RuPaul's Drag Race Ep. 5 - "Dragged To The Altar"

Remember, if you don’t have access to RuPaul’s Drag Race via cable – you can watch all episodes at LogoTV.com.  Then come back here and enjoy my recap…

Last time on RuPaul’s Drag Race, the girls attempted celebrity impersonations.  Tatianna won with a killer Britney, and Sonique was sent home for her limp version of Lady Gaga.

It’s a new day in the workroom, where Tatianna is glad that the “negative” Sonique is gone – and for the fact that she has immunity this week.  RuPaul soon arrives to tell the girls about this week’s mini-challenge.

This week the girls will simply be gift-wrapping a plain white gift box.  However, this being RuPaul’s Drag Race, the dragtestants must “queenify” their boxes using wrapping paper as well as items from each other’s wardrobes.  The “Wrap Party” soon begins.

Tyra immediately has the extremely avant-garde idea of wrapping her box in GOLD WRAPPING PAPER.  Wait?!?  What’s that?!??  Gold wrapping paper on a gift box?!?!?  THAT HAS SIMPLY NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE!!!!  And so anytime anyone got anywhere near the gold paper, Tyra accused them of “copying her style”.  Tyra is the kind of Ho who would stand in line at McDonald’s and fuss at everyone ordering Big Macs – because SHE ordered a Big Mac and everyone else was “tryin’ to be me”.  Biatch, puh-leaze …

Ru comes in to inspect the ladies’ boxes, and decides that Raven’s dark birdie box is the winner.  Here is a visual representation…

After they finish, they open their boxes to find a “Wedding Invitation”.  The main challenge this week will require the girls to “marry” their male persona, and they must create a grooms outfit AND a wedding dress this week in order to do so.

A rack of wedding dresses is rolled in.  Raven gets to pick her dress first – and then she chooses the order in which the other girls pick.  Raven selects her buddy Morgan first, and Tatianna last.

RuPaul tells the dragtestants they can grab whatever they want at the “Fixin’s Bar”, and for a second I thought they were going to have to accessorize their wedding gowns with wilted lettuce and Barbeque Sauce.

After the girls violently grab their stuff, RuPaul introduces this week’s guest judge/mentor Mathu Andersen, the makeup artiste.  Mathu has seen pictures of all the girls, and gives them tips on their makeup.  After meeting with each person, Ru and Mathu leave the workroom.

It’s now time for the girls to dress up in their male personas for the “groom” portion of their wedding photographs.  I must say, seeing a bunch of drag queens acting clueless about how to look like men was pretty comical.  Of course Tyra drew facial hair on her face and immediately claimed that she INVENTED facial hair and anyone else who used facial hair was copying Tyra’s unique style.  I’ll say it again … Biatch PUH-LEAZE.

One-by-one they visit the wedding photographer.  The two notable pictures for me were Jessica Wild – who is CUTE as a boy …

And Pandora, who looked like a nervous Lance Corporal in the midst of a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell investigation…

Either that or the captain of the Gayest.Oceanliner.Ever.

Back in the workroom, most of the girls try to have a meaningful conversation regarding gay marriage, but Tyra effectively prevents that from happening with her “singing”.  Tyra "sings" with a pair of earphones on – either so she can ignore the other girls, or so she doesn’t have to hear the ear cancer-causing noises coming out of her own mouth.  Seriously, I’ve heard freshly-wounded Opossums make more pleasant sounds than whatever it was Tyra was doing.

Tatianna finally has enough and tries to get Tyra to plug up her horn, but Tyra ignores her because Tatianna didn’t "ask politely".  Also, Tyra invented politeness – so you better not try and copy it.

The next morning the girls prepare for the “bride” photo shoot and for the catwalk.  Jujubee, Pandora and Tatianna spend the morning talking smack about Tyra – who quickly finds out that no one will help her button up the back of her dress or anything else.  Then Tyra proceeds to HOT GLUE little appliqués ONTO HER BODY, all-the-while yelping in pain.  I couldn’t help but notice, however, that these “pain” noises were a lot less ear-shattering than her singing.  I would also bet that hot-gluing crap onto your body is something the other girls will NOT be copying.

It’s time for the runway show, and RuPaul makes her entrance and introduces the judges – Santino, Merle, Mathu and legendary House Music Diva Martha Wash.

The girls walk their wedding finery down the runway.  Sahara does a Swan Lake ballerina bride – complete with toe shoes and tutu.  Morgan’s dress is very “LaCroix, Sweetie” with its pouf, and Raven accessorized with little blue ribbons and matching blue pumps.  Tyra, THAT BIATCH, looked amazing – and even her glued-on crap looked good.

Time for the judging.  The full wedding portraits are unveiled – and the judges talk to the dragtestants.  Merle loved Pandora’s dress, saying she was having an “organza orgasm”.  Ru’s urgent response? “Can I get a napkin?!?”.

The judges LOVE Tyra’s sweetheart act, and they hate Tatianna’s look this week – saying she is lucky to have immunity.  They also don’t love Morgan’s pouf – and RuPaul mentions that Morgan’s white pumps are a sign of “a true hooker”.  Which is a good thing, I think.

We then come to the “Throw Drag Queens in Wedding Dresses Under the Bus” portion of our show, when RuPaul asks what is going on behind-the-scenes.  Tatianna immediately speaks up and mentions how stank Tyra is.  In response, Tyra mumbles some mushmouth mumbo-jumbo about them “testing” her.  Juju ends up telling it like it T-I-IZ, asking Tyra to “get yourself some manners so you don’t look so damn stupid”.   Unfortunately I think Tyra needs more than manners for that to happen.

The judges judge, and it’s time for the results.

Jujubee, Jessica and Tatianna (immunity) are safe.  Tyra, THAT BIATCH, is the winner.  Pandora and Raven are also safe – leaving Sahara and Morgan to lip synch for their lives.

The song this week is Martha Wash’s Carry On, which Ru mentions helped get her through her mother’s death from cancer.

The girls hit it, and from the beginning you know Sahara has got this in the (bridal) bag.  In fact, Ru has to throw her hand up in the air and testify a little during the performance.  And, as expected, Sahara will Carry On, and Morgan McMichaels is told to sashay away…

On next week’s RuPaul’s Drag Race – Henry Rollins!...