DAVID DUST: May 2008

Last week on Top Chef - the Winners kept winning, Spike snuck his way into the final five, and Dale cried his way out the door. And Lisa’s lesbian “Laksa” tastes like smoke. See my recap here.

On this, the twelfth and final Top Chef episode filmed in Chicago (before moving to Puerto Rico for the finale), I would like to remind you of my very first recap. It was entitled: “Episode One: Douchebag or Lesbian?”. What I did in that first recap was attempt to get to know the cheftestants by putting them into easily understood categories. At the end of that first show it was obvious there were MANY douchebags and lesbians on Top Chef. And these douches and lezzies provided us with some entertaining and dramatic television.

Now, twelve episodes later, we are down to exactly ONE douchebag (Spike), and ONE lesbian (Lisa) – and three talented chefs who deserve to be in the finale. So this episode was ALL about getting rid of either the Douche or the Dyke.

It’s morning in Chicago, and since we’re down to only five cheftestants, we get lots of “filler” commentary and much less action. Especially since Dale isn’t there anymore to cup his toddler-sized balls and scream at people, Andrew has long-since taken his meth-induced mania home, and all of Spike’s boytoys have been eliminated. So you can expect lots of cheftestants talking about how they are really "focused" on making it to the final four, and how much it would suck if they made it this far, only to be sent home before the finale. Blah, blah blah… Sometimes I miss those dramatic douchebags and lesbians – it always made the hour go quicker.

Quickfire Challenge:

The Final Five end up at Allen Brother’s, a huge Chicago meat purveyor. There they meet Joanne, who suits them up in FDA-mandated butcher-wear, and tells them they will be cutting up cows. Specifically, they have 20 minutes to cut individual chops from a rib rack. Joanne leads them into a big white room full of big men cutting big meat. She gives them one parting word of advice: “make sure the bone is Frenched”. I love it when lady-butchers talk dirty.

Spike is immediately confident because both of his grandfathers were butchers. Personally, my grandfather was a carpenter but that doesn’t mean that I can use a hammer. Just saying. But Spike does seem like a bitch who can use a blade.

Spike really does breeze through the challenge, whereas Stephanie gets all girly and starts with the “oh my, this meat is so BIG, and I’m just a lady!”. Get over it. Richard also seems awkward around big meat. Joanne announces that time is up and yells “get your meat and let’s head out!”. I want to go to a gay bar with Joanne sometime. You just KNOW she starts harassing the go-go boys with catcalls of “let’s see that MEAT!!!” after her fourth Sloe Gin Fizz.

Everyone returns to the Top Chef Kitchen, where we see Padma and “legendary” Chicago Chef Rick Tramonto – the Guest Judge for this challenge.

The second part of the Quickfire Challenge is for the cheftestants to cook the chops they have just butchered to a perfect “medium rare” for Chef Rick and Padma.

They have 30 minutes to cook their meat, and we get the usual scramble. Stephanie is a little unsure of herself and her timing, Antonia is putting “love” into her meat, and Lisa is admiring Spike’s meat – even complimenting him on how nice it looks. Hey, if a LESBIAN is admiring it, then that must be some pretty meat.

“Utensils down, hands up!”. Why is Stephanie giving us ‘Jazz Hands’?

Chef Rick, who has the personality of a Tampon Vending Machine, walks around and tastes everyone’s meat. He seems oddly angry and distant – like he is just one 911 call away from losing custody of his kids.

Tramonto announces that Stephanie and Richard were his least favorite, and Spike was the winner of the challenge. Padma tells Spike that he will have an “important decision to make” in the Elimination Challenge as a result of his win.

Elimination Challenge:

The challenge this week will be for the five remaining cheftestants to take over the dinner service at Tramonto’s Steak and Seafood restaurant tomorrow night. Mr. Personality inspires them with the following advice: “don’t screw it up”. Remind me NOT to invite Rick Tramonto when Joanne and I go to the gay bar to harass strippers.

Everyone will create an entrée and appetizer using the food found at the restaurant. Spike, as winner of the Quickfire, will get to select his protein first for both dishes.

The cheftestants return to the Top Chef House, and we get more “filler” interaction scenes. You can tell that all the crazy and/or drunken bitches are gone, because the producers are forced to show Antonia and Spike having an actual conversation, and Richard talking about having something to prove since he sucked at the Quickfire. Boring!

The next day they head to the restaurant for “shopping” and menu preparation. Spike picks first, and selects the tomahawk chops they worked with yesterday, as well as scallops. The unusual thing is that the scallops are FROZEN, and the other cheftestants glance at each other as if Spike just farted but everyone is too polite to say anything. Bitches must HATE frozen scallops.

They have 3 hours to create their dishes. Stephanie is doing a “sweetbreads” appetizer – which is neither “sweet” nor “bread”…discuss. Actually, it is the thymus gland – and you can imagine why they renamed it sweetbreads. For the same reason the Scandinavians named that barren cold stretch of Arctic territory “Greenland”.

Lisa is doing “Peanut Butter Mashed Potatoes”, and I’m starting to think they’ll be sending the lesbian home tonight. And if the judges don’t send her home, Antonia WILL, by trying to set Lisa on fire. Antonia has cranked up the open-flame oven that just “happens” to be up against Lisa’s back.

Spike’s frozen scallops are … frozen, and moist, and torn – and generally crappy. He is trying to suck up the moisture with paper towels, or as Martha Stewart says: “paper TOWELING”. Martha Stewart, like Spike, annoys me.

Time for Chef Tom’s kitchen visit. He startles Antonia, but they immediately bond over Spike’s frozen scallops. Knowing glances are exchanged – and Tom is visibly gleeful that Spike is using crappy scallops.

Obviously in a mischievous mood, Chef Colicchio decides to freak Richard out by turning up his nose at Richard’s “simple” menu. Richard’s strategy is to “under-promise and over-deliver” but now he’s nervous about Tom’s comments. Richard should have tried to bond with Tom by mentioning Spike’s frozen scallops.

Chef Colicchio is on a roll, so he decides to mess with Lisa. She tries to talk up her Peanut Butter Mashed Potatoes, but Tom gives her the “oh that’s nasty!” face and simply says “interesting…”. Lisa is now frazzled and Chef Tom’s work here is done.

Tom continues his mind games by moving on to Spike – who is still trying to de-moisturize his scallops. Chef Colicchio might as well be humming “Oh What a Beautiful Morning!”.

Tom: “You were OK with FROZEN scallops”?

Spike: “Yep”.

Tom (practically BEAMING): “Everyone else said they wouldn’t have used them. You must really be worried now. You KNOW we have to get rid of a douchebag or a lesbian during this episode, don’t you?”

Spike: “Don’t worry, I’ll find a way to sneak by”.

Tom (under his breath): “Good luck douchebag”.

Spike (under his breath): “Don’t make me cut you. I’ve got butchery in my blood”.

Chef Tom then announces to everyone that 60 dinner guests will be coming in about an hour, along with the judges and three “VIP Guests”. And HE will personally be “expediting” the dinner service tonight. If you’re not familiar with the term “expediting”, think of what Chef Gordon Ramsay does on Hell’s Kitchen – without the English-accented screaming, kicking, and verbal abuse. Basically, the Expeditor stands at the front of the kitchen and asks for shit.

The Three “VIP’s” enter, and look who it is!!!

Actually, it’s Harold, Ilan, and Hung – the Top Chef winners from seasons 1, 2, and 3. When asked to give advice to the remaining cheftestants, Harold tells them to stay true to their cooking style, Hung tells them they are here to win (not be fan favorite), and Ilan tells them not to shave anyone’s head. The Three Stooges would have been MUCH more entertaining.

The judges enter and GAIL AND HER BOOBIES ARE HERE!!! Yeeeeaaaaahhhh!!!!! And by the looks of Gail’s blouse, it is extremely COLD in Tramonto’s Steak and Seafood.

The judges (Gail, Padma, Rick, Larry, Moe, and Curly) decide they would like a “tasting menu” from each cheftestant.

Appetizers come out first. They REALLY likee Richard’s tuna and sweetbreads appetizer, with Rick saying that he would put it on his menu. They also seem to like Stephanie’s sweetbreads, but they question Lisa’s prawns and Spike’s scallops. They seem to be on track in their mission of lesbian or douchebag extermination.

The entrees come out, and Gail and her Boobies are “nervous” about Lisa’s “Choosy Lesbians Choose Jif” Mashed Potatoes. I am nervous about it getting any colder in that dining room and someone getting poked in the eye. The judges seem to actually like the potatoes, but aren’t impressed with Lisa’s “under-seasoned” NY Strip.

They really likee Antonia’s Ribeye with Shallot and Potato Gratin (Chef Rick finally shows us a little personality – all it took was a good gratin). Ilan found himself “falling in love” with the dish, even though it was “very rich”. What is he – 75 years-old? That’s the kind of things a retiree says in the dessert line at the Boca Raton branch of The Country Buffet. “Oy vey – so rich!”

Service is over, and everyone heads to the Not-So-Glad Storage room for one last “sip and stew”. But alas, this room is actually more Glad than Not-So-Glad – with Lisa saying that “everyone’s fucking awesome” and hopes they all stay in touch. I’m sure the other four gave her fake email addresses.

Padma comes in and tells them all to report to the judge's table. The cheftestants stand before them, and you just KNOW that Richard, Antonia, and Stephanie are waiting to receive their tickets to Puerto Rico. Spike and Lisa…not so much.

Richard’s appetizer is commended as “brilliant” by Chef Tramonto, but Gail and her Boobies had some issues with Richard’s entrée. Conversely, the judges really likee Antonia’s entrée, but had issues with her appetizer

Stephanie is commended for her great attitude, and for never showing that she’s under pressure. Except for right now – because she looks like she’s about to have a nervous breakdown. Rick (who has perked up considerably now that Stephanie is being discussed) thought her sweetbreads were “lush”. I’m sure there is some sort of hidden hetero meaning there, but I’m a fag so I don’t get it.

Lisa – who is her usual Judges Table enchanting and gorgeous self – receives mixed reviews for her dishes. But I have a question – why does Lisa’s double-chin ONLY appear at the judges table?

Spike, as can be expected, is questioned by Chef Tom AGAIN about the frozen scallops. WE GET IT: frozen scallops = BAD. Tom calls them “terrible” and says he would have sent them back if he had ordered them in a regular restaurant. Chef Tramonto starts giving Spike a lecture about how he should refuse sub-par ingredients like these from food suppliers.

And then Spike does it – he GOES THERE. He just cant control himself. All of those weeks of sneaky strategies, avoiding trouble, and squeaking by come to a crashing end with this reply to Chef Rick:

“With all due respect – they WERE in your walk-in”. Oh shit.

Tramonto, who seems to simmer just below “boil” most of the time, ERUPTS. “I’ll take the shot!” – he yells; but adds that Spike has to take the shot for using the crappy scallops that were found in his freezer. Spike is finished, and lamely shakes Tramonto’s hand on his way back to the NSG Storage Room.

It is definitely NOT-So-Glad again, and Spike can’t believe the verbal diarrhea that just squirted out of his mouth. Lisa, on the other hand, pops the biggest culinary boner of the season and prays to Xena: Warrior Princess that Spike has just guaranteed her trip to Puerto Rico.

The judges do their judging, and it’s obvious that Richard, Stephanie, and Antonio are going to the finale. It is also obvious that a lesbian or a douchebag will be going home. At this point I’m betting on the douchebag.

All are called back in, and Rick (who has calmed down somewhat) announces that Stephanie is the winner and will be going to the finale. She wins a copy of Rick's new cookbook and Padma then announces that Stephanie also wins a “suite” of GE Monogram Kitchen Appliances. The producers then force Stephanie to say “GE Monogram Kitchen Appliances” three more times in one-on-one interviews. They also make her do a couple of “woo hoo’s!” for good measure. GE probably had “woo hoos!” written into their sponsorship contract. After all, appliances ARE expensive.

Richard and Antonia are also safe – and the three of them leave the room and hug in the Glad-Again Storage Room.

It’s down to the Lesbian with the double chin versus the Douchebag with the big mouth. Tom notes that Lisa has been in the bottom group 5 times, and Spike has been there 7 times. Considering there have only been 12 challenges, those are some pretty impressive totals.

Tom doesn’t think that Lisa pushes herself hard enough, but he still can’t get over Spike’s use of frozen scallops. And ultimately it is his use of said scallops (and Spike's dissing of Rick Tramonto’s foodstuffs) that gets him sent home.

“Spike, please pack your fugly hats and your knives and go”. Spike thanks the judges, hugs the others, and departs. Mission: “Eliminate a Douchebag”. Mission: Accomplished.

That means that Lisa will be going to Puerto Rico for the finale. “I’m definitely going to bring it” she tells the judges. By “it”, I hope she is referring to shampoo. She adds that she is going to “shock the shit out of the judges”. We shall see.