Thursday, May 22, 2008

Top Chef Chicago - Episode Eleven - "Buddhalicious"

Last week on Top Chef: Lisa was a bitch, Spike was a douche, and Andrew was crazy. Crazy lost.

WTF??!!?? David COOK won American Idol??!!?? Wow! Poor David Archuleta is going to get beat by his crazy-ass Dad for losing. Someone call Child Services!! Do they even HAVE Child Services in Utah? Or do child-rearing decisions get decided by the adult males of each Mormon compound? I’ve never been to Utah, so I don’t know.

Anywhoo, it really amazes me that Aruchuleta didn’t win. I would have thought all those young girls would have voted…

Holy Crap! Top Chef has started already – I hope I didn’t miss anything! Oh wait … it’s a repeat. Damn. Yeah, it’s the one with the familiar challenge and the team of obvious winners competing against a team of obvious losers. And everyone screams at each other at the judges table. Well, I guess we’ll have to wait for next week to see a new episode…

Wait?!? What is this?!? I don’t remember seeing a Diner before. This IS a new episode! Dammit – I have to find a pen!! And where in the HELL is my notebook?!?…

On this week’s episode of Top Chef, the six remaining cheftestants are awakened by a sunny Tom Colicchio at the God-awful hour of 5:45 am. Needless to say, these bitches look rough. They can barely keep their eyes open – Andrew obviously didn’t leave any Crystal Meth lying around. There’s nothing like a little Tweak in the morning to put some pep in your step. Ask Andrew the next time you see him scratching his leg, chewing his lip, and walking the streets in the middle of winter with no jacket – at 5:45 am.

Tom tells the chefs that he’ll be taking them to a Chicago breakfast joint – to COOK, not eat. They go to Lou Mitchell’s, which seems like one of those places where tourists wait in line for greasy breakfast and harassment from the wait staff. Good times.

At Mitchell’s, we meet Helene – the owner. Helene looks like she doesn’t take any shit. She probably works the overnight shift and gets to beat the crap out of rowdy drunks. She leads the cheftestant into the kitchen – specifically to the egg station. “This is the Hole”, she says, adding that The Hole is “where a lot of the action is”. I hear ya sister.

She introduces us to Martin (pronounced mar-TEEN) – the kitchen’s Top Mexican. Every kitchen has one. My restaurant’s top guy is named Hector. Actually, Hector is from Ecuador – and I’m starting to sound like a Republican, so I’ll stop with the racial stereotypes.

Martin definitely knows his way around The Hole. Insert DavidDust patented Papi double-entendre [HERE]. Martin and Helene will be observing the cheftestants, and will decide the winner.

The cheftestants take turns working the egg station. Greek Spike states that he “grew up in the industry”, which means he washed dishes in his Uncle Hercules and Aunt Athena’s Greek Diner in Astoria. He certainly didn’t do much egg cooking, based on his skills.

Antonia’s first order is “Two eggs, over hard!” – which would have made me giggle. And that would have pissed Martin off and I would have been banished to the pot sink to wash dishes like Spike. Antonia, on the other hand, doesn’t laugh and does well.

Dale also seems to do well. Four waitresses yell him orders at the same time, but he says “I can handle that kind of shit”. Remember, Dale be from the streets yo.

Richard, on the other hand, is having trouble understanding “Diner Lingo”. Translation, he cannot understand what waitresses Lateisha and Alizé are saying. Richard doesn’t speak Babymama. He also doesn’t cooks diner eggs well. And Lesbian Lisa can’t even make an egg without melting styrofoam. “Flop two! Make ‘em cry and let ‘em walk – hold the melted polystyrene!!!” The waitress must have forgotten the “polystyrene” part.

At the end of the Quickfire, everyone sits down at the counter for Helene’s critique. She thought Antonia was “calm” and took direction well, and Dale was “smooth” (but doesn’t take direction AT ALL). Antonia wins her fourth Quickfire, and Dale looks like he would like to stab her.

Chef Tom explains that he has other obligations, and will not be involved in the Elimination challenge. He gives Antonia the address where everyone must report to find out what their challenge will be.

They arrive at a raw warehouse space, where Padma is waiting for them. She announces that it’s RESTAURANT WARS!! Lisa states this is “what I’ve been fucking waiting for”. What I’m fucking waiting for is some shampoo in that hair.

Padma explains that they will break up into two teams and will split the dining room space, but share the kitchen. They will have $1500 for food, and $5000 to spend at Pier 1 Imports for décor.

Since Antonia won the greasy diner Quickfire, she gets to pick her teammates. She selects Richard and Stephanie. Yes, Team Winner is back – minus one. Which means Team Loser is also back – sans Nikki and her pastabilities.

Team Winner gets together and creates their “Warehouse Kitchen” theme. They want to do fine-dining “gastro pub” food, in a relaxed atmosphere. These three talented chefs put their plan together and constructively bounce ideas off each other.

Team Loser is creating a restaurant called “Mai Buddha”. Since all three of them cook Asian food, they will do an Asian menu. This doesn’t surprise anyone, especially Antonia, who comments AGAIN that the only thing Dale can do is Asian. And be a douchebag. And yell at lesbians. And bat his puppy-dog brown eyes at us gay boys. What a “little bitch” (Spike’s words, not mine).

Lisa states that Dale has pissed off a lot of people during the competition – ESPECIALLY the other two members of “Mai Losing Buddha”. It’s going to be fun watching these three idiots destroy each other.

While the “Winning Warehouse Kitchen” team creates their menu, Team Loser is doing the same. Dale throws out the monumental idea of a “Ramen-style” soup. Are they feeding half of Chicago? Does he realize how much Top Ramen he could buy with $1500? Lisa suggests a “serve-yourself” soup, because nothing says fine-dining like a big pot of soup, a ladle, and a stack of bowls. Spike suggests that if “Mai Buddha” can come together and win, they will knock one of the three top contenders out of the competition. And the Pope will preside over Ellen & Portia’s California same-sex wedding next month…

Time for shopping at Whole Foods. Team Winner is purchasing winning ingredients from their well-prepared list. Team Bonehead Buddha is attacking the “International” aisle, and buying up everything even remotely Asian. I wonder if they bought that LaChoy Chicken Chow Mein dinner-in-a-can? Cook up the gooey sauce and meat, and then add the vegetables…mmm, mmm, good. Don’t forget the crispy noodles! Ooohhhh, I hope they also serve those little frozen Mini Egg Rolls! They really need my culinary skills for this challenge.

It has been decided that Greek Spike will be in charge of the Losing Dining Room. Therefore, he is in charge of purchasing plates, napkins, etc., at Pier 1. I have a question: have you ever been to a Greek restaurant before? Do you know how Greek restaurants are usually decorated? Here’s an example:

So instead of dancing Greek peasants, Spike is substituting big-bellied Buddha’s. Lot’s of them.

Stephanie will be in charge of the Winning Dining Room, and is purchasing sensible dinnerwear that will compliment their Winning Warehouse cuisine. If I were her, I would have gone directly to the back of the store – that’s where they hide all the crap that’s on sale. Not that Team Winner needs any help at all. They could be making grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup and still beat the Three Bad Buddhas.

On Team Winner, Antonia has been named the Executive Chef and Richard is the “Chef de Cuisine”, which is French for “Antonia’s Bitch”. Stephanie will concentrate on the front-of-house.

Team Asian Losers literally flip a coin, making Dale the Executive Chef, and Lisa the “Lesbian Sans Shampoo”. Spike will get dressed up and smarm his way through the dining room.

Both teams begin preparing their dishes. Antonia is freaking out because they are doing fresh pasta, but didn’t purchase back-up pasta just in case something happens. Over at Team “Doesn’t Stand A Chance”, Dale has put on his manly teal-colored headband and starts barking orders – which Lisa and Spike promptly ignore.

At this point in the show, Chef Tom usually does his kitchen visit. In his place, we have an unhappy and hung-over Anthony Bourdain, who will bring his “warmer, sunnier disposition” to this challenge. As well as the half-empty flask of vodka still in his pocket from the night before.

Team “Might As Well Give Up Now” is shitting bricks. Chef Bourdain has traveled extensively, and if anyone knows Asian cuisine, it is Chef Boozehound, er, BOURDAIN. Their best hope is to create Asian cuisine that can also absorb lots of alcohol. Chef Bourdain goes to the “Mai Buddha” team and asks who the leader is. “I am the Captain of this boat”, Dale answers proudly. Please insert Titanic joke [HERE]. I’ll give you mine: “ICEBERG, DEAD AHEAD!”.

Team “Buddhaville Buttheads” tell Anthony Bourdain a little about their menu. Lisa will be doing a Shrimp Laksa (soup), which we find out Bourdain LOVES. Lisa prepares to abandon ship. Spike is also in charge of one dish – Short Ribs – which he will oversee in addition to tackying-up the Dining Room. Bourdain comments that “Asia is big”, and it’s difficult to master all facets of Asian cuisine. “Things could go really well, or really badly”, he adds. No coin toss necessary for THAT choice…

Chef Bourdain announces that each team will get to select a helper – and in walks Andrew, Mark, Jen, and Nikki. Andrew looks like they just let him out of his padded cell, and Jen looks like she just finished making out with Nikki. Team “Buddhalicious” gets to select first (since they are going to lose), and they select Jen. Because what this team really needs is another angry lesbian. Antonia picks Nikki to be her Winning Pasta Bitch. Andrew and Mark slink back into obscurity.

Things start getting increasingly negative with the Losers. Dale is screwing up his Filipino “Halo-Halo” dessert, which is making him “Hateful-Hateful”. Lisa is having rice issues (again), and yelling about it. In fact, Douchy Dale and Moana Lisa proceed to scream “CALM DOWN!” and “CHILL OUT!!” back and forth to each other for about 10 minutes. This only makes them yell and scream louder and more intensely. Then we see Dale and Spike tasting Lisa’s Laksa (ok, that sounded gross) and gagging. All Dale can taste is “smoke”, and Spike can’t distance himself enough from the food these two losers are preparing. Jen has already tasted Lisa’s Laksa, and thought it was delish. Just don’t tell Zoi.

Over at Team “We Are So Going To Win”, Miss Nikki is chilling’ and slurping down some gritty clams (which Richard rewashes). She’s already been eliminated, so she doesn’t care much. Nikki is only here to make pasta again – like she did every week BEFORE she got eliminated. She knows her limits.

Stephanie has put on her “chunky-girl” brown outfit, complete with high boots to hide the calves. She looks like what every Puerto Rican man wants his woman to look like. Papis LOVE a little junk in the trunk – God bless ‘em. Stephanie is keeping it upbeat and simple for the waiters, instructing them to have fun.

Spike, on the other hand, is telling his waiters they better NOT screw up his chances of winning Top Chef or he will hunt them down and kill them one by one. He hasn’t lied, cheated, and kissed ass THIS far only to have it screwed up by a bunch of loser waiters.

The doors open and the judges arrive. Padma introduces Chef José Andrés, the guest judge for this challenge. Padma and Chef Andrés sit down with Bourdain and Ted Allen.

First up – the “Warehouse Kitchen” team. One dish is more delicious than the next, and the judges are practically swooning. The only negative comment comes as a result of chocolate skid-marks on one of the dessert plates. Why even BOTHER to taste the crap from the other team? Oh that’s right, to see how BAD their food can actually be.

The judges go over to “Mai Buddha” and sit down. Gay Ted proceeds to get catty about the purple and silver linen. Which is what we do. Don’t ask me WHY – it’s just the way us gays are. We can spot distasteful décor from MILES away. Spike comes to the table dressed in a suit, and I must say, he cleans up nice. Hubba-hubba! Ted and Padma attempt to hide their “culinary boners” by placing the tacky purple and silver napkins in their laps.

The first course comes out, and Chef Bourdain hates the smoky Laksa. It’s “like putting your nose in the campfire”. Which is the same thing Jen said after SHE tasted Lisa’s Laksa. What a coincidence!

The entrees are presented to the judges, and they find the Braised Short Ribs acceptable. The “Butterscotch Scallops”, on the other hand, get the following reaction from Chef Bourdain:

Back in the kitchen, “Executive Chef” Dale is still yelling at Lisa – who is now pouring booze for herself and Jen. Lesbians, like Anthony Bourdain, like their liquor. Dale’s yelling falls upon deaf lesbian ears.

The dessert goes out to the judges. The Halo-Halo is described as “baby vomit with wood chips” by Chef Bourdain, although Chef Andrés seems to like the baby vomit. The Mango Sticky Rice is described by Padma as an “atrocity”, and she loses her Spike-induced culinary boner.

Everyone heads for the “Not-So-Glad” Storage Room, and Team Winner is called to the Judges Table. They are the winners (duh), and Stephanie (who is still rocking her “I’m gonna pick up a Papi” outfit) is announced as the overall winner. She wins a culinary trip to Spain for her and the Papi of her choice.

Time for Team Lonesome Loser to face the judges. They are told that the diners AND the judges were skeeved by their Asian “cuisine”. Maybe they SHOULD have gone with canned Chicken Chow Mein and serve-yourself Ramen soup.

Bourdain wants to talk about the smoky Laksa. He finds out it was Spike’s idea, but Lisa’s recipe. He wants to know what impact, as Executive Chef, Dale had on the Lousy Laksa.

“I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout fixin’ no Laksa”, Dale answers. He’s SO screwed.

But Lisa is also still in jeopardy. She starts fighting with Dale over who was responsible for the “appalling” sticky rice. After much back-and-fourth, Bourdain breaks it up by saying “you’re not talking to your Parole Officer!”. Although Lisa has the temperment of a Parole Officer, if this cooking thing falls through.

The conversation with the judges continues…

Dale: “You’re only as good as your weakest link”, he says while looking at Lisa.

Lisa: “You’re only as good as your leader”, she says while glaring at Dale.

Spike: “I don’t know either of these bitches”, he says while staring at Padma’s cleavage. That sneaky bastard knows he is safe – AGAIN!

They return to the NSG Storage Room, and Lisa and Spike whisper amongst themselves about Dale and his teeny, tiny, little wee testicles. Dale starts calling them “bitches”, and taunting them to say something to his face. Of course he doesn’t get near them, because Spike is 4 feet taller than Dale, and Lisa is a lesbian. “That’s cool, you can whisper all you want”, he adds, before they get called back in front of the judges.

Spike: Through “guile or luck”, that sneaky bastard was smart enough to let Dale and Lisa destroy each other. The shit-eating grin on Spike’s face says it all. That bastard lives to see another challenge.

Lisa: “Smoke is smoke”, says Chef Bourdain – which Lisa agrees with whole-heartedly. Because she is REALLY craving a Pall Mall right now.

Dale: He “fell down hard” in his leadership position.

“Dale, please pack your knives and go”. What?!? Holy Billie Jean King – Greasy Lisa is still here!!!

Tough guy Dale thanks the judges, and goes back to the NSG Storage room to hug Richard, Stephanie, and Antonia (who seem as shocked as the rest of America that Lisa is still here). Dale starts crying in his one-on-one interview when he mentions the three of them, and suddenly Mr. I’mAHustlaBaby has turned into the Little Bitch that he really is. But those big, brown, watery Puppy-Dog eyes get to me a little bit. After all, I AM gay…

Dale states that he has one of those personalities where “you either love me, or you hate me”. And now we know where the judges stand on that issue…

Next week: Shit happens and Chefs hold hands. Till then bitches!!!


Kyle/TheBookPolice said...

"I don't know either of these bitches." - No shit! What a turd. Slippery little bastard.

Andrea said...

On the Archuletta thing...I think they call the Mormon family dad the "Priested Head" of the household...or at least that's what I think I learned on Oprah from Lisa Ling....

barrie said...

So which is going next week? Spike or Lisa? They're both AWFUL and should not make the final four but one of them is going to manage :-(

Kathy aka the Minx said...

I wa sooo disappointed that Lisa didn't go this week. And I liked douchy Dale. :(

sassymoll said...

Spike... Lisa... ugh... vision blurring... left arm going tingly and numb...

I can't BELIEVE one of them will be in the final four. Bring back douchy Dale!

Funny, funny recap, BTW.

chef_the_city said...

omg, i was so gonna put something in my post about lisa's greasy ass hair, but i figured, "hey, why make it personal"... ok, lmao, that is NOT why, but there was enough other stuff going on, so i 86'd it. SO glad you mentioned it, tho, b/c it cracked me up.

as usu, you deliver. thx for being so damned witty!

Mary said...

This week was a shocker! Lisa SMOKES! Her taste buds are dead so why hasn't anyone figured this out yet? Spike is a crafty booger. I liked douchy Dale over Lisa. I hope it is Lisa or Spike next. Lisa is a drag and Spike is slimy.

Who hated Stephanie enough to dress her in brown? She looked like a booted turd. Is Padma in charge of wardrobe? I missed my Chef Tom, but I likee mean/drunk/cynical/funny Bourdain. Why can't Bourdain replace Padma? He would be a perfect foil for Chef Tom.

SailorAlphaCentauri said...

I have to come out and say it: I actually felt bad for Dale when he started crying. Usually, I get completely turned off by a man's tears (it's unsettling and scares me a little), but my heart went out to him.

Good Lord, why is Lisa still here! If she makes it to the final, I'm through with watching. As much as Spike sucks, Lisa is a pissy nightmare who can't get rice right. I couldn't get a job in ANYBODY'S kitchen and I can make good rice (I cook at home and would never pretend to be good enough to get paid for my work).

Lisa's going to make it through once again (just my guess) and it's either going to be Spike who goes home or one of the winners has an off-night and gets unexpectedly cut.

Poor Dale couldn't catch a break. He could've been on the winners team the week Nikki got eliminated and he would've been just fine (he worked well with Stephanie and Richard, and they would've kept him away from Antonia), and he kept getting stuck with Captain GreasyHead and Soup-Boy.

Great recap, as always.

mikeinbama said...

What the fuck are they waiting for to get rid of Lisa? She is horrible, hell I can make rice. Once again her seasoning is a hot mess. She must be doing something behind the scenes to stay. She better hope their next challenge is not boiling a pot of rice because she is going to become un-fucking glued.

I swear I hate HER! Dale is a better chef than that bitch. She haven't cooked one thing right this year.

Great Recap: This weeks highlights that made me laugh.

Richard doesn’t speak Babymama

Lisa suggests a “serve-yourself” soup, because nothing says fine-dining like a big pot of soup, a ladle, and a stack of bowls.

Andrew and Mark slink back into obscurity.

Ted and Padma attempt to hide their “culinary boners” by placing the tacky purple and silver napkins in their laps.

Dale, please pack your knives and go”. What?!? Holy Billie Jean King – Greasy Lisa is still here!!!

I swear if Lisa doesn't go next week, I'm officially going to get a culinary boner and destroy my TV.

Mel Francis said...

You're right on the money here.

The one thing that I found so amusing was that the judges saw right through Spike's weasley ways.

I think the only reason Lisa is still on the show is because she's just so slippery from all that hair grease, so she just keeps sliding by...

*~~*Inger*~~* said...

Good God in Heaven WHAT does Lisa have to do, or NOT do to get eliminated?! And how does she manage to screw up rice TWICE???????????

And Spike? Pure Dumb Luck.

Mel Francis said...


Richard doesn’t speak Babymama


sfoofie said...

"Spike: Through “guile or luck”, that sneaky bastard was smart enough to let Dale and Lisa destroy each other. The shit-eating grin on Spike’s face says it all. That bastard lives to see another challenge."
I can sum up the latest three episodes with "Spike is a tricky bitch." Yeah, the judges see through it, but he's still there! I knew Dale was a goner the minute he became head of the team. They ALWAYS get rid of the executive chef of the restaurant wars team. This time was a wrong choice. Lisa might as well break up cigarettes into rice and she'll still somehow manage to get by. OOH she has a bacon cooking technique - WHO DOESN'T? It almost makes me want to vote Dale as a fan favorite. This also was a strange episode because it was the first time in restaurant wars history that a team pulled off perfection. I really missed more train-wreckage on the unbeatable team. OVERALL: *sigh*

Kwana said...

Perfect recap as always. It will be forever before I'm over it. I hope Tom came back to rip them all a new one for getting rid of Dale over Lisa!

Psychomom said...

I cried with Dale, that emotional bastard, who knew. It is just not right when a coin toss decides your fate. However I loved all the funny names you gave team budda and I am so going out and buying a brown wrap dress and boots.

Come to me Papi Boozehound, I have some Laksa to go with you over hard eggs (giggle).

Love your sarcastic wit!

Penelope J said...

First time visitor to your blog and it was hilarious. I'll definitely be coming back to read more your recaps.

I haaate Lisa! God, she's hideous and has a horrible personality. Spike is an uber-douche and I can't wait until he leaves. Though Dale could be loud and obnoxious at times, at least he was talented and created dishes that I wanted to try. Spike, Lisa, and Antonio haven't made one thing that I've wanted to taste. The three of them deserved to be eliminated before Dale.

I also felt a bit sad when Dale began crying in his interview. Made me like him a bit more because I realize that he's just a really emotional guy.

Meeg said...

I can't believe they sent Dale home over Lisa. Butterscotch scallops does sound disgusting and I guess they never stray from their Eliminate the Leader philosophy, but bitch cannot cook rice! (when she was having trouble I was like "aah, rice -- Lisa's old enemy"). Plus her other dish sucked. Plus I just hate her. Smarmy Spike was lucky as well. Not that I liked Dale so much but he was clearly a better chef than both of those two.

Beth said...

the butterscotch scallops....eeeewwwww!!!! YUK! that just sounds so gross, let alone the taste....and who knew dale would be a cry baby, with all of his "fuck you" and ball grabbing he did...he cried! Like a girl!!! Gawd, if they could just get rid of Lesbian Lisa...I can. not. stand. her!!!! EEEWWWWW!!!!!

and I too, thought Archie would win. I was surprised when they said "Cook"...but what a BORING show!!! One long commercial is all it was....I kept changing the channel. I've learned that you only need to watch the last 3 minutes! But I miised bryan Adams, which I am not happy about...he used to be a big fantasy for me!! ;)

love you Tranny!

mikeinbama said...

I gave you a shout out on my journal.

Aunt Murry said...

You are too funny!Thanks ffr stopping by my blog

Eileen said...

Hooray for David Cook!!! I can't take Lisa one more week. I think she didn't get booted out because Tom wasn't there. They just went by this week because they don't know how crappy Lisa's been in the past. Since they both sucked this week the week they went with the Executive Chef. Dale has been much better than Lisa and they probably didn't know it.

Timmy said...

Wasn't the term Willy Wonka used to describe the butterscotch scallops? They just sound gross. I like butterscotch and I like scallops but uh...not together.

I figure the main reason they sent Dale home is because he was the leader and all he has cooked is Asian so they figured he should have taken charge...and then the scallops didn't help.

However, how can you screw up rice two weeks in a row and still be on the show?

quartergoddess said...

Lisa's greasy hair grosses me out the way Howie's drippy forehead did last season. Ewww!

Howard said...

For the second week in a row, I would have been more than happy to see the bottom 3 leave. Just get out, never to be seen on my TV again. not even on the finale. And I might be a horrible human, but seeing Douchy cry did nothing to my cold, cold heart. Perhaps I was too busy wondering how could Spike have sex with a lesbian, since I don't think Richard has enough imagination to have gay sex, instead wasting his mind on intriguing headwear to accentuate the fauxhawk.

Fantastic recap, making me literally laugh out loud, but I expect no less. That, and a some lies about me not looking as old as I am once you meet me. But I bet you can do that well, since our people not only get bitchy with our bad selves, we also lie to make one another feel good, until our backs are turned...

Next week I expect Moanin' Lisa to get the boot, and even want it to happen. But it scares me that Spike will be Top 4, since the producers like to give smacked arses the title [yes, I am talking about Ilan and Hung, with a special nod to Tiffani and Marcel, who I loved even if he was a freak). How they slipped up with Harold and gave the title to a good guy, I don't know.

And as for Idol, I was disappointed, and have to ask how much credibility with the rockers be giving the boy who won the karaoke contest? So, give it up, and try to make some guitar-driven pop [ask Daughtry for examples] and quit with the delusions of grandeur.

Woo, maybe I need to put the bitchy away for an little bit.

Thanks David, you hot tranny mess!

John said...

"Dale was “smooth” (but doesn’t take direction AT ALL)"

...And that explains Dale in a nutshell. But MAN I am counting down the days until Spike-o is gone. Too bad I missed it last night (was 35,000 feet somewhere over Kansas at the time, en route to LA). But Bravo tends to re-run these "Creative Competition" shows over and over and over, so I'll just catch it over the next week. It'll probably air, like, 250 times.

Jimbo said...

Sweet Jesus! Dan wasn't kidding when he said you were very detail-oriented when it comes to Top Chef! Great synopsis. LOVE the picture of crying Dale!


Howard said...

And Buddhalicious is pure genius. Just artistry.

Joy said...

I don't know what happened to Dale this week. He was really off on all of it. Moana Lisa is the one who should have gone, though. She totally screwed up. It was just wrong.

Wonderful recap as always, in fact even better than usual, and that's saying something!

Mwah!! xoxoxoxox

iko said...

I'm really upset about Dale, still, after two kind of makes me wonder if I'm a little too invested in this show. That said, that picture of Dale sums up the entire episode (and my feelings about it) perfectly.

jennifer from pittsburgh said...

Best Top Chef recaps! Team loser screamed, 'Loser' before the show even started.
I was shocked to see Dale go, but Lisa and Spike should be following on his heels rather quickly.

Kyle/TheBookPolice said...

The more I think about it, the more pissed off I get at Spike and Lisa still being in the competition at this point, over Dale and even Andrew.

Spike is killing the show.

David Dust said...

Thanks everybody for your compliments - as always, that NEVER gets old.

This episode, for some reason, was easy for me to recap - unlike last week. I think the general rule is the easier it is for me to recap, the funnier the recap. And I have to say, I was happy with the result this week (UNLIKE last week).

So we seem to be kind of split - about 60% of you want Lisa to go, and about 40% of you want Spike to go next week. And it IS amazing that one of those two losers will make it to the final four. Ugh.

I think I'm going to have to go with the Lisa side on this one. Yes, it annoys me to no end that Spike has managed to sneak his way in the top five. But if he's conniving enough to get this far - then I guess he deserves it. He does NOT deserve to be in the top3. And he seems to own a bottle of shampoo - unlike Moana Lisa.

I have a feeling that we're in for a surprise in the final 3. The producers have been making noises about the final 3 NOT being obvious. I am going to go out on a limb and say RICHARD may be going home...

What do you guys think?...

Maria said...

You have no idea how much I love your recaps and how much I look forward to them...Thank you for all you do.

And I am on the no love for lisa side of the vote. She is just a nasty little person all around. However,I have to say that I would probably be just as defensive if I were being criticized on camera and knew that I had slimy hair.

barrie said...

You know how all those people who liked Jericho (you know who you are people!) sent all those peaNUTS (that's for David since I know he likes nuts!) to NBC to try to keep it from getting canceled? (another ref. to the "things white people like" person - there really OUGHT to be TWO L's in canceled!) Anyway, maybe we should all send bottles of shampoo to Bravo to try to nudge Lisa into getting ousted next week :-)

Gotta say, I hate them both equally. I am NOT ok with Richard not making the final three. No no no! That actually might be enough for me to stop watching forever - well until next season at least ;-)

Howard said...

The producers have always had a fondness for asshats, so it would not surprise me if Spike were to make it to the final 3. It would not surprise me if Richard is the one sent packing, because I think the producers would like to do something they have yet to do, crown a woman as Top Chef. Since that can't possibly be Moanin' Lisa [a Top Chef needs to be able to cook rice], that leaves Antonia and Stephanie, and I wouldn't be surprised if they are the last two standing, with Stephanie winning.

jami said...

So nice and snarky!

I did kind of feel badly for Dale when he started crying. Didn't know he had it in him.

And don't even get me started on Andrew. I could barely sit still when he was on the screen. I thought it was because he seemed to have borderline personality disorder or something like that; didn't even think of crystal meth...

Enjoyed your review!

kenito799 said...

You have by far the BEST TC recaps out there. Thanks!

I am far more annoyed by Spike than Lisa (even though he is annoyingly a little bit easy on the eyes at times). Lisa is nasty but I respect her much more than sneaky evil Spike.

It is awful that Dale lost because he is the opposite of Spike--passionate about food and not a bit interested in playing the "game". His food was the most consistently excellent and the food I have wanted to eat all season. If he had not botched those scallops, MAYBE that would have tipped the scales and Lisa would be out. And if he had lost that coin toss, he would definitely still be around! It suck for all of us!

chinamomxtwo said...

you are too damn funny. great recap.
Lisa and Spike gotta go!!

Berry Blog said...

What a gift for coining words you have and capsulating character behavior in a couple of precisely chosen words but again and again. What a command of language! I loved your recap even more than the show.Two sides to every coin, if you can be this devastating, what a heart melter you must be as a lover!

David Dust said...

Charlie -

Yeah, that's right, I just atrract all the mens with my witty banter and language skills - it works every time :) Aaahh, if it was only that easy...

Actually, I've found that the ones with only a basic command of the English language (and fluency in Spanish) are usually a SURE BET in the sack! Not the "literate" ones.


Polgarra said...

Wow, Neither lisa nor Spike deserve to be in the same kitchen as Antonia, Richard or Stephanie. I think Dale deserved to be there over lisa or Spike. Tools.

Tracy said...

What a hilarious recap. Right on the money ... except for one thing ... and you may not be aware of this ... Padma can't get a boner, culinary or otherwise. I mean, she can get one, but she can't have one. I mean ... oh gosh, never mind...

JG said...

I've got to stop reading this at work cause I'm so gonna get fired for laughing uncontrollably out loud

Your recaps never let me down...Keep 'em coming (pun intended???)

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