DAVID DUST: April 2008

I’ve decided to grow a goatee. Yes, for the first time in my entire life, I am attempting facial hair. And no, the picture above is not me.

I guess I figured I might as well go ahead and embrace my inner “bear”. I’m already big as a house (a very LARGE house), so I figured I might as well grow the goatee and make it official. Bears are very “in” these days. I just hope the Papis aren’t afraid of us. Note to the Papis: Please Feed The Bears! :)

The only problem is, I have absolutely NO idea how to grow anything on my face. I am 40 years old, and the only mustache I’ve ever had was of the “Kool Aid” variety. I have very light hair (reddish-blond), so the growth so far is not very noticeable. Furthermore, it seems that my stubble is either DARK red, or…GASP…completely WHITE (gray)!

This ought to be interesting…

On the previous episode of Step It Up and Dance, Janelle excelled at hip-hop battling and won immunity – while Jessica “wormed” her way toward elimination. Read my recap here.

This week’s show opens with Miguel bonding with Janelle – even though he previously described her dance style as “white girl at the club”. Note to Miguel: that white girl won, beeyotch – and you didn’t!!. Oscar, Nick, and Tovah (our consistent bottom dwellers) are praying for a non-break dancing, non-hip-hop challenge. They need to remember that this is NOT Dancing with the Stars, which means they probably won’t be doing the Paso Doblé this week.

Everyone heads over to the Step It Up and Dance Theater, where Jerry, Elizabeth and the rest of the crew are preparing for the day’s shoot – and a lone “crew member” is on the stage sweeping. This sweeper is going to town with his broom, sweeping rhythmically – creating a one person broom “symphony”. Suddenly, other people with brooms appear on stage – and it quickly becomes apparent that the musical STOMP is going to be a part of today’s challenge.

For those of you not familiar with Stomp, it is an off-Broadway musical that has been running in NYC since 1994. It is a combination of rhythmic dance, percussion, and comedy – using such non-traditional “instruments” as brooms, trash can lids, and poles. Mama Bunny tells me she wants to see Stomp every time she visits me – but neither of us has seen it yet. One of these days Mom!

Luke Cresswell, the creator of Stomp – is introduced as this week’s guest judge. They plug the Las Vegas version of the show – Stomp Out Loud – which sounds like it should be performed during Gay Pride weekend. Nick, Oscar and Tovah are pissed off that they will be stomping instead of waltzing this week.

The dancetestants will have a two-hour Stomp “crash course” before the Audition Challenge which will separate them into Winning and Elimination groups.

Sexy Papi Michael is “stoked” to work “hands on” with Stomp – and him saying those words makes me break into a cold sweat. Oscar has decided that Stomp is “ground” again (remember, he likes to jump in the air like a wild Gayzelle!) – he never even took tap dance lessons, so he’s screwed. African-American Tovah has lost her rhythm, and so has White Girl at the Club Janelle.

Mean Girl Miguel, on the other hand, is doing great – which really annoys me. He talks about his “natural and amazing sense of rhythm” - which also upsets me, because it happens to be true. He is very much like Project Runway’s Christian – without any shred of likeability. Miguel is also STILL hatin’ on Sexy Papi Michael – saying “Mike sucks”, and Mike is still in the competition “based on luck”. I have one thing to say to Miguel: Don’t make me break my foot off in your ass.

After the Audition Challenge, Luke separates them into Winning and Elimination teams. Miguel, Mochi, and Cute Cody are placed on the winning team, and Janelle (who has immunity), Oscar, and Tovah are put on the Elimination team. They are undecided about Nick and Sexy Papi Michael – so they hold a “Stomp-off” to decide where each will go.

Nick is a trained tap-dancer, but his rhythm “went on vacation” during the Stomp-off. Sexy Papi Michael’s hip-hop training seems to pay off – he does well, although Miguel has to say “Mike’s not a dancer, he’s a wannabe” (remember: MY foot – YOUR ass, beeyotch!). Sweet Michael just hopes that “whatever I did, I hope it moved Luke”. Oh honey, I don’t know about Luke, but you certainly moved ME!

Luke is sufficiently moved – and Michael is put on the Winning Team, and “Mr. NOjangles” Nick (and his vacationing rhythm) is put on the Elimination Team.

The winning team will use trash can lids as their “instruments”. Sexy Papi Michael notes that in regular dance, you have the music to guide you – but in Stomp, you are creating the music AND dancing to it, which is much more difficult. Miguel is eyeballing him and giving him dirty looks every time Mike makes a mistake. Another note to Miguel – I wear a size 11-Wide shoe.

I think I see one of the problems – Miguel is jealous because Sexy Papi Michael is a serious Playa! Papi is TOTALLY hitting on the hottest (male) Stomp dancer (with gorgeous brown skin and bulging biceps) – asking “You Latin?”. The hunky dancer responds that he’s African American Creole with Louisiana roots – which happens to be where Mike’s father is from – and they bond over it. Sexy Papi Michael is hitting on this hot hunk of a man so effortlessly and so naturally, that it’s NO WONDER Miguel is hatin’. Don’t hate the Playa beeyotch, hate the game! And Papi has got SERIOUS game.

It’s now time for the Elimination Team – which Nick refers to as the “Craptastic” group. They are using brooms, which upsets Janelle - who doesn’t sweep (“I use vacuums”). Oscar is setting his sights low and simply hoping to beat Tovah – who is really struggling. Way to reach for the stars, you big Gayzelle!

At the end of the day, everyone returns to the apartments to practice. Since there aren’t enough brooms, Oscar is using Janelle’s vacuum cleaner. Miguel, on the other hand, has decided to simply decorate his boots with a magic marker and lounge around predicting a win. I hate him with every fiber of my being.

The next day everyone returns to the theater. We are introduced to the judges – Vincent Paterson, Nancy O’Meara, and Luke Cresswell. Jerry advises the dancetestants to “go apeshit” but everyone seems nervous. Sexy Papi Michael is “hungry” for immunity, and I am so hungry for Sexy Papi Michael that I would give up Arby’s FOREVER for just one bite!

The Winning group goes first and they are really good. Miguel looks butch with his trash can lids, and I start praying that despite all that sweeping, they somehow missed ONE banana peel for Miguel to slip on.

After the performance, Sexy Papi Michael is truly “stoked”. He says the “lion came out!” (I’ve seen that lion and it’s GORGEOUS!) and Vincent Paterson says he is starting to “see other sides” of Mike and I think that creepy old bastard needs to stay away from my man. Guest judge Luke comments that Michael’s “memory” let him down a few times, but how can Luke expect him to be gorgeous AND smart? I know I don’t…

Nancy O’Meany mentions that Cute Cody had a few “White Boy” moments, but I bet SHE wouldn’t mind a few moments with that white boy. Mochi also gets generally positive reviews.

Miguel is applauded and lauded, and it is determined that Miguel and Sexy Papi Michael are the top two. But evil Miguel prevails, and wins the challenge. He feels “amazing” and “ecstatic” to have immunity, but that’s NOT how he’s going to feel after I get done with that evil beeyotch. Let’s see how how many more challenges Miguel wins with this 11-Wide up his ass!

Time for Team Craptastic’s performance. Nick, Tovah, Oscar and Janelle look terrified – however Janelle has immunity so she will be safe no matter what. They do the “dance of 1000 brooms”, but it doesn’t sweep the judges off their feet. It is CRAPTACULAR!

After the Elimination performance, the judges seem to single out Tovah. Luke says he was “confused” by her performance. Vincent “doesn’t see the hunger” – but does see how “gorgeous” she is. In fact, he suggests she should try out for America’s Next Top Model – where one ALSO must be hungry. Nancy O’Meany says that she “doesn’t see a dancer who will die if she doesn’t dance” and I think Nancy wants Tovah dead for some reason.

Nick laments that when he dances while holding the broom, his feet get jealous of his hands (maybe his hands could go on America’s Next Top Hand Model). Luke says that Nick was actually better than he thought – his rhythm must be back from that vacation. Janelle realizes that the dorky white girl in the club came out today, but she has immunity so it doesn’t really bother her lily-white ass too much.

Oscar was scared. So scared he broke two brooms during the performance (that ground is HARD!). Maybe Vincent should suggest Janitorial School. But Nancy tells him that he is “still my stud muffin!”. Nancy is one twisted sister.

Tovah and Oscar are the bottom two, and the judges decide to let Tyra deal with Tovah’s unhungry ass on America’s Next Top Model – and she is sent home. Tovah begins to cry and hugs Oscar before walking offstage.

During her last dance, Tovah says she does NOT just want to be “a pretty face”, she wants to be a dancer. Unfortunately the judges had other ideas…but at least Nancy didn’t kill her.