog!
Bravo! Bitch you had me rolling and having to take giggle breaks here at work. God I love you!
ReplyDeleteI was totally thrown by both picks, I thought Steph had the big Papi in her pocket (oops I mean his pocket) and when they sent Antonia packing I had to go take the dog for a walk, my dog not that Bitch Skank Lisa. UGH!
And thanks for the "Step it up and Tom Colicchio Dance" remark, what it is with straight guys and Dancing kryptonite? And did you catch the finale last night? The straight Candian wins, who would have known?
Once again, Bravo!
You are missed on MG...sigh.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow...Richard is totally "that guy," but I still adore him.
ADORE. HIM.
Verry funnysad. I'm baffled at Lisa stil being there, she should have gone home at least 8 challenges ago.
ReplyDeleteHey, Chris! Glad you're reading David's recaps.
ReplyDeleteI've danced with straight men who liked to dance and were good at it, and I'm not being euphemistic here this time. But then it was mostly in the 60's through the 80's and we'd all been drinking quite a bit. Sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll, you know, but we were activists, too. I didn't branch out into the drugs because I don't like to smoke (tried it and inhaled) but mostly drank scotch and bourbon but not together. I quit all that and just drink some wine now and then. TMI?
We early Boomers danced.
Yes, Joy, we boomers do! I have danced with some str8 men [not in any kind of euphemistic way, either] , but it has been a while, and there was drugs and/or alcohol involved. I was also younger, thinner, and getting laid on a regular basis, so indeed, things have changed.
ReplyDelete"She is about 4 keychains away from becoming a Lesbian Janitor."
ReplyDeletePlease, can we just start calling her the Lesbian Janitor? It's so, so perfect. Please?
"Lisa is a stank bitch" is wittier than any title I could've come up with. I'm kind of hurting after this episode. I was so sure I wouldn't have to see The Chin again after this week...
Once again you have proven yourself as the master of all bloggers.
ReplyDeleteFor me, the Tom "Step it up and Dance" Colicchio comment had me crying I was laughing so hard.
This episode was so worth every boring minute for the last few moments. WOW! I loved Richard's comment.
Kayce - I will have a future post about ANTONIA's funbags.
ReplyDeleteMike - Thanks for the recap of my recap. As always - it is a delight for me to see what you lol'd at. XOXO
Gyn - I'm like Richard: "Underpromise and overdeliver". :) Sometimes it works, other times it doesn't.
Timmy - I can't decide if I like "Land of a million Papis" or "Clean and Moist" better...
Lisa - at 91% - has worse numbers than George W. Bush. THAT's some stank!
John - I did a whole Project Runway recap once as one big Price Is Right episode. Complete with "Barker's Beauties": Dian, Janice, and the lovely Holly!
Kwana - I am SO JEALOUS that you got to go to the A-List Awards! Next time, can I be your date?!? XO
ReplyDeleteInger - I wouldn't be surprised if Lisa wins it all at this point. :(
Howard - I would take Dale and his teeny, tiny, little wee balls ANY day.
Jen - Thanks dear. One day I will make it to "the promised land".
Joy - Thanks darling. Some of those dead pigs had better personalities than the live ones! XO
Kathy aka The Minx - your recap was also top-notch, my darling!
ReplyDeleteVictoria - Lisa, the Lesbian Janitor Cockroach. Ugh!
Frances - you are right, on ALL counts.
Dearest TrannyBeth - Lisa IS a stank bitch. And yes, I was lovin' on Dale's non-papi ass. Although Filipinos have a lot of Spanish "in them", ahem, so to speak. Can you tell I haven't had sex in FOREVER!?! Happy Hoggin'!
To Main BEEYOTCH Dan - don't think I won't try it!!!
Kayce - I thought the same thing last night: No Reunion Show?!?
ReplyDeleteTopChefFanGirl - I'm glad I gave you a chuckle.
Kyle: UNDERSEXED. Definitely UNDERsexed!!!!
Jimbo: Although Dan and I haven't met face-to-face yet, I have the DISTINCT feeling that he can get a party started.
Margo: Again, under-promise - overdeliver! BTW - Jack really is pretty adorable.
Psychomom - Thank you dear. I don't know WHAT it is with straight boys and dancing. As far as Shut up and Dance goes, I always assumed Cody was gay, but I guess I was wrong...
Cait - Richard IS "that guy" - but he also seems like a pretty good guy.
Chris - Welcome!
Joy - it is NEVER TMI with you, my dear! Keep dancing (and drinking!).XOXOXOXO
Howard - My experiences exactly. Those were the good old days!
Kit - "Lisa Is A Stank Bitch" was the best I could do, but I think it captured the moment pretty well...
Fiberartist - Thanks dear. Yeah, the last 2 minutes was worth the price of admission.
Since I totally don't have time to read all of the comments (scans them anyway...), I have to say that I really got a kick out of this recap.
ReplyDeleteI have known a few straight men who are willing to dance, but it was usually at the prom where I was queen of the dance floor because I had rhythm (but no real dance moves), or at Marcon where the straight guys are in costume and most of them are already drunk by the time they get there.
What the hell is the deal with them keeping Lisa? Why do they have to keep one and not the other? Send the bitch home! And her poor-sport attitude at the end really got me going. I love how she's so confident that she's going to win (courtesy of the preview), but if she does that will spell the end of Top Chef. They should judge contestants the way they give out Oscars; you say it's for their most recent outing, but it's really for their whole body of work. If they had done that, Antonia would still be around (and even I knew they were going to send her home, and I skipped out on the elimination challenge).
And Gail's boobs are very nice. I think mine are on par with hers, but until I lose weight, I'm not posting any pictures for public scrutiny. That new blog almost gave me boob envy. Almost ;-)
Stay fly!
I forgot to mention my favorite line:
ReplyDelete"Nikki was raised a poor black child"
I will always, always find that funny. I laughed until I almost cried on that one (it eases the pain of knowing that Lisa made it to the end).
No kidding, Howard. Let's sing together now .... "Mem'ries,
ReplyDeleteLight the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were." (sigh)
I just found your blog yesterday. Your TC and PR recaps are killing me! Genius, pure genius.
ReplyDeleteOh heavens! What a great recap!
ReplyDeleteI was so pissed about the show, that it took me awhile to get back and read your recap, that and we had a lot of flooding over the weekend here, but reading you was exactly what I needed! I needed the laugh and you provided it in spades!
Thanks! You are the most awesome blogger on the planet!
www.atammmommy.wordpress.com
Oh, man, Lisa! I too was pretty surprised when she suddenly announced she was Jewish (although the day before that she was wearing a Kosher t-shirt).
ReplyDeleteI guess I thought it was fair when Antonia got eliminated, but then that was so ridiculous when she got all offended that Stephanie and Richard didn't congratulate her on finishing next to last. I liked how even after she confronted them about it Steph and Richard didn't say anything.
And Dale totally did look cuter in PR good call.
Great recap! I'm laughing so hard, I'm getting a stitch in my side. "Jazz hands". Bwahahahah!
ReplyDeleteThat Lisa has made it into the top 3 is just tragic. I still can't believe it happened. Fortunately, I don't think there's any way she can win. Richard and Steph are too strong. If she does win, I'm hanging up my TC oven mitts for good!