Project Runway Ep. 4 Recap - "Lifetime Real Women Presents: A Very Special Project Runway"

Last week on Project Runway, Mila won the “museum inspiration” challenge.  But poor Ping was sent home to the lake.  BIG LAKE.

Before we get started, I’d just like to say something.  This week’s episode was rather somber, and the Lifetime Real Women-esque challenge makes it a little difficult for me to be snarky.  Seriously, who wants to hear jokes about ladies who had heart attacks?

It’s morning in Manhattan, and no one is surprised that Ping is gone.  Except, I’m sure, Ping herself.  She couldn’t remember to wear shoes – so elimination from Project Runway is still probably somewhat of a shock.

Over on the boy’s side, Baby Jesus talks about being really excited to start fresh and get out of the bottom [insert gay innuendo HERE].  Then I notice what has been bothering me about Jesus (besides his eyebrows) – he uses the word “really” way too much.  And, like kids do these days, he pronounces it “rilly”.  Furthermore, Jesus does that thing where he raises the pitch of his voice on the last word of every sentence – so it sounds like he’s always asking a question.

“I’m going to make it rilly, rilly ELEGANT??? I am rilly rilly excited about this CHALLENGE???”.  Sorry, but that rilly rilly annoys ME???

Anywhoo – the Fashiontestants head to the runway to receive their challenge.  Heidi reminds everyone that Mila has immunity this week, and then tells them they will be designing looks for a “Fashion Week Gala” for some “very inspiring (Lifetime Real) women”.

In the workroom, Tim Gunn is waiting – along with Lisa Walker, the “V.P. of Innovation” at Campbell’s Soup.  Question: why does Campbell’s need a V.P. of Innovation?  You put soup in a can and ship it to the grocery store – seems simple enough.

Ok, here’s when my low-budget, non-DVR-having self is at a disadvantage.  At this point Tim and Miss Innovation rattle off all kinds of information about Red Dress Awards, Heart Disease, Fashion Week, and Campbell’s Soup charity efforts.  It all seems very noble – but it was a little too much information for my feeble note-taking skills.

From what I can gather, here’s what this week’s challenge boils down to.  The designers will create a look to wear to a Fashion Week women’s heart disease gala.  They must use the color red, and also the Campbell’s logo (Warholesque fabric has been provided).  Furthermore, the “models” this week will be (Lifetime real) women who have been impacted by heart disease.  The winning designer will have the opportunity to accompany her model (sporting the winning look) to the gala.

The (Lifetime) real women models come in and meet their designers.  Jesse meets his gal Jennifer and asks “What’s your story?”.  “My heart stopped”, Jennifer replies.  Okay…  Yeah, this is gonna be a barrel of laughs.

Jay cries when he hears his model’s story (she ends up hugging and comforting him), and Anthony cries because his own mother had heart surgery.  Sniff, Cry, Sniff, Sob. I haven’t used this much Kleenex since Marky Mark was making Calvin Klein ads.

Baby Jesus’ client is named Tricia.  And Jesus is “rilly excited” because Tricia is “rilly rilly tiny” and wants a fitted dress.  Did I mention how much that rilly rilly annoys me?

They go to Mood with $100 burning a hole in their pockets and visions of red fabric in their heads.  The highlight of the Mood trip was at the end when sweet Janeane jumped up and down yelling “I have to get my boning!”.  Which I'm totally gonna try the next time I’m at a gay bar.  Or at the bank.  Or in the soup aisle of the grocery store.

Back in the workroom they have until midnight to complete their looks.  And since they aren’t using their usual skinny fashion models, now is the time when the designers talk about how “difficult” it is to create clothes for  (Lifetime) “real women”.  Seth Aaron calls this the “largest challenge” he’s ever faced as a designer.  Rilly?

The models come in for a fitting and for more hugs.  I half-expect Meredith Baxter or Jane Seymour to show up and RILLY make this a Lifetime Real Women feelgoodapalooza.  Come to think of it, does Meredith Baxter still gets cast in those “I'LL PROTECT MY FAMILY NO MATTER WHAT!” movies now that she told the world she’s a lady-loving Lez?

Seth Aaron’s model “Rose” has decided she would like a draped Grecian goddess dress.  And since Rami isn’t competing this season, Rose wants Seth Aaron to drape something for her.  Seth Aaron, who dresses like a d-bag but seems like a total sweetheart, vows to make Rose happy.

Oh goodness, here comes Baby Jesus again.  “It was RILLY RILLY rough growing up with a single MOTHER?”.  This is RILLY too much.

Tim visits the workroom.  Jesse’s model has a “full figure”, so he’s trying to slim her.  I have one word for him … Spanx.

Tim doesn’t think Seth Aaron is being true to himself by going Grecian.  And Mr. Gunn almost has his OWN heart issues when Jesus says his client wanted something “rilly fitted”, but also wanted to show cleavage.  Jesus vows that the dress will fit her “rilly good”.  O RLY?

Tim leaves, and Seth Aaron immediately starts on a new dress.  And Emilio (who seems to be the only designer willing to talk stank) says he thinks Anna should be concerned about elimination and Jay’s dress is a “train wreck”.  He also calls Maya’s dress something you might see at the “Thanksgiving Day Parade”.  Well, he has a point…

The next morning is runway day, and the designers do their normal last-minute dash.  Tim comes in to pay the bills and mention the sponsors.  Tim also remarks that if their client is wearing her  own shoes, then they should use the Bluefly.com wall for accessories.  Speaking of shoes, I hope one of the (Lifetime) real women brought along a pair of these bad boys…

Seth Aaron’s new dress is more “retro” and less “Athena on Mount Olympus”.  Jesus is “rilly happy” that his dress shapes his client “rilly well”.  And every time I see Ben on screen, I think to myself “Who’s the new guy?!?”…

Seriously – has Ben said more than two words this entire season?

On the runway, Heidi introduces the judges – Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and Marchesa designer Georgina Chapman.  Ms. Chapman just so happens to be Mrs. Harvey Weinstein, the dude who owns the Project Runway brand.  But that had absolutely nothing to do with Georgina being a judge.  Rilly.

The (Lifetime) real women walk their looks down the runway and do a fantastic job.  At the end of the show, Heidi instructs Mila, Maya, Anna, Amy, Jesse and Jesus to remain onstage.  The rest are safe.

The judges likee Mila – who incorporated the Campbell’s logo in an innovative way.  They also likee Amy’s “elegant and modern” dress.  And, for some reason, they likee Maya’s dress, although it looked to me like she pinned a Miss America sash (or a snake) to the front of it at the last minute...

The judges no likee Jesse’s dress – although Nina liked the neckline and both she and Heidi agreed that his (Lifetime) real woman has a great rack.  They also no likee Anna’s dress, which made her model look like a defensive tackle for the Pittsburgh Steelers on top.  This, I’m assuming, is not a look in which most (Lifetime) real women aspire to.

And, finally, in the irony of all ironies, HEIDI “Short, Shiny & Tight” KLUM questioned Jesus’ TASTE LEVEL!  I was rilly rilly surprised (OK, not rilly).  Michael Kors stated that Jesus took a Tacky Checklist, and checked off each thing one-by-one.  Tight red satin?  Check.  Crystal day-shift hooker straps?  Check.  Up-to-the-cootchie length?  Check.  And poor Baby Jesus thought he had created something “elegant” and “glamorous”.

Time for the results.  Maya and Mila are safe – and Amy is the winner…

Jesse is also safe – leaving Anna and her “poorly made” and “unflattering” garment, and Jesus and his “Ode to the Ho Stroll”.

And … the poor Baby Jesus is sent home.  Rilly.

Next week on Project Runway – CLOWN CLOTHES!!!