First of all, I have to say how much I hate Bloggers who start their recaps with complaints about the show they’re about to rehash. It doesn’t give the reader much motivation to continue reading. But this time I’ve got to say it: last night’s episode was the MOST predictable in Top Chef History. And for some reason the producers needed an extra 15 minutes to tell this MOST predictable story. I felt somewhat violated and used by Bravo, and just a little trashy after it was all over. And not in a “I think that go-go boy stole my wallet but at least the sex was good” kind of way.
So I won’t be offended if you stop reading here. Just go directly to the “comments” section and say how FAB-U-LOUS my recap was, and we’ll call it even. Yes, I’m encouraging you to lie – for the sake of my fragile ego.
For those of you kind enough to march ahead, here we go.
During last week’s “warm and fuzzy” episode, Antonia won both the Quickfire and the Elimination challenges, we found out Nikki was raised by a single parent (which didn’t impress the judges), racist rice is fast and convenient, and Kiwi Mark was sent packing. CRIKEY! Read my recap here.
This week’s episode opens on a sunny morning with Andrew attacking Spike in his bed. Now that Mark is gone, Andrew has no rival for Spike’s affections – so the formerly fat and currently insane Andrew decides to go for it. And by the looks of things, Andrew is a top.
Spike is really bummed about Mark’s departure. Those drunken bubble baths were fun – and Spike’s orifices have never been so clean. Andrew lies and says he too misses Mark, but that’s all a ploy to get back into Spike’s pants. A dude will say ANYTHING for a shot at a clean orifice. Trust me.
Quickfire Challenge
The cheftestants enter the kitchen, and we see Padma with Tom Colicchio – Top Chef’s Head Judge. The producers obviously ran out of ideas (and famous Chefs willing to work with racist rice) – so they had to go in-house for this challenge.
Padma informs everyone that the Quickfire winners will no longer have immunity. She also says that they are bringing back two challenges which have been featured in past seasons. Because if you want to make a show exciting during May Sweeps, you should just repeat stuff you’ve done before.
The cheftestants will be separated into two teams, which is done by the traditional “knife pull”. In case you’re unfamiliar – instead of flipping a coin or drawing straws to provide randomness, they ‘pull knives’ which reveal a word or symbol. Here are the two teams:
Team “Fork”: Nikki, Spike, Lisa, and Dale – heretofore known as “The Losers”
So I won’t be offended if you stop reading here. Just go directly to the “comments” section and say how FAB-U-LOUS my recap was, and we’ll call it even. Yes, I’m encouraging you to lie – for the sake of my fragile ego.
For those of you kind enough to march ahead, here we go.
During last week’s “warm and fuzzy” episode, Antonia won both the Quickfire and the Elimination challenges, we found out Nikki was raised by a single parent (which didn’t impress the judges), racist rice is fast and convenient, and Kiwi Mark was sent packing. CRIKEY! Read my recap here.
This week’s episode opens on a sunny morning with Andrew attacking Spike in his bed. Now that Mark is gone, Andrew has no rival for Spike’s affections – so the formerly fat and currently insane Andrew decides to go for it. And by the looks of things, Andrew is a top.
Spike is really bummed about Mark’s departure. Those drunken bubble baths were fun – and Spike’s orifices have never been so clean. Andrew lies and says he too misses Mark, but that’s all a ploy to get back into Spike’s pants. A dude will say ANYTHING for a shot at a clean orifice. Trust me.
Quickfire Challenge
The cheftestants enter the kitchen, and we see Padma with Tom Colicchio – Top Chef’s Head Judge. The producers obviously ran out of ideas (and famous Chefs willing to work with racist rice) – so they had to go in-house for this challenge.
Padma informs everyone that the Quickfire winners will no longer have immunity. She also says that they are bringing back two challenges which have been featured in past seasons. Because if you want to make a show exciting during May Sweeps, you should just repeat stuff you’ve done before.
The cheftestants will be separated into two teams, which is done by the traditional “knife pull”. In case you’re unfamiliar – instead of flipping a coin or drawing straws to provide randomness, they ‘pull knives’ which reveal a word or symbol. Here are the two teams:
Team “Fork”: Nikki, Spike, Lisa, and Dale – heretofore known as “The Losers”
Team “Spoon”: Andrew, Antonia, Richard, and Stephanie – which we will refer to as “Team Winner”
There has NEVER been a more lopsided contest in the history of “reality” television. The members of Team Winner have won the vast majority of the challenges – and are simply better chefs than the members of Team Loser. This is like the New York Yankees playing the New Jersey Little League champs. It’s not going to be pretty.
Padma tells them that they will be doing the always-popular Relay Race. This season’s relay will consist of 4 items: oranges, artichokes, monkfish and homemade mayonnaise. The teams must quickly decide who does what.
Team Loser immediately displays their dysfunction. No one wants to do mayonnaise – and it’s pissing Dale off. Of course Dale also hates puppies and springtime, so this isn’t a surprise. He is pissed that Nikki is “scared” of making mayo by hand, and asks the question: “why are you still here?!?”. He’s not the only one asking that question.
Chef Tom blows the whistle and the relay begins:
Antonia and Lisa start with oranges – Lisa is good with her fruit (and her blade) and creates a big lead.
Andrew and Spike face off with artichokes. Spike has a head start, but Andrew is using a peeler and catches up. Both teams finish even.
Richard and Dale are next – filleting Monkfish. Richard is talented (predictably), and Dale is fast but sloppy (predictably). Both teams are still even.
Finally, Stephanie and Nikki go head-to-head in making mayo. Stephanie is going slow and steady and looks like she’s cruising to a win. Douchy Dale has worked himself into a lather and is screaming words of ‘encouragement’ to Nikki. “Come on Staten Island!!!”, he yells – attempting to appeal to her New York pride. But then he screams something about “Strong Island” – which is the nickname for Long Island and NOT Staten Island. This team can’t even cheer correctly.
Nikki decides to stop and take “a break” because she’s tired and Stephanie wins the Quickfire for Team Winner. If I were Nikki, I’d blame Dale and his ‘Strong Island’ bullshit…
Now Dale is REALLY pissed. All 5 feet, 5 inches of him. He angrily punches the kitchen locker and screams “FUCK!!!!!!” Hey buddy, YOU are the one that doesn’t know “Strong Island” from the “Boogie-Down Bronx” or “Money-Earnin’ Mount Vernon”. All the warm and fuzziness I felt for Dale during the last challenge has gone – and he is back to being “Douchy Dale”.
Elimination Challenge
Padma asks if everyone remembers the “Restaurant Wars” from past seasons. This was when two teams went head-to-head and opened competing restaurants – planning the menu, décor and coordinating the service. Everyone grins and nods “yes”, and is obviously excited.
Padma then informs them they will NOT be doing Restaurant Wars this week. In keeping with this season’s (unintentional?) theme of being “Top Caterer” and NOT Top Chef – the cheftestants will be competing in a Wedding War!
We meet Corey and JP – a young couple who will be getting married TOMORROW. Talk about waiting until the last minute to plan the reception! The cheftestants all have a “Padma-say-what?!?” look on their faces. One team will cook for the Brides’ 125 guests, and the other will cook for the Groom’s side.
The winners of the Quickfire – Team Winner – get to choose which one they want to cook for – bride or groom. The obvious choice would be to pick the groom, because you know the bride is gonna be all “I want ‘blush’ and ‘bashful’ frosting on EVERYTHING!” – and the groom is gonna be all “whatever dude – LET’S PARTY!”.
So naturally Richard picks the BRIDE. Did you REALLY think that the future winner of this season (you KNOW he’s gonna win) was going to take the easy way out? Nope, neither did I.
Each team will have $5,000 to spend at Whole Foods and Restaurant Depot – and they will work for the next 14 hours.
Andrew springs his much-anticipated “culinary boner”, because working all night is good for him. I bet he has Crystal Meth in his kitchen locker (labeled “Sea Salt”) so an all-nighter would be no problem. Or an all-weeker.
Team Loser/Groom meets with JP. Nikki IMMEDIATELY starts hitting on him – sensing that she only has 14 hours until yet another man becomes unavailable. She does NOT want her children raised by a single parent like she was. Because she WAS raised by a single parent, you know. Ask her about it sometime.
The groom likes Italian food – and Nikki is Italian – so she is totally kissing his ass. Every time he says anything, she answers with “that’s exactly how I feel”. I guess a gal will ALSO say anything to get a piece. I wonder how clean his orifices are?...
Team Winner/Bride meets with Corey. She is from the South, and Richard tries the Nikki approach of bonding – since he and Corey are both from the Atlanta area. He’s not nearly as smooth as Nikki, and the bride ain’t biting. Team Winner DOES manage to find out that Corey loves cake. THAT should be helpful.
Corey and JP leave the kitchen to prepare for their big day tomorrow. I’m sure they still have to find a wedding gown and rent a tux – but they have a few hours, so they should be just fine.
Team Loser has decided to make LoserNikki the unofficial leader because of her Italian background, and LesbianLoserLisa has offered to be “her bitch”. Nikki talks about how no one wants to work with LoserDale because he “points fingers” and “doesn’t work well with others”. Dale says he hates Lisa, and basically the vibe on his team is “everyone hates everyone”. Is that “sweet victory” I’m smelling over at Team Loser? ... No?? … OK.
Time for shopping. Over at Team Winner, the gals go in search of meat, and Richard and Andrew look for flowers. Only Richard’s familiarity with Martha Stewart (and a text message exchange with the gals) prevents him from purchasing droopy sunflowers. LoserLisa and LoserDale are forced to spend time together shopping, and I’m still smelling victory for them. Or maybe my cat just farted. Yeah, my cat DEFINITELY farted.
Back at the Top Chef Kitchen, the countdown begins … 14 hours until the wedding. I wonder if the happy couple has sent out the invitations yet?...
Team Loser has decided on the theme “Simple Italian” – and LoserNikki states “I can’t believe I’m making pasta again”. Yes indeed – THAT’S a shocker! LoserLisa is in charge of the groom’s cake – having been the groom at her Lesbian Wedding. She knows what dudes like and I am praying she makes a cake shaped like boobs. And LoserDale has a lot on his plate but says “I can handle that shit”. Dale be from the streets yo.
Over at Team Winner, everyone has their clear responsibilities and they all seem to be working well together. They have chosen “Meat and Potatoes” as their theme. Antonia is doing most of the appetizers, Stephanie is in charge of the bride’s cake, Richard is the “meat man”, and Andrew is in charge of Creamed Spinach – because tweakers can’t be trusted with complicated tasks.
It turns out that Andrew has NEVER made Creamed Spinach and he’s experiencing “Popeye’s Wet Dream” at the moment. Andrew LOVES the penis references, doesn’t he?. Richard gives Andrew some advice on how to adjust the flavor a little, which Andrew resents. He doesn’t need Richard “chiming in” with his “bullshit” and that Meth must be really kicking in right now.
The members of Team Loser are looking to Nikki for leadership, but she’s having none of it. She knows the reality competition rule – team leaders go home. But she’s the one with all the Italian knowledge (plus she basically raped the groom during their meeting) so the rest of these losers need answers. “I’m down with NOT making all the decisions”, she says. Reach for the stars Nikki!
This makes LoserDale angry. Surprised? Me neither. Rainbows and Kermit the Frog pissed him off as a bitter Filipino child. But Dale is upset about the lack of leadership, and he’s picking up all the slack and doing the “bullshit work”. Meanwhile, LoserLisa and LoserNikki are talking shit behind Dale’s back – and so is LoserSpike. Sneaky Spike decides to “help” Dale by taking over the Sea Bass dish. He decides if he concentrates on one dish, and does that one dish well, it will be an “ace in his pocket” that will impress the judges. Spike is one tricky bitch. With clean orifices.
Time is marching on and everyone is getting tired. Nikki now claims that she didn’t want to do pasta – her TEAMMATES wanted her to do it. She has a “Ragu” dispute with Dale, who correctly says Nikki “wants control, but not responsibility”. Nikki says she is “dizzy”, “tired”, and “dehydrated” and has NEVER wanted to sleep more in her life. She should see if she can score some Meth from Andrew – who is so high he has now stopped talking.
Chef Tom comes in for a visit with a cheerful and hearty “Good Morning”! The exhausted Cheftestants all have knives in their hands, and suddenly I fear for Tom’s life. Luckily they don’t stab him – but they are so tired at this point they can’t even think or talk right. Tom gives them some advice: this is an important day – a WEDDING – so they shouldn’t “dumb down” the food. But at this point it’s too late. These bitches be DUMB – especially Team Loser.
Tom makes some observations. Team Loser’s cake looks like a brown battleship, but Lisa claims the groom didn’t want to outshine the bride in the cake department. No chance of that. And Chef Tom calls Team Winner a “strong team”, which is like calling Tiger Woods a “good golfer”. Don’t “dumb it down” Tom! Everyone packs their stuff up and heads to the wedding venue.
Commercial break. Time for the Bravo Text Poll! “Which Chef Annoys You The Most”?, they ask. Oooooohhh – this should be fun! Wait, there’s only THREE CHOICES. There are still 8 bitches up in this competition! How could they possibly narrow it down to three??? The three they chose were Dale, Lisa, and Spike. Please note that ALL THREE are doomed members of Team Loser.
It’s now the day of the wedding, and the guests have gathered on someone’s lawn. The wind is blowing and I’m wondering who in the hell would plan an outdoor wedding in Chicago? But I guess when you book the venue two hours before arrival, you take what you can get.
Padma introduces the judges: Tom Colicchio, Gail Simmons, and Gale Gand – one of the top pastry chefs in Chicago.
We see the wedding ceremony: love, honor, tears, kiss … blah, blah, blah. I hate weddings. Mazel Tov, bitches!
It’s the cocktail hour, and time for the hors d’oeuvres. Everyone seems to likee Team Winner’s selections (shocking!), but Team Loser is passing some Bruschetta made with denture-destroying cement crostini. LoserLisa notes that all of Team Losers trays are stocked. If the well-stocked trays are the absolute BEST thing you can say about your appetizers, then you are in serious trouble.
The guests are seated for dinner, the newly-married couple is announced, and everyone hits the buffet.
Over at Team Winner’s buffet – Antonia and Richard are serving and schmoozing, Stephanie is running and restocking, and Andrew (and his culinary boner) is kept locked in the kitchen and far away from the guests. Antonia and Richard are predictably charming, and the guests and judges seem to enjoy the food coming from Team Winner. Shocking.
Team Loser, on the other hand, is giving off a whole different vibe. First of all, Nikki (who is a blithering idiot at this point) and ever-so-ladylike Lisa are serving. Personally, I don’t want Lisa anywhere near my tortellini. Team Loser’s only saving grace is that Spike is ALSO serving, and the middle-aged women are ALL OVER him. Of course they say they like his fish dish, but you just know they heard about his sparkling clean orifices. Word gets around. Trust me.
The guests and judges don’t seem to enjoy Team Loser’s cuisine. Padma is making faces, and Tom is bitching about the pasta. I know, shocking!
Time to cut the cake. Stephanie’s bride’s cake is a gorgeous, multi-tiered extravaganza – decorated with colorful frosting and fresh flowers. Lisa’s Lesbian cake is brown and looks like the three-story headquarters of an auto insurance company . Lisa is beaming like the friggin’ BRIDE and I’m convinced ALL these bitches are high. She seriously calls it “pretty”, but then again – she IS a lesbian.
Service is over, and it’s off to the Not-So-Glad Storage Room. No one even has the energy to talk – just yawn – which is also what I’m doing . I want to get to bed just as much as these bitches do – so let’s get moving!
Team Winner is called in, and after a minor controversy over the Creamed Spinach, Team Winner is announced to be …. The LOSERS!!!! No, I’m just messing with you, they totally won. Richard is the winner (again, shocking), but he ends up sharing his win (and his $2,000 Crate & Barrel gift card) with Stephanie for making the cake. Yawn.
Team Loser is called in. They line up with folded arms and bad attitudes, ready to defend themselves. They look like a kitchen street gang – with the do-rag wearing LesbianLisa as the leader.
First of all, Chef Tom wants to know “who was driving the bus” on this ITALIAN challenge… “Definitely not me!!”, Nikki immediately exclaims. Oh shit.
Chef Tom asks who suggested the Antipasto Bar – and Nikki say’s “the groom”. All of a sudden, Nikki wasn’t even NEAR the scene of this crime.
Here is their exchange – or at least how I remember it in my sleepy mind:
Tom: “Who did the tortellini”
Nikki: “Not me”
Tom: “Who did the dry-ass pizza”
Nikki: “Your Mama”
Tom: “Who did the overcooked meat”
Nikki: “Outback Steakhouse”
Tom: “Were you even in the kitchen on the night in question”
Nikki: “I do not recall, Your Honor”
Tom: “Are you now, or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?” …
Well, it was something like that. Actually, you can see the lack of sleep (and probably a few drinks) start to take over in the cheftestants. The members of Team Loser start to turn on each other and suddenly it’s on and poppin’. Dale starts bitching about how he did everything – hinting that some others didn’t pull their weight and looking at Spike. Spike starts egging him on…
Spike: “Get it all out Dude!”.
Dale: “Dude, I hustled, I straight-up hustled” (remember, Dale be from the streets).
Spike: “Point some fingers Man!”
Dale “I banged it out today”
Spike: “I banged Andrew today”
Or something like that. Gail interrupts and asked who did the Sea Bass? Spike chimes in and says HE did. Gail replies that everyone really liked it (especially the ladies), and Spike’s ace in his pocket has worked.
But Dale bursts his bubble with the best phrase of the night: “You should have liked it, it took him three hours to make!”. And on that note, they leave the judges to do their judging.
Back in the Not-So-Glad Storage Room, Spike is drinking and Nikki is telling Dale that not to be “that guy”. Too late, Dale has been “That Guy” since the age of three. And apparently he’s also the ‘Most Annoying’ to Bravo viewers – with 46% of the text poll vote.
Team Loser comes back in front of the judges, and Nikki is sent home. In her parting words, she says she is “extremely proud of what I did” (really?) and will continue moving “full speed ahead” – right back to ‘Strong Island’.
There has NEVER been a more lopsided contest in the history of “reality” television. The members of Team Winner have won the vast majority of the challenges – and are simply better chefs than the members of Team Loser. This is like the New York Yankees playing the New Jersey Little League champs. It’s not going to be pretty.
Padma tells them that they will be doing the always-popular Relay Race. This season’s relay will consist of 4 items: oranges, artichokes, monkfish and homemade mayonnaise. The teams must quickly decide who does what.
Team Loser immediately displays their dysfunction. No one wants to do mayonnaise – and it’s pissing Dale off. Of course Dale also hates puppies and springtime, so this isn’t a surprise. He is pissed that Nikki is “scared” of making mayo by hand, and asks the question: “why are you still here?!?”. He’s not the only one asking that question.
Chef Tom blows the whistle and the relay begins:
Antonia and Lisa start with oranges – Lisa is good with her fruit (and her blade) and creates a big lead.
Andrew and Spike face off with artichokes. Spike has a head start, but Andrew is using a peeler and catches up. Both teams finish even.
Richard and Dale are next – filleting Monkfish. Richard is talented (predictably), and Dale is fast but sloppy (predictably). Both teams are still even.
Finally, Stephanie and Nikki go head-to-head in making mayo. Stephanie is going slow and steady and looks like she’s cruising to a win. Douchy Dale has worked himself into a lather and is screaming words of ‘encouragement’ to Nikki. “Come on Staten Island!!!”, he yells – attempting to appeal to her New York pride. But then he screams something about “Strong Island” – which is the nickname for Long Island and NOT Staten Island. This team can’t even cheer correctly.
Nikki decides to stop and take “a break” because she’s tired and Stephanie wins the Quickfire for Team Winner. If I were Nikki, I’d blame Dale and his ‘Strong Island’ bullshit…
Now Dale is REALLY pissed. All 5 feet, 5 inches of him. He angrily punches the kitchen locker and screams “FUCK!!!!!!” Hey buddy, YOU are the one that doesn’t know “Strong Island” from the “Boogie-Down Bronx” or “Money-Earnin’ Mount Vernon”. All the warm and fuzziness I felt for Dale during the last challenge has gone – and he is back to being “Douchy Dale”.
Elimination Challenge
Padma asks if everyone remembers the “Restaurant Wars” from past seasons. This was when two teams went head-to-head and opened competing restaurants – planning the menu, décor and coordinating the service. Everyone grins and nods “yes”, and is obviously excited.
Padma then informs them they will NOT be doing Restaurant Wars this week. In keeping with this season’s (unintentional?) theme of being “Top Caterer” and NOT Top Chef – the cheftestants will be competing in a Wedding War!
We meet Corey and JP – a young couple who will be getting married TOMORROW. Talk about waiting until the last minute to plan the reception! The cheftestants all have a “Padma-say-what?!?” look on their faces. One team will cook for the Brides’ 125 guests, and the other will cook for the Groom’s side.
The winners of the Quickfire – Team Winner – get to choose which one they want to cook for – bride or groom. The obvious choice would be to pick the groom, because you know the bride is gonna be all “I want ‘blush’ and ‘bashful’ frosting on EVERYTHING!” – and the groom is gonna be all “whatever dude – LET’S PARTY!”.
So naturally Richard picks the BRIDE. Did you REALLY think that the future winner of this season (you KNOW he’s gonna win) was going to take the easy way out? Nope, neither did I.
Each team will have $5,000 to spend at Whole Foods and Restaurant Depot – and they will work for the next 14 hours.
Andrew springs his much-anticipated “culinary boner”, because working all night is good for him. I bet he has Crystal Meth in his kitchen locker (labeled “Sea Salt”) so an all-nighter would be no problem. Or an all-weeker.
Team Loser/Groom meets with JP. Nikki IMMEDIATELY starts hitting on him – sensing that she only has 14 hours until yet another man becomes unavailable. She does NOT want her children raised by a single parent like she was. Because she WAS raised by a single parent, you know. Ask her about it sometime.
The groom likes Italian food – and Nikki is Italian – so she is totally kissing his ass. Every time he says anything, she answers with “that’s exactly how I feel”. I guess a gal will ALSO say anything to get a piece. I wonder how clean his orifices are?...
Team Winner/Bride meets with Corey. She is from the South, and Richard tries the Nikki approach of bonding – since he and Corey are both from the Atlanta area. He’s not nearly as smooth as Nikki, and the bride ain’t biting. Team Winner DOES manage to find out that Corey loves cake. THAT should be helpful.
Corey and JP leave the kitchen to prepare for their big day tomorrow. I’m sure they still have to find a wedding gown and rent a tux – but they have a few hours, so they should be just fine.
Team Loser has decided to make LoserNikki the unofficial leader because of her Italian background, and LesbianLoserLisa has offered to be “her bitch”. Nikki talks about how no one wants to work with LoserDale because he “points fingers” and “doesn’t work well with others”. Dale says he hates Lisa, and basically the vibe on his team is “everyone hates everyone”. Is that “sweet victory” I’m smelling over at Team Loser? ... No?? … OK.
Time for shopping. Over at Team Winner, the gals go in search of meat, and Richard and Andrew look for flowers. Only Richard’s familiarity with Martha Stewart (and a text message exchange with the gals) prevents him from purchasing droopy sunflowers. LoserLisa and LoserDale are forced to spend time together shopping, and I’m still smelling victory for them. Or maybe my cat just farted. Yeah, my cat DEFINITELY farted.
Back at the Top Chef Kitchen, the countdown begins … 14 hours until the wedding. I wonder if the happy couple has sent out the invitations yet?...
Team Loser has decided on the theme “Simple Italian” – and LoserNikki states “I can’t believe I’m making pasta again”. Yes indeed – THAT’S a shocker! LoserLisa is in charge of the groom’s cake – having been the groom at her Lesbian Wedding. She knows what dudes like and I am praying she makes a cake shaped like boobs. And LoserDale has a lot on his plate but says “I can handle that shit”. Dale be from the streets yo.
Over at Team Winner, everyone has their clear responsibilities and they all seem to be working well together. They have chosen “Meat and Potatoes” as their theme. Antonia is doing most of the appetizers, Stephanie is in charge of the bride’s cake, Richard is the “meat man”, and Andrew is in charge of Creamed Spinach – because tweakers can’t be trusted with complicated tasks.
It turns out that Andrew has NEVER made Creamed Spinach and he’s experiencing “Popeye’s Wet Dream” at the moment. Andrew LOVES the penis references, doesn’t he?. Richard gives Andrew some advice on how to adjust the flavor a little, which Andrew resents. He doesn’t need Richard “chiming in” with his “bullshit” and that Meth must be really kicking in right now.
The members of Team Loser are looking to Nikki for leadership, but she’s having none of it. She knows the reality competition rule – team leaders go home. But she’s the one with all the Italian knowledge (plus she basically raped the groom during their meeting) so the rest of these losers need answers. “I’m down with NOT making all the decisions”, she says. Reach for the stars Nikki!
This makes LoserDale angry. Surprised? Me neither. Rainbows and Kermit the Frog pissed him off as a bitter Filipino child. But Dale is upset about the lack of leadership, and he’s picking up all the slack and doing the “bullshit work”. Meanwhile, LoserLisa and LoserNikki are talking shit behind Dale’s back – and so is LoserSpike. Sneaky Spike decides to “help” Dale by taking over the Sea Bass dish. He decides if he concentrates on one dish, and does that one dish well, it will be an “ace in his pocket” that will impress the judges. Spike is one tricky bitch. With clean orifices.
Time is marching on and everyone is getting tired. Nikki now claims that she didn’t want to do pasta – her TEAMMATES wanted her to do it. She has a “Ragu” dispute with Dale, who correctly says Nikki “wants control, but not responsibility”. Nikki says she is “dizzy”, “tired”, and “dehydrated” and has NEVER wanted to sleep more in her life. She should see if she can score some Meth from Andrew – who is so high he has now stopped talking.
Chef Tom comes in for a visit with a cheerful and hearty “Good Morning”! The exhausted Cheftestants all have knives in their hands, and suddenly I fear for Tom’s life. Luckily they don’t stab him – but they are so tired at this point they can’t even think or talk right. Tom gives them some advice: this is an important day – a WEDDING – so they shouldn’t “dumb down” the food. But at this point it’s too late. These bitches be DUMB – especially Team Loser.
Tom makes some observations. Team Loser’s cake looks like a brown battleship, but Lisa claims the groom didn’t want to outshine the bride in the cake department. No chance of that. And Chef Tom calls Team Winner a “strong team”, which is like calling Tiger Woods a “good golfer”. Don’t “dumb it down” Tom! Everyone packs their stuff up and heads to the wedding venue.
Commercial break. Time for the Bravo Text Poll! “Which Chef Annoys You The Most”?, they ask. Oooooohhh – this should be fun! Wait, there’s only THREE CHOICES. There are still 8 bitches up in this competition! How could they possibly narrow it down to three??? The three they chose were Dale, Lisa, and Spike. Please note that ALL THREE are doomed members of Team Loser.
It’s now the day of the wedding, and the guests have gathered on someone’s lawn. The wind is blowing and I’m wondering who in the hell would plan an outdoor wedding in Chicago? But I guess when you book the venue two hours before arrival, you take what you can get.
Padma introduces the judges: Tom Colicchio, Gail Simmons, and Gale Gand – one of the top pastry chefs in Chicago.
We see the wedding ceremony: love, honor, tears, kiss … blah, blah, blah. I hate weddings. Mazel Tov, bitches!
It’s the cocktail hour, and time for the hors d’oeuvres. Everyone seems to likee Team Winner’s selections (shocking!), but Team Loser is passing some Bruschetta made with denture-destroying cement crostini. LoserLisa notes that all of Team Losers trays are stocked. If the well-stocked trays are the absolute BEST thing you can say about your appetizers, then you are in serious trouble.
The guests are seated for dinner, the newly-married couple is announced, and everyone hits the buffet.
Over at Team Winner’s buffet – Antonia and Richard are serving and schmoozing, Stephanie is running and restocking, and Andrew (and his culinary boner) is kept locked in the kitchen and far away from the guests. Antonia and Richard are predictably charming, and the guests and judges seem to enjoy the food coming from Team Winner. Shocking.
Team Loser, on the other hand, is giving off a whole different vibe. First of all, Nikki (who is a blithering idiot at this point) and ever-so-ladylike Lisa are serving. Personally, I don’t want Lisa anywhere near my tortellini. Team Loser’s only saving grace is that Spike is ALSO serving, and the middle-aged women are ALL OVER him. Of course they say they like his fish dish, but you just know they heard about his sparkling clean orifices. Word gets around. Trust me.
The guests and judges don’t seem to enjoy Team Loser’s cuisine. Padma is making faces, and Tom is bitching about the pasta. I know, shocking!
Time to cut the cake. Stephanie’s bride’s cake is a gorgeous, multi-tiered extravaganza – decorated with colorful frosting and fresh flowers. Lisa’s Lesbian cake is brown and looks like the three-story headquarters of an auto insurance company . Lisa is beaming like the friggin’ BRIDE and I’m convinced ALL these bitches are high. She seriously calls it “pretty”, but then again – she IS a lesbian.
Service is over, and it’s off to the Not-So-Glad Storage Room. No one even has the energy to talk – just yawn – which is also what I’m doing . I want to get to bed just as much as these bitches do – so let’s get moving!
Team Winner is called in, and after a minor controversy over the Creamed Spinach, Team Winner is announced to be …. The LOSERS!!!! No, I’m just messing with you, they totally won. Richard is the winner (again, shocking), but he ends up sharing his win (and his $2,000 Crate & Barrel gift card) with Stephanie for making the cake. Yawn.
Team Loser is called in. They line up with folded arms and bad attitudes, ready to defend themselves. They look like a kitchen street gang – with the do-rag wearing LesbianLisa as the leader.
First of all, Chef Tom wants to know “who was driving the bus” on this ITALIAN challenge… “Definitely not me!!”, Nikki immediately exclaims. Oh shit.
Chef Tom asks who suggested the Antipasto Bar – and Nikki say’s “the groom”. All of a sudden, Nikki wasn’t even NEAR the scene of this crime.
Here is their exchange – or at least how I remember it in my sleepy mind:
Tom: “Who did the tortellini”
Nikki: “Not me”
Tom: “Who did the dry-ass pizza”
Nikki: “Your Mama”
Tom: “Who did the overcooked meat”
Nikki: “Outback Steakhouse”
Tom: “Were you even in the kitchen on the night in question”
Nikki: “I do not recall, Your Honor”
Tom: “Are you now, or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?” …
Well, it was something like that. Actually, you can see the lack of sleep (and probably a few drinks) start to take over in the cheftestants. The members of Team Loser start to turn on each other and suddenly it’s on and poppin’. Dale starts bitching about how he did everything – hinting that some others didn’t pull their weight and looking at Spike. Spike starts egging him on…
Spike: “Get it all out Dude!”.
Dale: “Dude, I hustled, I straight-up hustled” (remember, Dale be from the streets).
Spike: “Point some fingers Man!”
Dale “I banged it out today”
Spike: “I banged Andrew today”
Or something like that. Gail interrupts and asked who did the Sea Bass? Spike chimes in and says HE did. Gail replies that everyone really liked it (especially the ladies), and Spike’s ace in his pocket has worked.
But Dale bursts his bubble with the best phrase of the night: “You should have liked it, it took him three hours to make!”. And on that note, they leave the judges to do their judging.
Back in the Not-So-Glad Storage Room, Spike is drinking and Nikki is telling Dale that not to be “that guy”. Too late, Dale has been “That Guy” since the age of three. And apparently he’s also the ‘Most Annoying’ to Bravo viewers – with 46% of the text poll vote.
Team Loser comes back in front of the judges, and Nikki is sent home. In her parting words, she says she is “extremely proud of what I did” (really?) and will continue moving “full speed ahead” – right back to ‘Strong Island’.
Next week: Andrew frightens people, and Dale is going to Hell. Till then bitches!!
39 comments:
These are my favorite one-liners that you ahe given us this week:
Hey buddy, YOU are the one that doesn’t know “Strong Island” from the “Boogie-Down Bronx” or “Money-Earnin’ Mount Vernon”
Andrew springs his much-anticipated “culinary boner”
Andrew is in charge of Creamed Spinach – because tweakers can’t be trusted with complicated tasks
Tom: “Are you now, or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?” …
Tom makes some observations. Team Loser’s cake looks like a brown battleship,
Those were my favorites this week.
Gail Simmons looks like a drunk sorority girl at an open bar. You know she is a completely freak. I can't believe she wasn't hitting on the groomsman. She says the same thing each week during the panel discussions.
Once again, great recap.
DOnt talk about my blog like im not here! ;) They so could have crammed that into an hour, culinary boner and all!
whew this episode was LONG and for what?! i left wanting more of the dale-spike catfight and less of the wedding. ah well.
also i just have to absolutely refuse to believe that lisa's cake tasted good. there's just no way.
Dan - I honestly wasn't thinking of your blog when I bitched about complaining bloggers. Seriously.
XOXOXOXO
Mike and Joe - thanks as always.
I'm totally confused. Who got forked last night again? It must have been me because I continued to read your FAB-U-LOUS recap and got a big ole bloging boner.
Woo Hoo, Douchy Dale and I are going to hell and you have to stay here on earth with Sea Bass Spike and Meth Head Andrew.
Sí, I too am sleep deprived and hating weddings and I hope Nikki doesn't put out a hit on Chef Tom.
Wonderful recap, David. Loved it. I have no idea why they added on the extra 15 minutes. I was all ready for The Daily Show and was derailed! Ugh. I loved you exchange with Nikki and Tom. She was a mess. He was getting nothing out of her. NOTHING!
Check out my recap at
www.kwanawrites.blogspot.com
Wonderful recap, David. Loved it. I have no idea why they added on the extra 15 minutes. I was all ready for The Daily Show and was derailed! Ugh. I loved you exchange with Nikki and Tom. She was a mess. He was getting nothing out of her. NOTHING!
Check out my recap at
www.kwanawrites.blogspot.com
For me,the most surprising thing about episode was learning that Andrew was a top. Who knew? And, do you think the culinary boner was the thought of an all-nighter with Spike and no Mark?
A secondary surprise was the producers thought it appropriate to bring in pastry chef as a judge for a challenge with no pastry, although there were 2 Betty Crocker cakes.
And, finally, when Andrew is using meth, he stops cursing. Here that, Whitney?
As always, David, your recap is stellar, and at no point in time felt as long and oversized as the actual episode. You brilliance astounds!
wowza... great recap :D
Yeah I feel some of the same things:
- Richard is so good he can take a win and gift it to someone less fortunate. Who DOES that?
- I DO feel used by Bravo. I thought my bedtime was at 10 and all of a sudden I'm turning off the TV at 10:15. I was all "Did Bravo just warp time with this predictable dribble?"
- "Spike is one tricky bitch" summarized the episode completely
- Dale is back to douchehood, but I did laugh hysterically when he said "Why are you still here?" I DO think he has talent, but he needs to control that temper. tsk tsk.
- When Antonia says they are just going to keep Andrew in the kitchen and not let him talk to anyone was also hysterical. Who knew there could be such great lines for the night?
- Oh, and, really, please don't let Andrew talk any more. Seriously. "Culinary boner" and "Popeyes wet dream" out of his special ed mouth were just too much.
- Why are they catering so many events? Did Bravo need to quell the racist rice protests with promised caterers at events? Is Chicago "Catering Capital" of America all of a sudden?
I am so glad that you feel about Lisa as I do. I know that I am not gay but can I still hate on her lesbian ass (man maybe Dale and I should talk that was good). Anyway, as always wonderful recap and hilarious. Loved the sparring. Crystal Meth for Andrew? Really? I knew it was something. Tivo Mom
Thank you for making a recap that improved an otherwise dreadful episode. The extra 15-minutes pissed me off because it really wasn't worth it. The winners and losers were so freaking obvious that it killed the fun in watching it.
My favorite part of the recap?
Tom: “Who did the dry-ass pizza”
Nikki: “Your Mama”
You get extra points for not saying "Your Mom," a phrase I've heard from suburbanite kids that has never made any sense to me.
I wouldn't dare leave my wedding up to a t.v. show. It shows a lack of creativity, a desire to be on television, and a strong need to get someone else to pay for it.
Dale may have been the most annoying of the choices given, but Lisa was a close second. And I don't know what weddings Richard has been to, but every wedding I've attended had great food. The cake was often very nasty, but the food was always terrific (and as a former Singing Angel, I performed at a lot of weddings over the years). I think our food was good, but our cake kicked serious ass (I'm a dessert person; that cake was going to be the bomb).
Great recap, boring episode. The producers better start proving that they have earned the right to stay with the network.
I'm in the minority because I enjoyed the episode and didn't really notice the extra 15 minutes. Of course, having a bottle of wine and watching on DVR to skip commercials helped!
As usual, HILARIOUS recap!!
Andrew keeps reminding me of that actor in AlphaDog who plays the older brother of the kidnapped kid.
Padma seemed like she had hit the bar early on in the wedding. And she's gorgeous, but did you notice her pouchy belly in that dress?
Hello!
Yes I hated Nikkie, but OH MAN do I LOVE Andrew. He's a rabid squirrel, entertaining and still entirely kickable.
By the way, my favorite line of last night was Richard's "I'm wearing pink shoes, I should know about flowers."
Being a good Dust Bunny, I read the ENTIRE recap.
I'm actually surprised Nikki lasted this long on the show.
Your recap of the dialogue between Chef Tom and Nikki had me LOL.
"Lisa’s Lesbian cake is brown and looks like the three-story headquarters of an auto insurance company." So true! Forget Tom's battleship analogy.
Masterful as ever, dear DD. mwah!
Oh you do make me laugh!!
How did I miss knowing Richard is married - to a woman?
Once again your recap was better than the episode! Well done and thanks! These last two have almost bored you to tears and made you work too hard. We appreciate it, too. :-)
Next week looks like it will an all-out bitch fest.
Yeah, this challenge WAS worthless. I still like Dale, though, even with all of his bitchiness.
Thank you all. I know I bitch and sound cranky about writing these things sometimes, but deep down I LOVE doing it.
Of course if you didn't all constantly tell me how terribly witty I was, I'd probably stop. How's that for being an attention/affection WHORE?!!
As Popeye would say - wet dream or not - "I yam what I yam!!!"
XOXOXOXOXO
DavidDust
...But honestly, even more than you complimenting me - I LOVE it when you discuss shit with each other and throw your thoughts and ideas around. Ya'll are fierce!
XOXOXo
Your recap was better than the episode! You are so right about the catered events. The show should be called "Top Cater" and not "Top Chef."
Nikki's guardian angel must have taken a nap. She can go back to her Italian restuarant to serve Big Al.
Lisa bothers me more than Dale. How could they lose when they had the groom?
Two of the ugliest cakes I have ever seen! They went prefectly with the ugly wedding. Did you see the priest leaning so close to the couple? He obviously had a problem. I guess Glad or Bravo paid the couple to make their wedding ugly. That's one way to save on wedding costs.
David you are so right about having a pastry chef with no pastry! Most wedding cakes are planned anywhere from a year to six months in advance. Stephanie made that observation.
I think the episode was worth it for Richard's pink shoes comment.
God, every other episode I find something to despise about one of these people, and then I just want to throw 'em in the oven with Mrs. Lovett. Dale and Spike and Lisa need to be shipped out on that Midnight Train t' Georgia! Or wherever they come from.
As I pretty much said last night... Andrew is icky. Ick ick ick. I cannot look at dick the same way again.
John, I think I am down to liking 2 or 3 of them, depending on my ability to forgive. And Andrew is not one of them. I know exactly what you mean about his making me question whether I will ever be able to have sex again.
Tom: “Were you even in the kitchen on the night in question”
Nikki: “I do not recall, your honor”
LOL - too true. There was no more room left under that bus by the time the Spoon-ers got through tossing each other.
But I've gotta disagree about the cake - pastry pro Gale G said Lisa's cake ruled, so it must've been quite the tasty battleship. :-)
That's one of the problems this season - so many of them are unlikeable. I don't really like any of them but can tolerate Richard and most of the time Stephanie.
I meant to say that I can't believe the whole one day to cater a wedding reception and agree about the wedding. Thank goodness they aren't combining it with PR to have them design and make the wedding dress and bridesmaids' dresses AND TC do the reception. What a nightmare that would be! I wouldn't want to sell out my wedding like that.
And I'm a comment whore - an unsuccessful one at that, so thank you David for coming to my blog and commenting. xoxoxox
well, I'm not a TOTAL loser cuz I watched the re-run last night!!! woohoo!!
I'm glad Princess Pasta went home...I'm sick of her and Italian-ness, even tho I'm Italain. And dale has anger issues....and Little Man has a vicious punch!! He dented a metal locker!! woohoo!! what a douchbag....
and Gail Simmons DOES look like a drunk sorority girl!!!!!
I love you Tranny!!! You rock
xoxoxox
I think I enjoyed your recap more than the show itself, and it took a fraction of the time! Yours are my favorites.
I'm trying not to be too hard on Dale. He was pissed from the start because he knew he wasn't on the "A" team. If I got stuck working with those 3 clowns, I'd probably punch a locker too.
As far as I'm concerned, Nikki just drove the nails into her own coffin with all that "not me" crap. Very poor strategy.
Excellent recap, David. I'm still weepy over the three-story insurance headquarters bit!
Another fine recap, and yes I read the whole thing, why do you think I come over here? I need my recap fix from you almost as much as i need my Top Chef fix!
Say a commercial that they are bringing back Shear Genuis for another season! Can I just say that Bravo rocks on the shows....Top Chef, Project Runway, Shear Genuis, etc...
Okay, back to the show! I loved it and I still like Dale, I don't care! Lisa, Spike, Antonia are so much more annoying to me, and you know that Stephanie can be annoying when you put her with Lisa and Antonia, they start teaming up.
In the end, I see Richard and Dale still standing, because no one can cook anywhere close to them.
Thanks for the recap!
www.atammmommy.wordpress.com
Andrew tweaking and the 3-story auto insurance headquarters had me laughing out loud. Great write up.
I agree with all of you that it's going to be between Richard and Dale with the winner being Richard.
I'd wondered about Shear Genius and didn't notice it since I usually DVR and fast forward through the commercials. I'm glad that's returning. Now we can dish about it, too!
I'm still pissed off about Project Runway on Lifetime, though. Bravo takes care of these shows.
I've been a "lurker" to your site for a few weeks now, and I have to say you are the funniest Mo-Fo'ing blogger EVER!!! Yea! A new title for you!
Can I be a dust bunny too? I promise I'll wash behind my ears. :)
Love the Top Chef recaps - my favorite show and THANK GOD they finally axed Nikki. The biatch needed to go ASAP!
Wah! I don't want it to be between 2 guys again, 'cause these boys are so damn unlikable AND unpretty! Every year [let's face it, season 1's Tiffani was basically a guy with a tad too much estrogen], we've had awful men winning, except for Harold, who was sexy and the best of the lot.
I mean, Richard doesn't bother me as much as the others, and he is definitely going to win, but Dale is just so freakin' annoying I would like to see him leave VERY soon. But, the same for Andrew, Spike and Lisa. Stephanie is not as annoying as the quartet, more on the Richard level, but I have to admit I kinda like Antonia. If she could go to the finale with Richard, I would only be slightly bothered.
Jennifer - you are officially a Dust Bunny - clean ears or otherwise...
And Howard darling, I agree - a Richard/Antonia finale would be the best scenario at this point. I really don't want to see Douchy Dale, Andrew or Spike go much farther.
You are dead on with the "kitchen street gang".
Andrew single-handedly makes the show incredibly dirty. And Nikki got eliminated for not steeping up and taking the leadership role/responsibility so it serves her right.
Tom: “Who did the dry-ass pizza”
Nikki: “Your Mama”
Damn, that would have been awesome.
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