America's Next Drag Superstar - Tyra Sanchez

When did she get those boobies?!?

Congratulations to Tyra Sanchez for winning Season 2 of RuPaul's Drag Race last night.  I thought Raven would win, but based on what we saw during the finale it's hard to disagree with the judge's decision.

Did you watch last night?  What did you think of the outcome?

Bad Blogger Bunny!!

Yes, I am allowing my meager social life to interfere with my blogging responsibilities.  Tonight I will be meeting one of my oldest and dearest friends - Miss Agnes Gooch (AKA Dennis) - who is in NYC on a business trip.  We are going to have some cocktails and catch up, so I won't be watching/recapping RuPaul's Drag Race this evening.

When I broke the news to RuPaul, THIS is the unhappy look she gave me ...

Ouch!

COMING SOON: RuPaul's Drag Race Recap

I watched RuPaul's Drag Race last night and took notes, but I need to watch it once more in order to write my recap.  So tonight I'll watch it again, take some more notes, and have a recap for you by tomorrow afternoon.

FYI: Comments have been turned "off" for this post - please save all your witty banter for tomorrow.

>P,B!

RuPaul's Drag Race Ep. 5 - "Dragged To The Altar"

Remember, if you don’t have access to RuPaul’s Drag Race via cable – you can watch all episodes at LogoTV.com.  Then come back here and enjoy my recap…

Last time on RuPaul’s Drag Race, the girls attempted celebrity impersonations.  Tatianna won with a killer Britney, and Sonique was sent home for her limp version of Lady Gaga.

It’s a new day in the workroom, where Tatianna is glad that the “negative” Sonique is gone – and for the fact that she has immunity this week.  RuPaul soon arrives to tell the girls about this week’s mini-challenge.

This week the girls will simply be gift-wrapping a plain white gift box.  However, this being RuPaul’s Drag Race, the dragtestants must “queenify” their boxes using wrapping paper as well as items from each other’s wardrobes.  The “Wrap Party” soon begins.

Tyra immediately has the extremely avant-garde idea of wrapping her box in GOLD WRAPPING PAPER.  Wait?!?  What’s that?!??  Gold wrapping paper on a gift box?!?!?  THAT HAS SIMPLY NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE!!!!  And so anytime anyone got anywhere near the gold paper, Tyra accused them of “copying her style”.  Tyra is the kind of Ho who would stand in line at McDonald’s and fuss at everyone ordering Big Macs – because SHE ordered a Big Mac and everyone else was “tryin’ to be me”.  Biatch, puh-leaze …

Ru comes in to inspect the ladies’ boxes, and decides that Raven’s dark birdie box is the winner.  Here is a visual representation…

After they finish, they open their boxes to find a “Wedding Invitation”.  The main challenge this week will require the girls to “marry” their male persona, and they must create a grooms outfit AND a wedding dress this week in order to do so.

A rack of wedding dresses is rolled in.  Raven gets to pick her dress first – and then she chooses the order in which the other girls pick.  Raven selects her buddy Morgan first, and Tatianna last.

RuPaul tells the dragtestants they can grab whatever they want at the “Fixin’s Bar”, and for a second I thought they were going to have to accessorize their wedding gowns with wilted lettuce and Barbeque Sauce.

After the girls violently grab their stuff, RuPaul introduces this week’s guest judge/mentor Mathu Andersen, the makeup artiste.  Mathu has seen pictures of all the girls, and gives them tips on their makeup.  After meeting with each person, Ru and Mathu leave the workroom.

It’s now time for the girls to dress up in their male personas for the “groom” portion of their wedding photographs.  I must say, seeing a bunch of drag queens acting clueless about how to look like men was pretty comical.  Of course Tyra drew facial hair on her face and immediately claimed that she INVENTED facial hair and anyone else who used facial hair was copying Tyra’s unique style.  I’ll say it again … Biatch PUH-LEAZE.

One-by-one they visit the wedding photographer.  The two notable pictures for me were Jessica Wild – who is CUTE as a boy …

And Pandora, who looked like a nervous Lance Corporal in the midst of a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell investigation…

Either that or the captain of the Gayest.Oceanliner.Ever.

Back in the workroom, most of the girls try to have a meaningful conversation regarding gay marriage, but Tyra effectively prevents that from happening with her “singing”.  Tyra "sings" with a pair of earphones on – either so she can ignore the other girls, or so she doesn’t have to hear the ear cancer-causing noises coming out of her own mouth.  Seriously, I’ve heard freshly-wounded Opossums make more pleasant sounds than whatever it was Tyra was doing.

Tatianna finally has enough and tries to get Tyra to plug up her horn, but Tyra ignores her because Tatianna didn’t "ask politely".  Also, Tyra invented politeness – so you better not try and copy it.

The next morning the girls prepare for the “bride” photo shoot and for the catwalk.  Jujubee, Pandora and Tatianna spend the morning talking smack about Tyra – who quickly finds out that no one will help her button up the back of her dress or anything else.  Then Tyra proceeds to HOT GLUE little appliqués ONTO HER BODY, all-the-while yelping in pain.  I couldn’t help but notice, however, that these “pain” noises were a lot less ear-shattering than her singing.  I would also bet that hot-gluing crap onto your body is something the other girls will NOT be copying.

It’s time for the runway show, and RuPaul makes her entrance and introduces the judges – Santino, Merle, Mathu and legendary House Music Diva Martha Wash.

The girls walk their wedding finery down the runway.  Sahara does a Swan Lake ballerina bride – complete with toe shoes and tutu.  Morgan’s dress is very “LaCroix, Sweetie” with its pouf, and Raven accessorized with little blue ribbons and matching blue pumps.  Tyra, THAT BIATCH, looked amazing – and even her glued-on crap looked good.

Time for the judging.  The full wedding portraits are unveiled – and the judges talk to the dragtestants.  Merle loved Pandora’s dress, saying she was having an “organza orgasm”.  Ru’s urgent response? “Can I get a napkin?!?”.

The judges LOVE Tyra’s sweetheart act, and they hate Tatianna’s look this week – saying she is lucky to have immunity.  They also don’t love Morgan’s pouf – and RuPaul mentions that Morgan’s white pumps are a sign of “a true hooker”.  Which is a good thing, I think.

We then come to the “Throw Drag Queens in Wedding Dresses Under the Bus” portion of our show, when RuPaul asks what is going on behind-the-scenes.  Tatianna immediately speaks up and mentions how stank Tyra is.  In response, Tyra mumbles some mushmouth mumbo-jumbo about them “testing” her.  Juju ends up telling it like it T-I-IZ, asking Tyra to “get yourself some manners so you don’t look so damn stupid”.   Unfortunately I think Tyra needs more than manners for that to happen.

The judges judge, and it’s time for the results.

Jujubee, Jessica and Tatianna (immunity) are safe.  Tyra, THAT BIATCH, is the winner.  Pandora and Raven are also safe – leaving Sahara and Morgan to lip synch for their lives.

The song this week is Martha Wash’s Carry On, which Ru mentions helped get her through her mother’s death from cancer.

The girls hit it, and from the beginning you know Sahara has got this in the (bridal) bag.  In fact, Ru has to throw her hand up in the air and testify a little during the performance.  And, as expected, Sahara will Carry On, and Morgan McMichaels is told to sashay away…

On next week’s RuPaul’s Drag Race – Henry Rollins!...

RuPaul's Drag Race Ep. 3 - El Pollo Loco vs. Big JokerBird

Last week on RuPaul’s Drag Race, the girls were asked to skank-it-up in a club and in the streets.  Sahara was the winner and received immunity, and Miss Nicole Paige Brooks was sent back to Atlanta for not bringing sexy back.  Or bringing sexy FRONT, for that matter.

This week, the Dragtestants enter the workspace which is set up with a long picnic table.  Morgan immediately states that “something is going in my mouth”.  I’m going to take the high road and assume she is referring to food, but I wouldn’t be surprised if when Morgan wakes up she looks in the mirror and recites “Something is going in my mouth today!”.  It is her personal mantra and life’s philosophy.

RuPaul arrives in his best good-ole-boy country duds, and tells the girls to “sit a spell” around the table.  They are having an eating contest, and Raven immediately makes stank comments about how the big-girl Mystique will win.

RuPaul tell the girls they will be playing a game called “Chicken or What?” [Note: this is NOT the “Chicken or What?” traditionally played at NAMBLA conventions]. Everyone is blindfolded, and they must taste three items and determine if the food they have been given is chicken or something else (“what”).  Yes, this is Fear Factor with false eyelashes and tucked peens.

Much to the dismay of the dragtestants, the three items they taste are all “whats” (bull balls, soy “chicken”, and frog’s legs).  The contest ends in a three-way tie, so Morgan, Mystique and Pandora will have a chow-off.  The first two to finish will be the winners.

Mystique is NOT about to lose this to a bunch of skinny girls, and she kills the competition.  Mystique looks like me at Arby's -  a whirlwind of mystery meat, chewing, and groans of satisfaction – all washed down with Diet Coke.  Natch.

It’s down to Pandora and Morgan for the other winning spot, and Morgan wins, even though she ralphs up cow brains at one point.  “Something is going in AND OUT of my mouth today!”…

The Dragtestants split into two teams – and winners Morgan and Mystique will be the team captains.  Ru explains that this week’s main challenge will be to film a CoUNTry commercial for “Disco Extra-Greasy Shortening”.  Let’s just hope they don’t take it in THIS direction…

FYI – that’s a REAL album cover from the gay 70’s.  I love my people.

The teams break down like this:

Team Mystique: Mystique, Jessica, Pandora, Jujubee, and Tatiana.

Team Morgan (“AKA “The Skinny Stank Ho’s): Morgan, Sahara, Raven, Sonique and Tyra.

The girls are given two scripts – one focused on chicken, and the other on fish.  The characters are the same, but the scripts are slightly different for each team.

The teams immediately determine who will play what.  There is the daughter, the aunt, Grandma, the baby, and the mascot of the brand - “Disco Critter”, which is a chicken.  I think.

Team captain Mystique assigns Jessica the role of Disco Critter, because of Jessica’s limited English and because the role doesn’t require interaction with the other performers.  Jessica just has to learn her lines, say them, and everything with be just chickeny  ducky.

However, Jessica soon learns that while she might not have to interact with the other queens, she still has a lot to say.  “Da Cheeken talk A LOT!”, she states (coincidentally, this is also a common complaint at NAMBLA conventions).  Then Jessica proceeds to recite her lines in a voice that could best be described as “Puerto Rican Tweety Bird meets Serial Killer by way of The Exorcist”.

RuPaul visits, and asks Team Morgan for an impromptu dialogue reading.  Morgan, Sahara, Raven, Sonique and Tyra seem to have their lines memorized and do well.  Over at Team Mystique, however, their “table-read” was one big hot Tranny EXTRA-CRISPY mess.

Ru tells everyone to gather around, and gives them some good news and some bad news.  The good news is that funny lady Kathy Najimy will be helping them film their commercials.  The bad news is that the teams must SWAP scripts – and learn a new set of lines.  “That’s showbiz”, RuPaul explains.

After learning their new lines, it’s time for the commercial taping.  First up is Team Mystique.  The opening monologue is delivered by the “Disco Critter”, so Jessica Wild prepares to do her thing.  As she gets into character, Jessica says that “I’m going to feel like a ‘Pollo’”.  Then “El Pollo Loco” proceeds to deliver her lines.  Her accent is so thick that Kathy Najimy thinks Jessica is saying “Home-fried MALE” as opposed to “Home-fried MEAL”.  Kathy whispers to RuPaul that she thought Jessica “was going to fry up a BOY!”.  Again, people are confusing drag with NAMBLA.

Kathy is a tough director, and keeps yelling “CUT!” to give advice.  She gets particularly upset with Mystique, who doesn’t seem to take direction well.  Perhaps Mystique has a touch of indigestion from the fried food buffet she was required to devour earlier in the day.  Did ya ever think of THAT, madam director!?

It’s time for Team Morgan to tape their commercial, and the first person we see is Raven portraying the “Disco Critter”.  I never thought a chicken could be quite so creepy…

Kathy keeps reminding Raven that this ain’t Sophie’s Choice and Raven ain’t Meryl Streep.  She is a drag queen in a chicken suit doing a fake commercial on a reality show on Logo.  Savor the glamour...

Miss Najimy loves Tyra (playing the baby with a deep voice), but she has some issues with raunchy Morgan.  Question: since when is putting shortening in your crotch considered “crude”?  But maybe they were saying “lube”, my notes aren’t clear…

Anywhore, they finish the tapings, cocktails are had, and RuPaul tells everyone to bring their finest country fashions tomorrow to the runway – because none other than Miss Tanya Tucker will be a guest judge.  Upon hearing this, Morgan gets excited because Tanya’s “fashion is fierce”.  Really?...

It’s Runway Day, and the girls put on their country finest, while RuPaul makes her grand entrance.  RuPaul shows Miss Tucker and the other girls how “Chicken Couture” is supposed to be done…

It’s like Big Bird and Pink had a baby, by way of surrogate mother Diana Ross.

Gentlemen, start your engines.  And the show begins.

The thing that stood out most on the runway was the fact that Mystique did NOT dress “country”.  Everyone else was giving us “down-on-the-farm” realness, yet Mystique (below right) gave us “Happy Hour at Applebees”.

The commercials are shown, and the Disco Critter characters are the ones who are most different.  It was definitely El Pollo Loco vs. Big Jokerbird.

The judges discuss with the Dragtestants.  Jessica said she loved her character, because “I love dey MOPPETS!”.  I’m assuming she meant “Muppets”, but I’m not as familiar with Puerto Rican chicken drag as I should be.

The judges ask Mystique why she didn’t dress “country” – to which Mystique replied she was doing “mall-wear country” (AKA “Applebees in Alabama").  Translation:  “I didn’t bring any denim and Lady Stetson gives me hives”.

Finally, the judges loved Tyra’s runway show (she gave us three different looks) and they liked her portrayal of Babyface Finster during the commercial…

The judges deliberate, while the girls go backstage to chug Absolute and hate on the fat girl  each other.

Time for the results.  Sonique, Juju, Morgan, Tatianna, and Sahara were already announced to be safe.

Pandora and Jessica are also safe – and Tyra is the winner.  She will have immunity next week.

This leaves Raven and Mystique to lip synch for their lives to a Wynonna Judd tune.  It is obvious that Raven is the better performer and will remain – and Mystique is told to sashay away.

But before Mystique could sashay ALL THE WAY away, she gave us one last taste of her thunder…

Proving, once again, that big girls can still drop it like it's hot ... even when it's heavy.

RuPaul's Drag Race Ep. 2 - "Turning Ladies Into Tramps

On last week’s RuPaul’s Drag Race, it was “curtains” for Miss Shangela – while Morgan took home the win and immunity.

On this week’s show, morning washes over smoggy Los Angeles - and the Dragtestants wash yesterday’s mascara off their faces.   They soon head to the workroom, where they receive SheMail from RuPaul.  Ru gives them the “Drag-u-weather Forecast” and tells the girls that someone is going to “make it rain” today.  Batten down the hatches, biatches.

Boy Ru enters and tells the lovely ladies that they will “street walk a mile in my shoes” and “turn a lady into a tramp” for their mini-challenge.  The lady?  Miniature RuPaul Supermodel dolls – which the gorgeous Pit Crew brings in…

The girls have 20 minutes to take the Ru dolls and turn them into the Tranny Hooker of the century.  Jujubee and Tyra immediately tackle the tough issues – like hooker heels vs. hooker boots, and whether or not the footwear should match the bag.  Mystique, the big girl, is forced to work alone – and she creates a hooker doll with a convenient “rear entrance”.  Finally, Nicole Paige Brooks reveals that she, like Tyra, has a son back home.  I’m starting to think that these drag queens get more action with women than most straight guys – but then I found out that the boy isn’t Nicole’s biological son.

After the mini-makeovers, each team reveals their looks.  And the winner is Pandora and Sahara with “Shafreeforal”…

Poor ‘ShaFree’ (that’s what the other girls on the corner call her) had a rough night and has lost her shoe, at least one tooth, and what little dignity she had left.  Girl, I HAVE BEEN THERE … and then woke up in a church parking lot!  After church had started.  Foreals.

RuPaul then reveals this week’s main challenge.  The girls will be split into two teams and will be competing as burlesque dancers.  Pandora and Sahara get to be Captains and pick their teams, since they won the mini-challenge.

Team Pandora: Morgan, Sonique, Raven, Tatiana and Nicole Paige Brooks.  AKA “The Skinny Cute Girls”.

Team Sahara: Jessica, Jujubee, Tyra, and Mystique.  AKA “Team Look What the (Pussy)Cat Dragged In”.

In addition to pole dancing, the Dragtestants will have to choreograph a group routine and create their own costumes.  The girls grab-and-growl at the available costume fabric, and the bitchery begins.

Over at Team Not-So-Cute, Tyra immediately becomes a pain in the ass.  Tyra is upset that she isn’t with the pretty girls, so she decides to complain about EVERYTHING - using her annoying mush-mouth monotone voice.  Team captain Sahara refers to her as “Satan’s Baby”.

They head over to the club for a pole-dancing lesson.  The two (real) women dancers are SERVING it on a platter, although none of the Dragtestants want any of it.  Those (real) girls might as well be selling ham sandwiches on the streets of Tel Aviv during Yom Kippur – nobody wants what they are selling, no matter how delicious.

After their demonstration, the instructors ask for volunteers, and immediately big Mystique steps onstage.  That girl is NOT afraid to shake what her Momma gave her – that’s for sure.  And her Momma gave her A LOT.

           

When Nicole Paige Brooks gets onstage we see why skinny women shouldn’t pole dance.  Nicole is so thin she makes Rachel Zoe look like Rachael Rae.  And Nicole’s dancing is about as sexy as watching a skeleton have an epileptic seizure.  Even Nicole’s teammates roll their eyes – and Raven remarks that Nicole “CANNOT bring the sexy back”.  Ever.

But at least Nicole tried.  Tyra Sanchez, on the other hand, keeps her arms folded and refuses to get onstage.  I hope that when Satan’s Baby is sent home, RuPaul does it by quoting the REAL Tyra Banks in her signature freak-out speech.

"I was rooting for you!  We were all rooting for you! How dare you!! You go to bed at night, you lay there, you take responsibility for YO-SELF, because no one will take responsibility for you!!"

After practicing their choreography onstage, everyone heads back to the workroom to create their costumes.  RuPaul visits, and ends up with team leader Sahara.  Pointing to a sleeping Tyra, Ru asks Sahara if she is OK with one of her girls sleeping and suggests Tyra may need to get pimp slapped.  Pimpin’ ain’t easy, after all.

But instead of a smack, Ru gently awakens Tyra – who mumbles something about glue guns and being finished.  Then Tyra goes back to sleep.  I was rooting for you Tyra!  WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!!

RuPaul tells the girls that they will be performing at Club Dragonfly – in front of the judges and an audience of men – so they need to bring their Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent.  And Tyra might want to bring a pillow, just in case she gets sleepy again.

The next day at the club, RuPaul introduces this week’s judges – Santino and Merle – as well as the hilarious Kim Coles and the fabulous Queen of Burlesque – Dita Von Teese.

Then Ru announces a twist – while one team is dancing, the other team must hit the streets and try to sell cherry pie gift certificates from a local café.  Of course Tyra hates this idea – she’d rather be selling Serta Perfect Sleeper Mattresses.  Or sleeping on them.

So, team Sahara hits the pavement, while the gorgeous gals of Team Pandora hit the pole.  Surprisingly, the pretty girls of Team Pandora seem to have trouble “making it rain” and collecting tips from the audience.  Raven, in particular, stated that she only made enough money for dinner at The Sizzler.  Honey, six bucks is six bucks – don’t put yourself down so much.  Furthermore, at least she’s not as bad Nicole Paige Brooks - or as frightfully THIN …

Dem bones … dem bones!

Meanwhile on the streets of Los Angeles, the dragged-up divas of Team Sahara are attempting to peddle their pie to pedestrians.  At first it doesn’t go so well, in fact Jujubee has to remind deep-voiced Tyra to put more “Soprano” in her voice.  Unfortunately Tyra continued channeling TONY Soprano, and not Beverly Sills.  Hell, even if Tyra would have tried for CARMELA Soprano, it would have been better than her normal squawk.  But the girls rally and finally collect some money.

The teams switch – and Pandora’s girls hit the streets, while Sahara’s Ho’s hit the pole.  Team Pandora’s street technique can be summed up in one word:

SOLICITATION

Those girls look they’ve done this before.  My favorite sales pitch is Nicole Paige Brooks’: “You KNOW you want THE PIE”.  No they don’t darling – but maybe you should have a slice to get some meat on those skinny bones of yours.  They are so bad that the pedestrians seem to speed up and RUN past these desperate Trannies.  Talk about not wanting what these girls are selling...

The Misfit Dolls of Team Sahara hit the stage – and get the judges smiling.  Everyone does a good job, and Mystique does her signature split – “dropping it” like a ton of bricks.  And even though they might not be the prettiest girls – Team Sahara seems to make a bunch of money.

After the show, the girls return to the workroom and put on their “High Class Drag” outfits for the runway show.  RuPaul enters and re-introduces the judges, and the runway show begins.

The highlight of the runway show is, of course, RuPaul’s commentary.  Especially when she said Mystique could “Eat Beyonce in one swallow!”

But the runway also featured another highlight, at least for me.  And this was Jessica Wild’s outfit – which Kim Coles described as like a “Toilet Paper Cozy” …

Kim has a point…

After the show, the girls line up onstage for the results.  Team Sahara (AKA “Team Not-So-Pretty") brought in the most cash, so they are safe and head backstage for cocktail and stank talk.  Team Pandora is up for elimination and remains onstage.

The girls are critiqued by Ru and the judges – and Team Pandora tries to throw pretty Tatianna under the bus.  However, RuPaul announces  that Nicole Paige Brooks (who looked like a “drunk Janice Dickinson) and Raven (with her Sizzler money) will have to lip synch for their lives.  The rest are safe.

Raven and Nicole perform the En Vogue classic My Lovin (You’re Never Gonna Get It) – and Raven knocks it out of the park.  Nicole Paige Brooks is told to sashay away … back to Atlanta and to her adopted son.  Buh-bye girl!

Next week: TANYAFREAKINGTUCKER!!!!

RuPaul's Drag Race Ep. 1 - "It's CURTAINS For You!"

Oh YES darling Dust Bunnies – RuPaul's Drag Race is back, and so are my recaps.  So … Gentlemen (and Ladies) … START.YOUR.ENGINES…


FYI:  You can watch Episode One in its entirety HERE.  Then come back and read my recap...

Let’s begin with some general information.  Logo has upped the biatch budget a bit, so this season we start off with 12 girls as opposed to 9.  Also, after each RPDR episode, there is a half-hour behind-the-scenes “Untucked” show – which reveals all the backstage bitchiness we love so much.  I won’t be recapping Untucked per se, but I will try to incorporate some of the backstage backbiting into my regular recap.

As in most reality competitions, the show begins with the cast arriving one-by-one.  We meet Nicole Paige Brooks of Atlanta, deep-voiced Raven, “fabulous Asian girl” Jujubee, and Sahara Davenport – our queen from NYC.

We also meet Shangela – who has been doing drag for only 5 months and went to college with Sahara.  BTW – I think “Shangela” is the hottest name since “Solange”.  If my future husband Franky G (below) ever gets me pregnant, we're naming the baby “Shangela Dust G”.  Girl or boy.

 ... [drool]…

Anywhore, Morgan keeps talking about how pretty she is, but all I see is a mouth that’s the size of the Holland Tunnel …

Mystique is this season’s “big girl”, and her boobies have names: “Cheeseburger” for righty, and “Taco Bell” for lefty.  FYI: I calls mines “Laverne” and “Shirley”.

Finally we meet Puerto Rican mami Jessica Wild, pretty girls Tyra Sanchez and Tatianna, Kathy Griffin look-alike Pandora Boxx, and Sonique – whose parents put her in military school to become a soldier.  They got a soldier alright – a la Destiny’s Child…

It’s so funny watching the Dragtestants eying up the competition as each one arrives.  Unlike Project Runway or Top Chef, these queens’s “product” is literally painted on their faces – and they judge each other accordingly.  It would be like requiring the Project Runway Fashiontestants to wear their own garments on the first day, or for the Top Cheftestants to arrive with their best casserole.  Hmmmm … that last one actually sounds like a good idea, Someone get me Padma on the phone!…

The Drag Racers are greeted by a “She-Mail” from RuPaul (“You’ve got to EARN IT, Tina!”), and then Boy Ru greets everyone in person.  The girls seem a little star struck to meet THE “Supermodel of the World”.

Ru tells the girls that they all have the …

Charisma

Uniqueness

Nerve, and

Talent

required to be there.  But do they have “that little something extra”??  I’d say they all definitely have a little something extra – and Puerto Rican Jessica probably has A LOT extra, if you smell what I’m stepping in.

RuPaul talks about the prizes they are competing for … blah blah cosmetics … blah blah Absolute blah blah … and $25,000!  The girls all clap when they hear about the cold hard cash money.  Twenty five g’s can buy a whole lot of Lee Press-on Nails, dontcha know.

RuPaul introduces photographer Mike Ruiz – who will be conducting their first photo shoot.  I have met Mike before, and if I remember correctly he snatched my little digital camera out of my hand, corrected the settings, and handed it back to me after I drunkenly couldn’t figure out how to take his picture.  Yes, I was trying to take a pic of a friggin’ PHOTOGRAPHER, and I was too drunk to work my own camera.  Good times.

Anywhoo, the photoshoot will be inspired by on of Ru’s favorite movies - Gone With The Wind.  The Pit Crew is there, dressed like studly Civil War soldiers (NOT Destiny’s Child soldiers), and the girls are required to straddle the cannon and deal with a VERY strong wind machine while having their picture taken.

As usual, the best thing about the photoshoot is the funny crap that comes out of Ru’s mouth…

To Morgan (after her wig blows off): “Those damn Yankees took EVERYTHING from you!”

To Shangela (while her boobs were becoming exposed): “Chicken cutlets!  Chicken cutlets!”.

To Raven: “War is HELL, but you look GORGEOUS!”.

Everyone gathers back in the workroom, and Ru and Mike enter with trays of cocktails.  This is where I wrote “Love that cocktails play important part of this show” in my notes.  But cocktails and drag queens do go hand in hand – like Macaroni & Cheese or Paris Hilton & Gonorrhea.

RuPaul announces that Raven is the winner of the photoshoot (below), and the girls call it a night and head home.

The next day Ru meets the Dragtestants to give them their main challenge.  She tells them that in Gone With The Wind, Scarlett decided to use curtains to create a fierce outfit – and they will do the same.

There are 12 pairs of curtains hanging in front of them.  Since Raven won the photoshoot, she picks her drapes first.  The other 11 girls will grab and growl the set of curtains they want.  Then they will use this fabric (along with some “used home furnishings”) to create their “Gone With The Window” runway looks.

RuPaul says the word, and the girls go nuts grabbing for curtains.  After drapes have been obtained, the Dragtestants head to the workroom to create their curtain couture.

Shangela makes sure to buddy up to Pandora – because Pandora knows how to sew.  Morgan and Raven seem to be working together (they are friends from Atlanta), but Morgan breaks the sewing machine.  And Big Mystique doesn’t seem to get along with anybody – and spends much of her time complaining that the dress forms and fabric aren’t “plus-size friendly”.  That’s right Girl – they DISCRIMINATE against us big Ho’s!!!  No Justice – No Eats Peace!!!  It’s making me hungry just thinking about the unfairness of it all.

RuPaul channels Tim Gunn and visits the Racers.  Shangela (God I LOVE that name!) is created a “hot gun concoction” with ears of corn for accessories.  The real Tim Gunn just keeled over and DIED.  R.I.P.  You will be missed.

Mystique is trying to create something to cover her big self – so she decides on Pillowcase Couture.  Skinny Morgan – who seems to hate Mystique immediately, says “I think Mystique is a mistake”.  Well I think skinny little drag queens whose mouths are built for quantity and not quality are a mistake!  Ok, I try to stay impartial while recapping … and I realize Mystique seems to have the personality of a Triple Whopper With Cheese, but I have a feeling that Morgan and I are NOT gonna get along this season.  I can tell she is a fatty-hater and, as a fatty, I hate fatty-haters.  There.  I said it.

It’s now Runway Day, and Ru’s entrance is dazzling …

As always, the cameras seem to be covered with Vaseline AND gauze (and maybe some pantyhose for good measure).  After all, RuPaul (and Santino) ain’t getting any younger – so a “soft focus” seems to work best.  

Speaking of Santino, RuPaul introduces the judges:  Santino Rice and Merle Ginsberg are back – and this week’s guest judges are Mike Ruiz and the fabulous Kathy Griffin (below).

The girls walk, the judges gawk (and talk … stank).  Shangela dangles corn, Pandora wears her best Kathy Griffin wig, and Mystique – sensing her queen-sized pillowcase wasn’t cutting it with the judges – decides to do a show-stopping split.

The Dragtestants gather onstage for the results.  Jujubee, Tatiana, Raven, Sonique, Jessica, and Nicole are safe and head backstage for cocktails and bitchery.

This leaves 6 girls onstage.  They seem to likee Morgan (ugh!), Tyra (pretty, but not enough personality), and Pandora.  The judges no likee Mystique, Sahara, and Shangela.  The remaining 6 go backstage for cocktails and bitchery – where Mystique and Morgan almost come to blows punch each other out.

The judges discuss.  RuPaul calls Mystique’s dress “raggedy”.  Furthermore, Ru says Mystique’s split was also raggedy – but at least it was entertaining.  Sahara tried to explain her outfit by talking about her Asian boyfriend and Kathy Griffin was as confused as I was.  “Nothing says Civil War like ‘My Asian Boyfriend’??”, she says.  And Shangela’s dress didn’t have a bust line or a waist, but it did have corn.  So there’s that…

Later, Raven remarks that Shangela “put the maize in her walk”.  I SOOOO wish I'd thought of that.

Time for the results – so the remaining 6 come back onstage.  Tyra is safe and so is Pandora.  And Morgan is the winner. Ugh.

RuPaul tells Mystique that even though her effort was “raggedy”, she is safe.  This leaves college friends Sahara and Shangela to Lip Synch For Their Lives.

I have to say – these two BATTLE IT OUT on the runway.  Dresses and hairpieces fly as they drop, dip and spin in front of the judges.

RuPaul announces the results – Sahara stays, and Shangela-with-the-hot-name is told to “sashay away” … corn and all.

All in all, it was an a-MAIZE-ing first episode.

EXCLUSIVE: Meet The RuPaul's Drag Race PIT CREW!

Yes, BunnyNation, the wait is almost over - RuPaul's Drag Race Season 2 premieres tomorrow night!  By now I hope you have gone to LogoOnline and met the latest batch of Dragtestants.

But here at DavidDust, I know my readers all too well - and I thought you might want to meet the Pit Crew, the hunky men who attend to RuPaul and the Girls.  So I made sure to stalk  contact the good people at Logo/VH1 - and they gave me the scoop.

Ladies and gentlemen, without further adieu ... The Pit Crew...

EMANUEL:

Name? Emanuel

Where are you from?  I'm from Fresno, Ca but currently in Van Nuys.

How did you come to be a Pit Crew member?  Model Mayhem casting.

What else do you do besides taking care of Ru and the Girls?  I've been modeling for five years, and I just started acting this month.

Any secrets you can divulge about Season 2? I wish I could tell you, but I cant =(

Fun fact about you?  I'm a funny guy.

Special ability?  I'm a great dancer.

Check out Emanuel on MySpace and Facebook.

MAX:

Name: Max "The Body" Philisaire

Where are you from? Born and raised in Haiti. Been in south Florida since the age of 8.  Moved to Los Angeles, CA April 2009

How did you come to be a Pit Crew member?  The casting directors felt I was comfortable in my own skin and felt that I would be great as one of the pit crew members.

What else do you do besides taking care of Ru and the Girls? Celebrity Trainer, Fitness model, Actor.

Any secrets you can divulge about Season 2? When aired, this show will be one of the most interesting and entertaining shows on TV.

Fun fact about you? I only see skin and bones when I look in the mirror. I enjoy riding scooters on European Islands such as Ibiza, Mallorca.  U.S Combat Engineer Iraqi war veteran.  I'm very protected of people, even the ones that I don't know. My Max "The Body" 2011 Calendar will be available Mid February.

Check out Max's website HERE.