Thursday, May 1, 2008

Top Chef Chicago - Episode Eight - "Warm and Fuzzy Children's Stories"


On the last episode of Top Chef, Jen was sent home to Zoi’s awaiting arms, Spike finally made soup, and Antonia threw up a little in her mouth. Read my recap here.

It’s a beautiful and sunny morning in beautiful and sunny Chicago. Until the scary shot of Lesbian Lisa smoking her morning cancer stick on the deck. Ugh, that’s enough to make me skip breakfast…

Antonia is “fired up”. She is DONE doubting her flavors and her abilities. She is in it to win it. “Fuck everybody”, she adds, and I think we might have another bitter lesbian on our hands. Stephanie is thanking the cooking gods that she’s still around after almost getting sent home. And Mark is mumbling about coming to America, or vegemite, or throwing shrimp on a barbie… I can’t tell with that accent. Did he just say “crocodile”?

It’s Quickfire Challenge time. The cheftestants enter the Top Chef kitchen and are confronted with a large display of Uncle Ben’s rice. I immediately cringe. Ever since I took that “Women and Minorities in the Mass Media” course at Penn State, I know that Uncle Ben is a racist stereotype from slavery days when older slaves were referred to as “Uncle” or “Aunt”. I still have trouble enjoying Aunt Jemima pancakes, that is until Mrs. Butterworth stops by and spreads her syrup-love all over my plate and makes everything better.


So the cheftestants are in the kitchen filled with racist rice, and in walks Padma and Oprah’s personal chef, Art Smith. I don’t watch Oprah (I have a J-O-B), so I had no idea who this big queen is, but apparently he is a great chef and humanitarian and just the type of person Oprah likes to surround herself with. I wonder if Oprah is aware of Art’s affinity for racist rice?


Today’s Quickfire Challenge is to create a “fabulous” entrée in only 15 minutes. Because when Oprah’s HONGRAY, she wants to eat NOW!

In typical Bravo promotional fashion, darling Uncle Ben is going to help (isn’t slavery great!?!) because the rice is MICROWAVABLE and quick! The cheftestants look like they just smelled one of Art Smith’s rice farts. Somehow I don’t think these people went to culinary school to microwave racist rice.

We get the typical 15-minute kitchen clusterfuck. There is a lot of yelling of “behind you!” … “behind you!” … but that’s probably just Spike and Andrew. Dale says the first thing he likes to do is “put a pan on”. The first thing I like to do is “get my drink on”. Like I said, I get “white guilt” around racist rice. Alcohol, like Mrs. Butterworth, makes it a little better…

Utensils down, hands up! Uncle Ben can’t help your racist asses anymore!!

Art and Padma taste all the dishes. Art has generally nice things to say – ESPECIALLY about the dishes created by the MALE cheftestants. Now we know why this is an Uncle Ben’s challenge and not an Aunt Jemima pancake breakfast challenge.

Art and Padma NO LIKEE:

Mark’s Turkey Breast. Although Art “wanted to like it” (I bet). Padma kept calling it “chicken”. That’s funny, Art also referred to MARK as “chicken”. Hmmm…

Stephanie’s Scallop Pancake. She kept the racist theme going and brought in Aunt Jemima’s pancakes. Racism does not pay!

Lisa’s Grilled Shrimp. She made Art squeeze his own lime over the top. Art already has to deal with Oprah’s bossy ass, he doesn’t need more aggravation.


They LIKEE:

Dale’s Pineapple Fried Rice. Maybe it was those big, brown puppy-dog eyes that Dale likes to use on the gay judges. It worked.

Richard’s “play on” Steak and Tomatoes. Why is everything Richard cooks a “play on” something? Stop playing!

Antonia’s Rice Salad. It is her mother’s tried and true recipe – and it is the winner. Antonia has immunity. This lesbionic “fuck everybody” approach is paying off…


Elimination Challenge:

Art is involved in a charity called “Common Threads”. It attempts to build stronger families by bringing everyone back to the table for meals. The cheftestants must devise a complete dinner for a family of four that is simple, delicious, and nutritious. Their budget? Ten friggin’ dollars! Yes, you heard correctly – ten bucks.

Andrew and Richard immediately kvetch about the extremely low budget. Keep in mind, these bitches are shopping at Whole Foods, not Pathmark or Stop & Shop. Antonia, on the other hand, is a single mom herself and vows to “make it work”. Fuck everybody!

They all head to “Whole Paycheck”, AKA Whole Foods – each clutching their very own 10-spot. Everyone goes for the cheap chicken, except Dale who is doing bratwurst. He’s still working the “gay judge” angle with a suggestive sausage dish. Andrew tells us that one of his cooking philosophies is “Simple, Old, New”. What in the hell is that supposed to mean? One of MY philosophies is “Andrew, Big, Douche”.

Speaking of big, Andrew tells us a little about his childhood. Apparently he didn’t have a lot of money growing up AND he was FAT! Damn, now I can’t make fun of him – because I never have any money AND I’m fat! Who in the hell am I kidding, OF COURSE I can continue to make fun of the formerly fat and currently douchy Andrew! Being kind isn’t funny and makes for a boring recap.

Stephanie is walking around Whole Foods in a daze. She informs us that she grew up eating “gourmet food”. Smell her! She seems clueless while shopping on a budget. Apparently her “Aunt” did all the shopping for her family’s plantation.

Antonia, who’s a single mom in real life, is extremely comfortable with this challenge. It is obvious that she’s gone into the grocery store with ten bucks before and come out with a couple of meals for her and her daughter. She has chosen a chicken stir-fry with healthy whole wheat noodles. Fuck everybody!

Mark has decided to do a vegetarian curry. Because when one thinks of feeding inner-city families, one naturally thinks of vegetarian curry. Actually, Mark says that when he’s “strapped for cash”, he makes vegetarian curry for him “and his lady”. Ain’t America great – he moved all the way from New Zealand to become a destitute kitchen worker who can only afford veggies and rice!

After haggling with the Whole Food cashiers, the cheftestants return to the Top Chef house and proceed to package their ingredients in as many Glad products as they can manage. Bravo must not have gotten enough money from Uncle Ben. Racism does not pay!

Antonia gets a call from her daughter, and this is where the show takes a distinctly “warm and fuzzy” turn. They do a cheesy knock-knock joke – and Antonia’s daughter says she can’t stop smiling. I can’t stop thinking that if this keeps up, Top Chef might be moving to Lifetime along with Project Runway

Commercial Break: Ooooh, it’s a promo for Step It Up and Dance! This week’s special guest star is Jason Alexander! Wait…what in the hell is George Costanza doing on a dance show? And why is Janelle fussing at my Sexy Papi Michael? DON’T MAKE ME BREAK MY FOOT OFF IN HER ASS! See my latest SIUaD recap here.

The next day, the cheftestants head over to the Washburne Culinary Institute, home of Art Smith’s Common Threads charity. Padma and Art enter, and inform everyone that the chefs will be receiving “a little extra help” (more racist rice?). Nine of the Common Threads students come out – they will serve as helpers.

Antonia starts to cry. The little girls remind her of her daughter – so she hopes her helper is a boy so she doesn’t cry during the challenge. What happened to “Fuck everybody”!?!

The kids pair up with their chefs, and everyone gets to work. This is also where it becomes IMPOSSIBLE to write a snarky and sarcastic recap – because these kids are little adorable angels. Seriously. And they manage to bring out the absolute BEST qualities of the cheftestants. We are talking SERIOUS warm and fuzzy.

Lesbian Lisa FINALLY makes it official and say’s “my GIRLFRIEND has a kid” – and Lisa loves to cook with him. She is working with chubby “Andrew” and I hope he stays chubby so he doesn’t end up like “Simple, Old, New” cheftestant Andrew. Richard is going to expose Little Miss Abigail to the joys of beets. And Antonia’s helper Jeffrey is already a pro at chopping. Yes, Antonia got a boy – so no more tears.

Special mentions MUST go out to two of the cheftestants I rag on the most – Spike and Dale. Spike’s kid Alex cut’s himself immediately on a peeler, and Spike fixes him up gently and tells him it’s “good luck”. He even asks Alex if he has a girlfriend, to which Alex responds “not yet”. I have to give Spike credit for not elaborating about HIS girlfriend Andrew…

But the biggest sweetheart has to be (formerly) Douchy Dale. He immediately identifies with Emmanuel, who is one of the smaller kids in the group. Dale remembers when HE was a small kid who realized he’d never be Michael Jordan – so he turned to cooking instead of basketball. Seriously, I feel HORRIBLE about the stuff I wrote about Dale. But I’m sure I’ll be over it next week, especially since I saw a preview of Dale acting like an ass in the Not-So-Glad Storage Room (where he is usually at his douchiest). But for now, I’m seriously wanting to hug on Daddy Dale. What are all these human EMOTIONS I’m experiencing?!?…

Nikki, on the other hand, won’t let Amaris get a word in edge-wise. Nikki blabs on and on about how she was raised by a single parent, and had to learn how to cook at an early age. Blah, blah, blah…I’m waiting for them to play the musical theme from The Godfather and do those flashback’s featuring Robert DeNiro as a young Vito Corleone. Nikki obviously saw how the “mother story” approach worked for Antonia during the Quickfire, so she’s going for it. Sneaky bitch.

The only other negative thing I notice is that Lisa keeps referring to her helper as “big guy”. When you are a chubby kid, the LAST thing you want to be called is “big guy”. Trust me. Thinking about it makes me wonder if I have any pancake mix and syrup in the apartment?...Or Twinkies…Maybe I’ll just get my drink on… Damn emotions!

I really wish that Ryan was still around. He could have made things interesting by ragging on the kids for not holding down jobs by age 11, like he did. And he could reminisce about his grandmother’s recipe for Chicken Piccata – no chicken, just a big mound of mashed potatoes. What a dumbass.

Anywhoo, Chef Tom Colicchio arrives, and even HE is cute with the kids! He goes up to Richard and Abigail, and Abigail gives him the lowdown on their dish – “sweaty” onions and all. Little Emmanuel can’t wait for Dale to finish cooking because he, like Oprah, is HONGRAY! Chef Tom approaches Nikki and Amaris and Nikki proceeds to talk his ear off about her one-parent childhood…blah, blah, blah. I’m ready to make Nikki an offer she can’t refuse. Tom decides to stick around in the kitchen instead of just his usual quick visit, probably upon the request of the Chicago Department of Child Services.

Mark’s helper Jesucita keeps looking at him like he’s from Mars. Well he DID say that New Zealand was “very far away”. Kind of like Mars. Jesucita is probably wondering if Mark’s accent is from also from Mars. Besides that, Chef Tom’s presence is making Mark nervous.

Time for service. The cheftestants bring out their dishes with their helpers. The kids will sit with three of their friends and eat the meal they helped prepare. The judges: Gail, Padma, and Art Smith sit at a separate table, and Chef Tom stays back in the kitchen. Child Services isn’t taking any chances.

First up: Richard and Abigail’s Chicken with Beets and Beans. Everybody Likee. Natch.

Next, we have Lisa and Andrew’s Chicken with Edamame and an Apple dessert that Andrew prepared himself. They no likee Lisa’s flavorless entrée, but they love the Big Guy’s dessert.

Dale and Emmanuel serve their Sausage & Potatoes. Emmanuel wins the most adorable kid in the world contest – with Dale placing a close second.

Spike and Alex come out with their Spaghetti Putanesca – and the kids rejoice. “Yeeeaaaahhh Pisketty”!! No nasty old beets for them. Oh Lord…Spike made another soup. Antonia barfs in her mouth a little bit.

Nikki and Amaris come out, and we have to hear the “I was raised a poor black child” speech from Nikki again. Or whatever the hell her story was/is. And do you know what? The judges fall for it! Art “loved the story”…but I thought this was about the food, you big stupid queen! Then again, Oprah’s got a pretty damn good story also…

Mark is already nervous about Chef Tom being in the kitchen, so Jesucita comes out and explains their Vegetarian Curry dish. Padma thinks it’s “too sweet” (the dish, not Jesucita’s presentation) and Gail and Art are looking for protein. There are children present, so I won’t say anything further about Gail and Big Gay Art’s desire for protein. I can be warm and fuzzy too, bitches.

Antonia and Jeffrey’s one-pot chicken noodle stir-fry is a big hit – everybody really likee. And Gail is the sucker for a good story this time, saying “this is real life for her”. If I was a cheftestant I would have told the judges about walking to school in the middle of the winter … uphill … both ways. It’s all about the “story” this week.

Andrew and Miguel are next with Chicken Paillard. Did you ever notice that Andrew acts like a total crazy person when he presents anything to the judges? Seriously – TOTALLY batshit crazy. And the judges friggin’ eat it up (so to speak). They probably found out his “story” about being the fat kid with no money…

Stephanie is last and still looks a little confused. Maybe she thinks all these ethnic kids should be washing clothes or cleaning bathrooms like they do at her mansion. Anywhoo, the judges no likee her couscous with chicken, eggplant and zucchini. Gail remarks that this dish was prepared by “a restaurant chef that doesn’t cook at home”. Well duh! That’s what servants are for!!

The challenge is over and everyone is packing up to head back to the Not-So-Glad Storage Room. Richard, in the warm and fuzzy spirit of the show, decides he wants to “go home and make some babies”. Unfortunately, this is surprisingly adorable and hard to say mean shit about. I really hope they all start acting like douchebags again soon, or NO ONE will read my recaps.

In the Not-So-Glad Storage Room, the cheftestants are NOT bitching and moaning for a change. Damn warm and fuzzy episode!!! Hell, they’re hardly even drinking! Nikki is bragging about how fast her helper was – and I didn’t even think Nikki knew she HAD a helper. You know, because she was raised by a single parent…. Richard still has that fatherly glow and even Spike says “I had the best time today”.

Padma enters, and asks to see Andrew, Nikki, and Antonia – which makes things a little more Not-So-Glad.

Andrew, Nikki, and Antonia are the judge’s three favorites. They are also the three with the best stories. There is all the usual talk of smart planning and excellent flavors, but this boiled down to who had the warmest and fuzziest story. And the warmest and fuzziest this week was Antonia – who wins the challenge. She went from “fuck everybody” to warm and fuzzy mom in less than an hour. Nikki will have to tweak her tale for next time. Maybe some lost limbs or cancer would be beneficial…

Lisa, Stephanie, and Mark are called to the Judges Table. They are the bottom three.

Lesbian Lisa is immediately defensive. She mentions that after the judges got nit-picky with “the rules” last week, she tried to follow all the guidelines and do a nutritious and cost-effective dish. The judges tell her that’s all fine and good – but the dish was “missing flavor” according to Tom, which he said was “shocking”. She should have told the story of her girlfriend’s kid who likes to help her in the kitchen…

Chef Tom is getting all queeny again. He is hatin’ on the combination of peanut butter and tomato in Stephanie’s dish – and Big Gay Art backs up his ‘sister’ by saying the portion was “too large”. Don’t feed the poor people too much! But Padma REALLY hates Stephanie’s dish – calling it “disgusting” and “awful”. Don’t hold back Padma – tell us how you REALLY feel. Somehow I think their might be more of a “story” there.

Mark takes flack for his lack of protein, and is convinced that Chef Tom doesn’t like him. Tom thinks he’s joking – but he’s not. Chef Colicchio is still in “snippy mode” and mentions that Mark’s dish was “sloppy” and he didn’t spend his budget wisely. The dish just didn’t “come together”.

In the end, Tom’s hatred of Mark is realized and Mark is asked to pack his knives and go. I immediately think about two of Mark’s biggest Dust Bunny fans: Howard and Psychomom. I hope they get through this ok. I recommend getting your drink on...

Just to show there are no hard feelings, Chef Tom assures Mark that he doesn’t dislike him, and promises to have a beer with him sometime in the future. By the look on his face, you can tell Mark doesn’t believe this ‘story’ one single bit…


Next Week: Lisa needs therapy, and Andrew gets a “culinary boner”. Ewwwww. Till then bitches!!

45 comments:

*~~*Inger*~~* said...

I knew Mark was getting the boot, but oh how I wished it had been Lisa. Maybe next week! :-D It looks interesting, particularly Stephanie decorating the wedding cake.

Mary said...

What was up with that $10 budget! You KNOW they brought more than $10 worth of food. I thought this episode showed how stupid some of these cheftestents are.

I now know why Lisa has problems with seasoning-she smokes! Smoking deadens taste buds and the worst chefs are smokers. Do you hear me Wretched Ray? Stephanie get a grip. She was such a snob about the elimination challenge. “I just have never cooked with so little.” I'm starting to be annoyed by her. Nikki was tres annoying too. I guess she knows she is close to the door so she will play on the chefs' sympathies. It won’t work. She will have to make a decent and elegant dish one day without a team member.

Mark chose curry for kids? He is a space cadet and they were right to get rid of him. Please tell me Richard is not going to reproduce. Can you imagine small and annoying Mohawks running around leaving scales on fish?

I can’t believe I am saying this, but I prefer Dale to Lisa. He maybe a little shit, but he can follow directions. That is needed in being a chef. Spike was even all right in this challenge.

Chef Tom had to stay in the kitchen, because I am sure there is a law that states a competent adult with so many children in the kitchen. Bravo must have been afraid the cheftestents would cook a kid.

Mary said...

How come they didn't bitch about Dale making his own sausage like they did Nikki? It is CHICAGO after all and they LOVE their sausage.

David Dust said...

Mary - I TOTALLY forgot about the whole "make your own sausage in Chicago" thing. You are absolutely right!

Kathy aka the Minx said...

Yeah, but a home cook would never had made his or her own sausage...so buying it was fine.

I love the way we both used "Big Gay Art" in our recaps...lol

David Dust said...

Kathy - we are so fierce! :)

XOXO

Kyle/TheBookPolice said...

Another good one, David! Loved your inclusion of Ryan--perfect opportunity to be mean!

I've got my own personally handcrafted bettor's odds on who will win this season on my recap, and I'm trying to find a way to make it pay out in booze, but I'm not prepared to drink 40 beers/shots/whatever if Nikki wins.

Astrid said...

Love reading your blog, hope that you enjoy mine! I tend to write more stream of consciousness, so I love your more in depth recaps. :)

I still think that there are wonderful ways to make a veggie curry for cheap. My kids love it. I was wondering why Mark didn't try making his own naan? That stuff is pricey at stores, and I have a killer recipe that is simple.... I even use whole wheat flour. Healthy.

Next week's wedding extravaganza looks fantastic.

- Astrid

Mary said...

"Yeah, but a home cook would never had made his or her own sausage...so buying it was fine."

Actually a home cook is more likely to make his or her own sausage instead of at a tailgate party. It's very easy to do and a lot healthier and cheaper. That was a bias. If Nikki got trounced for that, Dale should have to. They just like Dale more.

From what I hear, a woman is going to win. Padma was saying the viewers should watch the "ladies" this season and she is not fond of dumb ass Ryan either. She could not or would not remember his name when asked.

Mary said...

Curry for kids? I don't buy that. The average family does not serve curry to kids. It is too complex of a dish. Mark could have done a great vegetarian mixed vegetables though.

Kyle/TheBookPolice said...

I don't think this challenge would have allowed for homemade sausage at all. The chef would have to buy the meat and the casing, and with $10, that's just not responsible spending. Notice that Dale wasn't in the top three, either. His meal was much closer to the expectations of the challenge than Nikki's tailgate offering, or Lia's updated beans n franks from Season 3.

sfoofie said...

HAHAA...great recap (AS ALWAYS)

"Because when Oprah’s HONGRAY, she wants to eat NOW!"
*clap clap clap* *hysetrical screaming by women*
(me laughing my ass off)

I loved Richard this week "wanting to go home and make babies" - it was so adorable. What was up with this week totally melting our emotions? They seriously can't keep this up or we will have nothing to be feisty about.... cept maybe smoky treat Lisa.

I can't wait for next week cuz it looks like Dale and Lisa are paired up. 'cept I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ANDREW SAY BONER again. I will throw up a little.

Meeg said...

Ok, the "I was raised a poor black child" joke made me laugh out loud a lot.

RE Uncle Ben: the Cream of Wheat guy is hotter anyway.

RE Mark getting the boot: I thought he was cute in a grungy, hose-him-off kind of way but he really did need to go with his sloppy food.

RE Lisa: She has such a bad attitude, and I totally missed her talking about her girlfriend!

RE Nikki: it was nice to see her do well for once, but I totally noticed how everyone else let their kid talk to Tom whereas she didn't let her helper get a word in.

RE Antonia's win: I like her and her story, I'm happy for her. Too bad Richard is like 99% going to end up winning the whole thing.

David Dust said...

Meeg - Cream of Wheat guy IS way hotter! OMG - that's why I loved Cream of Wheat as a child!

Psychomom said...

I'm the 10th child in a family of 12 and I had to walk 2 miles to school in the snow and during the summer I worked in the fields picking onions (since age 2). Hope you like my story, if not, then Fuck everybody!

Poor Mark, he just didn't have a clue how to please "Uncle Tom", maybe he should have invited him for a bubble bath.

Howard, if you need some mama love, I'll be in the tub, feel free to join me for a good sloshing.

Good day mate!

David Dust said...

Psychomom -

You seem to be taking this well. Also, had anyone ever told you that you 'give good comment'? Because you do...

XOXOXO

DD

Psychomom said...

Okay, you bitches are too funny with the "Cream of Wheat" guy. I always used to think he looked like my dad only in brown.

And in the spirit of Seinfeld, "there's a hair in my farina".

David Dust said...

Who you callin' "Farina"?!?

Psychomom said...

Oh DD, you bring out the beast in me! Will you please be my gay boyfriend?

Remember, I give good comment......

David Dust said...

Psychomom - I WOULD be your gay boyfriend, but I have a feeling that Beth and Joy would try and cut you. And I wouldn't be able to live with myself if that happened.

But you DO give good comment... OK - I am your secret gay boyfriend. Just don't tell Beth and Joy...

XOXO

Margo said...

Great recap!!

Definitely agree with you (& clinking your glass) - first thing I like to do is get my drink on too!

mikeinbama said...

we have to hear the “I was raised a poor black child” speech from Nikki again.

ROTFL.....I look forward to these reviews. I think next weeks episode is going to give you so much material.

iko said...

Gosh, I'm so upset Nikki's still here...is everyone still sure we're watching "Top Chef" and not "Top Comfort Food Cook?" And, yeah, Andrew is a crack-ho.

Anonymous said...

Why make a sausage when you can get one behind the counter at Whore Fools and stick it to the judges?

Jennie said...

This is how funny you are: I do not even watch this show and I still read the Recaps! Racism does not pay! Thank you for some laughter in the shittiest week ever! You rock, David.

Beth said...

how can I possibly fall more in love with you? You were all warm and fuzzy today! You want to ahve a baby, don't you?

now go get your drink on...

as usual, I forgot to watch this week! What's wrong with me? It's not cuz I'm having hot sex with my hot husband....I don't even Remeber how to do it, it's been so long!

But I love your re-caps!!! Theya re so much more way better than the show itself....seriously.

you big old fuzzy Tranny!!!

Beth said...

CREAM OF WHEAT GUY?!?!?!! My husband looks JUST LIKE HIM!!! and I don't mean that in a mean way neither. When my oldest son was little, we would go to the store and he would see the cream of wheat box and yell Daddy!!!! TRUE STORY!!!!

damn, now I ogtta go make some....

Beth said...

OH.
NO.
YOU.
DI'INT!!!!

No more secret gay boyfriends!!! I will cut someone up in this mugg!!!!

Joy said...

Perfection! As always! So many funny lines - so many clever commentaries!

Whole Paycheck - so true! Kiwi Mark needed to go since he brushes his teeth wrong. Did you notice he goes from side to side instead of up and down? Maybe that's a Southern Hemisphere thing like counter-clockwise water down the drain.

Having a girlfriend gives the name Moana Lisa a whole new twist.

You thought I might not notice that secret girlfriend part, so don't make me put my size 6 foot in an ass or even cut a bitch!

Love you! xoxoxoxoxo

Steve Raw said...

Ha! I had that Women and Minorities in the Media class at Penn State too, and yes, I also thought of it when Uncle Ben's smilin' face popped up during the Quickfire. Damn Communications degree What was I thinkin'?
Axing Mark was a bad move, I may not get over it. Damn you, spiteful Tom.

David Dust said...

Dearest Beth and Joy...

Uhhh... I was JUST MAKING SURE YOU WERE PAYING ATTENTION ... !?! ... no secrets here ... uhhhhhh ... nope, nothing to hide! ... um, seriously! ...

Trannybeth - I LOVE how it took you 3 comments to find out about my 'secret'. And DUH - I've always said your hubby is a hottie. And the Cream of Wheat guy is a hottie. You do the math!

And Joy. My darling, sweet Joy... I literally SCREAMED at the top of my lungs when I read the last part of your comment! Thanks goodness I'm at the part-time job all by myself.

For those of you who didn't catch it, My Little Dumpling Joy threatened to break off her "size 6" in someone's ass AND cut a bitch! Priceless.

Beth - I would say we've been a bad influence on Miss Joy, but somehow I know she's always had this side of her... We're just now seing it.

I LOVE ALL YOU BITCHES!!! Thanks to EVERYONE for your comments...and KEEP THEM COMING. I didn't slave away over a hot computer all morning for nothing!!!!!!

Now I'm going to get my drink on...

David Dust said...

Jennie - I am SO glad you stop by and read my recaps, even if you're not watching the show. Although BRAVO is PISSED! And cheer up kiddo...this too shall pass. XOXOXO

Steve - SERIOUSLY - Damn Penn State Education! Sometimes I'd prefer to still be a dumbass. At least I'd be able to enjoy a nice bowl of Uncle Ben's rice...or some friggin pancakes!

jennifer from pittsburgh said...

Love your commentary, dude! Other than Richard, I'm not sure that we have anyone thinking outside the box this year. Plus, is it just me, or are most of the challenges really lame this year? We've had a block party, tailgaiting, now kiddie cooking, not to mention the comic fiasco. I'm all for everyday cuisine, but unless they're grooming the next chef for a Denny's opening soon in Emlenton, this is like a waste of effort.
Love ya, DD!

Polgarra said...

Did you notice as Nikki was taking the food out that her helper picked up a plate and Nikki is like fighting it out of her hand?? I don't think it was supposed to go out or something but it really caught my eye. I almost forgot she was still in the show.

The joke about Antonia being a lesbian.... did I miss something? Is she a lesbian? Anyways....

I am glad you are liking Richard and Dale this week. Personally I think they are funny and don't bother me as much as I thought they would. I am also disappointed to see Stephanie loosing her footing this week. I am not a fan of Andrew, spike or Lisa. Antonia is slowly making me not dislike her... I might almost like her.

David Dust said...

No - I don't think Antonia's a lesbian...she was doing the "fuck everybody" bitter Lesbian Lisa routine, so I made that observation.

And yes, I'm liking Richard and Dale for now - but I KNOW I'll be hatin' on Dale next week. It looks like he does his teeny ball grabbin while yelling routine again.

I feel like maybe this episode was the "calm" before the Douchebag Storm...

Kwana said...

Oh my, David. There are tears in my eyes over this recap. It's the best part of my week. Funner than anything on tv. Raciest Rice! Dale giving the puppy dog eyes. I was howling. And that photo of Mark at the end. What was with those pants? Too funny. Thanks.

SailorAlphaCentauri said...

This was a great recap, and I'm glad I read it long after watching the episode. I pretty much kept swearing at the t.v. every time Antonia said something. I still hate that woman. She's not a nice person (and I've known some people who are good to their kids and horrible to the rest of the world) and I felt the whole "story" thing was too much of a put-on. I can't help it; I find arrogance a huge turn-off.

I loved how those kids liked everything! However, I think my favorite reaction was the girl who discovered she was going to eat spaghetti. I think I had a similar reaction to it when I was a child, so I found it endearing and hilarious.

And while everyone else may have thought Richard's desire to go off and have kids was sweet, the first thing out of my mouth when I heard it was "Ew. No. Stay away." But then I laughed because it was sweet.

And what the hell was Stephanie's problem? If she had her nose any higher in the air, she would've fallen on her ass.

Howard said...

Well, I have finally cleared my eyes enough to read the blog. 26 hours of weeping has made me dehydrated. Or it might have been the alcohol. But once I sober up I must go to Chicago and cut da biatch who sent my cheftestant home, when it was obvious Butchie Steff or Moana Lisa should have gone. Why, oh why wouldn't Mark just let Chef C in the bubblebath so he could stay for more recaps? There is no one left to bring the pretty, making for ugly menus.

Am I bitter? You bet your ass I am. Damn you, Tom C! Why'd you have to hate on my pretend BF? Oh, the inhumanity!

Oh, yeah, David, once again your recap was brilliant, and lifted my soul, except the part about Mark leaving. But then you thought of dear sweet Psychomom and Me, and ran a picture of my little NZ Boy-toy. Bless your heart.

StickyGooeyCreamyChewy said...

Racist rice? Bwaaaahahahaha! I love it! (The comment - NOT the rice. The rice sucks.) Seriously, I just love your hilarious recaps! They keep me smiling all day. :D I agree with your take on this episode 100%. Blah, but sweet.

David Dust said...

Howard - pull yourself together girl. Sharpen that blade, get to Chicago, and get to cuttin' !!!

I'm glad you sobered up enough to make a comment.

Are you still wearing head-to-toe mourning black (including veil)? If you don't have an outfit, I could loan you the one I wore when Arby's closed...

XOXOXO

Joy said...

No, you didn't corrupt me. That happened decades ago, and I've been grateful ever since. I just have to be sort of nice on my blog because it could get back to my mother. She's one of those stereotypical Southern Ladies at 87. No one knows how I turned out the way I have, but I do. She's also a smart ass and is where I learned it. But she cares about what people think and is careful where she says things. Guess I learned that, too, since I managed to continue teaching in a small conservative town without repercussions.

You are right and know me so well! Keep thinking those good thoughts about me! :-) xoxoxoxox

Howard said...

David, my dear, I have pulled it together now, and have decided my lust was ill-placed. I have sworn off cheftestants, and decided Kody from SIU&D would be a better option. After all, I don't want to be the biatch that is cut by you and chose and dancetestant...

TAMmommy said...

Loved your recap as always!

I particularly liked this "real world" challenge. I like the ones that make them think outside the box. I think my favorites from past season were the vending machine challenge and the quick stop challenge. I think it gives you more about the chefs when they have to do something so completely out of the norm for them.

Thanks again for your time and efforts!

melissa said...

I know I'm in the minority here, but I just have to speak up for the chef formerly known as chubby...Andrew. Has anyone noticed that despite the barage of profanities he keeps up a good attitude, works hard and actually makes interesting food? He's done well lately in the judging and rarely ends up on the bottom. (except with Spike ;))

Yeah, he's crazy. But I happen to like a dash of crazy in my cheftestant. I'll take that any day over cranky Lisa or ditzy Ryan. After hearing his sad story of being the poor fat kid, even my kiwi loving roommate had to admit that Andrew was worth a second look.

Maybe I just like rooting for the underdog. Go Andrew!

David Dust said...

Melissa -

I haven't been able to figure out which one of those two boys is on the "bottom"...

And I will admit - you are correct about your batshit crazy boyfriend Andrew - he actually seems like a pretty good chef. But it's hard for me to get past the "crazy"...

Thanks for stopping by!

XOXO

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