Thursday, June 17, 2010

Top Chef D.C. Recap - "Hell To The Chef"


As always during a reality show season premiere, we must learn about a bunch of people in a short amount of time. And last night's Top Chef Washington D.C. premiere was no exception. Some people were highlighted extensively, while others were barely mentioned. So I might not talk about everyone in this first recap, just the most annoying, sexy, talented, and freakiest biatches of the bunch.

Cheftestants begin arriving at a rooftop space (what is it with Bravo and rooftops??) at the Smithsonian Institute Newseum. We meet Tracey, a big girl from Atlanta who I instantly fall in love with. Yay Team Big Girl from Atlanta!

We meet Kenny, who is from Colorado and who describes his confidence level at a "10" (on a scale from 1 to 10). We also meet bald Alex, who was born in Russia.

People meet, greet and mingle, while the producers show us a mix of footage from the rooftop as well as clips from Cheftestant audition tapes. One standout of this segment is Arnold Myint who is wearing a sassy scarf and danced in his audition video (maybe the tape was supposed to be sent to So You Think You Can Dance?). Arnold declares that before he arrived for filming, he got a facial (no comment) and hired a Wardrobe Stylist. If his stylist was responsible for that scarf then he/she needs to be fired immediately.

Then we meet Kevin Sbraga (below) who I will refer to from now on as "My Kevin", or "Big Daddy", or "Big Poppa" or "IKnowYouRMarriedButICouldMakeYouHappy". This man is right up my alley (pun definitely intended).



I don't know much about Kevin, because while he was on the television I was blinded by all the Big Daddyness in front of me. But I think he said he's from Jersey. I won't hold that against you, Papi.

We also meet a handsome gentleman named Angelo Sosa (below)...


Those of you who know would expect me to be head over high-heels in love with Angelo, but as soon as he's on camera Angelo name-drops famous Chefs and lists the fabulous exotic places he's visited. I bet he's never even been to the Bronx.  Pfft.

And, finally, we meet a curious-looking weirdo named John Somerville (below) who has Sideshow Bob hair (only nappier) and talks like Grover from Sesame Street. John remarks that he feels like a "stranger in a strange land". I don't know how strange the land is, but John seems like a straight-up freak.


Padma (whose rack is exquisite after giving birth) and Tom Colicchio walk onto the roof (a la Tim and Heidi) and greet the Cheftestants. They immediately announce the Quickfire.


Quickfire Challenge:

The Cheftestant's basic skills and speed will be tested in the Mise En Place challenge. There will be four rounds, with a number of the slowest chefs getting eliminated after each round.

Rounds:

1. Peel Potatoes
2. Finely Chop Onions
3. Massacre Some Chickens
4. Cook That Shizz

The winner recieves $20,000 from some sponsor that isn't the Glad Family of Products - which gives me a case of the sads. But, like my Mama told me - don't get mad, get Glad.  And yes, I believe I used that same line in a recap last season - get over it.

The competition begins with potato-peeling, and Kenny from Colorado KILLS the competition - which makes Fancy Cheftestant Angelo Sosa take notice. Arnold and his Big Gay Scarf is among the first group of chefs eliminated.

Round two - chopping onions (AKA "The Crying Game"). Kenny smokes those slow biatches AGAIN, and I'm starting to think I might have picked the wrong Big Daddy.

Round three - you guessed it, Kenny wins. This man is a maniac with a knife. Wait, I think I said that wrong...

This leaves Kenny, Been-Around-The-World-And-I-I-I Angelo, My Kevin, and Tim - who is a local chef from Washington D.C. They must use all the stuff they just hacked up to create a dish.

Kenny, as expected, stays cool-as-a-cucumber, while Angelo creates some kind of pretentious dish with all kinds of fancy ingredients. I don't know what My Kevin creates, but he mentions that he has a daughter - who I plan on treating like my own once Kevin and I get gaymarried in one of those heathen states. Yeah, I realize Kevin is straight and also has a wife, but I've never let that get in my way before. And I have the Orders of Protection to prove it.

Padma-And-Her-Boobies (I can't believe I just wrote that) and Tom walk around, nibble and judge. Tom announces that Tim and My Kevin are the bottom two, while already-archrivals Kenny and Angelo are the top two. Angelo wins the Quickfire and the $20,000 - much to my (and Kenny's) dismay.


Elimination Challenge:

The first Elimination Challenge is a pretty basic one: Create a dish which respresents where you're from. The Cheftestants will cater a fancy D.C. Cherry Blossom party, and will be put into four groups.

Within each group, the judges will pick a top person and a bottom person. The Four Tops will sing Sugar Pie Honey Bunch be eligible to win the challenge, and one of the four bitter bottoms will be sent home. True Fact: bitter bottoms are often sent home in shame. And I have the Orders of Protection to prove it.

The four people who competed in the final leg of the Quickfire get to choose the people they will compete against. I'm not going to list their names 'cause I still don't know who half these people are (especially all the nondescript white girls).

The next morning the Cheftestants do their first "Everybody-Crowd-The-Butcher-Counter" clustershop at Whole Foods. When that is over, they all head to the Top Chef Kitchen.

As always, many of the Cheftestants oooh and aaah over the fancy new kitchen stocked with state-of-the-art appliances (but no Glad products, dammit). Gay Arnold, who brings a flower with him to the kitchen (another suggestion from the Stylist?) is impressed with all the "fancy tools", which he CLAIMS not to have back home in Tennessee. Someone check his bottom dresser-drawer to see if that's true or not.

The Cheftestants begin preparing their dishes. We find out that Mr. Fancypants Angelo Sosa is from the rough-and-tumble streets of Connecticut. East Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide!!!! Angelo also states that he is like an Orchestra Conductor with flavors, he "can tell you when it's gonna hit your mouth". Which, in my world, is simply called "being polite".

Freaky John gives us some weird speech about how "maple really flows through the trees of Michigan". I think it's more like "Some good weed flows through the lungs of John". Dreadlocks has decided to do a dreaded, risky dessert. Cue Dramatic Chipmunk ... Dun dun DUN!!!

 

Some white girl is doing a Chicken Liver Mousse, but is trying to do it without butter or fat. Cue the rodent again (this time just a pic) ... Dun dun DUN!!!



Time is up in the Top Chef Kitchen, and everyone moves to the event venue. Soon after setting up, the Boobie Brigade/Judges arrive. And I am shocked to report that two of my favorite things on the face of this earth - Gail Simmons boobies - have been outshined. By PADMA. Exibit A ...


I am a little dismayed by this development, but I gotta say - that's one helluva set of Double-Whammies.

The judges visit the Cheftestants, eat and judge. When they approach Sideshow John, both Padma and Gail seem to back up a step when he opens his mouth, revealing his Silence of the Lambs "It rubs the lotion on its skin" voice. Furthermore, the judges don't seem too impressed with John's maple dessert - saying they can't even taste the maple.

The event concludes and the Cheftestants gather in the "No-Longer-Glad Storage Room of Generic Empty Cardboard Boxes". Padma enters and calls My Kevin, Russian Alex, Kenny and Angelo. They are the top four.

After discussions with all four of the top Cheftestants, Angelo (straight from the mean streets of Greenwich, CT - across from Neiman Marcus) is announced as the winner. 

The bottom four are called in. They are: someone named Stephen, Sideshow John, White-Girl-with-the-low-fat-pâté, and D.C. Timothy - who is shocked and PISSED to be in the bottom.

The judges discuss with the bottom four, the highlight (for me) being the part when they ask Sideshow John why he used pre-made pastry dough as one of the ingredients in his dessert. John's reply? "Uhhhhh ... I guess I was just being stupid". John may be weird, but that was probably the most honest answer to ever come out of someone's mouth at Judges Table EVER.

But, as we all know, honesty is NEVER the best policy (don't listen to your Grandma's lies), and John is told to pack his knives, his nappy dreadlocks, and that serial-killer voice and hit the road.


27 comments:

theminx said...

"Been-Around-The-World-And-I-I-I" I loved that song! And indeed, chopping onions is "The Crying Game."

Glad to see you back in the TC recapping game, although I'm always happy to post mine here - it's the only way I get comments.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Anonymous said...

Hey John, James Beard called and they want their 2009 nomination back!

Did you notice the two men in suits holding hands as they entered the hall? I'm so glad they left that in.

I think this batch is half as talented as the Las Vegas group.

the dogs' mother said...

We also noticed the two guys, ran it back to make sure that is was what we saw. Subtle Bravo, subtle.
Also made a comment about Padma's boobies and what would David say! The Engineer wonders why *he* never gets to comment on boobies but David does.
Daughter and I were relieved to see Sideshow John to pack his knives (though someone ought to make sure they stay packed?).
And stellar job! (How's your breathing?)

MJ said...

Luved the recap...you're the best!
xoxoxo

mrs.missalaineus said...

at first they said sideshow john was from plymouth which is a hippy dippy suburb of the d, they they said he was straight up from the d. either way i was like straight up ashamed to have possibly shared a zip code prefix with that moron. there have got to be way better chefs from here....

xxalainaxx

David Dust said...

Minx - I can't wait to read your recap when I get home (and catch my friggin' breath!).

Sean - Yes, I indeed noticed to two guys walking up the steps holding hands. I just hope they aren't employed by a conservative Republican Senator or something. You never know in D.C.

Froggy - I was GOBSMACKED (tee-hee) by Padma's luscious bosom. And if the Engineer want to talk boobies, he'll have to join our team. And I know that ain't happening!

MJ - Right back atcha, my Darling.

Miss A - Seriously, sideshow John was downright bizarre.

Thanks for your comments!!!

XOXOXOXOXO

Lee said...

"Angelo also states that he is like an Orchestra Conductor with flavors, he 'can tell you when it's gonna hit your mouth'. Which, in my world, is simply called 'being polite'."

ROFLMAO!!

That was a great recap. And I can watch dramatic chipmunk (I thought it was a hamster?) all day. :)

Joy said...

How wonderful to read your recaps again! Wonderful stuff! Sideshow John reminded me just a bit of Hootie-Hoo Carla. I noticed Padma's remarkable boobies and her larger tummy. I even googled to see if she might be pregnant again.

I think it's going to be fun this season. I like Kenny but not so much Tracey who makes snap judgments, much like I do, but I'm right. LOL

mikeinbama said...

I'm so out of the loop with once was my favorite reality tv show. I didn't know it was back. I'm really hating my life right now.

Wonder Man said...

I also thought Kevin was hot

David Dust said...

Lee - I've seen it called "Dramatic Prairie Dog", but never hamster. But who cares, like you, I could watch it on a continuous loop.

Joy - I think Mr. Dreadlocks made Hootie Hoo Carla seem like the most normal, down-to-earth person on the planet. He was scary.

Mike - Sorry life is a bit overwhelming these days. It is for me too. I've been thinking about you and B a lot. I hope you're both doing OK.

Wonderman - Hands off My Kevin!!!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Billy in Big D said...

Loved your recap. You had me cracking up. Bitter bottoms and being polite is all part of the game. I really liked the line about the pastry dough being the vessel to bring the mousse closer to our mouth. Creeeeeeeeepo! And I think Kenny is going to give Kevin a run for being the Daddy! Poor Arnold! I have a feeling he won't be around long but I am sure will give you plenty to make fun of....love the check the bottom drawer part...ROFLMFAO!!!! Dedicated reader first time commenting....Please continue with your recaps this season..I agree though, this cast doesn't seem half as good as the last season. Cheers!

Billy in Big D said...

BTW, it has been the case that whoever wins the first challenge wins the whole shebang....just sayin...

David Dust said...

Dearest Billy -

I am always thrilled when a longtime reader finally leaves a comment! Thank you very much for the kind words.

I will do my best to recap as many episodes as possible this season.

XOXOXOXOXO

Tivo Mom said...

Great recap! Just watched and I was actually glad to see nappy hair go. He gave me the heeby jeebies...Not liking Angelo but explain this; Stefan was an arrogant prick but we loved him, why is this?

David Dust said...

Tivo Mom - I think we loved Stefan for two reasons...

1. He didn't take himself so seriously and I always got the sense that he was basically a decent guy. Later, when I actually got to talk to him on the phone, I confirmed that he was/is indeed a nice guy.

2. Stefan loved to say the word "Cock"!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

crazy4custer said...

I'm so glad you're back to recapping Chef -- reading your recaps is often better than watching the show. But I digress . . . when I first saw dreadlock John I thought for sure he was Carla's crazy(ier) older brother or straight from the attic hidden cousin. For that reason alone I thought he'd be around for at least two episodes.

Capitol to Capital said...

The rooftop was at the Newseum, which actually is NOT a Smithsonian institution. You can tell by the double digit price tag! I like your recap.

Anonymous said...

Oh, David! You're back!
The 'being polite' comment had me cracking up. And the word "clustershop." I linked to this in my Work of Art review (which includes a caulk joke) - w/a short comment on TC at the bottom, but I cannot compare to you. Not even close!

MCWolfe said...

David, bless you for recapping again. You are absolutely the best (with apologies to the Minx, who is also wonderful, but you just have that special something).

Hope you're feeling better.

David Dust said...

Thanks everybody for the encouragement. When I get lots of comments like this, it makes me look forward to recapping next week.

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Anonymous said...

Glad to be back in the fold with the first reap of the new season delightful as always. Love your nicknames
Love you as always and always will.

xoxo Charlie

kayce. said...

1: UM, HELLO: ERIC RIPERT IS THE NEW JUDGE!!! not only did we get rid of god-awful toby, but we ADDED a mega-hottie sessy frenchman! double-wins should always get a mention, david, LOL.

2: i am usually fully on Team Big Girl From Atlanta (whether i like it or not), but this chick and her resto are a joke in ATL. despite her funny quips, she'll be gone in no time. i'd've liked to have someone stronger repping my city, but it's whatever.

3: your kevin, kenny, and angelo were the strongest for me. kenny and the brunoise onion almost made me stand up and cheer: 10 cups is no fucking joke!!! especially when you have someone judging size/shape when you're done. perfectly fine-dicing just one onion takes me like 5 minutes and i had to do that shit everyday at the ritz, LOL. and although i'm generally against name-dropping braggarts, i think it was strategic for angelo... he was talking to tim at the time, who has the biggest ego combined w/ the smallest talent: it put tim in his place and i loved every second.

4: just realizing how gay the band name "the four tops" is...

5: i totally called, from the first seconds he was on tv, that tim was the type to put a sprig of rosemary nonsensically on a finished plate. i can't fully explain how tacky and blah this is... a sprig of rosemary is equivalent to bunch of parsley on the side. yuck.

6: can you BELIEVE the producers threatened padma if she didn't lose weight?!? bitch looks down right hot w/ the extra weight, and the chichis are to die... i like her far better like this, but i'm sure a lot of other people will complain, so next season, we'll be back to skinny padma.

David Dust said...

Darling Kayce -

Oh.No.You.Di-int?!?!!

Guuuuuurrrrrrlllllll, did you start off a comment with "Um"??

:)

BTW - I have a lot less oxygen flowing to my brain these days (seriously), so I was lucky just to be able to watch and get something written. Besides, I have all season to talk about Chef Ripert (who doesn't do a thing for me). But I realize that an Eric Ripert FART is a better judge than Toby.

I was SOOOOOOOO waiting for you to read/comment - I'm always interested in your take on Top Chef - since you've done most of this shizz before. I almost texted you after I posted this.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

kayce. said...

yes, i did b/c i knew it would irk you, LMAO! :)~ and i figured chef e didn't do much for you, but i was expecting a jubilant Dance of Snark over toby's now-defunct reality tv career.

damn, you almost texted me?!? that's amazing! i know how you hate to text. xoxox! :)) i would've commented earlier, too ~ sorry ~ but i was waiting to actually watch the show. b/c it comes on so late (yes, that's uber late for me since school has me waking up before 5am), i have to catch it on OnDemand, and bravo was a lil slow on the uptake and didn't make it available until yesterday.

but, seeing your posted "top chef" recap the other day (along with T.Lo's "work of art" recap) motivated me to catch up ASAP.

SO GLAD you're feeling somewhat better ~ better enough to recap, anyway! <3

Cliff O'Neill said...

Damn! You so nailed it with the Buffalo Bill thing and that John The Gone!

Glad yer back, fella!

Limecrete said...

Oh, my God. Can't you just see him yelling "NEAR!!!" -- "FAR!!!" a hundred times and then passing out? Actually, I'd probably watch that.

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